one of my biggest heartbreaks is one of my best friends for nearly 10 years grifting and cutting ME off after i put up with years of lies, manipulation, money that was never returned, favors i was never compensated for. but i stopped answering texts during a depressive episode while starting a new job and im not a good friend
i will never get over one of my closest friends accusing me of “playing out hypothetical cheating scenarios” because i played fields of mistria while in a relationship.
Warnings: slow burn, friends to lovers, Spencer pining, reader is struggling in LA, poor studio apartment, language towards the end, abusive boyfriend, physical/verbal abuse, big TW for abuse in this one
Request: This just came from my own head 😊
A/N: I am ASTOUNDED at the sheer amount of love and messages I have received over this series. I apologize I have not replied to all, truly it's been so overwhelming and made my Mama Bear heart so happy 😭 please enjoy every morsel of this meal my lovelies
Part 1: The Kickstart
Part 2: Mama Bear
Part 3: Chivalry {You Are Here}
If you or anyone you know is experiencing domestic abuse please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788 for 24/7 confidential support.
~~~
Spencer thought he filled the role of best friend rather well.
He frequently invites you over for games and movies, the thought of you in that shabby apartment with only Aaron for company keeping him up at night. But he doesn’t try to sway you too much.
It should be enough that he has you for the night, making you laugh and smile. He’d rather have those memories than spend his time trying to convince you that your boyfriend is an asshole. He drives you back to your apartment afterwards.
Gritting his teeth.
It was just something best friends did.
On some nights, when he was really lucky, you’d pull his arm onto your lap and start to trace his tattoos. It gave your fidgety hands something to do.
Spencer would sit there, slumped into the couch, his arm lazily in your lap. His hand conveniently resting on your lower thigh. He closes his eyes eventually, lulled away by your light fingers.
His own fingers could curl into the crook of your knee. But he resists.
It was just something best friends did.
He starts to bring you a daily soda. Sometimes you’d meet him with a similar can of kickstart.
“Is that from your old gas station?” he’d ask.
You shrug your shoulders, “I wanted to get a maple bar.”
Some days you’d find that Spencer had a clever story rehearsed that made it plausible to drive you home after work. That way it didn’t sound like an inconvenience to him.
“Let me drive you home.”
“Oh, no – that’s all right! I don’t want you to drive out of your way.”
“Actually, I’m heading in that direction anyway. I need to stop by the store on the street over.”
Sometimes the story is a little more farfetched – but you let him tell it anyway.
“Hey! You ready to go?” Spencer appears beside your makeup vanities.
You look surprised, “Are we supposed to be doing something together that I’m not aware of?”
“No, I’m giving you a ride home.”
You roll your eyes, starting to walk away, “Since when?”
“Since you don’t have a car and I’m heading that way anyway.”
“There’s no way you’re going to the store again. Three times in one week, Spence?”
He clears his throat, “No, no… I’m meeting someone.”
“Who?”
“Um… a guy – Shayne.”
You reach the office door and hold it open for him. “Okay, why didn’t you just say Shayne to begin with?”
He shrugs his shoulders, hands in his denim pockets. “I don’t know. It’s a secret.” You give him a deadpanned stare. “Fine, we’re going to the strip club. I was nervous to say anything. Shut up.”
You start to cackle, “There’s no way you’d go to a strip club with Shayne. Both of you would die of embarrassment before fully walking through the door. What kind of lie is that?”
He listens to you laugh, relieved that you’re walking towards his car as you do so. He holds open the passenger door and makes sure the temperature is just right for you.
It was just something best friends did.
Sometimes he would notice little things. Notice the way you wince whenever someone is moving towards you – whenever an arm or hand is in motion by your face.
He notices the little bruises that you try to cover up. A red mark on your cheekbone. More black eyes. Purple splotches on your arms. Little yellow and green spots on your neck.
And he aches for you.
He aches while a fire broils in his gut.
And he tries to patch it by making you laugh and smile. He tries to have you hang out that night. He attempts to sound convincing when he suggests you stay overnight. It’s too late. It’d be easier to stay. He had pancake mix and bacon for breakfast.
But you always decide to go back to that apartment.
And while he makes you his personal mission, the rest of the Smosh office goes along with the banter because they were excited that their introverted, closeted comedian had found someone. Someone he connected with and enjoyed spending time with.
They watch as he bombards you with fun facts and silly explanations about things you both like.
They watch as he fights for excuses to visit you in the art department, being scolded frequently by the crew for distracting you.
They watch as he lets everyone else go home while he waits for you because he wanted to walk with you.
He wants to spend every possible second with you.
It was just something best friends did.
He endures the second hand talk you provide from girls night. Your words recalling Angela’s unfortunate date with a techie; the details of how Courtney and Shayne were planning a second honeymoon; the recounter of Amanda pushing you to take Aaron out for drinks – possibly spark whatever was dwindling between you two.
Spencer would grimace and say, “You don’t even like getting drinks.”
“That’s what I said,” you smile, fingers working overtime on the switch controller.
He would regret continuing the conversation, “Did you go through with it?”
“Yeah, I mean… I knew he’d enjoy it. Came home drunker than usual.” You focus on the tv screen, elbows resting on your knees as you hold the controller. “Tried to have sex with me but passed out before he could get his pants off.”
Spencer’s character immediately dies, “Oh.”
“Yeah, I wouldn’t say it was the most romantic date I’ve been on. Then again… I was kind of relieved.”
He listens to the gossip even though it was torturous to his heart. Because…
It was just something best friends did.
One day, Spencer was helping edit another video for Games. He watches as Chanse tries to maintain a character, “On the other side of the shirt is… still more shirt.”
Shayne looks immensely confused.
But in the background you can hear hysterical laughter. Your laughter.
It makes Spencer smile as he readjusts his headphones and turns the volume up. He listens to your laugh on repeat as he edits some subtitles stating ((Y/N) laughing).
Arasha continues with a Russian accent, “What?”
“On the other side of shirt is still more shirt,” Chanse tries again.
Shayne attempts to help him out, “Tailor lingo.” He side eyes behind the camera and starts to chuckle at the sheer amount of giggles that you are unable to contain. “God damn, (Y/N). That joke landed for literally nobody else.”
“Hey!” Chanse flusters.
You shout out, “That’s what makes it funnier!”
Spencer is so lost hearing your voice as he edits that he jumps when a hand grabs his shoulder. You’re standing behind him, laughing just like you were in the video.
“Locked in there, are you?”
He rips the headphones off, “God, yeah, um… no I’m impervious to being startled. I was just trying to make you feel scary.”
“Right, there’s nothing I want more in life than to be perceived as scary,” you snicker, “You’re needed on set to record some ads.”
“Ah, yes,” Spencer saves his work and starts to walk with you. “The Game of Thrones app.”
“About to be Jon Snow in the flesh,” you bump shoulders with him. “Are you ready for me to make you hot?”
He starts to blink a worrisome amount. “I’m sorry, what?”
“Jon Snow,” you say with your hands in the air, drawing an invisible diagram. “Equals hot and sexy. You are about to be the most attractive you’ve ever been.” You send Spencer to change into his costume while you set up the makeup vanity.
He returns all in black, looking very in character with his usual straight face while he thinks. You have to suck in your lips to keep them from smiling too wide.
You hold up a large fur cloak, “Milord.”
He chuckles, turning around and ducking to give you height. You lay the cloak around his shoulders and turn him toward you, straightening the fur on his frame.
“It makes you look a lot broader.”
“What do you mean?” He starts to puff out his chest. “I’ve always been this big.”
You shake your head, grinning, “Sit in the chair, big boy.”
He bites his tongue, clearing his throat. He becomes incredibly still as you lean over to inspect his complexion.
His eyes might be big and imploring, but the rest of his face gives nothing away. He’s as cool as a cucumber.
You certainly think so. “Got a lot on your mind?” You run a fine-toothed comb through his hair to create a middle part.
He shivers at the touch. “No. Why?”
“You seem a little stony all of the sudden. Like you’re already playing the character,” you say with a smile.
Spencer licks his lips – like he always does when he thinks. “I can assure you, dear madam, that I am no character. I am Jon Snow, protector of the Wall and a proud member of the Night’s Watch.”
“Quite the title,” you say with a laugh. You’re running your hands through his hair, flattening it on either side of his face. He starts to look more like the character.
And he starts to lose focus.
His eyes are trained on you.
His pulse quickens.
His fists clench.
~~~
It had been nearly a year since you started at Smosh. And in all that time, you had become very close to many members of the team. But without a shadow of a doubt, Spencer was the one coworker you had gotten the closest too.
You knew it was dangerous. He already suspected the awful secrets going on in your apartment.
But you didn’t have the heart to tell him.
That would make it too real.
And every time he dropped you off at your apartment, he would say the all too familiar, “Call me if you need anything, okay?”
And you would always respond with, “Yeah, okay.”
But have you ever called him? No. Even when you needed something? Not even then.
That is… until tonight.
You storm out of your apartment, door swinging on its hinges. Well past midnight, the roads were dark and lit with the yellow glow of graffitied streetlamps.
You’re not sure how bad the damage was, but your tongue inspects a split in your lip that tastes metallic and coppery. A headache pulsates above your ear, where your hair feels matted. The spot where he pulled you away.
The air has a slight nighttime chill to it, but nothing unbearable. It didn’t matter. There was no way you’d go back to the apartment to get a coat.
You look down at the socks on your feet.
You wouldn’t go back for shoes either.
Laughter startles you in the distance and you jump to the curb. Looking around like a wild cat, you’re unable to see the merrymakers.
Probably some adolescents having too much fun in the late hour. Quite unlike yourself. You shouldn’t be alone, you think. Without a car and without shoes, you probably shouldn’t be alone.
You reach for the phone in your back pocket. When the screen lights up, you momentarily see the redness beneath your eyes. You quickly try to rub the tears away, dialing the one number you knew you could trust.
But you hesitate.
You see the contact name, “Glasses.” A picture of Spencer wearing a purple party hat on the set of Eat It or Yeet It as his contact picture.
Would he even be awake this late at night?
You decide to find out.
Phone to your ear, you sniffle, free arm wrapping around yourself. The ugly yellow light of a streetlamp directly above you. Unwanted moths and mosquitoes flit and flail beneath the bulb.
“Hello?” his groggy voice says.
“Um… hey Spencer,” you say in as level a tone as you can muster.
There’s a pause where he then sounds very much more alert. “Hey, (Y/N). What’s up? Are you okay?”
You take a second to collect yourself. New tears threaten to swim your vision. “Uh, yeah – I’m fine.”
“(Y/N)?”
“Are you open to meeting me at the skate park down by where I live?”
He must be afraid by the way his voice changes an octave. “Y-Yeah, definitely. Is everything all right?”
You hear shuffling like he’s moving around a lot. Probably getting out of bed.
“I’m sorry,” you sniff again. “I woke you up.”
“No, no – it’s fine. I’m on my way. I’ll be like ten minutes tops.”
You swallow thickly, past the tears. “Okay. Thank you.” And you hang up the phone, sliding it back into your pocket.
You continue to hold yourself, walking towards the skate park down the street. Toward where those kids were laughing and making a ruckus. Maybe they had booze to share.
A sick giggle escapes you, thick with sadness. You wipe your lip, trying to dispel any remnants of blood. Shaky fingers go through your hair to flatten the evidence of a couples dispute. Lifting your arms sent a sharp pain across your side. More places to bruise.
The park isn’t too far ahead, and you can hear the distant laughter of those kids. Behind a tree, you spot them running through the water jets that usually turn off by sunset.
They probably found a way to hijack the system. The power box was probably in plain sight. Maybe one of them volunteered with the city.
The group sees you and starts to whisper profanities at each other. They stumble away from the water feature, wet footprints trailing behind them as they run off.
Loneliness hits you in a different way.
Walking to the jets of water, you stand right on the edge. You watch as they take turns skyrocketing into the air in different patterns and formations. It would be the perfect activity for a hot summer day.
You think painfully of a time when your family went to a water park like this.
Your little arms stuck in a froggy green floatie; bare toes stepping on the jets to see if you were powerful enough to stop the water from coming.
Your hand reaches out and the tips of your fingers make contact with the stream of water. It was cold. It made you feel. Feel something different.
You take a step forward and a rush of water goes up your pant leg. Another soaks the side of your shirt. And another climbs up your back and falls on the top of your head.
It was wet and cold. And something other than sad.
“(Y/N)?” A voice calls from behind you.
You don’t move as Spencer jogs the rest of the way toward you.
“What are you doing? It’s freezing out here!”
You turn your head and see him out of breath. He must’ve jogged from where he was parked.
His hair was adorably wild and curly. He must’ve just rolled out of bed to meet you here.
His eyes roam your face and something sad befalls him.
You don’t like it.
With a quick hand, you splash a stream of water onto him.
“Woah, what the…” he tries to dodge another, but his shirt gets soaked. “What are you doing?”
