Ellie had forced herself out of her room, though she still hadnât eaten or changed her clothes since she realized Finn was gone. She had simply run a comb through her hair quickly, but with no motivation. The only place she could think of wandering that might offer some comfort was the gardens. Ellie wasnât ready to speak to anybody, she just needed to not stare at the same ceiling for an hour.Â
The rustling of the branches didnât register to Ellie, she thought she had been fairly quiet as she crept off the path to avoid socialization. When an unfamiliar voice called out she quickly turned her head. Ellie approached timidly, she knew she looked exhausted and probably sick. Dark circles sat under her eyes, her clothes hung loose on her body, and her usual shy smile didnât reach her lips.Â
âSorryâŚI was trying not to bother you. I donât think weâve met before, Iâm Ellie.â She introduced herself in a gentle tone. Ellie tried to muster up some sort of half smile of greeting, but it took so much effort.Â
  Noah turned her head lightly and observed the other. A sad sort of camaraderie enveloped her as she took in the malnourished look of her; the shadows under Ellieâs eyes, the way her shirt hung off of her shoulders like there was barely anything underneath. She looked like hell. Like heartbreak. Perhaps Noah was more alike some of the other patients than she had first thought.
  âYou didnât bother me,â The blonde simply stated, pinching her lips together in a mustered smile. It wasnât that she was unhappy, per say, but the other girl looked so... down, that Noah couldnât find it in herself to be cruel. It was admittedly odd, but since coming to Thornewood Noahâs body felt almost too heavy for the narcissism she usually carried effortlessly. She felt almost as thought she was watching her life from the outside in.Â
  Lifting a slim, pale hand, wristband tucked into her sweater sleeve, Noah nodded lightly and tucked dull curls behind her ears. âIâm Noah,â She replies, voice still ringing clearly in the afternoon air. âIâve only been here a little while, itâs not surprising we havenât met.â
The files on her desk seemed to have multiplied. Sofia was not the type to lie to herself. She knew that sheâd been neglecting her work in favor of some extra-curricular research. The past few months had produced some threads of investigation that were hard to put down. The people that ran Thornewood were more suspicious than sheâd originally assumed. Once sheâd started looking, the signs were everywhere. It was the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon. She knew too much now, and things that wouldâve otherwise passed by her periphery were highlighted all around her.
Sofia closed her laptop and sighed. The stacks of paperwork needed to be dealt with. They were beginning to obscure her carefully outlined calendar of appointments. A knock at the door startled the blonde and she looked up, papers still in hand. âYes, come in.â She called out, tilting her head to see the figure in the doorway.
  It wasnât that Noah made it a habit of attempting to get out of her therapy sessions, but it was safe to say that avoiding her sanctioned psychiatrists at Stonefield and Brielle was so much easier. Here, in Thornewood, if you were a red patient your ever move was observed. You were lucky to sneak away every so often with your band tucked away from sight. It was only natural that they came banging on her door at 9am and escorted her directly to the office of her therapist. With a heavy, defeated sigh, the narcissist knocked lightly on the door frame with pale knuckles.Â
  Stepping inside the threshold, she turned and gave the best fake smile and false wave to her guards as she could stomach, prompting their departure. Spinning back around, her smile faltered and dropped, the blonde crossing her arms at her waist and making her way to a chair on the other side of the doctorâs desk. She tucked on leg underneath herself as she sat, the other balancing lightly on the floor. âI have a 9:15 session.â
 Charlie truly hated the person he had become. The good for nothing, always failing, never mentally stable human being. He had done well when he left Brielle. He had made a great start. He had people to fall back onto, talked regularly with his old therapist, had coffee dates with Demi, even started talking more with his parents again. He had done it all to become better, to make sure that once Noah was ready to be released into the cruel world once more she could fall back on him. But even with the blonde Brit always occupying his headspace, he couldnât help but fall back. To see the Rose that could only hurt. To actually start forgetting the ghostly remains of his sister.
 It might very well have been that fact that had gotten him insane again. Even with the pictures. With the voice recordings, he found hidden away on his old phone. He was constantly scared of forgetting her. Of forgetting the way her laughter sounded as they ran through the starry nights in San Fransisco. The sound of her voice when she was irritated by him. The sound of her singing in the early mornings. It was the fear of forgetting that had made him go insane once more, that had resurrected the ghost of his sister following him through the day.
