Toby

Admit it. You hate me.

[dead-man-walking-179]

I'm Toby. Just Toby. If you know me, you know me.

Yep. That's all I am. Classic Toby. "How's the weather out there?" "You have a good head on your shoulders." "Let's play with pockets." You get all of this amazingness in one tiny package. God, this show needs a reboot. Remember when we were more than just words on a page?

Nobody will understand this. "Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few." Nudge nudge wink wink. NUDGE NUDGE WINK WINK. I can type things on a blog like a normal person! I could type with the end of my stick if I wanted to!

Toby Toby Toby. I can talk for ages about how much I miss everyone. I got drunk on power, and high on ergot.

WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT THEN.

I'll cut right to it. You. Me. Meteor shit. Your insides. How's that sound?

Great. You get one clap.

(uncontrollable Joseph Ruskin laughter, punctuated with grinding)

"And our world will do the time warp again!"

[dead-man-walking-179]

If Wilbur Cross starts calling himself a Warlock then I’ll start calling myself a Bard.

That’ll never happen. He’s too much of a pussy.

[elle-jagerman]

if wilbur calls himself a warlock, i’ll actually learn about this dnd bullshit that all the nerds are crazed over.

[dead-man-walking-179]

:P

[dead-man-walking-179]

We all know who this is directed at.

Still don't know? I'll give you a little hint.

[fluffle-ocs]

Dude what about that creep Sherman!!

-Hatchet!Paton

[dead-man-walking-179]

There once was a man with red hands, Whose life brimmed with poorly-laid plans. He dated his palms, And he had no qualms 'Bout loosing the tip of his glans.

On Tuesdays he courted Rap Rat, On Thursdays, a plump Jellycat, And when he got bored He drew that pink sword And thrust it into his doormat.

What I have to say is half-true. Can you trust me? Well, that's up to you. The fact still remains: The hoard he retains Has caused his man-sausage to spew.

[dead-man-walking-179]

you getting the implications?

[dead-man-walking-179]

We all know who this is directed at.

Still don't know? I'll give you a little hint.

[dead-man-walking-179]

[dead-man-walking-179]

If Wilbur Cross starts calling himself a Warlock then I’ll start calling myself a Bard.

That’ll never happen. He’s too much of a pussy.

[elle-jagerman]

if wilbur calls himself a warlock, i’ll actually learn about this dnd bullshit that all the nerds are crazed over.

[dead-man-walking-179]

Well? @discipleofywrath?

[dead-man-walking-179]

"I'll come to your house and have an orgy in your motherfucking fish tank" as a song lyric should not make me laugh. I am CULTURED.

I think I'm cultured.

There we go! There's some Jim Carrey to remind me what actual fish comedy looks like. NO SEX. NO FISH SEX WHATSOEVER. Looking at you, @grace-chasity-nerdy-prude.

[dead-man-walking-179]

It's remarkable what a little bit of nutritional yeast will do to a bowl of popcorn.

Yeast. Sugar. If some corporation tried to shove that shit into bags and sell it at Costco, they wouldn't get half as far as a home cook.

Two tablespoons of vegetable oil and one of sugar directly into the popcorn pot. Then once you're done, cover that bastard with yeast. Just absolutely smother it with yeast. No, this isn't just me. Yeast is the best thing you can put on popcorn.

And don't be an idiot and think you're supposed to use dry yeast. "Gerald, call my lawyer! I just substituted bananas for potatoes, but I can't eat it!" Yes. I am calling you out, Monroe. Being a twit is mutually exclusive with making hot food.

YEAST TASTES GOOD ON POPCORN.

[beardedmrbean]

[theman]

I GOT A FUCKING RAISE THE POTATO WORKED WTF

[tattooedzombigirl]

This potato works. Every. Fucking. Time.

[imanutcase-10]

Then bring me luck

[thirddeadlysin]

the day after I posted this last time I was notified that I was selected for a really cool mentorship gig and got an unrelated glowing review at work

[purelunaris]

Tater?

[scarabsswarm]

I kinda need this…

[dead-man-walking-179]

God, I need good news right now. I have too much work on my plate.

[dead-man-walking-179]

So guess who just had the worst day in human history

[dead-man-walking-179]

If Wilbur Cross starts calling himself a Warlock then I’ll start calling myself a Bard.

That’ll never happen. He’s too much of a pussy.

[dead-man-walking-179]

oooooo look at me I'm Gary Goldstein and my voice sounds like a lawn mower that hasn't been oiled in 32 years

[dead-man-walking-179]

Paul won't Twitch to the masses. His stream was supposed to start an hour ago.

My friend says Dickbutt got him. I hate that guy. Hate him. He ruins everything. Then again, shit doesn't fall far from the asshole, and it might as well be his human slave. Who gave this ass the idea to have human slaves anyway? Didn't someone get cancelled for that a couple of years ago?

Anyway. Back to Paul. I have a professional interest in Paul, as one does. Oh boy do I want a cold can of CC Lemon right now. Whoever discontinued the white peach flavour should rot in hell. Bring that stuff back. It's good. I'd axe-murder someone if it meant getting another can of it.

People say that the worst thing that ever got discontinued was McDonalds' Szechuan Sauce. I don't care. Bring back my fucking soda.

[beardedmrbean]

[theman]

I GOT A FUCKING RAISE THE POTATO WORKED WTF

[tattooedzombigirl]

This potato works. Every. Fucking. Time.

[imanutcase-10]

Then bring me luck

[thirddeadlysin]

the day after I posted this last time I was notified that I was selected for a really cool mentorship gig and got an unrelated glowing review at work

[purelunaris]

Tater?

[scarabsswarm]

I kinda need this…

[dead-man-walking-179]

God, I need good news right now. I have too much work on my plate.

[dead-man-walking-179]

I have learned what a DNI is. So... DNI if you're a stick in the mud who hates fun. It's hip to be square.