aftercare! it’s important! I’ve had multiple conversations in the past week that have been a little alarming— a Dom that didn’t know Doms can even get aftercare, someone that was fully unaware that aftercare can be done in online play, and another person who needed me to talk them through self-aftercare when they were abandoned post-scene. so I figured we’d chat a little bit about it and what it is.
first things first, not everyone needs aftercare, but everyone should have the opportunity for aftercare if they need it. these are also only ideas and suggestions; aftercare is highly personal and varies individual to individual (my aftercare usually includes watching Seinfeld, that’s not going to be viable for most people). I’ll talk about general aftercare (which can be preventative of subdrop/Domdrop), self aftercare, online aftercare, and care for when you’re actively in drop.
subdrop/Domdrop— what is it? you know how if you do a bunch of drugs, you feel miserable and depressed the next day because your brain dumped out all its serotonin and endorphins? same vibe here. during a scene, your body is pumping out endorphins like crazy (which acts both as kind of a euphoric high and also as something that dulls pain). you’re also getting a flood of serotonin that makes your body/brain go “hooray”! if those things stop without some kind of transitional phase, you can suddenly be left without endorphins or serotonin and the body/brain can crash. if we’re keeping with the drug analogy, aftercare is the B12 you want to take to regulate your system. drop can look really physical (shivering, too cold or too hot, numbness, pain, unable to move, nauseated, etc) and it can also be extremely emotional (feelings of guilt, shame, self loathing, disgust, feeling gross or dirty, severe anxiety, feelings of depression, irritability, etc). some people never get drop. some people always do. most of us exist kind of on a spectrum; some scenes on some days will cause a drop, others will not. aftercare can be preventative of drop but isn’t always.
general aftercare ideas:
— words of affirmation. “you did great”, “I loved that”, “you look so good”, etc etc etc. validating that the scene was fun, that you like engaging with this person in this way, a little bit of extra kindness goes a long way (especially if you’re partaking in any sadomasochism, whether emotional or physical)
— getting extra comfy. soft, warm blankets can be regulating. comfy pajamas can help those who want a little more privacy after a scene/help with the feeling of being exposed.
— cuddling. warm, gentle body to body contact can provide a feeling of safety and closeness.
— snacks and water. rehydrating and refueling your body can be crucial. the longer/more physical the scene, the more this is necessary. my best advice is to keep one water bottle next to wherever you’re scening for during and one full for after, as well as keeping a snack ready and close by for after. tailor this to your scene, too; you might be doing something where you’ll need sugars to get blood sugar back up, you might be doing something where you’ll need a very light snack to not upset the tummy.
— debriefing the scene. sometimes just talking through the session can be super helpful. “did you enjoy that?” “was there anything you especially liked?” “was there anything you didn’t like very much?” “was there anything that came up for you that you didn’t expect?”
— doing something nonsexual together. play a video game together or watch a TV show or something else while you let your bodies come down from the scene. just holding space to do something together that isn’t emotionally or physically intense can go a long way.
— sometimes aftercare is very literal; you might need to actually genuinely care for your/their body after a scene.
any open wounds need to be cleaned and tended to with a first aid kit
playing with anything unsanitary means you should be cleaning up after the scene
massage might be necessary for any body parts that were subject to bondage
to treat bruises you may want to ice them and to prevent bruising you may want to use Arnica or something similar
these are all just ideas to get your brain going. aftercare may look different for you and your partner(s).
self aftercare:
— check in with friends. get some positive conversation going that gets your brain out of a scene headspace and back in the regular world.
— snacks and water still! please keep your body fueled and hydrated!
— get moving a little bit; go for a walk or get up and stretch or whatever makes your body feel good. put yourself back in the physicality of your body outside of kink and sex
— watch a comfort show or movie or play a favorite video game or read a favorite book. distracting the brain can do wonders
— journaling is underrated here. keep an aftercare journal where you can write out how you’re feeling, what your body feels like, you can debrief the scene by yourself in this journal, you can doodle, whatever it is that feels good
— you still need to physically care for anything that happened to your body during play. please treat wounds even if you’re alone
— I’m telling you, don’t underestimate the power of getting comfy with some blankets. blankets are the snuggles we get when no one is there to snuggle with.
these are just ideas to get your brain going. aftercare may look different for you.
online aftercare:
— don’t just dip out of the conversation when the fun sexy stuff is done. just because you’re not physically getting up, getting dressed, going “bye!” and walking out a door doesn’t mean just dipping after a virtual scene doesn’t create the same feeling for your scene partner.
— send each other voice notes or selfies to simulate a little more closeness.
— debrief!
— words of affirmation!
— pick an online game to play together or stream a show together
— talk to each other about what you’re doing for self aftercare! make it a group effort!
— maybe don’t focus on language like “I wish I was there with you” in these moments. when the brain is a little raw from play, that kind of talk can feel very sad and sensitive
— find silly videos to send each other!
these are just ideas to get your brain going. aftercare may look different for you and your partner(s).
