dean doriath

| they/them | poet | | neurodivergent |

[deanmekel]

[deanmekel]

Deer like me

I saw deer running on the side of the highway in the middle of Perth

We are still waiting to see the deer in Glencoe

But Perth deer are of the city

Used to to all the noise, the people

Everything at once

Glencoe deer are wild and free

So far barely any human eye can see

All that I aspire to be

And I did see them

So very close, running just ahead

So very high, so very far from everything else

There in the solitude of heights

Only in the company of other mountain dwellers

Everything makes sense again

[deanmekel]

On the moor below

Ghosts descend onto the moor beneath a light blue coin

The only ones still alive here are the crows, the red-marked sheep

And then there is me

The ghost reach out

Sheep nor crow

From sheep to crow

I think of flying

I dream of staying home

Of coming back and being gone

In the end we all will return to the moor

There I throw up a light blue coin

Heads or tails and around it goes

It hangs in the sky

The sun, she sighs behind

She barely knows of the sheep and the crows on the moor below

She cannot see through ghosts

Only the moor knows all

Where ghost come home to the living

Crow and sheep there still meet

And then there is still me

[deanmekel]

On my own

I cycle through the dark from my parents house to my own

I miss you

I am not the same person that I was a year ago

[deanmekel]

At home, maybe

No one else uses this shower

There is no bedtime but my own

I am the only one who locks this door and opens it when I come home

I decide what I eat and what I do not

The dishes will not do themselves

I do my laundry three times a week all by myself

I go to sleep alone and wake up alone

There is no one to tell me no

 

I miss the house that I was born in and learned to grow

I miss my room and the familiarity of never moving

But I miss my cat most of all

Every room is empty without him

It is the only reason I cannot call this home

 

Still the house I grew up in changed so much

I now have my very own key that fits just for me

I come back here every evening and I am surprised to see

How much at home I already feel

For within these walls is a place that is only for me

[deanmekel]

Alive in the present

I do not want to die, I say, as the pain in my side gets worse and worse

I do not want to die, with this weight on my chest, the lies on my lips, the fear in my eyes

I do not want to die, when my cat is dying too

 

Lately, I have only been looking to the future while living in the past

I started wondering if the present has passed me be by

I am left behind

 

I am digging my own grave with the words spun in my head

Still, I am terrified of the dead

Especially my own and my cat’s

Now that we both feel like dying

I have been counting down the seconds in my head

Only waiting who is going to be the first one dead

 

In my counting and my waiting, I do not see that I have already been gone for quite a while

I am not quite alive the moment I stopped living in the present

I was already gone for no one can survive outside now

 

I look into the eyes of my cat

I see the present stretched out in front of me

My cat is not dying now and even if he is he is not yet dead and neither am I

We are both still alive now

[deanmekel]

Me in the past, you in the future

I do not know where I am going and I do not remember where I have been

My words might mean something to you but they were just here for me

To make me think I am something more than what you have seen

A tool for me to use to describe you, this is the you I see

 

Still, I am only afraid of the future while trying to live in the past

Yet you are in the present and I wish I could make you last

When I have been passed by so many times

And you are still alive

[deanmekel]

In the emptiness 

I am consumed by the emptiness of my days

I might have done so much already

But I hardly remember

And that I do, is so foreign

It is missing still

 

There is a life I have always wanted to live

That I cannot reach

One day I will run the distance, a bridge to the free

I am in the becoming of me, to still the desperate need

That I feel when I look back, attempting to find meaning

I have found in an empty life I can see the truth

In my barren thoughts, I do not know to feel alive

[deanmekel]

To make a house a home

I hope the big changes come less often now

Inside these four new walls to make your own

I hope you can fall asleep without a lump in your throat

For far too long I have missed you when I am alone

It is you that I first think of in the dark

When I am searching for the words to write down the feelings in my heart

 

On foreign shores, in the comfort of a house

You are there to tell me how

The aching in my bones can feel a little softer

 

I wish to do the same for you

On your loneliest days, when the world is trying to beat you down again

I hope you can read my words, so they might ease your pain too

[deanmekel]

In the end I do not want to give up on us

My teeth hurt but I am not home

I think I left a while ago

The dentist lied to me

I do not want to see you anymore

Again, at my worst I was greeted by a cat

My teeth scream in my ears

In their voices I can hear yours

I do not look left and right anymore

If a car hit me now I would not even mind

But this time I don’t know if I have any glue left to put the pieces back together