A smile graces your features – but it doesn’t reach your eyes. “Dance with me.”
He looks flabbergasted, hands out as he shakes the water from his sleeves, “You can’t be serious.”
“Come here, Spencer,” you grab the cuff of his sleeve and yank him into the water jets.
Something high and funny escapes him as the cold water tickles his skin. You giggle, taking the lead to jump around and kick at the streams of water. You ignore the pain that shoots through your ribs. The annoying ache along your jaw.
Spencer watches you for a second, letting the water soak into his clothes.
You’re dancing and weaving through the jets, wet hair heavy and clinging to the sides of your face. Spencer has to readjust his glasses as they slide down the bridge of his nose. But he follows your lead.
With quick ninja hands, he slices through the water, using a side kick just to see if you would laugh.
You do, copying him in attacking the water like they were magical octopus arms. The pair of you make sound effects as you flail about, getting thoroughly drenched.
Finally, you grab onto Spencer’s arm, laughing breathlessly. He does the same, facing you with dark ringlets resting against his forehead.
Breathing hurts you.
His glasses are covered in water droplets.
“It’s a wonder you can see at all,” you mumble, reaching to remove his glasses. He catches the wince you make.
He blinks as the glasses float away in your hands, water making his eyelashes stick together. You think he looks rather sweet.
“Well, I have no chance now,” he says, looking down at you, squinting to make your features clearer.
You’re so close to him it was making odd things happen to his chest. You put the glasses on yourself, “There – now we’re both blind.”
You take his hand and try to spin yourself. He catches on, helping you fly beneath his arm. Water flies from your body as you whip around.
A laugh, or maybe a wheeze, escapes you as you fall into him, his hands falling to your sides. You look at him, unable to make out his expression with the water streaked glasses you wear.
But if you could see him… you’d know that he was terrified. He was holding you. Your hands were on his shoulders. Your faces were so close.
His eyes flit down your face. He looks at your lips. The water droplets making them shine. The split in the corner that he noticed earlier. His head starts to tilt.
He leans in closer. His mouth opens a little to fit perfectly around your own.
And sadly your cheek brushes against his as you pull him into a hug.
Your arms wrap around him, unable to see the look of disbelief on his face.
What the hell just happened?
Was he in disbelief that you avoided a kiss or that he tried to get one in the first place? Could you even notice what he was trying to do with your vision obscured?
“Thanks for meeting me out here.”
Apparently you didn’t notice.
“No problem.” He returns the hug fiercely, trying to be satisfied with just this.
You grit your teeth as pain burns where his arms grip around you. “I hope I didn’t just ruin your night.”
“You could never,” he says, “I’m just glad you called.”
You pull away, unable to bear the pain in your side. “We should probably get out of the water.”
He feels like smacking his head to make his thoughts a little clearer. “Um… yeah, sure.”
With light hands, you return the glasses to his face, pushing them up the bridge of his nose. He starts to smile as you come into focus.
You turn and lead the way to the parking lot, unaware that Spencer was still rooted to the spot. He’s not sure what to do. He wipes the water running down his face. He watches you leave the water feature, arms hugging your torso as if that would bring about some warmth.
He looks down at his own sodden clothes, unable to act on his instinct: to give you the flannel he’s wearing over his pajama shirt.
He should probably get out from under the spray of the water jets.
Spencer jogs toward you, following the wet footsteps you leave behind. He realizes that he can see the outline of your toes in those footprints. He looks for your feet and calls out.
“Did you mean to come out here without shoes?”
You sniff, rubbing away water that tickles your nose. “I sort of left in a hurry.”
He sees you shiver, wet hair stringy against your back. The nighttime chill was getting colder.
“Are you…” he clears his throat, the sight of your busted lip at the forefront of his mind. “Are you wanting to go back to your apartment?”
You stop walking at the edge of the parking lot, toes on the curb. You look up at the moon, focusing on the pretty yellow tinge it gives with the reflection of the sun. It was much more appealing than the yellow streetlamps.
You knew your answer immediately but contemplate how best to give it. Giving up, you whisper, “No.”
Spencer stands beside you, watching you look at the moon. “Well, you can’t wander the streets all weekend.” It was lighthearted and brought a tired smile to your face. That warms his heart. “Would you come back to my place? Finally have that sleepover we always talk about.”
You turn to him with heavy lids and pink cheeks. “I don’t have any dry clothes.”
“That’s okay, I do.”
“I don’t have my toothbrush.”
Spencer makes a funny face, “I have a CVS down my street – definitely a supplier of toothbrushes.”
Your chest starts to swell with gratitude even as you shiver with oncoming frostbite. “I don’t have shoes.”
“I have slippers.” That makes you snort a little and Spencer beams.
“Yeah, but I don’t have a hairbrush…”
“Oh my god, I have a hairbrush! I will brush your fucking hair for you, for Christ’s sake. Let’s just get into my car,” he says with a laugh falling out of his mouth. “I’m freezing my ball off.”
You screw up your lips as you try to hide a similar smile. “Only if you’re sure that…”
“Let’s go,” he’s already jogging for the passenger side of his car, keys in hand. “Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go.”
You tiptoe across the parking lot, giggling at his jumpy little steps as he waits by the door. You slide in, running your hands through your hair while Spencer climbs into the other side. He starts the engine and turns the heat on high, pressing the button to turn the seat warmers on.
As per usual, you cower into the nook between the seat and door. Your arms wrap around your damp shirt. It’s an instant battle to ignore the anxiety plaguing your stomach. You truly hated driving.
Spencer turns mild background music on and drives to the nearby CVS. He struggles with keeping his eyes on the road.
Your cheeks and nose are still so pink, whether by the cold or emotion, he wasn’t sure. But it was clear the redness beneath your eyes was from recent tears and the raw split in your lip doesn’t help.
He so desperately wants to hold your hand while he drives. But the social anxiety takes over.
“You can wait out here and warm up,” he says, parking the car. “I’ll leave the engine running. I’ll be in and out.”
You thank him, making sure the car was locked as he leaves. You attempt to take a deep breath, opening the visor to look in the tiny mirror behind it. Your ribs protest to your breathing and moving.
You touch the sensitive skin around your lip. The bleeding had stopped, but the cut was wide and ruby red. Something aches lower on your jaw, and you hope it doesn’t bruise.
You’re grateful Spencer wasn’t interrogating you on the situation. If anything, he’s been incredibly kind and patient. Instincts tell you that Spencer should be quick to emotion and demand answers.
But he doesn’t.
He returns to the car with a full shopping bag with travel sized products. A toothbrush and toothpaste, a little facewash and moisturizer, a small bottle of antibiotic ointment, a hairbrush and some of your favorite treats.
Spencer continues the drive, asking if you’re getting warmer. He pulls into his apartment complex and whisks around the car to be by your side as you get out.
You’re still holding yourself as you climb the stairs. Spencer stands just a step behind you, his hand hovering at the small of your back.
Inside, you immediately pull off the soggy socks making your feet prune. The damp clothes are still giving you grief, locking in a chill within your skin. Your hair feels stringy and uncomfortable.
Spencer notices this and is quick to offer solutions. “How about you change into some dry clothes, and I’ll make a bed on the couch?”
You nod in reply, walking toward the bathroom while Spencer gets the supplies. He returns with a pair of sweatpants and a rock band t-shirt. He puts them on the bathroom counter along with the CVS bag.
“I’ll just uh… be in the living room,” he says quietly, a little unnerved with the absence of your voice.
It’s hard to look at him as you offer a polite smile and shut the door.
You’re quick to change into the clean clothes, hanging your damp ones over the shower curtain to dry. You have to roll the sweats so they didn’t drag on the floor, and you love how the shirt hangs lanky on your frame.
They have the same seaside clean smell with the hint of some kind of spice – it reminds you of Spencer.
You brush your teeth and wash your face, careful to clean the cut to your lip.
But upon further inspection, you realize that the antibiotic ointment and hairbrush were nowhere to be seen. You step out of the bathroom to ask for their whereabouts, only to find Spencer sitting on the couch with the hairbrush in hand and waiting for you expectantly.
The couch was laid with a wrinkled pair of sheets, an extra pillow, and an old blanket probably from Target.
“I was wondering where that went,” you say quietly.
Spencer holds up the hairbrush, “Oh, I wasn’t joking about brushing your hair.” He gestures to the spot on the floor between his legs.
You feel something swell in your chest. How could he make it so easy to want to smile? So easy to want to laugh?
You take a few steps forward, “I am perfectly capable of brushing my own hair.”
“I know you are,” he waits with raised brows. “You are a very capable person.”
You wait for him to offer the brush to you. When he doesn’t, you say, “Then let me have the brush.”
“I said you were capable, not that I would retract my offer.”
“It’s a little silly to brush your best friends hair, right?”
He shrugs his shoulders, “You’ve had a rough night. I think it’s a little kind to brush your best friends hair when they’ve had a lot on their plate. Let me help you.”
You contemplate for a few seconds until he gestures to the ground with a hilarious expression on his face. It actually pulls a giggle from you.
You slowly sit on the rug and scoot back until you can lean against the couch. On either side of you are Spencer’s legs adorning a new set of dry pajama pants. You keep your hands in your lap to refrain from accidentally touching him.
He gently uses one hand to section your hair and softly brushes the ends first before moving up. It was immensely tangled from the riotous festivities with the water jets, and he was careful not to snag the strands too much.
Your head moves with the brush, shoulders rubbing against his legs as he works. From the corner of your vision, you see his free hand giving you the remote.
Without a word you turn on the tv and find an old Scooby-Doo series to watch.
Spencer works through your hair as gently as he can, not wishing to cause you any more anguish tonight. Even after the knots are all smooth, he runs the brush through the hair of your scalp, scratching your head there and hopefully helping to soothe you.
It feels tender and warm and content. There’s no need to talk or make jokes. There’s just you and him.
He rests the hairbrush on the side table and picks up the antibiotic ointment. He puts a small amount on his finger and taps the top of your head.
You hum your reply, leaning your head back until it’s in his lap. You see him tilt his head down to see your face.
He smiles warmly, “This’ll help your lip.” And he slowly moves his hand to hold the side of your face, giving his finger stability in rubbing the cut.
You stare at him. Dark curls hanging off his forehead as he focuses on your mouth. He’s encompassing you – surrounding you. His fingers are on your lips. He’s warm to the touch. He smells like a citrusy seaside.
Your heart starts to hammer against your ribs.
He notices the panic growing in your gaze. He immediately retreats – leaning away and taking his hands off you.
“I’m sorry, are you okay?”
You crawl away, standing by the television set. “Um… yeah – yeah, I’m fine.” You put a hand to your head, “I just feel a little… a little warm.”
Spencer stands and considers you.
Your complexion is a little pale. The redness in your eyes has subsided, but you do look flushed. Spence wants to feel your forehead.
“Do you have a fever?”
You swallow, “I don’t know. I think I just need some sleep.”
“Sure,” he says, still watching your movements. He doesn’t like how quickly you got away from him. “Um… the bed is in here.”
You stand still as he goes to reveal his bedroom.
“Okay…” you say strangely, walking towards the readymade couch.
Spencer retorts, “Uh, yeah no. That’s my spot for the night.”
“Funny because I thought this was your apartment and therefore that is your bed.”
“No, I’m sleeping on the couch,” he says, folding his arms.
You snicker, “Strange that you sleep on the couch when you have a perfectly good bed over there.”
“I’m not fighting with you on this,” he says firmly. “You’re taking the bed tonight.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Sure you can.”
You screw up your lips, trying to look as defiant as possible. “Guests are supposed to crash on the couch, Spence.”
“Who said that was the rule?”
“Common sense.”
“Well, in the Agnew household, the lady gets to take the bed while the dude gets the couch.”
You start to turn down the covers on the couch, fluffing the pillow. Spencer speeds to your side and takes the pillow away.
“Do you ever get tired of rejecting chivalry?”
“There’s not usually chivalry to be had,” you try to get the pillow, and Spencer holds it up in the air.
He frowns, “Then what the hell have I been doing since we met?”
“You’ve been giving me exposure therapy,” you giggle, still trying to reach the pillow. “I’m not used to it yet.” You grimace at the sharpness of pain in your left side. You cease your reaching of the pillow immediately.
“I guess I have to prove it to you,” he says in a huff, throwing the pillow back on the couch and inspecting your pained movements with his wide, searching eyes. “Until you believe that you are worthy of being treated with chivalry and respect.”
You pout, defeated in getting the pillow. He looks at you squarely in the face and says:
“If you don’t let me sleep on this couch, I’m not going to sleep at all.”
“You’re really going to take this to some worrying levels, aren’t you?”
He shrugs his shoulders, “You… you deserve a good nights rest. You need to heal and feel better. You need to feel safe.”
Your brows furrow. Why did that strike a deep chord in your heart? Something beats loudly in your ears.
“You’ll be safe and comfortable in bed, and I’ll sleep out here just in case.”
