This is a learning experience.

I'm a 23 year old woman from the Chicago area learning how to date. These are my struggles.

[caramelcoatedxxxtacy]

I’m not the girl your mother warns you about. I won’t kiss your best friend or break your heart. I won’t make you choose between what you love to do & me. I’m not cold. I’m not reckless. I’m the girl your father mentions when your mom’s not around. I’m the girl that gets away. I will love you more than anything. I will kiss you when you cry. I will stand by your side until you decide otherwise. And you’re just like your father, so you will. You’ll let me go & I won’t look back, But you will. I promise you, you will. I’m that girl.

(via maturecontentbeadvised)

[hellanne]

I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand and the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep and there are no words for that.

Brian Andreas, Story People  (via hellanne)

[datingat23]

Sorry for neglecting this so much lately, guys. Nothing has been going on at all. I haven't spoken to Love in.. I don't know how long. It's been at least two weeks. I don't want to bother him so I'm just not saying anything. I'm not sure if he's still in Chicago or if he's left again.. I'm just not sure of anything. I'm just waiting for him to say something. I text him a few times with no answer. He told me he doesn't have  day off for all of February so I get it. He was busy. He's probably super busy now and unable to really talk or anything. I get it. I just want to see how long it takes him to realize that I'm not gonna try if hes not. 

I know we're supposed to be together, but this? This isn't okay. I don't feel cared for and if he honestly thinks I'm going to sit around waiting for him to decide if this is what he wants, then he's fucking nuts. I'm going to look. I'm going to talk to people. I'm going to meet people if they strike me as someone I'd like to get to know.

Am I going out looking for a relationship? No. But I'm also not not looking. If a guy messages me who I'd never be into, then no I don't answer him. I'm only talking to people who I could see myself actually getting to know. I'm not looking for it to become anything, but if it does, Love isn't exactly sitting here trying to stop it. It seems like he doesn't see me as something that it's possible for him to lose. Like he thinks that when he figures it out, no matter what, I'll still be there. And that just isn't the case. I'd like it to be, because I'd like to believe 100% that he'll realize that he wants me.. And I do believe that.. But he's taking his sweet time about it and he isn't really trying to keep contact with me during this time.. I think it's time for him to realize that I am something he could lose if he doesn't fucking treat me like he wants me around. 

I'm tired of guys making me feel like they don't really care one way or the other about me. And it isn't just Love.

I'm not sure how much I've posted about it but Nolan is making me feel this way as well. He's been so weird to talk to and everything and I just can tell he's met someone but I really can't tell if she's anything to him.

I've seen her OkC because she came up as similar to me. We're not similar. Ew. And she always posts cutesy bullshit on his FB page and I want to smack her. He flat out told me he hasn't met anyone who he sees as potential so she just looks pathetic when she posts all this shit and he doesn't bother responding to her.. I really just want to message her like "Bitch, that is NOT how extensions are supposed to look, I can see your track marks. Your boobs are SQUARE, please find a bra that fits. And btw it's obvious he isn't into you so what the fuck are you doing?"

Sorry if you see that as rude, but this girl. I can't. I feel like she'd be really pretty if she actually posted pictures of her face that weren't obscured by being 75% boobs. You have tits? GREAT. But what does your face look like? I really can't tell when you cut half of it out in order to fit your boobs into the frame.

[queeraang]

I think the thing people don’t realize with that bullshit “well not all guys are dangerous, you should give them a chance” or what the fuck ever is like 

if i had a plate of cookies and i was like yeah, a few of them have laxatives in them and one’s got cyanide in there, BUT THEY’RE NOT ALL LIKE THAT

you’re probably not gonna take a fucking cookie

[datingat23]

I can't breathe. This is so accurate.

[datingat23]

I got into a fight with Nolan the other night and we're no longer talking.

Lately every time I've tried to talk to him he's just not answered, or attacked me because he thinks Love is leading me on, or he tells me I'm being weird.

I don't see it, so of course I asked him what he was talking about and he just kept running around telling me what he actually meant and got me all frustrated. And then he went off on me about how I'm not even acting like a friend anymore because all we ever talk about is Love. Which is a lie, I only ever talked to him about Love when he first came back. He keeps bringing him up saying I've been acting strange since we've  been talking again.. 

That has nothing to do with Love. It has to do with the fact that Nolan straight up ignored me for a month and then came back like nothing happened and I was confused as fuck. 