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  Icy eyes darted uncertainly around the room as silence settled over them temporarily. What she was looking for, Noah couldnât say. Perhaps an escape, a way to ignore everything again. Maybe she preferred thinking he had left to start a new life to the reality. As much as she would never admit it, it pained the blonde more than she could say to see him like this again. To see him as that same timid boy the first day she met him in the storm. If it were the right time, perhaps she would have laughed. Theyâd come full circle once again, back to the people they tried to desperately to separate themselves from. The people they had spent months, even years trying to pry apart from their beings. And yet they had relaxed back into the comfort of being sick all too easily.Â
  What happened? She wanted to say, biting her tongue hard enough she swore she could taste metal. What happened to the things we promised? The house on the beach, with a dog and two steady jobs and nothing to worry about but the water and the sunburns weâd have? Turning her body slightly from him, Noah held her breath to repress the unfamiliar sting in her eyes. Noah Brinrose never cried, and sheâd be damned if she was going to start now. Coughing subtly into her sleeve, she reared her head back around as her curls fell flat against her back.
  âDonât call--â She began to say, but bit the sentence off. Donât call me that, her prideful mind seared. I missed hearing you say that, her heart argued. Blue, itâd been the nickname that heâd always called her since god knows when. She couldnât remember how it started, but she remembered the warmth it filled her with, ringing in his voice. She wondered what sort of nickname she looked like now. Her frail hands ached to reach out and capture his face in them, study his eyes and speak to him like he never left. But he had left, and heâd been gone for so long. So long, so long, so long.Â
  Her hands curled into fists instead. She could revel in the sadness, or she could allow the one emotion she knew to blanket her in safety: rage.Â
  âYou did fuck up, Charlie!â Noah spoke up bitterly, her voice sounding foreign to herself. Her body spun back towards him at record speed, her cardigan slipping down her thin shoulders in protest. âDo you have any idea what that did to me? Do you have any idea how many nights I sat in that hallway by that damn phone, waiting for you to call? Do you know how many times I told Toni you were coming back, you would come back, if I just waited a little longer?â The crack in her voice was uncharacteristic, and the blonde could feel the pricking of tears threatening to gather in her vision. If this were anyone else, she would have stopped -- but fuck it, right? She was on a roll. She didnât know if she could stop now. Â
  âFuck, Charlie, did you even - did you even -â Did you even think of me? Did you even miss me? Did you even want to call? Did you even wonder where I was? âGod, I thought you... I thought you-â I thought you died. Questions and cries railed through her mind and Noah tried to pull herself back from the edge she was standing on. What the hell was she thinking? Her chest rose and fell with her anger and pain, but slowly her fist unfurled and the brit took a step backwards. âYou know what? It doesnât matter what I thought now. I have to go, Iâm late for my therapy session.â
 First of all, let me start out by saying my head is fucking killing me. Whatever new meds theyâve got me on are totally useless super great. They make me feel all new. Emotions totally in check. I donât feel anything. Like Iâm walking on a cloud, if that makes any sense. Iâm tired all the time so full of energy.Â
  I gave Charlie his birthday gift. It took me weeks to get Aria my mother to understand what I meant when I said a sheet-music book with a star design. Itâs really not that complicated, but she would bring back things that looked like they belonged in a nursery really werenât his style. But, I guess Iâll admit she ended up finding the perfect one. I donât know how she managed it. She must have looked for a long time. Iâm sure he hates it. Like he hates me. He seemed to really love it. I hope he will play for me again put it to good use.
  Still no word from Nicolas my father. I canât say Iâm surprised am sure heâs just busy. The business world is demanding, Iâve always understood that. Plus he has that bitch a new wife to take care of, as well. I guess thereâs no time for loonies his own daughter a fuck-up chit chatting in his busy schedule.Â
  Does he even miss me? Does anyone miss me? I feel like Iâm watching my life from the outside, like everything is happening to someone else. They always say it will get better. When? When will I be better? What is better even supposed to feel like? Do I want to get better?
  My hand is cramping. I donât want to think anymore. Itâs almost time for lights out, anyway. Maybe in the morning Iâll run into something fun to do, you know, self care and all of that. Maybe then I will get better.
