Aizawa Shouta is a hero, but he doesnât like fighting. It is a necessity; he is good at it because he needs to beâthere are people who need his aid, his protection. There arenât many sources of joy in his life anyway, and hurting someone isnât really on the list. Restraint and diffusing a situation before it has a chance to explode is Eraserheadâs preferred method.Â
When he blinks back into awareness it feels like stepping through a doorway. Sometimes your senses shift. You feel the passing, the boundary; you are in one space, and then another. And sometimes, for a fraction of a second, you forget why youâd even crossed in the first place. Shouta presses a hand to the back of his neck and tries to figure out why he canât remember.Â
His fingers hurt. He pulls a hand back, and his knuckles are raw; Shouta runs his thumbs along the ridges and valleys and searches his mind for an imprint. A leftover echo of the curl of his hand in a fist, a memory of a punchâor many, but nothing really comes.Â
Shouta takes a step backward. Assesses.Â
Heâs not at U.A. Somewhere else; a back alley down some street. The cool touch of evening cradles him, and when Shouta glances up itâs a lovely darkness thatâs beginning to settle around him. His capture weapon is missing. Thereâs a dull pain at his side, and a strange set of scratches around his wrists, but no other injuries.Â
And the last thing he remembersâ well, the first thing he remembers is that he doesnât. He doesnât really remember. Being here. Fighting.
Leaving campus grounds for patrol he does remember. Something tugs at his memory. A figure waiting at the gates, a curve of a smile. Then nothing.Â
A villain, then. Shouta scours his mind. Heâs pissed off a few of those, but not any more lately than usual. A memory manipulation Quirk, perhaps, enough to catch him off guard and pull him away from U.A. to⊠to do what? To drag him into a fight and leave him still standing? To strand him here in the fog of his own mind, wondering what footsteps heâd left behind?
He pats himself down. His phone is gone, too, and Shouta suppresses a groan. Heâll walk back to U.A. alone, then, and figure this out by himself. Get a replacement for his capture weapon. Check the security feed. Another night with little sleep. He scans the area, but there isnât anything that stands out to him: no villain, no notes or clues, and certainly no neon sign saying âRestore Your Memories Now!â as nice as itâd be.
A flash of a memory. A dark room, and the sound of crying; Shouta runs his tongue along his teeth and then feels roughness where heâs bit at the inside of his cheek. An old habit, to keep him from crying out.
Shouta turns on his heel and is about to leave when he hears it. A breath. Itâs hardly breathing, really, more like a wheeze than anything, but Shouta spins. He brings his fists up, the only defense he has left.Â
His gaze tracks through the alley. No one above. No oneâ but then Shouta catches the figure crumpled by the wall, hidden in shadow and easily mistaken for a pile of things, or perhaps garbage. He takes a step, then another, and the person on the ground shifts.Â
Small, is Shoutaâs first thought, followed by young. And hurt is the third as Shouta draws closer and crouches downâ
A face spills out into the light, and Shouta only manages not to leap back as a set of startling eyes blink slowly and peer up at him. A set of dark, unruly hair; freckles dotted under a set of bruises; the familiar mouth moves as if trying to taste words before saying them, and eventually settles into something of a smile.Â
Shoutaâs hands hover. He puts one hand and feels the motion like itâs through water. He canât put the pieces together, but eventually his palm meets a warm shoulder. Midoriya shudders when they touch.Â
âMidoriya,â he says. Heâs seized by a violent urge to- to shake his student, to grasp him and demand answers to questions he hasnât come up with yet. Shouta slides a hand under Midoriyaâs side and tries to figure out whatâs happened. Civilian clothes. Torn and dirty, and thereâs blood but not much of a visible injury. Midoriya is limp and quiet.Â