“Just in case…?” your eyes are suddenly big and sad.
Spencer looks a little drawn. “Just in case he comes looking for you.”
Your nose burns, signaling that tears were not far behind. You swallow hard and shake your head, unable to look at him anymore. “He won’t come looking for me. He’s too drunk to make it past the front door.”
Spence looks terrified as you begin to speak with honesty. He’s never heard you so candid about your boyfriend before. Not about this.
He licks his lips, unsure of how to proceed. “Why did he do it?”
Your lip quivers, fingers twitching at your sides. “He found out… that instead of me being with him the other night… I chose to hang out with you. He was angry. He accused me of cheating. He was calling me… awful things.”
Spencer clenches his jaw, wanting nothing more than to hold you and protect you from that kind of treatment.
“And maybe I deserved it because I should’ve spent the night with my boyfriend. I left him alone to wonder where I was. I was unfair and unkind. I deserved to…”
Spencer removes the space between you two to hold your face in his hands. You’re startled by the gesture, eyes widening as he implores you to listen.
“You do not deserve to be treated like that. You do not deserve to be hit because his feelings were hurt. You do not deserve to be spoken to like that.” Beneath his hands, your skin feels hot. Maybe you were coming down with something.
Dancing barefoot in cold water when you were already feeling poorly was going to bring you the flu.
Your eyes swim with unshed tears. And in reply, you bow your head to reach his shoulder and clutch him in a hug. Spencer returns it gently, noting your side.
“I’m such an idiot,” you say against his shoulder. “I can’t believe I’ve convinced myself that this was okay.”
Spencer holds you to him, “You are not an idiot. It was a mistake, that’s all. And we can fix mistakes.” He rubs his hand up and down your back. “We don’t have to do anything tonight. You need some sleep. We’ll talk about it more in the morning.”
He waits for you to release him, giving you as much of him as you want.
Limply, you slide away, sniffling and avoiding his eyes. You turn and walk towards his bedroom. Spencer stands there, fingers clenching at his sides, watching you shuffle away.
At the door, you close it just enough to show your face. You’re pink when you whisper, “Thank you,” finally looking at him.
His throat bobs. “Yeah,” he says hoarsely.
And when the door shuts, he stands there for another five minutes. He tries to comprehend your confession.
In a moment of weakness, you had been completely open about the goings-on in your apartment. Would you now leave Aaron? Would you regret the words in the morning?
He’s fretful as he climbs under the wrinkled sheets on the couch.
~~~
In the morning you’re awoken by an awful pounding in your head. A rawness scratches down your throat. The back of your neck is slick with sweat even as your arms shiver with goosebumps.
There’s a tenderness to the bust in your lip and some spots to the side of your face. The hope that nothing would bruise after last night quickly vanishes.
Shaky fingers lightly press along your jaw, and you find something sensitive near your chin. There’s another spot by your cheekbone and where your hair was yanked.
You don’t dare lift your left arm; it already hurt to breathe without aggravating your torso more. You were not a stranger to pain like this. You would have to face it sooner or later when you’d inevitably need to use the bathroom.
There wasn’t a digital clock on the nightstand so you gingerly tap a finger on your phone. The screen lights up to reveal “12:38pm” and a background of Aaron holding you close and kissing your temple.
Something sick and vile churns in your stomach, daring to rise into your throat.
He looks so kind without the lines of anger hardening his face. Without the curses spitting from his tongue. Without his hands curled into tight balls.
Even in this screen saver you can see the hint of something purple just under your collar.
In notification bubbles below, you can see an increasingly high number of missed calls and text messages.
You turn and stare at the ceiling, finding that tears had already developed in the outside corners of your eyes. Aaron would be so furious you weren’t home. You left him all alone in his hour of need. He was fighting demons with alcohol and didn’t know how to tell you he loved you.
A weight put a stop to your churning stomach. It sat heavy on your torso.
You should go check on him.
“No, you shouldn’t.” Something incredulous says within your mind.
You feel a dammed tear break free and fall sideways toward your ear. But he might be hurt.
“You are hurt.” The same voice replies quickly.
Aaron didn’t mean it. It’s just what happened when he got sad.
“When he got drunk, you mean.”
People do stupid things when they’re drunk. He still loves you.
“You don’t treat the people you love like that.” It was Spencer’s voice of reason you were hearing in your mind. His intense words of comfort return to you from the night before. “You do not deserve to be treated like that.”
The dam of tears breaks in your other eye. It was hard to control your breathing so it didn’t press against your sore ribs.
He’s sorry for doing it. He always apologizes.
“Only when he thinks you’ll leave him.” You never told Spencer that, but it was still his voice that spoke sense to you.
It was strange, you thought. Usually, your voice of reason is the gentle voice of your mother. It had grown quiet the last many months. You were forgetting what she sounded like.
The lump growing in your throat was helping the scratchiness. Your eyes flicker to the door and notice something peculiar. Shadows were peeking from beneath the door. Someone was standing just beyond it.
Then they walk away. They come back. Back and forth.
They pause at the door again and the wood creaks. Maybe he was pressing a hand to it as he leaned in to listen for your breathing – a sign you were awake.
Spencer.
You sniffle as a laugh tries to escape the bubble in your throat. It sounds like a soft cry. And suddenly the itchy tracks falling from either side of your face flow like salty rivers. It hurts to breathe, to cry.
“(Y/N)?” you hear from behind the door. “Can I come in?”
Your hands fist the blankets, trying to control the painful aches becoming much more apparent with each rib cracking breath.
The shadows fidget and sway as they wait beneath the door. “(Y/N)? Are you okay?” Spencer has one hand on the door handle and his forehead resting against the white wood grain before him. “I’m going to come in, alright?”
The handle turns and you avoid his face. Aaron never liked to see you cry.
Spencer walks over gingerly, but you can see his urgency in the way his arms lay stiff at his sides, and his fingers were restless against his palms.
Aaron would say suck it up. Stop crying. Get over yourself. His life is hard and you don’t see him blubbering, do you?
In a second, Spencer is kneeling at your bedside, hands resting on top of the mattress but not daring to use them. His index finger and thumb just pinch the other fingers to keep them still. “It’s okay.”
You frown, still avoiding his gaze.
He takes the time to look at all your visible injuries. “I know it probably hurts.” He has to pinch his fingers harder to keep them from acting without his permission. “Maybe we should go to the ER.”
“No,” you say hoarsely, but firmly.
Spencer swallows hard, anger rising in him at the swelling and discoloration that had taken up the left side of your face. “Your ribs still hurt? Some of them might be broken.”
You wince at another breath, “I’ll be okay.”
“Don’t they need to take a scan or something to make sure your lungs are okay?”
“I don’t want to,” you say quietly. “I... I shouldn’t have called you. I’ve probably ruined your whole weekend.” You start to inch your way into a sitting position, choosing to look away from the hurt in Spencer’s face.
He goes to touch your rising arm, and you flinch away.
He hesitates. He puts his hand back down. “I’m glad you called me. I want you to be here.”
You concentrate on what movement brought the least amount of pain as you sit stony on the mattress. “I didn’t want to drag you into this.” You finally look at his face and see something warm and imploring in the way he looked at you. “Look... I’ve made you sad.”
He blinks a few times; a quiver in his cheek tells you he’s trying to be quick witted in how he changes his demeanor. “No, you’ve made me feel... happy.” His face goes placid at thinking he’s said the wrong thing, “Maybe not happy, but... grateful. That you chose to call me last night.”
You sigh, looking at him with a surge of endearment.
He still looks fearful he might have messed up. “You don’t have to feel regret over that.”
While having his voice of reason speak to your nonsensical thoughts in your mind, it was much nicer to hear them aloud. “I’m fighting the urge to go back and apologize.”
Something steely hardens Spencer’s eyes for a fraction of a second. He looks like he’s going to say something angry. You’ve never felt fear around Spencer, but you didn’t like the flicker of anxiety that tickles your ribs.
Spencer does something that you’re not used to. He swallows the angry retort and instead takes a deep breath. “I don’t think you should do that. He doesn’t deserve the air you breathe around him.”
Your lips finally quirk upwards in the corners. One of your hands going to wipe away the salty tracks from your face. You’re soft with the tenderness to the left side of your face. “How bad is it?” you ask.
Spencer takes a moment to consider you, like he’s really looking at you. “Just a scratch.”
Your neck creaks when it turns to him, eyes searching for what you knew were the signs of a joke. “Like I said, I don’t need the ER.”
His little quip backfired, “I would rather play it safe and have you checked out. You... your face looks tenderized, (Y/N). Your ribs have got to be just as painful, if not more.”
You start to pull back the covers, and Spencer quickly gets to his feet. “I should probably get up,” you say. “I have to go back eventually.”
Spencer splutters, “I made some, uh – brunch for us. You could stay and eat something. I’ve got something frozen we... we could put against your eye. A-And it is the weekend, and we – we don’t have work.” He watches how you manage to pull the blankets off and start to swing your legs to hang over the side of the bed. “You can stay... you – you should stay. I w-want you to stay.”
Hands keeping you steady against the mattress, you now look at the rambling boy in front of you. He’s still wearing pajamas from last night. He never came into his room to change. You look down and see the rock band t-shirt and the sweats he let you borrow.
“I’ve asked too much of you,” you say as you attempt to stand without aggravating your already screaming ribs. “I don’t want to overstay my welcome.”
Spencer looks to be on the edge of being frantic. An edge comes into his voice like when you two were bickering about sleeping arrangements the night before. “I’m telling you, (Y/N), that I want you to be here. I don’t want you to go. You need to rest and I... I want to help.”
You stand crookedly to find the position that hurts the least. “You have helped, Spence. I don’t want to put any more of this on you. I was... I was in a bad place last night. And you came.” You look at him with a heart full of warmth. “Thank you for coming when I called.”
“Always,” he says instantly. “I will always come when you call.”
Something in your heart tells you that he means that. And a small inkling within your heart believes him.
“But I should get back and try to calm the situation. He’ll be worried about where I am.” You walk forward and Spencer, being so afraid of making you feel uncomfortable, steps aside as an unfathomable feeling builds in his veins. You want to go back to Aaron?
What about your little confession last night? You were ashamed to be convinced it was okay to be beaten by the guy.
He hears the bathroom door close and he retreats to the kitchen. There are chocolate chip pancakes warming on a skillet and he has a Lego set sitting on the living room coffee table, a favorite drink of yours resting beside the box. He has a cloth and painkillers on the counter, to alleviate the aches and pains with a frozen bag and medicine. He even has your old clothes from last night in the dryer. His morning started with treating a couple blood spots around the neckline of the shirt.
Why the hell did you want to go back to Aaron? He hears the sink turn on in the bathroom.
Aaron was a piece of shit that somehow manipulated his way into your heart. You were so isolated and abused by this man that you still wanted to go back after breaking bones. Spencer thought any sane person would avoid that at all costs. At least call the cops and get a restraining order. But what did he know about the cycle of abuse.
He tried to talk to Courtney and Shayne about it a couple of times. He trusted them and knew they had similar suspicions like everyone else at Smosh. How could he convince you that Aaron was an abuser and you were caught in his web. How could he tell you without making you feel small and like an idiot – the word you used just last night to describe the situation.
He had texted them earlier that morning to give them heads up that he wouldn’t make it to movie night. You needed him and they were very understanding. No doubt they would be worried about you while they shot pickups at Smosh that day.
You were in denial.
“Hey Spence, where are my clothes?” You were back from the bathroom and noticed the warming pancakes. “Oh, Spencer...”
“They’re in the dryer,” he says quietly, still plagued with the complexities of his thoughts. “You should stay at least until they’re dry. We can eat while we wait.” He goes over to the freezer to grab a frozen bag while you round the kitchen counter, with a soft smile on your bruised face.
Your dad used to make Saturday pancakes.
It was hard to look in the mirror and see a mass of blue and purple. But it was nothing some makeup couldn’t hide. You were quite good at that. As you hold the spatula to slide a pancake onto a waiting plate, Spencer appeared beside you with a frozen bag of vegetables wrapped in a thin cloth.
“Here, hold this to your face. I have some painkillers by your drink in the living room.” He was cautious to trade the spatula for the ice pack, not wanting to touch you if that still made you flinch.
You hold the bag and whisper a ‘thank you’ to him before shuffling towards the couch. Spencer is delighted you finally did something without a retort. He stacks a couple of pancakes onto a plate and covers them in butter and warm buttermilk syrup. He offers them to you and opts to take a seat on the floor beside you, still not wishing to make you uncomfortable.
Your eyes flicker from the Lego set to the back of Spencer’s head as he takes the remote to find something easy to watch in the background.
“How long will the clothes be?” you ask.
Spencer was glad his face was hidden from you. He didn’t like stretching the truth to you. “Maybe a little less than an hour.”
You nod, “Well, maybe we could do Legos until they’re ready.”
“I’d like that,” Spencer says, leaning into the couch with a soft smile.