The gathering crowd in the garden was visible from his bedroom window, intrigued by the vantage point of the yellow floor. A sense of belonging suddenly absent, distorting his perception of the event. The role of the intruder had been welcomed, the shoes of an outcast not hard to fill. The red band adorned his wrist with pride. Cameron had been the bad guy all his life, this was easy, but with blue hues glued to the jarringly bright new colour wrapped around his arm, he knew for the first time in five years that his presence was requested â a notion that instantaneously left him teetering on uneven ground.
A scrunched nose contorted pale features as his face pressed against the glass, observing the laughter passing wide smiles, small groups of people chatting, the melodic hum of conversation floating up towards the second-floor window occupied by a disgruntled figure. A sharp sigh exhaled through his nose as he turned on his heel, stuck at a crossroads, toying with the idea of joining in the meteor watch party or remaining hidden in the seclusion his room provided.
Deciding the days of solitude were numbered, Cameron trudged down the steps. Hesitating at the very public garden door, he wiped a sweaty palm on his jeans before greeting the cool night air. As he reached for the crumpled pack of smokes in his pocket, a leaflet was shoved into his grasp, distracting him from the craving of nicotine as a furrowed brow glanced at the page littered in stars. âHow old are we, eight?â He quipped to the person closest, a huff of laughter following his words before scrunching the sheet into a tiny ball. âTen bucks says I can land it in the trash?â He placed his bet before aiming his shot.
  Noah had never been one for social gatherings, at least not until recently. It was so much easier to pretend nothing affected you when you were alone, isolated, where no one could call you out on your obvious bullshit. Twisting her red band uncertainly around her wrist, Noah chewed on the inside of her lip incessantly. She could go down to watch the meteor shower, make some friends, maybe. It would be a good way to convince her therapist she was improving (at least, this is what the narcissist told herself, convincing herself it wasnât because she was ultimately lonely).Â
  With a sigh that signaled something like giving up, Noah threw on her cardigan and tucked the red accessory inside of it, pushing out passed her door and making her way down the stairs of Thornewood. Absently, almost as a second thought, the blonde wondered where she would sit. It wasnât like she was close enough with anyone to spend a whole night with them, and she thought perhaps it was better to leave Charlie alone. Maybe Lex? Trying to find friends had never been an issue to the narcissist before, as friends were more so something she happened upon when her pawns turned out to be better than she anticipated, but this Noah needed a change. Something had to give, and maybe this was it.Â
  However, when she pushed open the doors to the garden, careful to hide her wristband, she doesnât see Lex or Charlie. Instead, she sees the man who carted a cow through the hallway and a smile quirks at her lips. Using his body as a shield to prevent any of the staff from seeing her, she glances at the leaflet in his hands once they were a safe enough distance away. âI was thinking more like three,â She mused, a smirk painted on her expression. âThey think looking at the pretty stars will make us all get along?â Blue orbs traveled from his hands to the well worn trashcan, and the blonde offered a laugh. âTwo cigarettes says youâll miss horribly.â Noah holds out a thin hand to shake on it.