âMidoriya,â Shouta tries again, and his student looks back at him. Shouta canât decipher the look on his face. Relief, he thinks, and tiredness. And fear, a hint of it.Â
Midoriya licks his lips, swallows, and says, âSenseiâŠâ
âWhoââ His head is spinning with questions and questions and questions. Shoutaâs careful as he turns Midoriya over and examines himâ bruising everywhere. Midoriya draws in a rattling breath, and Shouta asks quietly to touch him, pressing down gently and feeling a swelling area, the sharp flinch of pain. A broken rib, maybe more. The thought leaves a sour taste in his mouth.Â
âCan you walk?â is his first question. Midoriyaâs shoulders sink in a no. âIâm going to carry you, then, problem child, and weâre going to the nearest possible hospital. Okay?â The shoulders shake a little, but Midoriya doesnât protest, only whines when Shouta lifts him and stands.Â
âStay awake,â Shouta orders, and Midoriya nods. Thereâs a bit of blood around his mouth. âWhat happened? A villain?âÂ
âYe- yeah,â Midoriya croaks. Shouta starts walking.Â
âI was there,â Shouta says, feeling through the words before he speaks, âbut I donât remember?â
Midoriya closes his eyes.Â
âNo,â he agrees, âyou wouldnât. But- but you⊠were there. With⊠me.âÂ
They step into the soft circle of a street light and Shouta has to stop, because cold yellow light sinks into Midoriyaâs face, slips across it and down as it catches in a set of tears. Shouta shifts his arms, and Midoriyaâs head moves to expose a darkening ring of mottled bruises around his neck. Midoriya tugs on Shoutaâs shirt, and their eyes snap together.Â
Midoriya shakes his head.Â
âDonât remember,â he whispers, and Shoutaâs chest goes so tight he almost believes thereâs something in his lungs.Â
âYou⊠donât remember?â Shouta asks. If his thoughts about a memory Quirk are correct, then maybe whoever has tampered with Shoutaâs memory has done the same to Midoriya. No trace. Nothing left behind. Everything erased.
âNo,â Midoriya says, and he really starts crying. âDonât remember, sensei.âÂ
Shouta doesnât understand what that means. Donât remember. Thereâs already something trickling through his mind, spurned by the feeling of carrying his student, by the aching of his knuckles and the dullness in his feet that means heâs been running. Donât remember. But itâs thereâ He doesnât remember, but his body does. His body remembers the fighting.Â
âYou want me to forget?â Shouta asks, and starts walking again. The streets begin to rearrange themselves to make sense. Theyâre close to Musutafu, close to home. âWhy- do you want me to forget?â
Midoriya breathes. He gasps a little in pain. âYou- you- you were protecting me,â he bursts out, and his voice echoes a little in the street. âYou were just trying to- you were keeping me safe, you didnât do anything wrong. You protected me!âÂ
Itâs so fierce, so drawn with conviction that Shouta has to believe him. Yet thereâs a desperation to itâthe edge of his words are pleading and weeping blood.Â
âOkay, Midoriya,â Shouta murmurs. âI want to protect you.â
He recognizes the want in Midoriyaâs eyes. Shouta has to accept this as truthâand there isnât any reason to believe otherwise. In any situation, itâs the students first and Shouta second. And itâs still students first, Shouta second.Â
They make it to the hospital. Shouta is loath to leave Midoriyaâs side, but heâs not allowed to go with him. Thereâs a sort of terror in Midoriyaâs eyes and a sort of relief that he tries to hide, so Shouta promises his student he will visit when he can, and heâll call Midoriya Inko and All Might and everyone else.Â
Shoutaâs forced to be examined himself. He fights that, but itâs a losing battle. No major injuries. No damage sustained. But he does ask about his memoryâŠ
âA Quirk-induced effect, perhaps,â the doctor says. âA possibility we cannot rule out.â No sign of being cracked over the head hard enough to forget the last two days.Â
âItâs hard to tell. Anything with the mind is difficult to pin down. Butâ you might not also want to remember.âÂ
Shoutaâs mouth thins into a line. Itâs not the answer heâs looking for.
