Can I just sit here and weep a little? Does anyone mind? I seem to have misplaced myself, and I can't find me anywhere. This has been the overarching sentiment skulking around my house as of late. I keep looking, searching, scouring for my next moves and the harder I look, the more elusive they seem. Maddening. I recently completed a journey that has taken me several years of hard work, sacrifice and self-generated drive to accomplish. Strange as it may seem, my history on completing things has been shockingly poor at best. But this, I completed. And I think as it begins to sink in, I'm increasingly lost for a coping mechanism for all the emotions that are fermenting to the surface. And it's coupled with a cesation of forward momentum towards any sort of specific and particular goal. I've been set adrift. (I can't help but wonder if subconsciously this has been why my track record on finishing things I start has traditionally been so poor? Fear of the "now what" phase?) While I spend my days riding a rollercoaster of ups and downs (mostly downs), I wait to feel the full sense of relief and satisfaction that is supposed to come with the attainment of a well-earned personal victory, but it's not coming. Not only is it not coming, I now realize, but it's not even likely going to come. Not for me. And I don't understand why. Why is there more overwhelm than there is alleviation? Whatever the course, I want my life to be on purpose, not by default. I desire a decisive trajectory rather than aimless meandering. So I shall continue to hunt for the next right objective, but in the meantime I'd like to take a moment and release the years of steam I have clearly built up in this pressure cooker I have internally fabricated. I really don't want to choose merely out of knee jerk reaction to this feeling of free fall. It needs to make sense, both now and for my future. And I wont be able to think clearly or make the next right move until I can sit for a while and just weep. Tissue donations are welcomed.