~~~
Somehow an hour turned into a few more. You were pleasantly distracted by Spencer and the sitcom playing in the background. Your phone of many notifications was still hiding in his bedroom.
It was warm and comfortable and... safe there with Spencer. It was easy. There wasn’t a general air of disdain that put worry in your stomach. Spencer was kind. He was quiet and observant and gentle with you.
That surge of endearment grew within you.
That was until something began pounding on the door.
You jump on the couch as you and Spencer turn to the door. “What in the...?” Spencer begins, but another few knocks pound into his door.
“(Y/N)!”
Something cold turns your insides into lead. “Oh no...” you whisper. You look down and see you’re still in Spencer’s pajamas. “Oh no.” You say louder as you run into the bedroom to grab your phone.
Spencer stands with a mixture of apprehension and fury building inside him. He was not a violent person. He wasn’t even an angry person. But something burned in his chest and made his fingers clench.
He walked to the door to see it visibly bounce against the fist of the shit stain that was on the other side.
Expression calm, Spencer opens the door a couple inches, “Yes.”
A larger man stands before him; shoulders tense and a wrathful look in his face.
“Where is she?” he says lowly.
“Who?” Spencer plays stupidly.
Aaron clenches his jaw, “Are you mocking me?”
He had to be a couple inches taller than Spencer. “I’m calling you rude. You show up like this and think I should be respectful? Ask me a proper question.”
You appear behind him, “It’s okay, Spencer. Just ignore it.”
Aaron immediately shoves open the door with a hand, “I knew it. You think you can...” he spots what you’re wearing. “Holy shit. You’ve been caught right in the fucking act.” He laughs a curt, cold laugh. “You’re not even trying to hide it. I knew you were up to something.” He jabs a finger at your cowered frame. “And this just fucking proves it. Proves what a cheating bitch you are.”
You’re folding in on yourself; your voice the quietest Spencer had ever heard it. “Aaron, baby – it's not what it looks like.”
“The fuck it isn’t!” he says louder. “You run away and don’t answer your phone. What was I supposed to think? I had to drive to that fucking playhouse you call work to find out where you were. You have a fucking location on your phone for a reason. You think you can make some fuck-ass move like turning it off so I wouldn’t know you’re cheating on me?”
He takes a step closer to you and Spencer cuts in front of him. “You need to leave.”
“The hell I do!” Aaron yells, “I’m here to take back what’s mine.”
“It’s okay, Spencer. Just let it go.” You lay a hand on Spencer’s shoulder to nudge him away. “I’ll go with him.”
“She doesn’t have to go with you,” Spencer says firmly. He was starting to visibly shake.
Aaron stared at him with such malice. “You enjoy fucking my girlfriend? You like being with that lying bitch?”
“He didn’t mean it, baby,” you wriggle your way between the two. Your hands are on Aaron’s chest. “Let’s go. I’ll go with you.” Your voice is timid as you plead with him placatingly, “Please, I’m sorry baby. I’m sorry – I know you’ve been worried...”
“Shut up,” he says, grabbing harshly at your wrist, leashing you to him. “I want to hear what the little man has to say.”
Spencer was not prone to anger. But a fury like nothing he had experienced before was making his arms tremble. “Big talk calling me little when you have to resort to hitting your girlfriend to make her stay with you.”
You turn to flash a surprised look at Spencer.
Aaron looks ready to explode. “Who the fuck do you think you are?”
The fear that Spencer would be hurt swells inside you. “Everyone is upset, Aaron. We should leave and cool off. See? I’m going with you, just like you want. We can go home. I’ll go with you back home.”
Aaron takes another step forward, one hand keeping a bruising hold on your arm and the other ready to strike. “You think we should leave before I teach this dick a lesson?”
“No, don’t, please,” you say. It breaks Spencer’s heart. “I’ll go with you. You can talk to me. Teach me the lesson.”
Spencer did not like the sound of that. “Leave her alone.”
“What did you say?” Aaron asks.
“I don’t have patience for fucking bullies like you. You don’t deserve an ounce of the care she’s showing you. How fucking dare you lay a fucking finger on her.”
You start to get frantic, “He doesn’t mean it, Aaron. He’s upset just like you. Let’s go and...”
Aaron growls, “I won’t be babied by you!” He throws you behind him, forcing you to smack into the wall beside the door. He turns to Spencer, “I won’t be talked to by some bitch boy who steals another man's girl.”
“She called me, Aaron,” Spencer says to his face. “She called me. And I didn’t have to hit her or shout profanities at her to make her do that. How does that make your fragile ego feel?”
In an instant, Aaron’s fist collided with Spencer’s face, sending him reeling.
“No!” you shriek, taking hold of Aaron’s clenched fist. “No, not to him. Don’t touch him, please. I’ll do whatever you want. You can do it to me. Don’t hurt him, please. Let’s go – let's just go. I want to go with you, baby. Let’s go.” You start to pull on his hand through the open front door, “We can do whatever you want. Whatever you want.”
Aaron allows you to tug him through the door, breathing heavy and flexing the fingers he used as a fist.
Spencer regains his footing and follows you out the door. His face stung but it was nothing compared to the fury in him. He pulls out his phone and dials 911. He tells the dispatcher an assault happened at his home and gave the address.
“You calling the cops now?” Aaron attempts to mock him. “Can’t handle this like a man?”
You freeze on the steps. Spencer was actually calling the police?
“What, you can’t handle the consequences of your actions like a man either?” Spencer retorts, “A womanizer who beats others down to feed their own insecurity? Face it like the so-called man you are, Aaron. Get your shit together and have some self-respect.” A small voice on the phone was trying to give Spencer directions on how to handle the situation.
Aaron was bristling again, “I oughta beat the shit out of you.”
“I fucking dare you,” Spencer says, waving his phone in the air between them. “Gives more evidence.”
“What kind of man doesn’t fight back?” Aaron says, walking towards Spencer again. “You enjoy being beat?”
You try to intervene again. “Let’s all walk away before anyone else gets hurt. Back off for a second,” you look over your shoulder to see the red mark on Spencer’s cheek before addressing Aaron fully.
“God, woman,” Aaron exasperates. “How many times do I have to tell you to shut the hell up when I’m fucking talking?” His arm swings out to force you out of the way. A small cry escapes you as Spencer steps forward to pull you to him and out of the way of Aaron’s hand.
“Sorry,” he mutters with his free hand pushing you behind him. But now that he has a hand on you, he didn’t want to let you go. He wanted to feel you safe and shielded behind him.
You sigh in a sad way, leaning your forehead into his back as he keeps one arm wrapped behind himself and around your waist. Maybe your sigh was a slight sigh of relief. Spencer inches the pair of you backwards toward the house as he relays what just happened into the phone for the dispatcher.
“You son of bitch,” Aaron steps forward to match your retreating figures. “I wasn’t going to hit her. Just smack her around a bit. She got in the line of fire; it’s her own damn fault!”
The police were about two minutes out, the dispatcher says.
“You’re going to stay right there,” Spencer says, still guiding you and himself back towards the house. “You’re going to stay right fucking there.”
“You don’t talk to me like that.” Aaron says, completely over it now.
You hear that snap in his voice. The moment before he really did something awful. Your fingers dig into Spencer’s shoulders, bunching the fabric of his shirt. His hand tightens around you, keeping you pressed into him as he shields you.
“I’ll talk to an abuser however the fuck I want,” Spencer retorts. “You do not have my respect.”
“Like you know the meaning of the word,” Aaron says in his low, menacing tone. He advances the pair of you, hands reaching for the front of Spencer’s shirt.
With an almighty heave, Spencer is thrown to the pavement, phone skittering out of his hand and scraping away on the cement. You shriek as your shield is torn from you.
Aaron straddles Spencer and picks him up by the collar of his shirt, “I beat the shit out of that girl and I like her. Imagine what I would do to you.” And he cocks his fist into the air as you run over, screaming in a way that had Spencer’s heart at attention.
“No, don’t! Stop!” You wrap your hands around Aaron’s arm and pull, but with the momentum of his swig, you’re knocked off balance.
He wails a few punches into Spencer’s face. Spence’s glasses fly off his nose. You crawl to Aaron’s back and start pounding on him. Anything – anything – to distract him or get him to stop. You felt so weak against him.
Spencer finally gathers his wits enough to thrust his knee up into Aaron. There are police sirens blaring in the distance.
Aaron keels over and rolls onto his side. During the momentary weakness, Spencer gains the advantage and straddles Aaron. He gets a fistful of Aaron’s shirt and starts to land punches to the coward's face.
It was fury Spencer had never felt before. He had never felt so angry and feral in his life. He just knew he wanted to incapacitate this man before he could lay another finger on you. He wanted him down, and to stay down.
You’re shocked to see that kind of violence come from Spencer. Your sweet and gentle Spencer. Your hands are over your mouth for a few seconds as the police are right around the corner.
Aaron regains control as his hands fly to Spencer’s throat, choking him and throwing him to the side. He growls like a wounded dog, rising to his knees and crawling to Spencer.
You run at him and try to push him over to no avail. You aim a hard kick to his stomach, but he sees it coming. He catches your ankle reflexively and yanks your feet out from under you. You fall onto your back and smack your head into the pavement.
Your already broken ribs pop around like loose change in your chest, but you can’t cry out with the air knocked from your lungs.
But in another instant, uniformed men and women swarm the trio. Two men pull Aaron off of Spencer and drag him to the curb. A woman runs to you, yelling something about an ambulance in the walkie strapped to her vest.
“Hey there, sweetie,” she says, “Don’t move now, just stay still for a second.” She assesses the way your face is screwed up, trying to breathe.
Spencer is panting, getting to his feet shakily and attempting to reach your side without his glasses. He falls to his knees beside you, “(Y/N)?”
Your eyes burn from the pains of your injuries. “I’m sorry,” you whisper.
The officer woman looks hurt. She could see your past bruising along with the fresh ones. She had her assumptions about what was going on, and it put a painful grimace on her face. “You’ll be all right, (Y/N).” She said your name with kindness, “An ambulance is on the way to get you some more help.”
Spencer was slouched beside you, ignoring the ruckus of profanities and swinging limbs that was Aaron being arrested. “I’m sorry,” he says, “For opening the door before calling the police.”
You raise your hand to find him. He takes your hand and does something he’s never done before. He raises your hand to his mouth and kisses your fingers. Once. Twice. He holds them tightly and rests his chin there as he looks at you blearily.
“I didn’t want you to get hurt,” you say quietly.
“I know,” he says. “But I didn’t want you to get hurt even more.”
You swallow hard, “How did we get into this mess?”
Spencer laughs. It’s thick with emotion. “Well, I think it started when I fell for you.”
The pain in your chest is numbed by something new.
“During those late nights at that gas station.” He doesn’t look at you, just reminices as he looks at your hand between his. “I just took too long. I was too afraid to say anything.”
You wrap your fingers around one of his hands. “You... for that long?”
“Anyone at work could tell you. I wouldn’t shut up about you.”
“Why didn’t you say anything when we became friends?” you ask quietly. The officer had stood up to give you two some space.
“I thought it would be enough... just being friends with you.” He starts to rub his thumb up and down your hand. “I’d rather be friends with you than not have you in my life at all. I was just too late.”
You swallow, waiting for him to look at you. “It’s not too late.”
His blue-gray eyes find you, if not a little unfocused.
like truly despise them. i do not trust them. i don’t want to be friends with them. i don’t want to talk to them. this doesn’t extend to trans people, don’t get me wrong. i am by no means a terf. i don’t believe that women are genetically superior to men because that feels like some type of eugenics territory that i don’t want to get involved with.
but god, i hate men.
i call out misogynistic behavior in men, i’m labeled an ugly fat bitch. cool. yeah no. that’s totally what i want to hear instead of accountability.
i call out homophobic behavior in men, i’m labeled and ugly fat dyke. even better!
i call out men as a whole for engaging in microaggressions towards women, and i’m a fatherless woman who hates men because i have daddy issues and got cheated on probably.
men are so fucking absorbed in themselves that they think women hate men because of daddy issues and cheating???? holy FUCK i wish it stopped there!
i wish my dad had just left me! without the trying to convince me that my moms rape was actually consensual. or without using racist slurs talking about the fetus he convinced my mom to abort.
i wish my biggest problem was an ex cheating on me and not another ex raping me! or when my friends boyfriend groped me while i slept in the same bed as her.
i wish that my partners best friend didn’t ask my partner to ‘correct my behavior’ because i didn’t respond in a way he liked when he complimented my hair. i wish that he didnt intentionally criticize everything i created, and praise the things men made. i wish my hard work was valued without bias.
i WISH i could just go to therapy and la ti da my way through life forgiving men who DONT DESERVE IT.
why are women expected to me the emotionally mature and forgiving ones? my rapist died 2 years after he did that to me and i still feel no justice. i’m still angry. and i have to watch men make excuses for him and men like him.
it is all men when your friends are abusers and rapists. it is all men when your friends date 18 and 19 year olds in their mid-late twenties. it is all men when you excuse the abhorrent behavior of men because a woman was a little too abrasive. it is all men when you use bitch as a way to call women mean and men feminine. it is all men when they let their misogyny loose when it’s a bad person. it is ALL MEN unless you put in the work which 99% won’t.
