"I Love Serial Killer Documentaries"

A Compilation of my Unrequited Online-Dating Openers

[datingmenace]

Have you taken pictures of yourself in a bikini so that your bellybutton represents the all-seeing eye of Hal 9000?

[datingmenace]

I see you like to give second chances... which is good... because I can change baby, I can change.

[datingmenace]

In some of your photos I notice your clothes have fallen off. Sometimes when this happens to me, I forget where I leave them and, like you, find that photographing myself and uploading the images helps me to remember where they are. Problem solved.

[datingmenace]

Can you not do without moisturiser because you are an alien lizard having to constantly conceal your reptilian identity to fit into this harsh and judgmental world?

I noticed one of my old flat-mates was an alien lizard after discovering a pot of cream in the bathroom, which read 'to remove reptilian scales'...Personally, I welcome your surreptitious invasion.

[datingmenace]

Have you adapted well to being Northern in London?

I haven't yet got used to the blank stares I am greeted with whenever I say something perfectly normal.

For instance, when someone is holding something interesting and I say to them "cob us it" it sends them into a confused panic as though I had exclaimed an incantation to open the gates of Yorkshire hell.

Is that why you work with children? The only ones with any common sense.

[datingmenace]

I couldn't help but notice you like having fun, coincidentally I also like to have fun. It’s great we already have this in common.

Are you a volunteer at a fun factory? That would be fun!

[datingmenace]

Eyebrows are as much a window to the soul as the eyes are, according to some. Dark and thick is a sign of auspiciousness, so I hear, and therefore will be integral to your success.

[datingmenace]

What is the ‘British thing’ you have been doing for the past 3 years? Is it a Hugh Grant impression?

[datingmenace]

Whilst you are obviously an attractive woman, that first picture sort of makes you look like a torso-less, floating bum head… 

or perhaps some sort of giant-brained, evil-genius, Batman-villain.

[datingmenace]

Having your phone on silent, do you leave it on the vibrate setting? My phone is pretty much always on silent. I think this is slowly leading to neurotic groin spasms whereby I think my phone is vibrating, but really it is just an elusive trouser phantom, tickling my thigh.

Does this happen to other people? Or do you recommend some sort of pelvic exorcist?

[datingmenace]

It would be best not to live as if I were going to die today, as I would spend most of the day sobbing and begging the cruel universe to spare my life. I definitely wouldn't get much accomplished.

[datingmenace]

Would tickling my balls with a paintbrush count as ‘arty wank’ if I ejaculate out of my Jackson Bollock?

[datingmenace]

Are you ‘living the dream’ where I am stuck in a room full of constantly expanding mushrooms, which multiply with frightening velocity until I am overwhelmed and implode?

[datingmenace]

Will your food revolution involve a soufflé uprising and guerilla egg soldiers?

[datingmenace]

Does your verbal playfulness ever involve haiku?

I have a haiku,

I didn't put much thought in,

Hence the abrupt end.

[datingmenace]

Does ‘Partying Berlin style’ generally end up with a burning of the Reichstag?

[datingmenace]

To -bezoomny_ptitsa-

Is your screen name an unsubtle disguise for 'zoom tits'?