you can always call me home

hot pile of garbage

[darin-ism]

7.17.26

I don't really allow myself to feel big emotions anymore. It allows me to avoid the hurt, but in turn, I don't feel the swell of inspiration and hope anymore. I am chasing the feeling of feeling--the sensitivity to everything--that defined my preteen and teenage years. But I am afraid because those emotions can be so messy and volatile. Perhaps these emotions from back then never saw their entire lifespan, so they're in the recesses of my body, on life support, too stubborn to die. I've captured all of these emotions and corked the bottle, and I call this maturity. These emotions just ferment. They'll be more potent, more intoxicating, when I decide to uncork them.

[darin-ism]

Can I be honest for a second?

Truthfully, I miss Ireland. I miss the gloomy weather, spice bags, and the way all Irish folks refused to use an umbrella. I miss strolling along the cliffs and stories about school days. I remember the way sound carried in your house and the smell of the handsoap in your upstairs bathroom.

[darin-ism]

Venus in Virgo

Venus entered Virgo today and will be there until the 8th of August. Coincidentally, August 8th is my birthday, and my Venus is in Virgo. I’ve been feeling it a lot recently even though the planet just entered this phase. Some of the themes around Venus in Virgo include reassessing boundaries, reciprocated love and respect in all sorts of relationships, quality over quantity, and frugality. All of these themes have been resonating with me as of late and in a way that has been emotionally turbulent—I attribute this to Mercury being in retrograde. After spending a few weeks at home with my family and my lifelong friends, I was reminded about how good it feels to have people want to be around you. I think the veil for me has finally lifted. I’m tired of begging people to hang out with me only to be stood up or cancelled on. I was relaying my frustrations with Feven while we were watching the match today, since she told me she was annoyed with one of our other friends for cancelling last minute (again). I feel like all of my pent up frustrations and thoughts came tumbling out of me, and I kept apologizing for complaining. She told me that I shouldn’t apologize for recognizing and vocalizing when I’ve been hurt. I feel bad because I feel like complaining about a friend is betrayal. Does it make me two-faced to admit that I am hurt by a friend who has long taken me for granted? When I pose it like this, the obvious answer is clearly no—or at least would be for any sensible person. Feven says that in my complaints, it’s clear that I have love for her. I don’t know if maybe that’s just the polite thing to say. I don’t even know what loyalty looks like. But I’ve been feeling like a serf in this relationship recently. It’s so clear that I’ve put in way more effort from the start, and I’m just tired. And it feels like abandoning the ship because she’s going through a hard time, but damn, I’ve been in the hull of that ship for too long now. To be clear, I don’t think she is a bad person. In fact, I think she is truly a good person, and I know she does care, but the effort is just unapparent. I am upset because she rarely makes the effort to come out to me to spend time. I’ve lived here for two years, and I can confidently say that she’s only visited me 5 times. When another friend moved nearby, she’s visited her that many times within a month. The first time she came out, it was because she stood me up on my birthday for a date with a guy that ended up sucking, and she felt bad, so she came to my place uninvited to make up for it. I’m still hurt by it, and I feel bad for admitting that. I just don’t understand why someone would keep asking me what I wanted to do for my birthday when I didn’t want to do anything, and when I finally settled on a plan, they can’t even show up. And maybe it’s fucked up that I keep score, but although I’m choosing not to reach out first again especially in her time of need, I justify it by thinking of the hard times (deaths of loved ones) I’ve dealt with this past year that she hasn’t really been there for me for. It’s kind of pathetic how I’ve settled for crumbs for so long while also making excuses for her because I thought she was my best friend, but I don’t think she’s ever considered me hers.

When Feven told me that she was annoyed today, I didn’t even register that yeah, it’s annoying to get cancelled on last minute again for plans that the other person made especially when you’ve carved out time for them. I’ve just gotten so used to it at this point that I told her I just bank on both of them not following through. I see where Simon gets annoyed with me when I don’t stick to my plans or show up late. I’m working on my promptness, and I think I’ve been getting better at it. I’ve noticed that I’m usually the first person to a hang/appointment as of late. It feels good not to have to apologize profusely for being late. I have so much time on my hands, so there’s no excuse for me to show up late I’ve decided. I want to be a person who keeps my word.

My mom told me she thinks that I’m being manipulated by the person I’m crowdfunding for. I already know that I am. He does not care about me, but will fervently claim he does. I know that it’s my duty as a human being to help him, but I do get upset that he does not listen to me when I tell him I am unable to do what he demands. I think if his needs were life or death, I’d be more motivated to find new donors. He says it’s life or death because he’ll kill himself if he doesn’t get what he wants. I’m really tired of this too, and I feel guilty saying that aloud.