Warnings: slow burn, friends to lovers, Spencer pining, reader is struggling in LA, not a lot of money, poor studio apartment, abusive boyfriend, physical/verbal abuse, lots of musical theatre talk
Request: This just came from my own head 😊
A/N: Thank you for all the love 🥰 I've really needed to get this story out of my system
Part 1: The Kickstart
Part 2: Mama Bear {You Are Here}
The next few months have been a whirlwind.
You grow accustomed to the inner workings of Smosh. You have become an integral part of the team. Many turn to you for help and advice – always eager to do what you can.
Though sets make you camera shy and rooms with more than your closest friends make you quiet, everyone knows who you are.
Your famously large fanny pack, full of essentials, becomes the new ‘mama bear bag,’ as it is lovingly called by the cast and crew. You somehow always have exactly what everyone needs, almost like you can sense their need of help before they do.
On the set of Reddit stories, you walk in with your setting powder, ready to pat away any shiny spots on the cast. You stand behind Brennan at the camera, quietly observing. They were still setting up lights and sound.
You watch as Shayne unknowingly has a food stain on his face. Angela is having a bad hair day, unable to keep her hair out of her eyes. Chanse beside her has discovered a cut on his finger from opening cardboard packages that morning.
Without a word, you walk onto the set, opening your mama bear bag. You hand Shayne a wet wipe and gesture to the stain on his chin. You give some bobby pins to Angela, helping her make crisscrosses above her ears to hold back her hair. And you grab Chanse’s hand, carefully wrapping his cut with a band aid.
On your way out you crumble the band aid wrapper and take Shayne’s wet wipe.
“And yet again, we’ve been humbled by the mama bear bag,” Shayne chortles. “I swear I don’t know how we survived without (Y/N) all these years.”
“She might be the most observant person I know,” Chanse says, getting comfortable on the couch.
You stand back, waving them off as the cameras start to roll.
The trio get into the Reddit stories, laughing about the ridiculousness of the posts. The audacity of some of the writers has you giggling in the back. Angela is rioting on the couch, flinging herself around with laughs.
At one point she falls to the ground, smacking Chanse on the leg. When she gets back up, the bobby pins in her hair are off centered and no longer pinned in place.
She starts to wail as a bit. “(Y/N)! I ruined my hair.”
Shayne starts laughing heartily, holding onto the iPad, “Quick, everybody freeze. (Y/N) is coming to the rescue.”
Everyone giggles as you move onto the set, refraining from showing your face. You’d ask the editors to cut you out of the shot later.
~~~
Over on the Games set, you help a coworker behind the camera who has a headache. You pull a little organized container of medicine from your bag.
A few members of the cast were playing another round of Moose Master and Amanda was complaining about her dry hands.
You put your medicine pack away and extract a bottle of coconut milk lotion. You walk to the edge of the set and wiggle it in the air for Amanda to see.
She lights up, “Oh, yes please! Thank you, (Y/N).”
You toss the bottle and watch Amanda catch it.
“I will forever be impressed with how much that bag holds,” Angela shakes her head.
“The mama bear bag,” Courtney giggles.
Amanda tosses the bottle back at you, “Thanks, honey!”
“We love our mama bear (Y/N),” Arasha smiles.
~~~
On the set of SmoshCast, you walk in during an active shoot with Amanda, Shayne, and Spencer. In an act of retaliation, Amanda had jokingly texted you for drinks and snacks. Spencer was doing another one of his bits where he brings a crazy number of drinks on the podcast.
Completely disregarding his own rule to not have drinks and snacks while filming.
Shayne spots you and immediately starts wheezing, covering his face with both hands. Amanda is wide eyed and stunned.
“You actually brought stuff!”
Spencer is in the middle subtly shaking his head and looking at you with such warmth.
You bring a container of delicious looking fruit danishes, serving them on little platters. Then you reveal actual teacups that you generously pour a honeyed tea into.
“Holy shit – you brought a whole spread,” Amanda continues, narrating into the microphone for those that aren’t watching on video. “(Y/N) has brought actual porcelain teacups and cream cheese danishes.”
Shayne is still occupied with his wheezing, tears now developing in his eyes. “Like we’re on the set of fucking Bridgerton.”
You smile, “Now you can properly spill the tea.” You know your voice will be muffled on the podcast without a microphone, and you awkwardly shuffle away to keep your face off camera.
“I’ve just had the most brilliant idea,” Amanda says, taking a sip of her tea and devolving into an English accent.
“And what is that, good sir?” Spencer asks, eyes still lingering on you.
“Gentleman’s episode of Smosh Mouth,” Amanda continues, “Where we delve into the explicit details of our illegal mines and mistresses.”
Spencer chokes on a laugh, “That is quite astonishing.” He gives you a wink and you smile.
~~~
The latest Smosh Games idea was to have a Gentleman’s video playing Ultimate Werewolf. At one point, the other gentlemen gained up on Spencer and pretended to beat him up because he was the werewolf.
It was a hilarious bit and Alex, being the director, cuts the video and asks for you to do some special effects makeup on Spencer while the others have a lunch break.
You lead Spencer to the makeup vanity outside the set rooms.
“Please have a seat, Mr. Agnew.” You turn the chair towards him and grab the clothing protector apron.
Spencer places his fake cigar onto the vanity and continues his English accent. “Thank you, young chap. I say – I should very much like for you to deliver a most formidable contusion to my eye.”
You giggle, wrapping the apron over his front, like a hairdresser. It protects his costume from getting makeup on it.
“I shall deliver the most fearsome blow to your face – using my delicate brushes.” You remove his top hat while he laughs.
“Powerful brushes, I say.”
You pull out some stage makeup and a stippling sponge. With Spencer’s hands confined to beneath the apron, you lightly take away his glasses and place them on the vanity.
Spencer watches you with a warm gaze. As you near his face, he tries to look straight ahead instead of directly at you.
“I’m thinking a bruised cheek that grows into a black eye. And maybe some fake blood around your nose. I could do a busted lip too?”
He shrugs his shoulders, “Whatever makes me the ugliest.”
You smile, grabbing the yellow cream makeup. With your free hand, you push his hair away from his temple.
He closes his eyes at your touch.
You begin with a thin layer of yellow, then start to stipple purple and blue on top.
“Amanda is upset that we still have not had a hangout since you taking Angela to see my musical.”
He smiles, refraining from opening his eyes. Seeing you so close to his face would send his heart into overdrive.
“I’m still surprised that Angela wanted to come in the first place. She’s the one making jokes about how hanging out with coworkers is embarrassing.”
You use a maroon color to show a split in the middle of the bruise. “I was just thinking… maybe we should do something tonight. Can you look up for me?”
Spencer opens his eyes and looks toward the ceiling. You use the sponge and your fingertips to blotch color around his eye and cheek.
You smell like a flower garden. His pulse quickens. His throat bobs.
“We can celebrate another successful filming week,” you continue, oblivious to his visceral reaction to your presence.
“Y-Yeah,” he chokes out. “We can play games at my house and maybe watch a movie?”
You continue to blend out the cream makeup. “Awesome! I think Amanda, Shayne, and Courtney are down.”
You miss how his face dips a little when you mention other people.
“What about Aaron?” he asks.
You grab a different brush and start working on his lip, laying a base of concealer and dark colors.
He was finding it hard to take a full breath.
“I don’t think I’ll invite him,” you say quietly.
Spencer is unable to talk with you painting his lip. But his eyes snap to your focused ones. Was everything okay?
“He’ll be fine,” you continue, just as quietly. “I just… want to hang out with my friends.”
There’s something strange and suspicious about your tone of voice. Spencer starts to scrunch his brow, trying to figure you out.
You notice the worry in his expression. “It’s fine. I just… want to be out of the apartment.”
That doesn’t help his nerves.
You’re now applying a small amount of latex to make a visible wound on his lip. Letting it dry, you look at Spencer’s eyes to see him asking you a question with his eyebrows.
“Don’t worry,” you start to color the latex, “It’ll be fun.”
Spencer tries to say something, “Is there… ow!”
You smack his shoulder, “You’ll ruin your lip.” Your face seems a little sullen, but you give a small smile.
He slouches in the chair and gives you a penetrating look.
Back on the Smosh Games set, Alex continues to direct and you can already picture the cut scene in the video where Spencer is getting beat up to him now sitting in his chair with a messed up face.
It’s making you giggle as the other gentlemen comment on the bruising.
“I say, look at that ghastly contusion to your eye,” Shayne shouts.
Amanda flails her cigar around, “I do declare, it rather suits your complexion.”
Spencer readjusts his top hat, “I must profess, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I simply have some tenderness to my face.”
You laugh off stage – knowing that the editors would most likely put subtitles that said ((Y/N) laughing).
~~~
After the last shoot, you’re cleaning up the makeup vanities and grabbing some remover for Spencer. Your enormous fanny pack is strapped across your chest, almost all coworkers out of the building already.
The sets door flies open and causes you to jump.
Amanda and Spencer are there chatting away but pause when seeing you scared.
“Woah, you okay?” Amanda asks with a smile. “Sorry, we didn’t mean to startle you.”
Spencer looks really rough with his face still full of bruise makeup. But his eyes consider you quietly.
You wave them off, “I’m just a little jumpy. Here Spence.” You offer the makeup remover and a little bottle to take the latex off.
“I have to say, you are amazing at that, (Y/N),” Amanda says, leading the group toward the front doors. “Spencer literally looks like he’s been mauled by a bunch of gentlemen.”
“Man, I should have done a bite mark,” you laugh, “Mauled by a bunch of gentlemen.”
Amanda laughs again, “Gentleman Angela would 100% gnaw on your arm for accusing her as a werewolf.”
Spencer starts to laugh at that mental image, rubbing his face with the remover and a cotton pad. “Feral gentleman game would be so funny.”
“Because the irony is that we are gentlemen that are shitty people. Then we can take it a step further by being gentlemen that are shitty people with rabies.”
You snort, “I guess we have a new video pitch for the next meeting.”
“So, um…” Spencer opens the door, “I can give you a ride and we can all meet at my place?”
Amanda agrees, saying how Shayne and Courtney were planning on that anyway. You smile at him, causing strange things to fly around in his stomach.
“Is it weird of me to say I’m excited to see what your apartment looks like?”
He laughs, “Curiosity did kill the cat.”
“I can’t believe you just confessed to taking me to your place to kill me.”
“Not before I show you my katana,” Spencer smiles, opening the passenger door for you.
You laugh, “The murder weapon.”
Driving towards his apartment, Spencer is being hyperaware of how you’re acting. He was still suspicious of your motives for wanting to spend the night out. He notices you cowering into the car door.
He’s never noticed that before.
“Are you okay?”
You take a shaky breath, “Yeah, I’m fine. I don’t like driving much.”
“Is… is that why you take the bus? Did you choose not to have a car?” He keeps moving his eyes from the road to you.
You try to straighten out, “No, I can drive if I have to. I just don’t like to.” You hold onto your purse to give your hands something to do. “What should we play at your place?”
Spencer tries to let your explanation settle, but he’s still curious about your disklike of cars. “We could play Super Smash Bros.”
“Or Super Mario Party?”
He smiles, “Not before some pizza.”
The drive to his apartment is full of pleasantries, Shayne and Courtney already parked and holding boxes of pizza and breadsticks. Amanda is just helping them carry a box when you get out.
“Happy weekend!” you say cheerily. “Ready for some food and games?”
Amanda puts one arm around your shoulders, “I’m excited to get to know you more.”
“Yes!” Courtney adds, following Spencer to the door. “You’ve been at Smosh for a few months, and I still feel like we don’t know much about you.”
“Well, I’m… I wouldn’t say I enjoy talking about myself much,” you laugh awkwardly.
Amanda snickers, “Clearly.”
They walk inside the little apartment and are immediately welcomed by the mewling of a gray cat. You are obsessed.
“Aw!” you fall to your knees, “Hello, sweet girl.” You offer a hand and wait for the cat to sniff your fingers. “What’s your name, gorgeous?”
The little gray cat lifts her nose to the air before rubbing her face against your hand. You begin to melt.
Shayne starts laughing, startling the cat. “I think we know why (Y/N) wanted to hang out.”
“That’s Cleo,” Spencer says sweetly, putting his keys down and going to grab some drinks.
Courtney puts their share of the pizza boxes on a small dining table before joining you on the ground. “She is the prettiest little lady.”
Amanda helps to set out some paper plates and napkins before starting to serve. Shayne grabs himself and Courtney some slices before sitting on the couch in the living room. You stay with Cleo the cat, completely content to sit with her for the rest of the night.