  A smile formed on Charlieâs face as his eyes finally decided to cooperate and start focusing the things around him. The phantom of Rose still lingering in the corner of his vision. The roses did look stunning today as if they tried extra hard to be pretty for their dead name-mate. Noah. Her voice. It sounds â Normal â like her⌠The young male was glad to see the blonde curled Brit. Glad to see a smile instead of a scowl formed on her face.Â
  There hadnât been a day that she didnât leave his mind. Not a day since she came back in which he wasnât mad at himself and the extra damage he had done. Especially with her figure wandering the halls of Thornnewood, his heart still skipped a beat anytime he would spot the bouncing curls of the blonde in the hospital.Â
  And to see her now, talking with him, a present stuck underneath her thin arm. Charlie couldnât help but fall in love with her all over again. He knew she was still mad at him. How couldnât she be? But here she was. Remembering one of his least favorite days and being there for him.Â
  âThank- Thank you Blue ââ Charlie said with a quivering bottom lip, his hands wrapping around the dark blue wrapping paper. Eyes spotting the little stars and constellations all over the gift as he started to carefully unwrap it. His shaking fingers accidentally ripping a part of it, a small scold leaving his lips. That was until he spotted what was inside, his heart grew at least two sizes. His eyes slowly tearing up. He had played on the piano once since he had gotten in here. But he had seen music all around him. This might finally help him put it down on paper. âThank you so â so much Blue.â He said with a more confident smile as he held the book close to his heart taking a step closer to the girl. âI will do anything to fill this up with masterpieces ââ The young male said with a grin on his lips.Â
  Noah had to admit that being here with him, like this, in a calm setting where her words werenât dripping with venom was nice. Perhaps even relaxing, dare she say it. Her heart wanted to forgot and forgive the past. for things to always be like this again, but her pride would never let her. Maybe that was her curse, to always ruin things for herself and for anyone who dared to love her.Â
  âYouâre welcome,â The blonde said softly, wrists crossing protectively at her waist as she watched him open the gift with intensity. Heâll probably hate it, she told herself, after all why would he want anything from you. The smallest of smiles tugged at her pursed lips as he cursed, and Noah held her breath. If he hated this now, it would be one more humiliation to add to the list.Â
  However, he smiled, and the foreigner felt her cheeks dust just the slightest of pink. She loved him still, she supposed she always would, and her heart ached to close the space between them as she watched him move forward. But she remained steadfast in her position. âYouâre welcome,â She replies instead, tucking a long, perfectly curled lock of hair behind her ear, blue eyes only just then rising to meet his. âYou better,â She teases. âDo you have any idea how long it took to explain to my mom what kind of book I was looking for?â
May fourth, his birthday. Their birthday⌠Charlie had pretended to smile when some of the staff members wished him a happy birthday. He had been surprised to see some of the presents in front of his door. The small notes left behind. He had even pretended to act surprised when his mom called, had been actually surprised when he heard the voice of Sebastian an hour later at the other side of the line.
Charlie had found the patch of the garden filled with roses the moment they had started to bloom. The smell had drifted in through an open window, the ghost of Rose had led him outside until he had seen the rows and rows of different colored flowers.
Ever since he had tried avoiding the particular patch of garden. He had started to dislike the flower that reminded him of his sister anytime he looked at the petals when the unique smell would hit his nostrils.
She had brought him directly to the patch today though. His hands slightly shaking as he looked at the small note he held in his hand. A small smile on his face as he looked at his failed attempt to make it into an origami rose. His feet stopped as his eyes spotted the red petals at the noses of his black Vans. His eyes traveled up as he heard someone speak. âS-Sorry- I-I hope I didnât- didnât bother youâŚâ He said his eyes failing to focus on the other. âThe roses are- Looking- Smelling great today arenât they-â
  Noah thought about Charlie often, much more often than sheâd like to admit. They hadnât exactly patched things up yet, mostly due to Noahâs pride more likely than not, but of course she knew what today was. She knew it would be equal parts a big day and a sad one for him. Birthdays were great, a fun excuse for people to have all eyes on you -- but when you shared one with the dead, she imagined that was the last thing you would have wanted.Â
  She was still angry with Charlie, she supposed a part of her would be a for a long time, but a bigger part of her mind was aching not to leave him alone on a day like this. Apparently, the ice queen a little more humanity buried in her chest than she thought as she made her way out to the flower garden, the space she knew she would find him, with a present tucked neatly under her thin arm.Â
  It didnât take the boy in question long to wander out, as she knew it wouldnât, and Noah fiddled nervously with the constellation covered wrapping paper concealing the gift.Â
