orpheused!

perhaps in another universe...

[fromadistantstar]

you finally meet the semi-mythical wanderer who seeks out the resting places of failed interstellar voyagers and writes their stories so they won't be forgotten and she tells you she's not into girls what's the fucking point

[barbie-verse]

sometimes a family can be a depressed bisexual russian dog dad, his gay autistic doe eyed husband, a reformed asshole with rbf, his bf who smells of apples and queer joy, a superhero obsessed goalie, a 7 year old, a grill master, a black bisexual coach who IS your dad now, and a failed therapy dog

[thedoubteriswise]

earlier amy and I were discussing both real life hockey player sergei fedorov's baffling decision to leave an extremely successful team in favor of a far shittier one, and also this fabulous post:

and just thinking like. when ilya signs with ottawa, there will be plenty of speculation and conspiracy theories proposed to explain why the fuck he would ever do such a stupid thing. ilya is asked about it whenever a reporter comes within 50 feet of him. he is also hassled by every fan who recognizes him at the airport or in a bar. and I think he responds to this by giving a different bullshit answer every single time.

"I have developed life threatening allergy to dunkin. tim's is very bad coffee of course but it will not kill me"

"ottawa promised me free lifetime supply of little maple candies they sell to tourists, how can I refuse this"

"I have always dreamed of exciting career at treasury board of canada"

"I am russian spy actually, hockey is just a cover. unless you are the immigration agent looking at my citizen application and you are watching old interview of me to make sure I am nice enough to be canadian. in that case this is joke. ha ha."

if he wasn't the main character of hockey twitter before, he is now, and of course one of his answers is the real one - that he moved to ottawa to be closer to shane. this means that when they eventually get outed, the running gag becomes posting clips of his other stupid answers and being like holy shit. can you guys believe ilya rozanov is ACTUALLY a russian spy who's working for the treasury board of canada in exchange for maple candies??

before they're out though, the other gag is making increasingly unhinged thirst posts about shane, all of which include captions/tags about how ilya is uncancelled, free my man he did nothing wrong, if he'd signed to a peewee team on the moon because that's where his man was he would have been right, etc. etc. and THEN people start posting photos of themselves in remote or bizarre locations like hey guys. I live here in this abandoned apartment complex in belarus. to be closer to my gay lover shane hollander <3

this gives ilya's gay lover shane hollander several dozen heart attacks at first but ends up being fantastic cover, because now they can start occasionally posting their own photos together whenever they happen to be in A Location, and everyone thinks they're just going along with the bit

even after they're outed, shane is making very normal posts about where he is and what he's doing, thanking whichever sponsor or whatever. and then ilya is posting something from the same location like hi guys. I'm here at wimbledon. to be closer to my gay lover shane hollander <3

meanwhile the city of ottawa is on their official twitter like may we remind you all that we are not the middle of nowhere or a weird place to be. we are not antarctica, an isolated yurt in mongolia, or the international space station. we are literally the capital city of canada

[70socialite]

Ilya: I could marry Svetlana.

Shane: And I'm in love with Hayden.

Ilya:

Shane: See, now we're both saying stupid shit.

[military-newsboys]

Ilya: Yeah, on the rare occasion Hayden tells a joke that’s funny… Sometimes I wait until I’m alone in my room to laugh.

[thedoubteriswise]

earlier amy and I were discussing both real life hockey player sergei fedorov's baffling decision to leave an extremely successful team in favor of a far shittier one, and also this fabulous post:

and just thinking like. when ilya signs with ottawa, there will be plenty of speculation and conspiracy theories proposed to explain why the fuck he would ever do such a stupid thing. ilya is asked about it whenever a reporter comes within 50 feet of him. he is also hassled by every fan who recognizes him at the airport or in a bar. and I think he responds to this by giving a different bullshit answer every single time.

"I have developed life threatening allergy to dunkin. tim's is very bad coffee of course but it will not kill me"

"ottawa promised me free lifetime supply of little maple candies they sell to tourists, how can I refuse this"

"I have always dreamed of exciting career at treasury board of canada"

"I am russian spy actually, hockey is just a cover. unless you are the immigration agent looking at my citizen application and you are watching old interview of me to make sure I am nice enough to be canadian. in that case this is joke. ha ha."

if he wasn't the main character of hockey twitter before, he is now, and of course one of his answers is the real one - that he moved to ottawa to be closer to shane. this means that when they eventually get outed, the running gag becomes posting clips of his other stupid answers and being like holy shit. can you guys believe ilya rozanov is ACTUALLY a russian spy who's working for the treasury board of canada in exchange for maple candies??