âI want to,â he grinds out. He wants to know what happened. He wants to know who did thisâwho put him here, who put Midoriya here. The last time he remembers seeing Midoriya clearly is in the common room, laughing. âI want to remember.âÂ
âDonât push yourself,â heâs warned, and Shouta tries not to roll his eyes.Â
âIf weâre done, I have phone calls to make. And I want to see my student.âÂ
They donât let him, not for another hour as they make sure his brain isnât about to implode any more than it usually doesâwhich is quite a bit, he tells them, because heâs in charge of twenty students who sometimes deliberately try to make his life difficult. But Midoriya, from some other room, confirms that thereâs a Quirk involved; and that sends Shouta in for a round of tests that result in nothing but frustration.Â
Finally heâs allowed to go with some careful instructions⊠Shouta doesnât remember those either, but thatâs a choice. He calls Nedzu first. Everyone else is accounted for; itâs just Midoriya, the one kid who canât catch a break and who wouldnât give himself one if his life depended on it. He calls Midoriyaâs mother second and listens to her thanks through tears, and then another call to Detective Tsukauchi.Â
When heâs done he sits in the hospital hallway, staring at his hands and turning them around. Clean and bandaged. Under the bandages his skin shifts, and prickles. Something comes back to him, like film thatâs developed with a smudge. Heâs holding Midoriya, body curved around his student as a shield. He canât remember what he says.Â
Even though Shouta wants to see himâto see Midoriyaâthereâs an undercurrent of memory that makes him pause. He flips his hands over. Then curls his fingers into fists and stands, and swings his arm in a forward motion.Â
His fist catches against soft skin, and Shouta is relentless as he hits, and hits. His opponent doesnât fight back.Â
Shouta can almost see the villain. He can almost see the shape of their mouth as a word is spilling out of it, and Shouta cannot hear the memory but he makes his mouth move in the same way, and, the word, he tastes it, and.Â
He stares blankly at the wall as his own mouth moves and drags the word sensei into the open.Â
There is bruising on Midoriyaâs arms, on his battered body; worse injuries hiding underneath; a ring around his neckâ Shouta is seized by a thought and shoves his sleeves up, bile rising in his throat as he stumbles back and hits the wall. Thereâs scratches on his wrists, like from fingernails, and he doesnât have the memory but he doesnât need it to imagine his own hands fitting around Midoriyaâs neck. Desperate fingers clawing at Shoutaâs wrists, at his arms.Â
âMidoriyaâs asking for you.âÂ
Shouta glances up at the nurse whoâs stopped, watching him. âHe asked me to tell you heâd really like to see you.â
A part of him is responding but the rest of him is justâ the rest of him canâtâÂ
âThat kid needs comfort.â The nurse nods. âHe needs you.âÂ
âYou donât understand. I canât.âÂ
They both look at the door. Shouta takes a step and it hurts, but it canât hurt as much as someone you trust hurting you. He takes another step. He wants to run. He wants someone to blame, but the blame always seems to circle back around in the shape of a noose to snare around his own neck.Â
Shouta makes it through the doorway. Itâs like blinking into awareness. Rousing yourself from a deep fog. Sometimes your senses shift. You feel the passing. You are in one state, and then another. For Shouta this is fear giving way to truth; the moment he steps into Midoriyaâs room and they see each other, Shouta knows.Â
âIt wasnât your fault,â Midoriya says. Those things come easy to him, Shoutaâs noticedâwhite lies, things that are meant to be real but fall just shy of it. But itâs usually when Midoriya says, itâs fine, and almost means it, or Iâm not hurt. It wasnât your fault is false and they both know it, and it roots Shouta to the ground.Â
âItâ you donât get to say that.â Shouta pauses, then says it. âI hurt you.âÂ
âI hurt you,â Shouta says again, surging a step forward; and he sees Midoriya flinch, and they both startle into silence at the small movement. Thatâs a confirmation.Â