It’s not until you notice a pair of feet standing in front of you that you look up, Cleo in your lap. Spencer stands there with an ice cold Diet Coke from the fridge.
You smile, taking the drink, “I didn’t know you were a Diet Coke fan.”
“I’m not,” he says.
Your smile falters for a second before a warm feeling swells in your chest. Cleo hops from your lap and Spencer offers a hand to you.
You take it, standing with ease. The others are already chatting and eating their pizza in the living room.
“Do you have any pets, (Y/N)?” Amanda asks.
You sit down beside her, Spencer quick to sit on your other side. “No, I couldn’t afford one,” you laugh awkwardly. “I don’t really have the space for one either.”
“Shame, it seems like you’re an animal person,” Amanda continues.
You nod enthusiastically, “I love animals.”
Shayne reaches for one of the switch controllers, “Fancy a game, Chosen?” he speaks in a silly lisp accent.
Spencer chuckles, settling in beside you. “Of course, Chosen. The only acceptable opponent… is obviously myself.”
A strange anime laugh comes from Shayne, and you smile. You’re rubbing shoulders with Spencer every time he moves his arm with the controller.
“Finally, girl talk,” Courtney says sarcastically. “(Y/N), how long have you lived here?”
“For about two years,” you say shortly. You don’t elaborate and you can feel the sudden shift of an awkward pause after you speak.
Amanda gives a laugh to fill the space, “What made you want to move here?”
“Probably the same reason many others do…” you say quietly, taking a sip from your soda to buy you time. “I wanted to live somewhere that might support my creative side. LA has a lot of creative and performing arts.”
Courtney agrees, putting an arm over the couch and behind Shayne. “Right, you’re a bit of a theatre nerd.”
“More than a bit,” Spencer butts in.
You nudge your shoulder into him. “I do love theatre.”
“I’m glad you’ve continued working with it to some capacity,” Amanda says. “I’ve been doing improv troops and sketches for years. The black box is my home.”
You smile, knowing that a black box was a dark room in a theatre where actors can improv something out of nothing. Sometimes people perform shows there, utilizing the empty space to be more creative.
“Are you a part of an improv group right now?” you ask, glad to steer the conversation off yourself.
“I’m a part of the Groundlings Improv Theatre and I keep doing performances at UCB as a Maude performer.”
You find that Spencer’s arm isn’t so much bumping into you as fully pressed against yours now. “What’s a Maude performer?”
Amanda perks up, “It’s someone that’s a part of UCB’s sketch comedy group. You have to audition annually and then help write for and perform sketches.”
“That sounds like a lot of fun,” you remark. “What about you Courtney?”
“I’ve found my way into being a main writer and a director on the Smosh channel. That’s where I’ve found my most creativity. I’ve helped with some FX makeup on some music videos, and I’ve made an online apparel rental subscription service. It’s called Courtney’s Rack,” they giggle for a second, “And it’s inspired by my own style.”
“You guys are so cool,” you say warmly. “Way to follow your passions.”
Amanda waves you off, “You too, girl. You’ve worked your way into a sketch group.”
You nod, but don’t elaborate. Instead you feel a chill – you shiver. “Are you guys excited about our next karaoke livestream?” You miss the way Spencer side eyes your shivers.
Courtney holds an invisible microphone, “Hell yeah! I think it’s time to get our Madonna on.”
“You haven’t seen how wild our karaoke streams go,” Amanda laughs, “Throw a bunch of attention seeking performers in front of the camera and all bets are off.”
Courtney shoves her, cackling, “Just calling all of us out.”
Spencer hits pause on the game and jumps from the couch. You watch him walk awkwardly around the ottoman and to the hall.
“Ha!” Shayne says in his silly voice. “The Chosen has realized that he can never beat himself. Therefore, I – the multiverse Chosen – have succeeded in defeating him.”
“We’re off set, Shayne,” Amanda rolls her eyes, “You can cut the act.”
Shayne combs his hair off his forehead, “Sorry, it’s just a part of me at this point.”
Spencer reappears with blankets. He tosses one toward the other couch with Shayne and Courtney. He lays the other over your lap and retakes his seat beside you.
You smile at him and whisper, “Thank you.” His arm presses against yours as firmly as before.
“Welcome.”
“Are you planning on making a guest appearance, (Y/N)?”
You hum your confusion. “Hm? Me do karaoke on the stream? I don’t think so.”
“Why not! We invite crew on it all the time,” Amanda says cheerfully.
You shake your head, sipping your soda. “I couldn’t – not in front of all those people.”
“I bet you have a lovely singing voice,” Courtney smiles, “All those musicals you’ve been in.”
“Once upon a time…” you say quietly, “Maybe.”
“Well,” Amanda says warmly, “Maybe it’s time to try it again.”
You feel an ache enter your chest. It quells the ever constant anxiety roiling in your stomach.
Shayne cries his defeat, “Curses! Bested by the best.”
Spencer nods his head in acknowledgement, “Would the ladies like to participate?”
“I’m ready for a movie,” Amanda says, putting her pizza plate down. “I’m feeling something epic.”
“Like Interstellar,” Spencer says, putting his controller down.
Courtney sighs, “Like 13 Going On 30.”
Shayne starts laughing, leaning back and putting a hand on Courtney’s leg. “All right let’s compromise. Let’s watch Megamind.”
“I second that,” you say, “Or a Marvel movie.”
“Let’s watch Avengers,” Courtney says.
You all agree, Spencer flipping through his smart tv to get a streaming service. His arm against yours is full of warmth. You gravitate towards it, leaning into him more.
Cleo the cat pads over and jumps onto the couch between you and Amanda.
“Hello, sweetie,” Amanda coos. But Cleo turns her eyes onto you. She blinks slowly and crawls onto your blanketed lap.
You’re very pleased with yourself, petting her fur as she settles. Spencer looks at you, eyes moving from your contented face to the cat. He suddenly has to hold his hands in his lap to keep them from wrapping around you.
The movie begins with everyone settling in. Cleo the cat purrs in your lap, snuggling into a little ball. You pet her, subconsciously leaning into Spencer.
The longer the movie plays, Shayne and Amanda cracking jokes about certain parts, you feel sleepy.
Cleo is fully asleep in your lap, stretching her cute little paws.
Your body slumps more into the couch and into the side you’re leaning into – right into Spencer. He tries to keep his cool as your head falls closer and closer to his shoulder. He tries to ignore the looks the friends are giving you two.
He tries to keep his eyes on the tv screen, his hands being tightly held in his lap.
You fall asleep on his shoulder.
His heart beats faster.
The movie ends with the end credit scene and the friends begin to excuse themselves.
“We’ll just leave you to it,” Amanda says in a teasing tone. “Don’t stay up too late.”
“Remember to breathe,” Courtney snickers, getting her shoes on.
Shayne salutes him at the door, “Good luck, dude.”
You begin to stir as they shuffle out the door. Cleo turns onto her back, still asleep. Spencer turns his head to watch you wake.
He traces the outline of your face with his eyes. It’s soft and careful and warm.
His arm pleads to be moved around your shoulders. Hold you to him. Urge you back to sleep.
“God, I’m sorry,” you mumble sweetly. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
“That’s okay,” he says just as quietly. “You must’ve needed it.”
You stretch, lifting your chin from his shoulder. He hates the rush of cold that it leaves against him.
“Thanks for letting me drool on your shirt.”
“I will never wash this shirt again.”
You giggle in a groggy way, eyes heavy. “That’s disgusting.”
“How dare you say that about your drool. Nothing about you is disgusting.”
You sit straighter, running your hand down Cleo once more. She begins to purr again in her sleep.
“She likes you a lot,” Spencer says quietly. “She latched onto you real quick.”
“I’m an animal whisperer,” you say, rubbing at your eyes. You still hadn’t noticed how enraptured Spencer was with you beside him.
He finds it hard to swallow – the dim light, quiet room, and comfy couch all tempting him.
“Are – Are you ready to go home?”
You heave a heavy sigh. “I guess.”
“You guess?” he asks playfully. “You frozen in place with Cleo in your lap?”
“Partially,” you hum. “I have to get home sooner or later.”
Spencer feels that itch that something is wrong. The same feeling he had when you asked to hang out. “Is… everything okay?”
“Fine,” you say sleepily.
“(Y/N),” he asks slowly, “Why did you want to be out of your apartment tonight?”
There’s a silence that speaks volumes. Your face falls in a way that scares Spencer. He turns his body to see you better – his arm falls onto the back of the couch.
“(Y/N)?”
You clear your throat. “I just wanted a break from Aaron. That’s all.”
“Why?”
You pat Cleo’s head, waking her up. She sits and stretches her back on your legs before hopping off. “Sometimes your partner frustrates you and you need to walk away, right?”
“Depends on what’s frustrating you,” Spencer says, watching you stand and fold the blanket.
“I don’t know, Spencer. He… I shouldn’t complain. He’s helping with the bills.”
Spencer stands with you, “But that doesn’t mean you have to deal with whatever’s bothering you.”
“It does when it puts food on the table and a roof over my head.”
“But you did that before him.” He follows you to the door to drive you home.
Walking outside in the cold, you start to get upset. “You don’t understand.”
“Maybe I don’t. You have a new job that pays those bills, (Y/N). There shouldn’t be anything tying you to him like that.”
“I… I don’t like talking about this, Spencer.”
Now in the car, you drive down the street with momentary silence. Spencer feels anger brewing in his stomach. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to butt into your relationship.”
“It’s okay,” you say quietly, arms around yourself. “My friends are entitled to their opinions.”
“But not when I make you upset like this,” he says. “I’m just worried.”
You look at him with sad eyes. “Why?”
He flexes his fingers against the steering wheel. “I just… you’re my friend, (Y/N). Of course I worry about you. I care about your wellbeing.” There’s a pause where he feels a joke bubbling out of him. “And not just because I need you on set for my job to function properly.”
You smile and it relieves him.
“Thanks, Spence.”
The car parks outside your shabby apartment and Spencer stares at the chipped door with slight disdain.
“I’ll see you next week,” you say, opening the car door.
“Hey,” Spencer says suddenly, drawing your attention.
You bow down to see him still inside the car, “Yeah?”
“Call me if you need anything,” he says firmly. “Okay?”
You look at the seriousness in his face and start to nod a little bit. “Okay.”
~~~
The next week begins with a new round of meetings and writing. You are not needed until characters are decided for sketches, but you help the other art coordinator Alex to organize a few other set items.
You’re able to come in later than usual to do this.
You get off the bus and begin your walk toward the Smosh office. Your hair is down and slightly obscuring your vision. You try not to touch the makeup on your face too much.
“Good morning, Selina,” you say in your same sweet tone.
Selina waves at you, “Good morning to you too.”
You walk past the lunch tables and toward the art department by the costume and props storage. You wave at Erin and Josh before sitting at your desk.
Cassie fills you in on a few projects that the writing room is working on. You begin by cataloging what you’ll need to set on costume racks for the next filming week. You give a list of makeup and hair care refills to be ordered.
It’s into the afternoon when you head toward sets to organize racks and vanities for the coming week.
“(Y/N)!”
You turn toward the hallway of pods where the cast and crew work on the media side of things. Tommy and Spencer are heading towards you.
“Have you seen some of the new videos that’ve posted?” Tommy asks.
You ruffle the sides of your hair, making sure they lay to hide some of your face. “No, I don’t really look at the views and things like you guys.”
Spencer has a big smile on his face, “Well, the comments on the last few have been pretty good.”
“Meaning?” you say, walking into the empty sets to reach the costume racks. You don’t want to give them enough time to look at your face.
“Meaning that the fans have started to notice how often we talk about you on set.”
You turn sharply on your heel, Tommy and Spencer running into each other. “I’m sorry?”
“Look at some of these comments,” Tommy says, holding an iPad to your face. You grab it and begin to scroll, seeing line after line that’s asking about you.
“Angela asking for mama (Y/N) to fix her hair is so funny!”
“Does anybody know who (Y/N) is?”
“Is (Y/N) a new member of the Smosh crew?”
“Face reveal for (Y/N) please!?! We want to see who you guys are talking about!”
“Amanda saying yes please and then a lotion bottle being launched at her head took me so off guard.”
“Mama bear bag is my new favorite character.”
“Video for what’s inside (Y/N)’s mama bear bag!”
“Ah! (Y/N) almost being revealed on Smosh Mouth!!”
“(Y/N) bringing a full English tea set is hilarious.”
“We love a supportive crew member trying to encourage spilling the tea.”
“I love hearing (Y/N) laugh off set.”
“Spencer’s gentleman is so feral. His true self comes out with that top hat.”
“Do you think (Y/N) was the one that did his makeup?”
“I swear I hear the cast mention (Y/N) every video now. How can they tease us?!”
You start to feel a tightening in your chest, your breath a little shallow. “All of these… people recognize my name?”
