be my mistake | jjk
Pairing : Jeon Jungkook × Reader
Genre : bestfriends! au, hurt! au, angst
Summary : Jungkook was comfort personified. Your safe haven. Until you uttered the three words that ruined everything.
Song Companions :
Be My Mistake by The 1975
Warnings : none, except bad writing lol.
Word Count : 1.6k
Author's Note : This is my work since a very long time. It's quite similar to the one drabble I wrote last time, but there's just something about Jungkook and comfort that it keeps on inspiring me to write similar scenarios over and over again.
Please excuse the writing since it's been a while since I last wrote anything.
Beyond your windows, the lightning threatened to clatter to the ground. You watched it, the light almost blinding, before it went out all too quick. Counting the seconds, you waited so that you would feel the impact of it. And surely, it followed soon after. The ground reverberated with it - the cackling energy that it was hit with through the thunder.
The clouds piled high in the sky, moving with a rhythm along with the wind, which howled furiously into the lonely night.
You wondered, in this stormy weather, why did you only feel the presence of a haunting silence that filled your room?
It was the absence of a warm presence—the remnants of a resounding laughter—that you felt in your very bones. The eyes - which were the home of a galaxy of stars - were nowhere to be found.
All because of you. All because of your stupid mistake.
The mistake that now wouldn't let you get even a wink of sleep. The mistake that would follow you through your nightmares and the endless hours of the prolonging nights. It would sit with you, up until your very last breath - until you set it right, in this lifetime or the next. Which you doubted was possible.
The tears threatened to fall again, but you blinked them back. Was there even a point in lamenting further?
But the hollowness in your chest said otherwise, because it had consumed your entire being. You were nothing but a shell of all that had been - a shell of all the possibilities you had ruined.
Your sole confidant was out of your reach, and you had to wallow in your misery all by yourself. It was quite lonely this way without him - for he had been there for everything. Everytime you hit rock bottom, he was there. Everytime you celebrated your tiniest achievement, he was there. For the good and the bad, he had stood with you like a rock - comforting you always by just his mere presence.
"Y/n?"
Your eyes widened. No, that couldn't be. That must have been a figment of your imagination, for he couldn't be here now. Not after all that you had said.
As if on cue, you then heard soft footsteps approaching, dimmed by the pattering of the rain. You knew the rhythm of them by heart but couldn't comprehend why they were towards your crouched form on the bed - your chest hugging your knees. So, he really was here.
After everything, he still sought after you.
But then again, you were his best friend. It was not in his nature to leave you alone - not when he knew there was a storm of hurt raging inside you.
You couldn't stay still. Wanting to see that your brain had not been playing tricks, you risked a glance, not caring that he would glimpse your eyes that were puffy with sorrow and see that grief had consumed your entire form. You never had to care - not when it came to him. Because he would already know, for he understood you like nobody else.
"J-Jungkook?"
There it was. The sound of his name that felt all too familiar on your tongue. It was oh so sweet, and too painful to say at the moment.
Jungkook stood there at the edge of your bed. His form was barely illuminated in the darkness of your room, but you could still make out his face. His hair was dripping wet from the rain. You could see his clenched jaw, the curve of his soft lips, the slope of his nose, and his eyes. They were dimmed of their usual light, but they shone with a storm of incomprehensible emotions - all seeming to contradict each other. His hands were fisted at his sides, as if he had to put effort into refraining himself from doing something. Perhaps comforting you, like he always had.
Jeon Jungkook, your human form of comfort and warmth, stood right before you. Yet, never had he felt so distant, so out of limits as he did in this moment, regarding you with guarded eyes.
"Jungkook?" You called out again, not sure what to do. There was a heated debate of your body - which needed him to hold you impossibly close, with your mind - which was trying to knock some sense into you, that he possibly wouldn't even want to stay in any proximity with you.
He sighed in response.
The faint smell of rain and Jungkook wafted through the room—a scent that had been your favourite all these years, and calmed you like nothing else.