Now he's telling me I'm acting weird and odd and not talking to him like usual... And when is he saying this? Immediately after texting him to say "Hey." HOW IS THAT ACTING WEIRD?

Whatever. I miss him. I loved his friendship and he's such a fucking great person but he's hung up on Love being back in my life when apparently all he wanted was my friendship.. So why would it matter that Love is back? I understand he doesn't want to see me get hurt.. But uhh, then why is he attacking me and trying to make me question things with Love? A thing that DOES hurt me? I'm content right now with how things are. I'm hopeful but I'm not sitting here giving up on anything. I'm still using OkC and POF and if someone comes along who is better for me, then they do. And if someone I'm interested in asks me out, I'll meet them. I'm not completely giving up on finding anyone and putting everything into things with Love.

Do I want someone else? Hell no. But things aren't for sure and I don't want to get hurt right  now. I'm talking things slow and if we're not getting serious with each other until we really know that it's going to be alright and work out, then I'm not going to stop looking. I'm really only looking for friends anyways.. 

But yeah. Nolan and I aren't talking anymore. I miss him. I'm so pissed off that he keeps attacking me but I love the shit out of that asshole. I apologized for acting weird, when I wasn't.. But he's done. So that sucks. I feel really alone now. 

[datingat23]

I'm half-assing this whole online dating thing.. And it's still fucking exhausting.

[datingat23]

There we go.

Texts from Irrelevant. Months after I completely stopped answering him and then blocked him on OkC and POF. 

And yet, he made a new account and messaged me on POF tonight.

DUDE GO AWAY.

[datingat23]

Wellll, I text Love a couple nights ago and he didn't answer me until the next night. I assumed he was busy because I was a dumbass and didn't realize it was Saturday night. Hello, he was probably 7 beers into an all night drink-fest by the time he read it..

But I was wrong. He answered the next night.. Apologizing. Which wasn't necessary, but I love that he does that. He was trying to get back home in and out of airports for a couple days and didn't have time to talk. Understandable. But he didn't tell me he was coming home. Ass. Eh, he probably didn't know. They don't seem to give him much notice of when he's gonna get to be home for any amount of time.

He's home now, just for a couple days.

Here's the best and 2nd best part.. Him and his roommate are seriously looking into getting a puppy and of course, said I could meet him or her.. And the best part: He got super serious at one point about how his new position has made him a lot smarter and more motivated and how he just wants to set some things right. He said he wants to take the next step in his life and he thinks getting a puppy is that step. Which I don't that's a step but hey, whatever. But when he said he wants to set things right and do as much as he can while he's home it made me think that maybe he's finally going to buckle down and try to really work things out with us. (Because that's definitely something that was not handled properly) If not, that's okay, we're doing alright and him being gone so much has calmed me down a lot. I don't freak out when he doesn't answer me right away which is definitely something I hated about myself. I feel like I'm really doing better and this stress on our "relationship" and us fixing things this way has really helped me. I really do feel like we're fixing things this way, by just letting it go for now and seeing how it works out. I never believed that whole "time heals everything" shit, but it's definitely helped us out. Giving him space and time to think instead of flipping out repeatedly brought him back so much faster this time. Last time we ended up not speaking for a year. Then we got back together and he left. I freaked out a bit and then let it go and he came back on his own after a couple months. I really think that me calming down and not attacking him helped make that happen. And I'm so glad it did. I know we aren't together, but we're talking and letting things fix themselves this way. He said if we're having fun and nothing crazy happens then it's something to consider.. Well, so far, we're talking and nothing crazy is happening. And I'm doing my best to be my fun self. Of course, I haven't gotten to see him yet so it's a little hard to prove that just yet. I think once I see him when he's actually here for a bit it'll get a lot better. We've always been amazing together. I don't know when that will be but if they're getting a puppy, he can't constantly be gone leaving all of that care up to his roommate. So that's a thing.. And his job really has changed him in a really good way, and I think that it's got the potential to someday change his mind about having a serious relationship with someone. I think eventually it's something he'll want. I hope it's something he'll want. Until then, I feel great about things right now, most of the time. It sucks and I wish he was here more, but he isn't. And this is what things are. And in that, it's not so bad.

But he said some things that made me smile about how he's realizing that his entire character isn't based on what he thought and that basically he wants to be a better person and of course I was like "You're entire character was never based on that to me. I loved it about you but it in no way defines you. I'm glad you're realizing that." I almost started crying. I'm so proud of him right now. He's working so hard and he's doing so well. And I know he doesn't love being gone all the time and things really suck sometimes, but he loves his job, and he's so good at it. I'm just amazed by him right now. 