This last week, I nearly broke up with my boyfriend because it hasn’t felt like my love and care have been reciprocated. We’re working on it I guess. But I fear that this will be our perpetual pattern. I wonder if I just make too many excuses for him, and if I do, when will it be the breaking point? Maybe we are incompatible because I so badly want to be loved and appreciated loudly, and well, he’s a quiet guy. I know he cares about me, but why isn’t that enough for me? Am I being high maintenance for wanting more? Is it greedy of me?

I guess this is all to say I’m so tired of begging to be recognized for the effort I put into my relationships. When I feel especially bad about this, I remind myself of all of my friends who make the effort to spend time with me, who care and love me outwardly, who treasure time with me as I do them. I am grateful to work and organize with people who I can now consider friends, who push me to show up more for my neighbors, who care about others just as much as I do, who show they care in actionable ways. This, more than anything, feels like the spirit of Venus in Virgo.

[darin-ism]

on writing

Josh says he tries to write at least 300 words a day every day. Zulaikha tells me about the script their writing. I feel lucky to be surrounded by creatives and writers. I want to write again, but where to start?

[stigmata-oblongata]

[04k96]

[darin-ism]

It’s that time of year again, and I once again am feeling that sense of abandonment.

[darin-ism]

I feel so angry and annoyed lately. It feels heavy on my chest. It feels like pimples just beneath the surface about to break. I want to be left alone, but I have people to answer to.

[darin-ism]

I wake up in a haze

irritated,

unsettled,

perturbed.

I don't remember the exact details

But I know I dreamt of you .

The smell of you lingers in my hair

And no matter how many times I wash it,

cut it,

rip it out strand by strand,

I can't seem to exterminate that smell.

The scent is no longer pungent

But the remnants are still there

Drawing me back in dream landscapes

And sometimes in the waking world.

When will this nightmare finally end?

[darin-ism]

First album of my 2026 album listening series.

Otto Benson's Peanut (2025) is a hazy day dream. Arthur Russell like vocals paired with Robert Lester Folsom type instrumentals but fuzzier. Very 70s. I really love this little tune, "Witnessing."

Rating: 4.2/5

[darin-ism]

2026 New Year's Resolutions (expanded)

I'm trying really hard to better myself this year. 2025 was a doozy, a lost year, a year that I wish didn't count. These are my resolutions that I've already written in my journal, but I will expand on them here.

drink less/no hangovers -> I don't even get drunk anymore; I just get the worst headaches

get a job that at least makes rent -> literally anything so I can feel like a productive member of society and so that my parents won't worry so much

finally finish thesis -> I keep getting in my own head

listen to 1 new album a week -> I stopped listening to music intentionally in 2025. I got so depressed and didn't want to feel anything, so I turned to podcasts almost exclusively. I used to listen to music daily. When I do now, it's usually the same shit I've been listening to. This one is high priority, and I've already made a spreadsheet for it.

do yoga at least once a week

improve my chatarunga -> I think I will challenge myself to practice it daily

improve my crow pose -> this takes less priority over the chatarunga, but it would be cool to finally do

lose weight I gained in 2025 -> I gained about 10 pounds last year alone, and I gained nearly 20 pounds since the summer of 2024. I'd like to fit in my clothes again and feel confident.

read more -> I want to read at least 15 books this year. I really wish I were a more avid reader, but my attention span has been shot. With this, I want to join another reading group.

get more involved with my mutual aid org -> I really like the people, and I feel more hopeful and fulfilled whenever I work with them.

finalize Thai birth certificate

floss everyday -> I did get a lot better at this in 2025! I'd like to keep it up especially since I've got dental insurance again.

sell/donate excess clothes -> I really need to declutter.

consume less -> this will help me save money, accumulate less material things, and will ultimately be better for the environment.

complete EDMR therapy during MLOA -> oh yeah did I mention I was diagnosed with some form of PTSD last year?

eat at least 1 serving of fruits and vegetables a day-> I was pretty good at this growing up, but I haven't been as mindful as an adult.

drink more tea and less coffee -> I want to be better about my caffeine crashes and also drinking sugar.

relearn Spanish -> possibly take a course?

speak better Thai -> maybe will also take a course and make Simon join.

limit social media usage -> instagram and twitter really steal away my joy and my hours

write for fun more! -> maybe this will be the year I keep this blog up

[darin-ism]

2025: A Lost Year

I'm not sure what to do with all this grief

[darin-ism]

I can’t sleep. My boyfriend and I got into a fight last night, and I had told him that he should go home. He ended up staying, and I felt so anxious lying in bed next to him. I’ve been awake for hours. S

[darin-ism]

I think I have such a deep need for justice and fairness that is quite frankly incompatible with this world

[squelettedelicieux]

Bauhaus In Japan, 1983 

[darin-ism]

Finding the music again

I haven't been listening to much music this year. In fact, I've been avoiding it at all costs. I hit a bout of depression so deep that I felt like a tween again just with adult problems. But instead of crying to emo ballads from the early oughts like I would have done 15 years ago, I refused to be emotionally moved in any direction. It was as if any perturbence to my steady low would arouse a higher level of anxiety than that which I was already feeling. I'd put on silly podcasts picking apart celebrity culture, not expanding my horizons in any way. I wanted someone else's voice in my head so I could drown out my own self-destructive thoughts. Anything to distract me from looking out at the ledge for too long.