CARING FOR DROP:
— physical care for drop is first and foremost important. it’s very hard to take care of the emotional aspects when your body isn’t regulating itself.
grounding: do you feel present in your body? drink some water. do deep breathing. touching yourself or being touched nonsexually can help— rubbing on the arms and legs can help bring you back to your body. try to activate different muscles at a time— wiggle your fingers, wiggle your toes, roll out your neck. some people like laying flat on their back. some people like the pressure of a weighted blanket or partner laying on them. some people like curling up in the fetal position. find what works for you.
temperature: do you feel too hot or too cold? too cold— blankets are good, but might not cut it. a warm shower and something warm to drink will be more effective at warming the whole body up. socks and hats warm the body up faster than clothes or blankets alone. too hot— lukewarm showers (not cold, so as not to shock the system) can also help regulate, cold drinks. get naked and lay on top of all your blankets or even on the floor. put on loose clothing and go outside into colder air if you can.
nausea: it sounds counterintuitive but you’ll likely still want to put something light like crackers in your tummy. water and deep breathing can help here too. sitting with your head against your knees can be useful.
— it’s important to note that any wounds or stress on the body can be making these feelings much worse.
— emotional care for drop is a little more complex but here’s a bit of a look at it
feeling… needy/clingy? it’s okay to ask for the reassurance and affirmation you need. it’s okay to say “I need to be told you like me, that XYZ was good, that you don’t think I’m XYZ”. it’s okay to reach out to friends if you can’t get aftercare from your partner and say “hey, I’m feeling down, can you tell me something you like about me?”
feeling… anxious? deep breaths, water, grounding techniques, distractions are all going to help here.
feeling… dirty/gross/shameful? I’ve found that taking a shower and getting physically clean can help with the dirty feeling. remember this isn’t your entirety, it’s one part of you and it’s not a bad part, either. shame is a big huge feeling to tackle. I can’t stress enough how much of a good idea it is to have it written somewhere (a note, a document, a journal, sticky notes) “it isn’t shameful to want, it’s not shameful to enjoy yourself, it isn’t shameful to have desires, it’s not shameful to have consensual fun that makes you feel good”.
feeling… guilty? it’s okay to need reassurance that you did a good thing that the other person wanted. guilt is also a really big thing to have to tackle and I’m once again recommending a prewritten note to yourself. “it’s okay to have these wants, you’re not hurting anyone, you’re not wrong or evil for having consensual fun that makes you feel good”.
with drop, you may feel depressed or fatigued for a few days. be gentle on yourself. lean on those who care about you. take it easy. you will be okay.
not everyone needs aftercare. it’s okay if your aftercare looks like needing space or feeling quiet. you’re not broken if you don’t need it. but there may come a day when you do need it, and it’s best to be prepared and know that this doesn’t mean something is horribly wrong, it’s a natural reaction. be kind to your partner(s), be kind to yourself, please treat your wounds, and have fun.
shh, it’s okay sweet boy. just breathe. i know, you’re doing so good for daddy. such a good boy. good boys cum when daddy rubs their puppy parts. can you be a good boy for me? can you cum for daddy?
awwww that’s right, there we go! let it allllll out, daddy’s right here. GOOD BOY.
The thing is "Padawan. Steal a car." is actually one of the oldest and noblest Jedi traditions. Part of the standard duties of being a Padawan involves securing the getaway vehicle when your assignment has gone sideways six times over and developed into a full Situation. They have all done this. I know in my heart that even Luminara at some point looked at a situation and sighed and asked Barriss to please steal a car before the shooting starts.
re-watching the original trilogy is great because you really get a sense for how weird luke skywalker is, just how quickly he becomes that weird AND how quickly he commits to it. Like he's honestly pretty chill in a new hope, but the absolute INSTANT he figures out he can move shit with his mind he goes full send on the cryptic off-putting bullshit. Walking around in full black robes, speaking in riddles, aura farming and backflipping whenever physically possible. He's clearly annoyed when he first meets yoda in empire, but he dismisses that pretty quickly in favour of ALSO becoming an over-dramatic space wizard. The combination of his two teachers being yoda and obi-wan kenobi and him being the son of anakin and padme creates the single most intense and fundamentally kind force sensitive perfectly embodying the heart of the jedi order whilst also serving egregious amounts of cunt and being bizarre to be around. He would have THRIVED as a jedi master during the high republic. he would have been every padawan's favourite and every other master's worst nightmare
What if we can resolve intractable philosophical conundrums through super saiyan-like power-ups and we just haven't figured them out yet? What if you screamed and flexed your muscles enough you could suddenly gain the ability to perceive things-in-themselves?
This is how Plotinus writes about the cultivation of Noesis
big brother thats always hanging off you and smothering you with affection and calling you every petname he can think of. big brother that fixes your hoodie strings.. big brother that presses his cheek to yours and nuzzles into you whenever he can.... big brother that loves you so so much...................
"Don't you wanna be good for me?" Evil. Evil tactic. Suddenly I'm folding and I'll do anything he ask cause yes, I wanna be good, I'll be so so good! Just for him <3
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