I tried talking to him a little bit ago but he's on his way home from work to make love to the tv for a while. Haha. But after not talking to him at all for a week, this was a really nice conversation to have and I do think things are on a good track. 

[datingat23]

Irrelevant just messaged me on POF again. I forgot he was on the list of reasons being deleted was a good thing..

He made another new account. I wonder if he's been getting deleted? He's had like 15 different accounts since I've come in contact with him.

Anyways, it reminded me that I never got a chance to tell everyone about the last time he tried to contact me.

He text me out of nowhere.. So I made him think I got my number changed hoping that it would make him stop trying to contact me.

It has so far, in terms of him texting me, so that's good. But apparently he still hasn't found someone and thinks he can somehow change my mind.

I guess I'll post a picture of our text conversation because it makes me laugh every time I see it in my screenshots. That'll be up in a little bit.

[datingat23]

I swear every time I rate someone 1 star, OkCupid shows me what 1 star really looks like immediately after. Like "Oh, you think that was bad? Let me show you how good you just had it." Christ.

[datingat23]

Me immediately upon finishing my drink:

[datingat23]

Every day that I log into OkC or POF just reinforces why I'm hoping things will work out with Love.

No one I've talked to had what he had. And I'm not looking to replace him.. It's just.. No one is holding my interest for more than a couple of messages. 

Obviously Love and I can't work out right now because of all of the shit he has going on.

I haven't even been talking to him. I've tried but I'd either get one or two short texts back that night.. Or nothing at all. I know he's busy.. Things were better before right when he came back. It seemed like he was trying. Now it seems like he's either sick of me, or just doesn't care one way or the other.

I don't know how to turn that around, unfortunately. So I'm trying to leave him alone for a bit and then talk to him, maybe it'll be a better time, or he'll have been thinking about me or something. i don't know. I want to say I'll wait until he says something, but truthfully, he's busy as fuck and he's with work people for like 99% of the time he's awake most of the time so it's not like he's out drinking with them thinking "Oh, I better text her and see how she's doing." If he thinks of me, and I know he does, it's more of a.. "Oh, I don't know. I'll ask her the next time we talk." sort of thing. I know I deserve someone who thinks about me and talks about me more but I'm not finding that.

I'm trying, but I'm not super hopeful or looking super hard at this point. If the perfect guy finds me, then he finds me. If not, I'm at least slightly entertained, albeit, deeply saddened that no one even compares to Love.

I've been trying to talk to Nolan again because I miss talking to him but he keeps saying that I'm being weird and it makes no fucking sense because I say hi and he's like.. "You're being odd." Uh? Whatttttt?

I'm fucking confused. I don't know. I think he's being weird.

[datingat23]

I just finally checked my messages on my personal blog and found like three anon asks...

"Lets make out."

"You're sexy as fuck. Let me hit that."

"Boner. Thank you."

I checked my tracker and the last three asks came from way far away.. And my personal blog only has like one picture of me on it. So I'm really starting to wonder if they found me on OkC and then decided to message me on my blog instead of on OkC cause they have no balls or something? But I don't have any visitors on OkC from France or Canada.. So wtf?!

But seriously. No. No to all of it.

[datingat23]

Update on Creepy Creeper:

He FB messaged me THREE times while I was at work today.

"Hey. What's up, girl?"

"Hello? Are you getting my messages?"

"Why aren't you answering?"

Well, dumbass, I'm not answering because you wont back the hell off. But, since that's something your tiny brain could not possibly comprehend.. Perhaps another reason I'm not answering is that I'm at work and literally had not even seen your messages at that point.

Hint: If the bottom of the screen doesn't say "seen at ____" it means that I haven't seen it yet. Calm your testicles. 

Oh, who am I kidding.. I wasn't going to answer even if I had seen it.

[tanakas-moved]

if you’re mad at me please just tell me what i did wrong instead of ignoring me

[livelifefullyidell]

[datingat23]

I'm back on POF.

After they deleted me for no reason and told me not to bother making a new profile because their magical robots would detect it and delete it immediately.

Good luck, robots. I've been back for months, just never filled out the profile.

And I've already gotten a ton of "hey. what's up?" messages in the first few minutes.. 

Ahh, feels just like home. :/