
祝日 / Permanent Vacation

if i look back, i am lost

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@darkdays-coldgames
21.08.2020
I keep dreaming of you. Its been about 3 an a half years years since we saw eachother this time. I know we'll meet again. We always do.
This dream we finally got in touch. Your mum reminded me it was almost your birthday and she was going to throw you a surprise party. I now realise its your birthday in October. I forgot this, however my dream mind didnt. I love yous and I love you toos. You looked the same, i still remember your voice and your hair and how it always goes a little bit curly at the front. I still cant look at Ralph Lauren aftershave, however I still regret washing your smell out that hoodie I stole. And when i had to throw it away 4 years ago, in an attempt to let it go. It didnt work, cause i still dream of you. Lying on your bed, newly decorated, different house? I noticed the last time i drove past there were flowers in your bedroom window. Not your room.
I wonder where you are and if you dream of me time to time? I hope they're not nightmares.
sometimes i remember i exist and i’m just like oh fuck
intro // a day to remember
thoughts
https://iglovequotes.net/
why am i nostalgic for my teenage years bitch i didnt even have fun !!!
i joke about killing myself far too much for someone whos actually tried to kill themself
Dear ex-best friend, and first love.
This is me, finally saying goodbye and letting go. Letting go of the version of you that I still have in my head, because somewhere along the line I think the real you changed, as people do.
I’ve been thinking about buying myself a dream catcher. Maybe then you wouldn’t make your way to my dreams each night and I wouldn’t have to hate myself for having loved those dreams, because they’re the only place where we still talk, where I can actually talk to you.
I hate myself for hating how you now have new friends and how happy you seem to be with them. A part of me is glad that you’re well but the other part is crying for you to come back, because you’re still the one who I consider my favorite. Even though it’s been a few years since we talked no one has been able to replace you.
I know I should just move on, but it’s hard when each time we pass each other at school our eyes meet and I can’t help but think if you still remember all the things and moments that I do. I shouldn’t have confessed to you, I shouldn’t have scared you away like that. But then again, would that have changed anything? All these ifs are making me lose my mind. If I could go back in time I’d try to change it all. But I’d also not take you for granted.
I’m trying to let go. Though I know it won’t happen, my door will always be open for you and a part of me will always be waiting.