Tommy is still giddy with the comments, “Yeah! Isn’t that crazy? We might have to have you guest star just to tease them a little bit more.”
Spencer notices that you are a little tense. “But we don’t have to do that. We just wanted to show you the positive response from the audience.”
You nod, swallowing hard. “Thanks, but maybe we should hold off for a while longer.”
Tommy seems a little disappointed, but Spencer waves him away. He wants a moment with you alone. He watches you sort through some old costumes on the rack.
“I’m sorry, we didn’t mean for that to stress you out.”
“It was a little overwhelming is all,” you give a strained smile. “I’m sure I’ll get used to it.”
Spencer puts his hands in his denim jacket. “We’ll wait until you’re ready.” His brows scrunch when he notices something on your face.
“Got anything fun planned for Games this next week?”
He leans over to see your complexion better, starting to get in your way. “Um… we’re thinking about some guessing games and… and a Throw Throw Burrito…” His hand lifts from his pocket and you lean away.
“What are you doing?”
“What’s that on your face?” he asks.
You turn away sharply, “What do you mean?” You start walking towards the vanities on the outside of the sets.
Spencer is close on your heels. “There’s something by your eye.”
At a mirror, you open your giant fanny pack to find your makeup. Under the lights, you notice some smudging around your eye where pristine makeup had been before. Yellowing spots that still hold a hint of blue and purple.
“Oh dammit,” you mutter, pulling out your concealer. “I ran into a cabinet this weekend and got a black eye. I thought I could keep it painted to avoid any awkward questions.”
You smudge concealer and foundation under your eye. You can see Spencer behind you in the mirror.
“That looks like a nasty bump,” he says lowly.
“Yeah, it hurt a bit.” You say, feigning a smile. You can hear a hint of disbelief in his voice. “I’m fine, really. It’s just a little bruise.”
Spencer purses his lips and nods his head, “Sure.”
You pat the makeup down and walk back to the sets to grab the sorted costumes.
~~~
You walk through the office with a few little presents and gifts of food. Your fanny pack is full of essentials, your arms full of plastic bags and a large drink carrier in your hands. A ballpoint pen sticks awkwardly from behind your ear, and you mumble the checklist you made earlier that day.
In another writing and meeting week, you find other things to occupy your time when your usual responsibilities are completed. It keeps you busy.
And out of your apartment.
Sharply turning a corner, you tap on the glass door of the conference room. People at the table smiling and waving you in, you quietly slide open the door to enter. The look of concentration leaves your face to reveal a wide grin.
Ian pauses his presentation of a fresh project by waving at you and gazing excitedly at what you brought.
“Don’t mind me,” you whisper. The same thing you whisper every time you make one of these deliveries.
All the main cast were there, along with a few representatives of social media and the heads of production. They were going over ideas for the next livestream to raise money for a foundation.
But you were more focused on getting this little ‘side quest’ done. Side quest meaning it wasn’t on your usual list of responsibilities. You start to pass out drinks to their corresponding owners, doing so in such a fluid motion that no one doubted their cup was exactly what they ordered.
Next, you open the plastic bags digging into your arms to hand out sandwiches and salads. You normally pitch in a few extra dollars to buy a better lunch for your coworkers and friends. You can see a speculating eye from Anthony as he accepts his deluxe meal.
You put on your best smile and wave a hand. “Don’t worry about it.” And before you leave, you reach into your fanny pack to extract a small box of cookies. “For dessert,” you whisper with a wink.
And before anyone can protest the homemade treat, you run out of the room with a few more drinks and meals to pass out.
There was a smaller number of people in the office today as it was primarily a writing day. You go searching for the few editors that were still working on things.
You find Kiana and give her another box of homemade cookies, then you find Tim to give him a coffee.
This became another routine for you. Just like how you use your mama bear bag to help on set so much, you use this spare time to help all the editors and production teams. People at Smosh start to expect your little visits and gifts.
Many know you by name, by smile, and by gifts. They come to love the sight of you because it meant something sweet was on the way – whether it was a thoughtful treat or a thoughtful conversation.
You took this self-proclaimed occupation very seriously. You love caring for your coworkers and friends.
That didn’t mean you never got stressed.
Your steps are quick again as you make your way to other editing pods. That checklist in your head never seems to grow smaller:
Get Damien his coffee
Give cookie box to art department
Ask Angela and Amanda about seeing that play together
Give Spencer his drink
Give Tommy a hug and see how he’s doing
Make sure Spencer actually ate a lunch
Update portfolio with some special effects makeup
Ask Spencer if you were…
Someone suddenly crashes into you, sending the last few cups of coffee into the air and all over your shirt. You jump at the steaming hot liquid, pulling against the fabric of your shirt to keep it from your skin.
“Oh, shit! I’m sorry, (Y/N).”
You wince and look up to see Spencer’s sympathetic face. “It’s… it’s fine. I’ll just bump a few things on my list and go get changed and grab more coffee.”
He immediately knelt down to pick up the remains of the cups and carrier. One foam cup had an off-color soda dripping from it. “I’m guessing this one’s my kickstart? Serves me right not looking where I’m going.”
He gives you a smile, his eyes sloping in natural concern. His heart beats in an uneven way. You look so flustered and worried – making your cheeks turn pink.
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll just…” You hold your sticky shirt a few inches from your stomach, closing your eyes and thinking hard, “I’ll figure something out.”
Spencer sighs, “I just ruined your whole agenda, didn’t I?” He picks up your ballpoint pen and quietly slides it to behind your ear, “Please don’t stress out about it.”
“I’m not sure that’s possible,” you let out a nervous laugh. “I guess I could find a costume or merch shirt to wear.”
“You know I have one of my Smosh sweatshirts in my pod. You want to change into that? Get yourself out of brewing in your own shirt.”
When he laughs at his own joke, it makes you giggle. “Uh… actually, that’d be really nice.”
He leads the way toward his pod, “I know you’re not working on any art coordinating today.” He goes under his desk to extract a simple pastel colored hoodie. “So you know you could take a short day instead of making up errands to do.”
You grab the sweatshirt and head to the bathrooms, “Yeah, but then I’d be stuck at home.”
He follows you down the hall, “You make yourself intentionally busy to avoid being at home?”
“Precisely,” you say, opening the bathroom door. “I’d rather be with all you guys.”
Spencer waits patiently outside, smiling to himself and shaking his head. You think you’re so clever, but he knows there’s something going on in your apartment. Something that makes you afraid to stay there.
It only took one minute to change, but maybe two minutes to stare in the mirror and identify the smell that was undeniably Spencer. A clean laundry detergent smell, like the ocean, but with something spicy.
You walk out to see Spencer eyeing you.
“You look cute.”
Something tightens in your chest. “Thanks weirdo.”
His eyes notice something along your chin. “What happened here?” he points to a spot on your jaw.
“Oh, I’m not sure. Probably some clumsy accident,” you laugh off.
It looks like another bruise. Smaller than your eye. But a bruise nonetheless.
Spencer frowns, something protective and angry beating in his chest. “You seem to get a lot of those lately.”
You shrug your shoulders. “I gotta pass out these last lunches to Bailey and Brennan.”
~~~
After a long day of reorganizing, passing out homemade treats, and checking in on people – you are exhausted.
So when you walk out the front doors a little before everyone else and see the pouring rain… it doesn’t lift your exhaustion in the slightest.
Preparing yourself, you walk outside, lifting the hoodie that you borrowed from Spencer to cover your head.
The bus stop is just a couple blocks away, but you are soaked through by the time you sit on the bench. You wait with your hands in your sweatshirt pockets, hoping the bus will be there earlier than usual.
A coldness begins to drip down your back and you’re sure this will develop into an unwanted flu.
Shivering, you hardly notice when a car pulls over on the side of the road and directly in front of you.
It’s Spencer who jumps out, baseball cap on to shield his glasses from the rain. He runs around the car and crouches in front of you.
“What are you doing!?”
“Waiting for the bus like I do every day,” you say like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.
He’s not happy about it. “Even in the rain? Didn’t you think to ask somebody for a ride home?”
You pause for a second. “No, I didn’t.”
“Well,” he puts on a cheesy smile, “This is a prime time to start. I’ll give you a ride.”
“Really, Spencer – it’s okay. I’m fine with waiting.”
He straightens out and gives you a deadpanned stare. “Are you also fine with contracting pneumonia?”
You roll your eyes, and he knows he’s won. “All right, let’s go.”
He open the passenger door and you clamber in. You’re nearly chattering with cold by the time he sits down. He promptly turns on the heat.
“Why didn’t you call someone when you noticed it was raining?”
“Because I didn’t think of it.”
“Ms. Independent over here,” Spencer laughs.
You playfully punch his shoulder, “So what? I would have been perfectly fine on my own.”
He looks at you sincerely, “I know. I know you are capable of doing it on your own. But I still would like you to let me help you.”
You hold yourself, beginning to shiver. Though your head was protected by the hood, the strands of hair spilling out were soaked. It wasn’t helping that your clothes were all damp and now resting on your chilled skin.
Spencer feels a sympathetic ache settle into his chest. “Aaron couldn’t pick you up?”
You bite down to keep your teeth from chattering. Then you use your favorite word. “I didn’t want to inconvenience him.”
It makes the ache pulsate in Spencer’s chest. “Because you know he’d be upset by you asking?”
“It’s understandable when I ask so much of him.”
Wonderment befuddles Spencer. When have you ever been someone to ask too much? If anything you don’t ask for enough things. “I think if you love someone, you’d be willing to do pretty much anything for them.”
“There are different kinds of love,” you say in a soft voice.
Spencer doesn’t like it. It sounds afraid.
“You might be right about that,” he swallows, driving down your street. “Remember to call me if you need anything.”
You smile like you always do when he says that. It’s become a regular thing.
“Sure,” you get out of the car, “Get home safely, Spence.”
And he watches you walk inside and even a little bit after that. Unsure of how to interpret the ache still in his chest.
~~~
You sit at the vanities with Shayne, helping him look like a ghost for an upcoming sketch. You put in white hair color spray and attempt to tame it while he sits patiently.
“Hey, are you okay?” he asks sincerely.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” You say with an easy smile, “Are you okay?”
He returns your smile, “Yeah, you seem a little tired.”
Was it the circles under your eyes or the lack of color in your face? “I haven’t been sleeping well.”
“That sucks,” he winces, “Anything keeping you up?”
You feel vulnerable for a second, “Just taking care of my boyfriend.” You give an uneasy laugh, “He’s been having a lot of boys nights out drinking.”
Shayne furrows his brow, and you smack his shoulder as you try to smooth his ghost makeup.
“Sorry,” he mumbles, “Doesn’t sound very fun.”
You shake your head, “But then I get to come here and be with all of you!”
He contemplates your expression, seeing the smile you put on top of the stress. “Have you noticed the number of commenters asking about you?”
“Of course I have. Spencer loves to bring them up.”
“They love you already,” Shayne chuckles, “They love how you help on set, especially when you throw in a little joke with it. They love that you take care of us.”
You feel that anxiety of the audience always watching eating at you. But it starts to be smothered by another feeling of pride as you realize people are acknowledging you for your efforts.
“That’s kind of them. I’m just doing my job.”
“Above and beyond your job, more like it.” Shayne closes his eyes as you put makeup around them. “They’ve really adopted calling you mama bear because of your mama bear bag.”
That makes you chuckle, “You have to be prepared for anything.”
“I’m glad we got to hang out,” Shayne says, his eyes moving to follow you, but staying still while the makeup settles. “We should plan another one soon.”
“That’d be a lot of fun.”
“Spencer never hosts big hang outs,” he says with a little smirk. “I was surprised when he was so willing.”
You pat down the makeup with some setting powder. “Well, I think when I mentioned hanging out he thought it was just going to be us two. Then I told him I’d invited all you guys. He was kind of roped in by that point.”
“That explains it,” Shayne says with a sigh. “Of course he’d be more willing to host when it’s just you two.”
“Why do I have a feeling there’s something more to that?”
Shayne shrugs, letting you take off the black apron that protects his costume from the makeup. “I just mean that Spencer would rather have one on one hangouts than be a part of a big group. It’s the black cat in him.”
“The black cat,” you laugh. “I’ve never heard of someone being called that before.”
“You know… like how people call some dudes golden retriever guys?”
You raise your eyebrows, “Kind of like you?”
Shayne gives a funny look. “Sure. Spencer is a black cat kind of guy. Just watch, you’ll notice.”
“What do you think I am?” you ask, cleaning up the vanity. “Do I have cat energy?”
“Maybe a little,” Shayne says, considering you. “But you remind me more of a… sunflower.”
“Never heard that one before,” you say, walking with him to the Smosh set.
“It’s just… you're bright and pretty and fun,” he says casually, “Especially with your smile.” You pass some writers and producers on their way to help with lunch. The caterers must’ve been seen pulling in.
Spencer is among them with Alex Tran.
You walk right up to them, “Do I give off sunflower energy?”
