Bloup

This is my vent space so tw

[deadinside8]

For several days, maybe even weeks, I've been feeling this profound loneliness that haunts me. I don't know what to do with this feeling, and I can't share it with anyone. I just feel like I'm not important in anyone's life. I'm not anyone's best friend, and I'm not anyone's favorite person. I'm just kinda there. I'm just existing in my daily grind without ever truly living. I just want to fill this void inside me. To leave without telling anyone and never come back. I just want to disappear into the world. To become just another stranger in the crowd. I don't know... I just want to stop feeling like I'm always needing other people's attention to feel alive. I've dedicated so much of my life to others that I don't even know who I am without them. After all, my only reason for living is just to avoid hurting my loved ones; that's been my reason for the last ten years. Now, all I know is that I exist in their eyes. In short, I just feel so alone and overwhelmed by a torrent of emotions that engulf me like a tsunami, but that I don't even know how to explain.

Ça fait maintenant plusieurs jours voir plusieurs semaine que je ressens cette profonde solitude qui me hante. Je ne sais pas quoi faire avec ce sentiment et je ne peux le partager avec personne. J’ai juste l’impression de ne pas être important dans la vie de qui que ce soit. Je ne suis pas le meilleur ami de personne et je ne suis pas la personne préférée de quelqu’un. Je suis juste la. Je fais juste exister dans mon train quotidien sans jamais vivre. J’ai juste envie de remplir ce vide en moi. Partir sans le dire à personne et ne plus jamais revenir. Je veux juste disparaître dans le monde. Devenir juste un autre inconnu dans la foule. Je sais pas.. je veux juste arrêter de sentir que je demande toujours l’attention des autres pour vivre. J’ai tellement dédié ma vie au autres que je sais même pas qui je suis sans eux. Après tout ma seule raison de vivre c’est juste pour pas faire du mal à mes proches, ça été cette raison pour 10 ans maintenant. Maintenant je sais juste exister dans leur regard. Bref, je me sens juste si seul et toucher d’un torrent d’émotions qui me submerge comme un tsunami mais que je sais même pas expliquer.

[deadinside8]

I hate my birthday. I absolutely hate it.

[deadinside8]

Today is my birthday. I don’t particularly like my birthday. In fact, I hate it. I don’t like to be reminded that I’m alive and real. It forces me to acknowledge that time passes and im still broken inside. That I have not gotten any better. i dont feel older, in fact i still feel like a child hiding under my bed.

[deadinside8]

Still relevant even a year later.

[deadinside8]

Why am I still here? I’m nobody’s favourite person, I’m just always there in the background wondering when I will be chosen. Knowing that it will never happen. The people I trusted with my real and honest feelings, told me I was too much and too depressing. So I guess I will just shut up. Already it was hard for me to open up and be honest, now I don’t think I will ever do that again. I guess I am made to be alone even if it shatters my heart even more. I am just so alone and lonely.

[deadinside8]

Im really craving the smell of a cigarette right now. Like I don’t want to smoke it for the nicotine, I just crave the smell of it.

[dumblr]

suddenly i don't want anyone to know me as deeply anymore, which is weird because i have always yearned for someone to understand my soul.

[deadinside8]

I don’t know why but I feel like punching something. I’m not angry but it’s like I have this urge to punch until my knuckles bleed.

[deadinside8]

Okay so my friends just did an « intervention » to tell me that it was heavy for them when I tell them I’m not doing good. That it’s been weeks now that I always just see the negative and it was weighting on them. That they didn’t know what to say anymore and it was making them uncomfortable. Like I get it that it must be annoying and redundant to them. But imagine how hard it is for me? Anyway, so I guess I shouldn’t talk to them about how I feel anymore.. It just makes me feel even more isolated and alone to be honest. But I don’t want to hurt them or anything so I guess I will accept what they told me and shut up.

[deadinside8]

How am I supposed to study when I don’t even want to be alive ?

[deadinside8]

I used to be an academic weapon but now I’m barely able to survive.

[deadinside8]

I feel so alone. My « friends » don’t speak to me anymore, even when I wrote to them first. Since they never text me first, I’m always the one who needs to reach out. But now they don’t even text back. I have the feeling that they just ignore me. I guess I have become too much, too problematic for them. Like I have no one to talk to about what I’m feeling. I guess that’s why I write on the internet, for complete strangers to see.

[deadinside8]

What am I doing wrong with my life? Why do always come back to this default state of despair and sadness? Why can’t I have one single day where I feel relatively okay, I always spiral back to this depressed state where my dark thoughts consume me like poison.

[deadinside8]

What am I even doing here? I’m no one’s first choice, not even second or third.. I’m just kinda there, drifting through life hopping from one task to another without finding an actual purpose. Like I’m just the background character in every story, never interacted with, just present without reason.

[deadinside8]

I just finished all my schoolwork I had to do today. It’s only 9pm and I’m really not tired. So I don’t know what to do with myself. Because I always need to be busy and occupied to not let my mind wander off and get into dark places. So right now I’m just looking at my ceiling doing nothing because I don’t even have friends to talk to.

[deadinside8]

I feel completely alone right now and thinking of getting drunk or relapsing just to cope with the bad thoughts.. like it’s been really really hard lately and I don’t know what to do anymore

[deadinside8]

You know it’s a different type of hurt when you’re trying to do school work and tears just rolls down your cheeks for no reason

[worthless-misery]

Dear diary...

It doesn't matter.

Nobody would care. Nobody would miss me.

It wouldn't make a difference.