  âHey,â Noah voice was much softer than she had meant it to be, distant and uncertain as she heard him approach. He spoke awkwardly himself, as if he were trying to convince the both of them of what he was saying. Rising to her feet from the bench where she had sat, Noah turned on her heel and offered the gift to him. Inside, he would find a dark blue, blank music book with âreach for the starsâ scribbled in golden cursive font across the front cover. âFor you,â The blonde states, tilting her head as her eyes remained downcast. âHappy birthday, Dream Boy.â
Cameron had made all efforts to be inconspicuous, feet barely making a sound as he made his way towards Charles Forresterâs office, all would have been well had the cow not been putting up such a protest. He gave a comforting tap to the bovineâs side, crystalline hues focused on the mission so intently that he didnât notice the girl before him until sharp words filled his ears.Â
Orbs narrowed in her direction, a deep and unamused frown forming across his brow bone as he brought a singular digit to his lips and hissed a forceful, âShhh.â He didnât recognise the voice, or the figure and worried for a brief moment that heâd been caught by a staff member. Anger aggravated the dull flame residing in his chest causing irritated words to spill free. âWho the fuck do you think you are talking to me like that?âÂ
  A cow was certainly not what Noah had been expecting to see in the early morning and in the middle of a hallway, no less. In a mental hospital. Being led by a patient. On second thought, the blonde mused silently, maybe she should have been expecting it. Sheâd have to journal about this absolute shit show later, given that this was her third institution and perhaps the strangest thing she had seen -- aside from the storm that ripped Brielle in half.Â
  Then, the unidentified male was shushing her harshly, and Noahâs lips were setting into a hard frown. Itâd been so long since Noah had met anyone that displayed any form of hostility towards her, and she was slightly taken aback. Her adrenaline, however, spiked at the prospect of a challenge. âThe bitch who could scream and get your ass caught right now,â She replied in a snap, blonde curls falling over one shoulder before a smirk tugged at the side of her lips. âOr the bitch that could help you avoid meeting anyone else in a dark hallway. Your choice.â
  Noah didnât hate Thornewood, surprisingly. She didnât like it, by a long shot, and there were far more rules here than any other institute sheâd been admitted to, but it was small. Noah like that, the familiarity. She enjoyed that she knew everyoneâs names and faces, whether she had met them or not. She knew who to avoid, who she could get something from if she really needed to. They knew to steer clear of her, she hoped. It was different from Brielle and Stonefield in that regard. Here, she didnât have to try quite as hard to be seen. Here, she could just exist.
  She wasnât sure how she felt about that yet.
  Thin hands ran along the side of the fountain in Thornewoodâs garden, the red patient not meant to be outside but allowed only because her wristband had been tucked away. As long as no one saw, no one would cast her to the wolves. The day was nice and sunny, a soft breeze blowing blonde curls back from her ocean eyes. It was a day she would have spent with Charlie, or Antonia, maybe even Demi back when she was in Brielle. A day she would have spent with Finn in Stonefield. Silently, she wondered what kind of day it would turn out to be now that she was in Thornewood.Â
  âI can hear you over there,â She called to the rustling in the bushes. She was unsure if the person was watching her and waiting to speak or simply passing by, but she was craving interaction. âIâm not going to bite. This time.â
Cam had rushed into the nearest bathroom the moment the nausea crawled up her throat. She rarely had any serious hangovers anymore, but she had pushed herself more than usual the previous night. Once her angry stomach was empty she rinsed her mouth and stared at herself in the mirror. Dark circles sat under her eyes, her skin was flushed, and beads of sweat dotted her forehead. In short, she looked like shit, and she knew it.Â
It didnât take Cam long to collect herself and step out of the bathroom. She swung the door open carelessly and nearly hit someone else with it. âShit, sorry! Almost took you down there.â She apologized quickly, with a light laugh at how ridiculous it was. Imagine getting smacked in the nose by a bathroom door, not smooth. She gently closed the door behind her and briefly worried that she looked as awful as she felt.Â
âI feel like we havenât run into each other in a while, how are things?â She inquired, falling into step with them. Cam used all her energy to put a spark of energy into her posture and tone. Hopefully it would be enough to hide her absolute exhaustion.Â
  Noah wasnât directly disobeying the hospital rules. Okay, so she was, but the whole no bathroom for an hour after eating rule that applied only to eating disorder patients was annoying, and she just needed to pee, so was it really that big of a deal? Yes, she decided. Who cares, she shrugged. She could be in and out in five minutes and no one would ever know. If Antonia were here, she probably would have reprimanded her and asked why she couldnât ever follow simple instructions. But Toni was long gone, and Noah continued on her merry way.Â
  Nearing the closest bathroom, a distinctly familiar sound caught Noahâs ear, and she couldnât help but lean into it. It was just her narcissistic nature, hoping to catch someone in the forbidden act and use that to her advantage. However, as the door swung open and nearly smashed into her, the blonde rolled her eyes gently as she recognized the woman as a nurse. Mumbling a, âWatch it!â she made up her mind to find another bathroom.
