yikes ok. this might be a bit of an unpopular opinion but honestly, it's a conversation i think more people need to be having.
ok so i have borderline personality disorder, and i've recently come to recognise a lot of narcissist traits that i've picked up as a result of my upbringing. i'm seeing a psych, and have been for the past 4 years, but figured i would check out the npd tags to see what people who experience symptoms similar to mine do about them. and saying it's a literal hellscape is almost an understatement. the tags are filled with people who essentially blame every person with npd to ever exist for abuse that they or a loved one has experienced. and while i understand it to a certain extend, i have family members who are or have been abused by toxic narcissists, and it's very important to raise awareness about the signs of toxic relationships, this is absolutely not the way to do it. the majority of cases of npd and other cluster b disorders, as far as i'm aware, stem from childhood trauma, and most of the people affected are doing their best to cope with a mental illness that they never asked for. i've seen self-proclaimed "empaths" say that all narcissists should commit suicide or be sterilised, or that they're all horrible evil monsters, and this just isn't true. just because someone, because of a literal mental illness, can't feel empathy doesn't mean that they can't feel compassion or sympathy, or that they don't have control over their actions. i personally struggle with empathy and impulse control quite a lot, and i've done some pretty fucked up things, but that doesn't mean that i'm not learning to grow and mature as a person, or that i don't recognise that it's not okay to treat people like that.
the stigma against cluster b personality disorders is inherently ableist and based in bias and negative personal experiences. purposefully spreading misinformation about personality disorders, namely that people who suffer from them don't deserve help, or that they can't be self-aware enough to ask for help, simply adds to the problem. how do you expect people to be the best versions of themselves if you actively campaign against them being able to access resources to help themselves learn to cope?
i recently saw a video by a tiktoker that i used to follow, connordewolfe, who uses his platform to raise awareness about and educate people on different neurodivergencies and mental illnesses, namely adhd and autism, both of which he (and i) have. this video was claiming to explain the differences in intention between certain similar traits that people with adhd and narcissists both express. i believe one of the examples was not answering texts, and the adhd answer was just that they forgot, whereas the npd answer was that they were purposely ignoring the person to manipulate them. and like, i have so many different problems with this.
first of all, as someone with various mental illnesses, i can definitely account for the fact that the same traits are received differently depending on the condition that i give for them. if i express that someone cancelling plans with me makes me upset because of my rejection sensitivity dysphoria, a condition associated with adhd, i am met with sympathy and understanding. if i say that it makes me feel unlovable and like the other person hates me because i have bpd, i'm immediately labelled as toxic and manipulative, and it is significantly worse for others with more heavily stigmatised disorders. the thing is- the trait that i'm expressing doesn't change either way, and both cases should be met with understanding. that doesn't mean that people aren't allowed to cancel plans with me because it upsets me, but it does mean that i deserve to feel as though my emotions are valid, no matter what the reason for them.
secondly, connor doesn't have npd, or any cluster b disorder that i'm aware of, nor is he a listened psychologist. when multiple people, some with a pd and some without, brought up how the inaccuracies in his video further contribute to stigma, he justified it by saying that he used the dsm-5 diagnostic traits to make the video, completely dismissing the possibility that his video could be harming real people who have done nothing to deserve this treatment. and it's clear from looking at the other comments that most people who saw this video have little-to-no experience with actual narcissists and are only speaking on stereotypes. as someone with basic critical thinking skills (and experience with the bias faced by autistic people), i will always take into consideration the experience of those living with a mental illness or other neurodivergancy, in most cases over those of licensed professionals who can be biased. that doesn't mean that licensed professionals don't know what they're talking about at all, but often it's helpful to take what they say with a grain of salt if they haven't experienced something themselves.
all this is without mentioning the fact that shame is deeply ingrained in npd in a similar way as it is with adhd and bpd. this essentially means that narcissists are especially prone to experiencing frequent and intense feelings of shame, often triggered by simple criticism. this is why many narcissists find criticism so difficult to deal with; they create a false ego to cover up insecurities as a coping mechanism for, once again, trauma they experienced as a child. with this in mind, i can't understand how anyone could think that treating people with npd as sub-human or evil, emotionless monsters could possibly help. all it's going to do is drive the narcissist deeper into those feelings of shame, which is counterproductive for everyone. i'm especially referring to "narc abuse", a term coined by a man who has been noted for expressing stigmatising, ableist opinions before (i forgot his name, if anyone knows it please tell me!) to describe abuse typically in romantic or familial relationships. this term is ableist as fuck, and aside from the reasons i've mentioned earlier, it a) excuses abusers for their actions, chalking it up to a disorder that dictates their actions and b) gives people an avenue to armchair diagnose. and besides, the types of abuse that they are pointing out—mainly psychological and emotional— already have clinical and non-ableist/stigmatising labels. obviously, any form of abuse is not acceptable, and i hope that all victims are able to recognise the situation they're in and make a safe recovery. however, this does not mean that every selfish asshole with anger issues or manipulative tendencies is a narcissist, and even if they are, a disorder is not an excuse for shitty behaviour. everyone has a choice in the actions that they choose, and making every narcissist out to be an abuser is detrimental for both parties.
tl;dr, people with cluster b pds are indeed people and acting otherwise is ableist, telling anyone they should die or be steralised because of a condition they can't help is unbelievably fucked up, all abuse victims and/or anyone with a mental illness deserves to be able to seek proper help, and we should call out abusers for being shitty people instead of chalking it up to a disorder that "makes them be" a shitty person.