He looks taken aback and Alex smiles instantaneously. “I’m sorry, what?”
“You know…” you point at Shayne, “Golden retriever energy,” you point at Spencer, “Black cat energy.” You then point at yourself, “Possible sunflower energy?”
“What a nice way to say you’re a grumpy old man sometimes,” Alex says hilariously.
Shayne starts to snort with laughter. Spencer gives them a glare but tries to answer you seriously.
“Um… y-yeah I would consider you a sunflower.” He watches you start to smile, “Especially right now. And the fact you smell like a garden all the time.”
Your eyes widen slightly as you look at him with confusion. “I smell like a garden?”
“Uh…” Spencer starts to splutter in his panic of possibly offending you. “You know, like flowers. You smell like flowers all the time. It’s just… something I’ve noticed.”
“From all the times you’ve been sniffing her?” Alex asks incredulously. That sends Shayne over the edge and the wheezing starts to come out.
You fold your arms, sucking in your lips to hide a smile.
“No, I didn’t say that,” Spencer retorts loudly, waving a finger at his friends. “People can smell people unintentionally. When you’re in the same vicinity. And (Y/N) smells like flowers whenever she walks by.”
You smile at him, completely endeared by him. “Thanks Spencer. It’s lilies.”
All the boys stop their antics and look at you.
“I love lilies,” you say, “Or lily-of-the-valley.”
Alex shrugs their shoulders, “I feel like I’m missing out. I have no idea what lilies smell like.”
You tilt your head to the side and expose your neck to them. “Then take a whiff.”
Shayne shakes his head, “That’s so unhinged.”
Spencer is stuck staring at the exposed skin of your neck, your head turned away and your hair falling behind your shoulder. He’s still daydreaming as he walks to lunch.
~~~
There’s something about Spencer today that is not sitting well with you. He seems a little nervous, a little fidgety, like anything could scare the living daylights out of him.
You wonder what is ailing him while you check in on all the editors in their pods. You leave a little treat on Erin’s desk and ask Courtney for her opinion on a cardigan you want to buy. You give a new guitar pick to Josh, telling him how the engraving of a sun reminded you of him. He beams afterwards.
You compliment Damien’s desk, asking him how he’s been lately. Out of the corner of your eye, you notice Spencer spinning side to side in his chair. He’s looking at you with a straight face.
You talk to Shayne about sharing a Kristin Hannah book that you love, and you notice Spencer wiping his hands down his pants, fixing his glasses a worrisome number of times.
You pick up a bakugan that has fallen off Alex’s desk. You ask about it while noticing Spencer licking the corner of his mouth as he watches you.
It takes another five minutes before you’re at Spencer’s desk. “Hey!”
“H-Hey,” he says in return. He clears his throat and you can tell he’s biting the inside of his cheek. You furrow your brow.
“Are you okay?”
His eyebrows raise, “Y-Yeah, of course I’m okay.” You miss how Alex starts to smile.
“Sure. You just seem a little… on edge today.”
“Yeah, just… thinking about an upcoming shoot.”
You nod slowly, squinting your eyes like you don’t believe him. “Alrighty then. I’ll see you later on set.”
He waves you off and then hides his face in his hands. The pod of boys starts to laugh.
“You are completely hopeless,” Shayne wheezes.
Damien is more sincere, “You’re in a tough spot.”
“I think it’s gotten worse,” Alex says, taking a sip of a drink to hide their smile.
Spencer starts to bounce his legs with the nerves, his head bouncing with them. “This is ridiculous.”
“It’s sad,” Shayne chokes out, “You got to tell her.”
“Tell her what?” Spencer slumps back in his chair, “Hey, (Y/N)! Guess what? I’ve had feelings for you since you worked at that gas station, and I’ve been trying to get rid of them for months but seeing you every day has only made it worse. So anyway, you should leave your douchebag boyfriend and be with me instead!”
Damien sucks in his lips, trying to be genuine. “Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to go over well.”
Spencer groans, rubbing at his face with his hands, messing up his hat. “I don’t know what to do.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this distraught before,” Shayne says, “It’s more than a little disconcerting.”
“It’s starting to scare me a little,” Alex confesses, “Why is it worse today? You look like you have a ticking time bomb up your ass.”
There are some laughs until Spencer wipes the sweat at his temples. “I’ve been trying to ask her to hang out, just us.”
“To do what?” Damien asks seriously.
“I never pictured you as a homewrecker, Spencer,” Shayne says surprisingly.
Spencer waves his hands around, “No, not anything like that. I’m trying to be her friend.”
“And spending an evening alone together will prove that?” Alex asks with a funny look on their face.
“No, I just… I don’t know.” Spencer is at a loss. “If I can’t be with her, then I want to be good friends.”
“With benefits?” Shayne asks in a low tone, less with humor and more with serious questioning.
Spencer is mortified, “No! Just being good friends. I think having her in my life, even as a friend, will make me way happier than without her.”
“That’s sweet,” Damien says with rosy cheeks. “I think you should ask her.”
Spencer thought he could fit the role of best friend rather nicely. Maybe it would help him put his feelings to rest. Maybe it would help convince him that being friends was enough. Just to have part of you would be worth it.
But the thought of having all of you… to unashamedly hold you, touch you, kiss you, call you his. It put that all too familiar ache in his chest. The same warm, pounding ache that he feels whenever you’re near. Whenever he thought of you.
It’s what he’s feeling as he walks toward the green room – a little section next to the hallway of pods. It has a velvet green couch and a black vanity beside it.
You’re sitting in the makeup chair, spinning around mindlessly while looking at your phone.
Spencer stands there awkwardly, hands stuffed into his pockets, thumbs tapping a restless beat against his thighs.
You finally notice him. “Oh, hey Spencer.” He gives you a quiet greeting and you sit up with that same worry you’ve felt over him all day. “What’s up?”
He clears his throat. “Well, I… I was wondering if maybe… um – well, what…” He shakes his head, using a hand to fix his glasses. “I was wondering what has you so engrossed in your phone?” He’s mentally kicking himself. “A new Ghost Files episode?”
You smile as he remembers one of the ghost investigation channels you really like. “No, I was just contemplating buying the new Wicked on Amazon Prime.”
Spencer raises his eyebrows, “I think as an established theatre kid you legally have to own that movie.”
“Have you seen it?” you ask with a wider grin.
He feels warm at seeing you smile. “Yeah, it’s good.”
“That’s…” you contemplate his tense demeanor. “That’s not what you wanted to ask me, was it?”
He lets out a breathy laugh. “No, you’re right. I wanted to ask if you wanted to hang out tonight.”
“Oh, yeah! What’s everyone doing?” you lean forward.
His throat gets drier, “Um… no, I meant just you and me. I don’t really feel like hanging out with a bunch of people.”
“Ah,” you say funnily. “The black cat emerges.”
Relief starts to trickle in as he takes in your smile. “Right.”
“Well, what did you have in mind? My place isn’t exactly free with Aaron being there. He’s having a poker night with his work buds. It gets… well, I wouldn’t want to be there while they’re playing.”
Spencer feels something steely grow in his stomach. “We can go to my place. Play a game; watch a movie. Or maybe a musical.”
Your eyes get wide, “You really know how to woo a lady. A night in with a musical?” you give a chef’s kiss.
And that night you do head to Spencer’s house. He offers you a ride, but you’re flustered as it is with evading Aaron and his poker friends. It would make it a lot worse if he were to see Spencer picking you up.
You grab your purse and leave a platter of finger food for the boys. Aaron is already three beers deep when he demands a kiss from you.
“You think you can leave without giving me a kiss?” He slouches in his folding chair, the plastic dipping dangerously.
You patter over and leave a kiss on his cheek. Aaron grabs your upper arm and pulls you closer, “A real kiss.”
After a beat where his poker friends are snickering, you lean over to kiss his lips. They’re sour with beer. He smacks your ass for good measure. “Don’t stay out late – I’ll think this company meeting is actually a rendezvous.”
You wave him off, leaving the apartment as quickly as you can. You speed to the bus stop, excited to have a night in the company of someone that you like being around.
Walking to Spencer’s apartment took longer than you were expecting, but it was worth it to see he had set up a Jenga game, favorite drinks out, and Wicked already on the tv.
“I’m so excited,” you say a little breathlessly, taking off your shoes. You wince a little when you notice that above your socks, there were open blisters from your shoes rubbing your heel. “Shoot, um… Spence, do you have some band aids I could use?”
He slides from the kitchen with worry in his expression, “Yeah, what’s wrong?” He looks at you twisting around to look at the back of your heels, “Damn, that looks like it hurts.”
“I didn’t realize my socks had slid down,” you laugh it off.
Spencer grabs two band aids from a cupboard, “Here, sit on the couch.”
“That’s all right, Spence, I can put them on.”
He’s already unwrapping one of the bandages, “I know you can, but let me do it.”
“Seriously, Spence, you don’t have…”
He stops you, pointing to the couch. “Hey, just because you’re able to do it, doesn’t mean you always have to. Let me help – you’ll be doing me a favor – letting me feel useful.”
You smile with embarrassment in your cheeks. You sit down and twist your hips so you can show the wound on your heels. Spencer sits on the coffee table and gingerly lifts your leg to his knee.
He carefully lays the band aid on your heel, holding your socked feet with warm hands. He’s gentle in how he puts your leg down and grabs the other. You accommodate by twisting your hips the other way to expose your heel to him.
He repeats the process, “Was it a far walk to my place?”
“Not too far.”
“Can you explain what not too far means?” he asks with a smirk.
You play with your fingers, pinching the skin around your nail. “Maybe fifteen-twenty minutes from the bus stop.” You notice his eyes look a little upset at that. “I was walking pretty fast. I didn’t want to keep you waiting.”
“And you wouldn’t let me pick you up because…?” he moves to throw away the band aid wrappers.
You continue to pinch and pick at your fingers. “Because my boyfriend is having a poker night with his friends. They get a little rowdy and drunk and I know he’d do something stupid if he saw you pick me up.”
Spencer returns to the coffee table, sitting on the carpet, “What kind of stupid?”
“Like…” you slide off the couch to meet him on the carpet. “He might try to pick a fight.”
“With whom?”
Spencer was definitely probing for a specific answer. He tries to be nonchalant.
You watch him remove a block from the Jenga tower. “Either of us, I guess.”
Something sad enters you. Something big and scary. It weighs on you and makes your shoulders sink. Spencer can hear it in your voice; can see it in your stance.
“That’s not very nice of him.”
A sad smile grows on your face but doesn’t meet your eyes. “No, I guess not.”
“Is he like that a lot?” Spencer asks cautiously.
You remove a Jenga block. “Maybe.” You look at Spencer and see the sincerity in his gaze. “Yeah.”
“And you’re with him still because…?”
You take a deep breath, leaning against the couch and pulling your knees to your chest. “To be honest, I don’t know.”
“Then why don’t you leave him?”
“Because he’ll be angry.”
Spencer looks at you with a furrowed brow, “You don’t want to make him angry?”
“And I don’t know – I still care about him.”
“Do you love him?”
You pause, the Jenga game still ongoing. “I’m not sure.”
“I’d take that as a sign.”
“It’s not as easy as it sounds,” you say quietly.
Your tone makes that ache in his chest pulse painfully. He hates to hear you sound sad and afraid. “You’re thinking about it, at least?”
You nod your head and silence consumes you. You did not want to dwell on boyfriend problems. “Can we watch the movie while we play?”
Spencer nods, grabbing the remote to start the show. Your mood instantly lifts. Like a flower turning towards the sun. He beams at your radiance.
He’s even more astonished when you start to sing.
“Holy shit, (Y/N). You can sing!”
You giggle as you continue to follow along with the musical. The Jenga game is eventually finished, blocks spilling over Spencer as he tries to pull some crazy move. You’re laughing as you pick up the blocks.
Spencer finds one of his blankets, Cleo the cat waking from her after dinner nap.
He sits on the couch beside you and drapes the blanket over you two. He is purposeful in how close he sits beside you.
“You should sing on our karaoke livestream.”
You shake your head, “No way.”
“But you sing so well!” he protests, gesturing to the musical you’re watching. “The viewers would go nuts for it.”
“I don’t know,” you say, leaning back into the couch. Your arms are fully touching. “They talk about me enough as it is.”
Spencer is determined, “I’ll sing a duet with you.”
“Seriously?” you ask, playing with your fingers again.
He watches you pick at your soft skin. “Of course, the fans have been begging to see you for months now. What a better way to do a face reveal than with a livestream for charity?”
“I’ll think about it,” you say quietly.
Spencer grabs your hand, keeping it from picking at your nailbeds. “Good.” He’s not sure what to do after that, letting go of your hand promptly.
You smile, content with leaning your head against his shoulder, unaware of how that little action caused his heart to pound.
That familiar ache consuming him.
An ache that Spencer is now beginning to wonder about. Wonder what would cause it. He was starting to recognize it as something equally terrifying and wonderful.