âNo,â Midoriya finally says. He struggles, then sits up; clean and tended to, he looks even worse. Or maybe itâs just knowing that Shouta had done that. âYou were- trying to protect me.âÂ
âYou didnât want me to remember.â He doesnât mean for it to come out like an accusation.Â
âIt wasnâtââ Tears spring in Midoriyaâs eyes. âThat wasnât you! It wasnât your fault!âÂ
âI tried to kill you,â Shouta says, angry that Midoriya wants to defend him because Shouta doesnât deserve it. âTell me that isnât my fault.â
âYou werenât in control,â Midoriya cries. âIt wasnât you. You wouldnât have done that. You tried to protect me, before. You- you were just- it just, when we tried to, they thought, that wasnât you.âÂ
Shouta doesnât know how to fix this. He doesnât know what to do. The fight⊠Midoriya wouldnât have fought back, and he wouldâve let Shouta kill himâ Shouta wouldnât have held back, eitherâ
âYou should have stopped me.âÂ
âI didnât want to hurt you,â Midoriya says. He lifts his arms and his mouth wobbles, finding a smile. âYou were⊠I couldnât hurt you. I could take it.âÂ
Take it. Take the hits. Midoriyaâs strong, but heâs still a student. Small, his mind supplies mockingly, young.Â
âNo,â he spits, and tastes venom, âno. Better me than you, Midoriya. You understand me?âÂ
âYouâre not understanding,â Midoriya says, and Shouta feels drawn to him. His body moves before he can tell it not to, but this is not a Quirk. As he walks closer he sees flashes of memory that make his head hurt, and he thinks of the feeling of his fists hitting his student and how Midoriya must have made himself defenseless, must have been Quirkless too. âSensei, please.â
Sensei, please. A ringing in his ears.Â
âI wonât hurt you again,â Shouta promises, because itâs the only thing he can. It makes him sick. It makes his bones rattle like they know something he doesnât, like he canât even make that promise. Again means heâs hurt Midoriya already, again means itâs already too late.Â
Midoriya reaches out with a trembling hand. Shouta canât make his hands move, because heâsâ heâs scared theyâll do something he doesnât want them to. But Midoriyaâs waiting; Shouta lifts one hand to press their palms together.Â
âYou didnâtââ A tear traces down Midoriyaâs cheek. âSensei, you⊠you promised you were going to protect me.âÂ
The words cleave through his chest. He doesnât deserve to be here. Shouta doesnât deserve this; he wishes he could carve something out of himself, like giving a part of him away could make up for the pain.Â
âDo you remember?â Midoriya whispers. âWhen we were⊠there, together, you were holding me and you said you were going to protect me.âÂ
He remembers now. And a few things that follow, a few more pieces that slot into place. But itâs only serving as a reminder that Shoutaâs failed. Heâs broken his promise. Heâs failed his dutyâas a hero, as a teacher. There are some things you have to work for the rest of your life for forgiveness; this is one of them.Â
âThis shouldnât have happened,â he says, âand I amâcompletely sorry⊠that I failed youââ
Midoriyaâs fingers lace through his, and he squeezes. âYou protected me.â
âYou stopped, when I said that,â Midoriya says. His eyes search Shoutaâs. âWe were- fighting, and I said, you promised to protect me, and you stopped.âÂ
âPlease,â Midoriya says. It is with conviction. It is with desperation. It is with a challenge, and a fight. âYou fought it for me. And you stopped. Thatâs- thatâs enough, sensei. Please.â
âItâs not,â Shouta replies, shaking his head, âitâs never going to be enough.âÂ
âIt is for me,â Midoriya tells him, and reaches to the person who hurt him. Midoriya takes his shirt and tugs him closer, then rests his head against Shoutaâs chest, placing his trust in the crook of Shoutaâs neck. Shouta lifts an arm and places it, heavy, across Midoriyaâs back. âItâs enough for me, sensei.âÂ
Shouta doesnât think heâll ever believe that; there is so much more that is unexplored and unexplained, so many nightmares waiting to present themselves, so many memories resting just out of reach. But Midoriyaâs hand stays, holding on, and Shouta holds him back and doesnât dare to let go.