  Only, the woman followed her. âYou talk like weâre friends,â Noah scoffs, blonde curls bouncing across her back. Noah kept her eyes trained ahead, blue gaze only darting over momentarily to look her up and down. âYou know, if youâre going to pick up habits from your patients, maybe you should do it more quietly.â
Udderly Amoosing || April Fools Cameron || OPEN STARTER
A sense of uncertainty should have crept into his mind. He could feel its absence, a sense of something missing as he and a thousand pound cow sidekick slink into Thornewood. A gentle, ambient purple shone through the windows, indicating just how early the hour was. The sun barely peaked over the horizon, casting shadows for the two to creep in as if it knew they were up to no good. His jeans, muddy and frayed, showed evidence of his misdeed, knees still burning from the wire that had scraped him. Creeping past the reception area, a goofy smile played at his lips, occasionally replaced by two furrowed brows aimed sternly at the cow.
âMoo! Shush!â
A noise echoing from the hallway sent him straight into the air. Arms flailing, he shielded the cow. Squeezing his eyes shut, he prayed a sleepwalker mistook him and his unlikely friend for a statue. His mumbled warning came out in a hiss, âStay. Fucking. Still.â
  Noah didnât make it a habit of wandering the hospital in the early morning hours. In fact, she almost never left her room before 7am at all, but an odd dream had shaken her awake and the need for water urged her out her own door. After her thirst had been quenched, sleep no longer interested her, and the blonde decided to instead familiarize herself with her surroundings. For being a red patient, it was uncannily easy to slip past the guards into other wings, though she kept her wristband tucked into the sleeve of her cardigan to prevent anyone from seeing it who may look at her twice.Â
  Everything had been quiet, as she expected it to be, and the early sunrise was beginning to coat the halls in a beautiful hue. It was almost -- and then she heard it. Was that a cow?
  Rounding the corner, Noah came face to face with a male whose face she couldnât quite make out in the darkness, and a looming figure that looked suspiciously like an animal. Not to mention, she heard the damn thing. âWhat the hell are you doing, exactly?â She crossed her arms in wait.
  There she was. In the flesh. Alive. Charlie couldnât explain how irritating it was to have her stand before him but not be able to stretch out his hand to touch her⌠A small voice in his head told him that if he tried he would not see his hand back ever again. And he believed that voice to the fullest. What was that quote his grandma used to tell?Â
  âDonât mess with a hungry lion.â
  And a hungry, and very angry, lion she was right now. Seeing her reminded him of what he had done. How badly he had failed not only himself but also her. She had all the rights to be pissed at him. All the right to kill him. Or even worse the decision to ignore him for the rest of their lives. To not talk to him. To pretend as if he was air. Just as the ghostly Noah of his dreams had done. He would hate life and himself if he would lose her again due to his own goddamn stupidity. It was the noise of his own brain plus the overwhelming and familiar scent of the blonde Brit that brought him back to reality. The smell of autumn, crisp, like a warm hug. Even though the scent burned off of her as her eyes spit fire towards him. So this is what the fires of hell must feel like? Blazing and burning through the core of your soul.Â
  His mouth snapped shut as he heard the venomous words spit towards him. The ice-cold layer of tone sending a shiver down his spine. The way she spits out his full name a rollercoaster through old memories. All better than the one he was living right now. âI- I can- I can explain Noah-â He started off uncertain. Knowing deep down he wouldnât give himself a second chance after fucking up this badly. âPlease- I-I-â
  It was hard for him to have this conversation. He had ran away from it in the first place. Tried avoiding it. Even though even back then he knew that was the wrong thing to do⌠With his heart pounding inside his chest he glanced at the person he loves most. Â
  âNo more lies-â Charlie muttered softly his eyes glued on the floor, anything not to see her piercing blue eyes look straight down his soul. âI-I promise.â He said his eyes traveling back up to meet her blue hues. heart racing to get enough oxygen to his entire body. For the first time in weeks, he had been truly awake, a body filled with adrenaline to run away once again.Â
  He finally noticed what his eyes ignored for the first moments of their conversation. He knew he was looking bad with barely any sleep for two weeks, without any medication and no coffee since last night. His eyes squinted in the light, bags under his eyes as big as his worst days in Brielle, skin turned grey from lack of sleep. But seeing Noah stand in front of him, he could see the same symptoms, sleeplessness and a diet that suggested having no diet at all. His disappearing hadnât just been bad for him. And just with that realization, he felt himself close back down. Retreat back inwards to feeling nothing but pain and failure towards the person in front of him. He had failed her. Over and over again.