before they're out though, the other gag is making increasingly unhinged thirst posts about shane, all of which include captions/tags about how ilya is uncancelled, free my man he did nothing wrong, if he'd signed to a peewee team on the moon because that's where his man was he would have been right, etc. etc. and THEN people start posting photos of themselves in remote or bizarre locations like hey guys. I live here in this abandoned apartment complex in belarus. to be closer to my gay lover shane hollander <3

this gives ilya's gay lover shane hollander several dozen heart attacks at first but ends up being fantastic cover, because now they can start occasionally posting their own photos together whenever they happen to be in A Location, and everyone thinks they're just going along with the bit

even after they're outed, shane is making very normal posts about where he is and what he's doing, thanking whichever sponsor or whatever. and then ilya is posting something from the same location like hi guys. I'm here at wimbledon. to be closer to my gay lover shane hollander <3

meanwhile the city of ottawa is on their official twitter like may we remind you all that we are not the middle of nowhere or a weird place to be. we are not antarctica, an isolated yurt in mongolia, or the international space station. we are literally the capital city of canada

[hrgifs]

shane taking care of ilya ♥️

[literary-claustrophobia]

Babysitting Duty

[smokey-ilya]

i like to believe that the first chirp ilya learns in english is “ice is slippery!” he heard a middle aged man yell it out once during an international prospect cup after one of his teammates caught an edge and went down. now it’s the best most immature thing he says. imagine an unassuming hayden pike already frustrated bc montreal is getting pumped 4-1 then he blows a tire in front of the centaurs bench only to see ilya’s big ass lean over the boards, looking down at him, and yelling out through that accent and laughter ICE IS SLIPPERY. and now he has to just pick himself up and endure another 12mins of gameplay before the torture can end

[cuppydogshane]

maybe one day scott figures out Ilya is trying to Play with him and the next time he calls Scott a dinosaur he chirps back with something about how Ilya is 5 years old fresh baby just born yesterday. And Ilya Smiles HUGE

[isisisak]

when the off season starts ilya gives luca haas a ten dollar bill to "have fun this summer" to be a little shit and imply that he is a child that still gets pocket money but first of all luca is just so happy that he has an inside joke with the legend ilya rozanov but also a bunch of years later, when ilya has retired, luca is kinda sad bc this is his first ever end of the season without his captain making this dumb joke but then theres a postcard in his mailbox

on the front is ilya lounging on a sunbed, fruity drink in one hand, a cigarette in the other (luca notices that its unlit), with a rediculously big hat, dark sunglasses and a hawaiian shirt on and a grey-around-her-snout anya cuddled right beside him

he opens it and a crumpled ten dollar bill falls out and inside it just says "have fun this summer"

[shanyshko]

i would like someone to write a fic where cliff marleau gets almost all the way there in figuring out ilya and shane's whole deal but like j.j just thinks that ilya is in unrequited love with his biggest rival. but unlike j.j he would not try to get ilya over shane he knows that won't work. he is going to parent trap the shit out of them. he's locking them in closets. he's inviting both of them to dinner (he pretends to be a major brand and has to get an llc registered to get shane to agree to this) and then ditching. he's hyping up roz to every metro he knows saying did you know roz reads the new yorker. yeah people assume he's an airhead but he's actually really smart. yeah he'd be good to settle down with. dependable. if you know anyone who likes that kind of thing. anyway

[blacksheepcolorfulskin]

I like to think the Tunameltdown chirping never ends. They’re in their 50s and Shane innocently asks Ilya if he wants a tuna melt for lunch and Ilya goes, “Yes, but let me hide your running shoes first.” Shane just throws a fork at him.

[isisisak]

ilya feels like he missed the last step on a flight of stairs every time shane mentions our

first time this happens: shane's on ilya's couch in boston, chewing on one of his hoodie strings with a frown on his face "our wifi's down" - he says this so casually like it didnt just make ilya's whole world stop!?

then there's this one time at shane's parents house, david had cooked a delicious meal and they were supposed to bring the dessert so after dinner shane goes "ah, we left it in our car, just a sec" - ilya stares after him, stomach full of butterflies

after a phone call with hayden about one of the kid's birthdays he tells ilya absend mindedly "hayd says hi. oh, and amber really liked our present" - ilya crawls over to him, hiding from feeling so much over the joint custody of a toy fire truck under shane's shirt

when they both play for the centaurs and someone asks them to stay longer at the bar after a big win and shane answers "sorry, we need to get home to our dog" - ilya should get a medal for not tackling him to the ground then and there

[1410-1221-dec2008]

[everfaye]

I’ve actually been fucking your son for 10 years. Thank you for pasta

[ponchopeligroso]

every single person you know has something in their life and past that is probably worth collapsing to the ground in an uncontrollably sobbing heap over, so be nice to each other and tell good jokes