Scattered on the street, a solitary cat sniffs out my pieces

Still my teeth scream on

You are still the loudest

And yet, your familiarity sings me to sleep in the end

[deanmekel]

Tooth ache

My tooth started hurting again and I wanted to pull it out like I am still six years old 

I would put it underneath my pillow

I will wonder if the tooth fairy will come and take it, give me a reward for it

Or if it is only my father who replaces it with a single coin a child like me does not know the worth of

I will sleep with high hopes and I wake innocent of the truth

 

The reality is much more unfortunate

I cannot pull the tooth out for none now can take its place, too much time has passed

I did not see the tooth fairy but I did see the dentist

She told me there is no saving the tooth, it has already died

My father will not give me a coin but he will pay the bill that I know full well is far too much

Now I sleep with crushing guilty and I wake with the taste of death in my mouth

[deanmekel]

The last leaf

I was the last leaf on a barren tree

Dancing on a wind I could not fly

Till a winter storm tore me loose

And I left everything behind

 

On a cold winter breeze

I have seen flowers bloom in empty wastelands

I watched the snow fall on mountain tops

I flew with eagles to lands beyond the horizon

 

Now I can feel the warmth of spring coming

The breath of new life is in the air

I am still on my way to tomorrow

[deanmekel]

In the clouds up north

In the north of Scotland, where the mountains end in rocky shores and the lochs find homes at sea

There the clouds are most strange and wild for in their darkness they do not show rain nor snow falling free

There in the northern skies you might find the image of large mountain ridges and pathways unknown to all but the dwellers of the sky

These are the mountains of old

They might have once been but are not anymore

Now their memory is only left in the sky

In the north of Scotland where I saw them with my own eyes

[deanmekel]

To Sandwood Bay

The rain takes me by surprise as I make it to the shore

I walked seven miles and more to see the view of the bay stretched out before me

I made my way through thick dune grass and passed the ruins the sheep now call home

I saw a single beetle climb out the sand as I set foot on this unmarked beach

Here in the cold of the wind I watch the endless waves topple over as I cry with the rain

[deanmekel]

The solitude of Scotland

The lonely deer makes me long for its freedom

The abandoned railway makes me wish to be forgotten

The shape of the land and the water make me dream of a different life

 

I hope to get lost in the low hanging sky

Among the trees no one can find

Where the mountains slide into the lochs

And the water falls from the heights

I will disappear into the silence

 

Only the solitude of Scotland can bring me the peace that I only remember from winter nights

[deanmekel]

‘If I could leave, I would’ve already left’

When I look out of my window, I think of you

I imagine I can see the hills rising up in the distance, beyond all the roofs

If I could, I would open the window and jump them, running back to you

 

But I worry about her, if she will eat dinner without me, if there is someone else to hold her hand

I worry about him, when he cannot see my face on the weekends, who will eat his cinnamon rolls and sugar cookies when I am not there

 

All my friends that I already hardly see and then I would even less

My cat living with my parents that is still mine

The friends I go out walking with and laughing with till our stomachs hurt

My sister and my parents that I already see only once a week

All the plans that aren’t making themself, the months lengthening before I see them again

My high school best friends that I only see when the ones in the band are playing a concert

 

I already miss them all like you

And still, I think of leaving every single day

Sometimes I am terrified I never will

For I cannot leave any of them behind

 

But I hope to one day hug them all so tight

When they promise me we will see each other again

And I know we will

Because I love them all the same as they do me

Even when I have run back to you 

[deanmekel]

The Highland mountains

If you were to ask me about the soft edged highland mountains

I will tell you about the years that have come and gone

The snow and ice that made their way south

The rain that battered down on this land till her edges were worn

 

I will tell you about all the hooves and foot soles that have trotted these stones

Every shade of green, brown, and purple this side of the sun

The clouds shaping themselves around the tops

 

I will tell you about the setting sun through the rain, golden in the sky and upon the mountainside

The water always moving down into the sea

The height of dreams

 

For there are some things just for me

How the sight of them fills the hollow within my bones

How the colours and the outline move to tears

How I wish I could run, leaving my old life behind

Start anew in the place my heart already resides

And I know I could call this place home forevermore