  âI missed- I- I failed- I failed you and I failed me. And I will never be able to forgive myself for that Noah.â The young male said softly as he felt the walls around himself being thrown back up. His heart begging him to not do it. To let her in. To fix this.Â
  It hadnât been entirely his fault she had become like this, not by a long shot. The blonde brought the self-abuse on all on her own. As soon as he dropped off the face of the earth, the first week she hadnât received a phone call or a letter or any sort of anything from Charlie, she knew this was where she would end up again. She had allowed herself to get comfortable, to get dependent, and even though she could clearly observe that she was regressing in progress, Noah chose to tell no one. She chose to keep the secret from Seb, from Toni, from Liv, from everyone. Maybe a part of her had done it to punish not only Charlie, but herself. For not being good enough for him to stay.
  And there was his stutter, pushing its way passed his lips in the familiar notion she knew all too well from the brunette. He was nervous, afraid. Good, the narcissist thought bitterly, you should be afraid of me. Noah Brinrose had changed so much, so ultimately, in their time together. She had at least tried to become the kind of person he needed her to be. It was only natural for her to belatedly realize that someone like her was not cut out for work such as that.Â
  Noah wanted to scream, the anger bubbling up under her skin for a thousand different reasons. She wanted to tear at her hollow and aching chest until she could pull out the girl she used to be back out. Until she could pull Kate back out. Until she could pull the progress Charlie had made back out, but they were all gone. And it was her fault truly a shame. âYou can explain?â The blonde scoffed, thin arms crossing over her chest and chin jutting out to display her superiority. This was the old Noah, she should have changed. She should have been better than this. She wasnât. âWell go on! Since youâve got such a brilliant reason, letâs hear it!â
  Her heart ached to forgive him, to let him hold her again. To let him make her feel something other than pain again. But her mind raged unceasingly against it, reaching out its angry hands to wrap around her throat. She had always been brash and loud. Noah was never made to be soft and loving. She had been a fool for ever trying to be.Â
  Charlie looked awful. Utterly terrible, like he hadnât slept in weeks, and Noah wouldnât doubt that he hadnât. Hell, she hadnât, and that wasnât even her diagnosis. Silently, she wondered what happened in the time he left Brielle to his arrival here. How had she not noticed the signs that he was slipping? Sure, she hadnât seen a lot of him necessarily, but as his girlfriend (former girlfriend? she honestly didnât know what they were anymore) wasnât that her job? To take care of him? Had she failed at that too?
  The brit shook herself from those thoughts, her gaze darkening with her determination not to take the fall for any of this, as wrong as that may have been. Old Noah survived Stonefield and Brielle, and Old Noah was going to get her through Thornewood. âYeah, Charlie, yeah you did. You didnât think I deserved one lousy fucking phone call? A letter, for fuckâs sake? Anything?â Did he think she wasnât worth any of it?
wednesday, april 22nd, 2020 - journal entry #1 â˝
  How am I supposed to start one of these things? âDear journalâ or some shit like that? Itâs not like the therapist gave me a manual for this shit. Maybe they should have. Things were a lot less complicated at Brielle, even less complicated in Stonefield. There werenât so many rules.Â
  So, here I am. My third institution. If Iâm being honest, dear journal, I thought I was better at playing pretend than this. I thought I would have been better out living my life by now. Isnât it sad funny? I lived to see the fire that burned down Stonefield and the abandonment that swept through Brielle and now Iâm here. And for what? Another failed attempt to make me âopen my eyesâ? Really, youâd figure with all the big bucks dear old daddy is spending heâd realize by now things arenât working out.
  Or at least pay me a visit.Â
  Oh well, whatâs it matter anyway. Charlie is here, by the way, not that you know who that is. Isnât that brilliant? I thought he was dead, you know. Really, I did. I thought Iâd never see him again. But what do you know, heâs here in this place, just fine. Well, not fine, he actually looks like heâs doing awfully (which I wish didnât hurt me to see wasnât the case). I guess I wasnât worth getting better for. Donât you worry though, journal, or whoever the hell is actually reading this -- it wonât affect my progress. If thereâs one thing Iâve always been good at, itâs pretending to be being a stone cold bitch.Â
