Stories & Tequila

                                    Dr. Raya Enriquez, M.D. (in the making)                                        | February 1996 baby | Dancer | Frustrated singer | Feeling photographer | Matakaw | Iskolar ng Bayan | It's not always rainbows and butterflies.

[darkandtwistyraya]

Even though you see how things will end, you can never be prepared for how it will make you feel.

[darkandtwistyraya]

I guess, some things aren’t really meant to be, or at least, not yet.

[darkandtwistyraya]

I think the hardest part of it was the fact that I saw it coming, but I still wanted more anyway, and I couldn’t forgive myself for that.

Faye Bajoyo

[darkandtwistyraya]

But I figured that maybe I did have a heart;

it was just that it didn’t function like everyone else’s

[darkandtwistyraya]

I fell in love with your broken, beautiful soul.

[darkandtwistyraya]

I miss you

[darkandtwistyraya]

To my one and only forever King,

It’s been 4 years, Daddy. 4 years, and I still miss you. And I will always miss you.

 Sometimes it still hurts, late at night, and I always have to grit my teeth and squeeze my eyes shut for a while. I suppose you could call it an automatic reminder. When I think that I was getting along just fine with my day, not getting too dramatic about it, it came like it never wanted me to have a perfect day without thinking about it. And I reckon that’s what it’s trying to say, really. I couldn’t forget about it. Even if I wanted to. And the physical pain was just there just in case I did.

 I still get teary-eyed when I think of you, I still cry whenever I remember a moment with you, and I still wish for you to come back. Even though I know you can’t.

 But I know that you’re happy up there watching over us and I would give anything for you to be happy and proud.

 I miss you and I love you, Daddy.

 Love,

Your one & only Princess and forever spoiled baby girl

[darkandtwistyraya]

You know I liked you, but it wasn't enough for me to give up my individuality to be with you.

I stopped whatever we had. Although we were more than friends to each other we never defined our so-called relationship. We were never on the same page. I guess that's why "we" didn't work out.  We created a fantasy of who we wanted to be, not even glancing at what we really were.

[darkandtwistyraya]

But I was mostly disappointed in myself. I was beginning to like you and I opened a little part of me not many people see.

[darkandtwistyraya]

To My Most Wonderful Almost

I feel awful whenever I remember those times when you just wanted nothing but the best for me. You were the only guy who never argued with me, the guy who did nothing but hold my hand and hug me every time I threw my tantrums. At that time, I was blind and I was selfish. Selfish because I gave you nothing but pain.

I know it's probably too late to say these things. I know you're perfectly fine living without me, but I just want to ease the burden I feel inside. I want to prove that I've already learned from my mistakes. It takes a lot of bravery for me to write this. 

I'm really sorry. Sorry for breaking your heart. I'm sorry if I took you for granted when all you did was like (because love is such a big word) me sincerely. I'm sorry if I locked you up in pain for (more than) a month. God knows how I regret that night when I went out of your car and I feel like I should’ve said these things.

I wish I just stayed. I wish I just liked you more than you have liked me because you deserve it. I wish I knew I already had the best.

But it's different now. You are different, things are different now. And it hurts me. It hurts to know that things can never go back to the way they were. But I know this pain is not enough compared to what I have done to you. If God will give me another chance to get you back, I can't promise I will not hurt you again because chances are I will. But when that day comes, what I will make sure is this: I will hold your hand, never let go, and do my best to make things right.

Goodbyes make you think. They make you realize what you had, what you've lost, and what you've taken for granted, but somehow you have to let go and wait if it will go full circle and come back around. For now, here's my sorry, thank you and goodbye.

[darkandtwistyraya]

I guess everybody got so busy reminding me not to hurt him that nobody was left to remind him not to break me. And so he did.

[darkandtwistyraya]

Di ko na po alam kung anong gagawin ko, Lord.

I feel like I'm in a crossroad or something. I'm thinking about my future and I don't think I'm going to make it. Di ko alam kung deserving pa ba ako maging Iskolar ng Bayan.

[darkandtwistyraya]

But things change

She knew this because she’d watched it happen, right in front of her. And she had been left staring after it, helpless, in the dust.

[darkandtwistyraya]

You’d be surprised at everything she hides.

[darkandtwistyraya]

April 19, 2015 --- 20th birthday of my roommate/one of my barkada in college.

Sa sobrang dami ng nangyari, konti lang yung pictures. Haha. But you know what they say, “You know you are really really enjoying when you forget to take pictures.”

Still, everybody had fun and everybody was drunk. That’s what matters. Lol.

[darkandtwistyraya]

For women who are 'difficult' to love: You are a horse running alone and he tries to tame you compares you to an impossible highway to a burning house says you are blinding him that he could never leave you forget you want anything but you you dizzy him, you are unbearable every woman before or after you is doused in your name you fill his mouth his teeth ache with memory of taste his body just a long shadow seeking yours but you are always too intense frightening in the way you want him unashamed and sacrificial he tells you that no man can live up to the one who lives in your head and you tried to change didn’t you? closed your mouth more tried to be softer prettier less volatile, less awake but even when sleeping you could feel him travelling away from you in his dreams so what did you want to do love split his head open? you can’t make homes out of human beings someone should have already told you that and if he wants to leave then let him leave you are terrifying and strange and beautiful something not everyone knows how to love."

Warsan Shire

[darkandtwistyraya]

Fight

I have learned to accept that it is not my fault why bad things happen to me or to the people I love. It’s just the way life deals with everyone. It’s not fair. If you’re one of the unlucky ones, then fight. Be stronger, that’s what life is telling you. Be stronger because you have no choice. Be stronger than you are right now because if you don’t, you’ll die with the weak. Life will swallow you up and spit you out. And then you’ll die.

I know I was screwed in the head, but life made me this way. I was tough. Maybe a little too cynical, but I was tough.

I refuse to be weak. I refuse to give up.