"Come here, Y/n."
In his voice, you found reluctance - a hint of hesitance as his eyes flitted from your damp cheeks to your wet lashes. They emphasized the very mess you were.
You merely shook my head. "I-I cannot possibly d-do that, Jungkook."
"Y/n, please." The desperation in this voice slipped through, and you saw the raw pain painted across those black orbs.
"You know that we are in no position to be in each other's company at the moment, Kook." It was the very truth that you had been refusing to accept the past few hours.
It was this truth present amidst the both of you that had put the distance between you two. It had created this rift between the two of you. You could see it in the way Jungkook refrained from doing his usual thing with you.
The newfound distance only twisted the knife of pain and dug into your wounds further.
But ignoring all of it, Jungkook continued to communicate his request silently , holding your deterring gaze.
"No, Jungkook. I-I cannot." You cowered into yourself as a fresh wave of sorrow flooded through you. You were responsible for this mess you had put the both of you in.
Your stupid, messy feelings.
Stupid emotions that overtook all your senses, and the stupid stutter of your heart everytime he looked into your eyes. This utterly stupid love that you had for him, that consumed your entire being every second that you breathed.
"Y/n, you don't have to do this to yourself. We are fine - we'll continue and stand through this together, like we always have."
"No, Jungkook, we can't," you argued.
"Why not?" His brows furrowed, forming that tiny knot between them. You brushed aside the desire to kiss it away.
"It's not fair to me nor you. You know that very well."
There was no point in carrying this any further - not when Jungkook would always be careful with you now that he knew. The very essence of your dynamic was lost the moment you said those three words. The pair of you were meant to be platonic, and nothing further. Only because of that did Jungkook communicate so freely, and laid his heart bare before you.
"It's only continuing what we have always had. I need you, Y/n." His voice inched towards breaking, and you knew you were pushing him towards the edge.
"Don't say that." Your voice was just above a whisper.
Jungkook looked utterly stricken. All the colour drained from his face, as he gazed at you with widened eyes.
The thunder struck in the distance once more, and the room shook a little as an aftereffect.
"Y/n, do you mean to say that we can't continue this any longer? Do you mean to say that-" He took a sharp breath.
You smiled wrly. The damage had already been done. What could a little more hurting do?
"Yes, Kook." You looked up at him, then. Beautiful—that's what he was. He stole your breath even now, and the hollowness in your chest felt more prominent as you weighed the possibility of not seeing him again that happened to linger in the air - in his unspoken words. "I can't do this any longer."
"Y/n, you can't - you won't just give up on this, right?" Jungkook leaned towards you as desperation gnawed at all his clean-cut edges to tear him apart - ripping his heart into pieces. "Don't make that mistake, Y/n. You-you can't do this."
It was all evident in his eyes: the losing battle that he was fighting - the one you wanted him to win. But that would only result in your eventual doom and put you back into that place of agony as you had experienced all these years.
"What you are asking of me is very selfish, Jungkook. I can't stand a second more with the fact that you are not mine, that we will always be just friends."
There. There you put out your most innermost thoughts for Jungkook to see. You laid your heart bare before him, once again.
He looked conflicted then, that battle from before still evident. But there was a defeated slouch to his shoulders, because he knew then that there was nothing he could say to tackle this.
That your decade long friendship was going to end, just like that.
"I understand." He looked into your eyes and held your gaze.
You raked your eyes throughout his face and memorized every detail of him. You committed the faint soapy, laundry-like smell of his to your memory, knowing it would never invade your senses after this.
"Goodbye, Kook." You managed a smile.
He looked at you then - really looked at you, as if seeing you for the very first time and perhaps the last time. He didn't return your goodbye nor your smile, but merely acknowledged it with a nod and just walked out of your door - out of your life.
And as he went, he left you as an empty shell. Leaving you with nothing but the fragments of him that you would make sure to cling onto all the years that would follow.
The remnants of the smell of rain and Jungkook lingered in the room, that without him, made this room all the more suffocating.
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