But as a consequence of habitually listening to so many pop culture podcasts this year, I've come to have this weird fascination with Taylor Swift--maybe more so the spectacle of Taylor Swift. I remember sobbing to "You Belong With Me" in 5th grade when my crush told me he liked my best friend, and I will admit that "Lover" is possibly one of the greatest love songs written in the latter 2010s. And I guess since we're on it, "All Too Well (Taylor's Version)" did make me feel some type of way. But past this and her early hits, I didn't pay her too much attention. I guess with her recent engagement announcement, I've started to revisit her music. I wanted to know why her fanbase is so rabid. What could speak to so many young people? What could make them so obsessed as to pick apart every single verse and each one of her liner notes? Today, I listened to (nearly) all of The Tortured Poets Department. And I get it. Kind of. I think a lot of Jack Antinoff's production already sounds dated, but Swift's lyricism cut right through to me even if some of it sounded a little to tryhard. I know so intimately what it's like to jump from a long term relationship into the arms of some fake deep future faker because grieving the years of a past relationship can be too much to handle. I know the devastation that hits when that situationship blows up in your face. I think I'll have more thoughts on this later.

But from Swift, I jumped to Olivia Rodrigo who I have much more sympathy for. Afterall, Swift did her dirty. And musically, Rodrigo is arguably the next Taylor Swift. But I digress. Rodrigo, although her lyricism is still developing, is undeniably talented. Her music has heavy allusions to 90s rock and Jagged Little Pill era Alanis, but it still feels fresh. Maybe at times a little too theatrical (I feel the same about Alanis tbh), but earnest nonetheless. And then I remembered how she works with Dan Nigro, and how I used to adore As Tall As Lions when I was a tween. But I hadn't listened to them probably since those years.

I started listening to As Tall As Lions again tonight, and you know what? The music holds up. And I feel emotionally perturbed from it, but for the better. I feel like I'm 12 again really listening to music for the first time. It feels like early bus rides to middle school gazing out to Midwest cornfields through dew speckled windows. The crisp fall air colliding with scent of the weathered leather seats. And somehow, it also feels like falling in love for the first time even though I wouldn't experience this for another 9 years. And it's funny how a song I haven't heard in more than 15 years from a band I only remember existed because of Olivia Rodrigo can evoke all of these emotions. And it's funny how I probably wouldn't have felt this feeling without first doing a close reading of Taylor Swift's most recent, and arguably most lackluster, album.

But I'm glad for it because I think I am slowly appreciating music again, and in doing so, I feel a little bit more like myself again.

[darin-ism]

On the topic of boyfriend:

I love the way all cats adore him instantly. He doesn’t push affection onto them, but rather he patiently waits for them to come to him, hand outstretched for them to sniff. They warm to him before any other new human. He’s not braggadocios, and I think cats can sense that on people.

I go crazy for how he refers to women always as “women” and not “chick,” “bitch,” or even “girl.” He’s never called his ex “crazy” or called her names even though from everything he’s described to me, she sounds borderline verbally abusive. It’s something so subtle, but speaks volumes. He maintains healthy friendships with women and isn’t just nice to them so he can sleep with them. He respects women in a way that’s not performative, in a way that is consistent and not based on what they can provide for him.

He’s secretly super talented, and I love his art style. It’s messy but beautiful. I love the way he can quickly draw just about anything perfectly and how effortlessly he does so.

I love how particular he is about his style but how it looks like he didn’t have to try. How he doesn’t care about trends but is still fashionable.

I love how funny and quietly opinionated he is. How he secretly loves gossip but doesn’t get his sense of self worth from putting others down.

I love how sensitive he is. How he can cry without feeling ashamed. How he too was called too sensitive growing up. I like that he didn’t give that up for some delusional form of masculinity.

Vainly, I love how handsome he is. And I love that I don’t have to convince myself that he’s attractive. I like how others comment on his good looks unprompted. How it’s always, “oh he’s cuuuute” and not the kind of bearing and forced politeness they’d have to do with the guy I dated last year (extremely ugly + shitty personality).

I love how generous and caring he is. How willing he is to put the comfort and needs of others before his own.

I love that he’s never talks down to me even though he’s six years older than me and has lived a much more vibrant life than I.

I love all these small things about him, and I love that he does these things humbly, without asking for credit.