1st year away from home

[deardiehardry]

the first year

scroll all 2 the bottom and read up if u want to go chronologically

[deardiehardry]

29th entry

      9/26/16

Dearest Die-hard-ry

  On Saturday TXXXXXX drove up famed gay black rapper Abdu Ali, a former student of his, to Philly w/a singer called Joy whose voice was beautiful. We had time to kill b4 the show so we got pizza and smoked pot lol it was my 1st time + it tasted like burning. TXXXXXX told me he invited me there 1/2 cuz he thought I was lesbian. Everyone does I guess. Everyone thinks I’m a serial killer lesbian. I told him I was half-n-half (bi) so he wouldn’t be so wrong. But I don’t even know. I don’t think it matters because I have no one + don’t want anyone either. I don’t know how bad it is. I don’t like being touched. I wonder if this is all Claire + co’s fault or if...

   I wish I could be like Sparrow.

  But I’m not. I’m nothing. I’m shit.

        Okay.

[deardiehardry]

28th entry

9/13/16

Accidently knocked middle aged white guy off bike. Watched him fall in slow motion. Saw him land and I gave him his water bottle + asked if he was okay out of obligation, as there happened to be Park guards right there. He was in a ball + I think the pussy was crying. I felt nothing but mild disgust. Said “Alright seeya” + left up some stairs, bought some eggs.

Remember... idk mane

                                       -I’m losing

-Also

I look back at my old DeviantArt account, from time to time. Back then I used to write okay, like a normal person. Something happened. “Uhhh I’m so different I’m a special snowflake” I don’t know. I have no frame of reference. I just wonder sometimes what it’d be like to be normal, to have friends, go to school, not be fucked in the head, and hate everyone. The only way all of this will be validated is if...

I don’t-

actually don’t need validation. Fuck that.

[deardiehardry]

27th entry

   Dear die-ary                      8/31/16

I don’t know about anything. I don’t want to kill myself but things are so weird right now. A lot of bullshit is happening + I don’t know what’s going on. I’ve been applying to jobs for months + no one’s hired me. I am scared that I’ll never be able to support myself + have to go home, which’d be shit because I pretty much disowned my entire family. Me + father went to Indianapolis for a stupid family reunion. On the way there he was the one who brought up how he was voting for Trump, I avoided it. So I was kinda salty when we got in but then at the hotel Lauren told me she was raped in college. She gave me all sorts of deets. I’m... a friendless weird freak, Lauren + Maddy have severe depression + anxiety, Lauren was raped, Ian’s addicted to heroin... I don’t know.

I emailed a therapist online to help me but she hasn’t gotten back to me so I automatically assume it’s my fault and she hates me. Anyway back in Indianapolis, we got back to Aunt Sue’s house in Pittsburgh + had a deep talk about Ian’s heroin addiction. Maybe it’s just because he was around his sister but father was acting like an immature WASP fuckboi. No sorry that’s weird to call your dad a fuckboi, he was more like those douchey white frat boys in college so the same thing but whatever. He thought I was still mad at him for voting for Trump + that’s why I was crying the next couple days like a bitch. I told him Lauren was raped and he was like oh she should be more careful. I was like WHAT THE FUCK. We got back to my apartment, went out to eat at the ice cream place on the corner, had a fight lowkey and I wouldn’t forgive him or make amends before he left. He was going to leave on an okay note- he said “Well I’m sorry you think that, I never thought it was her fault-” because he’s the protagonist in his mind + doesn’t know what a- how unacceptable that was, because he thinks he’s perfect- he went to leave but then started talking about random shit like the weather + the airflow in my apartment in a desperate pathetic attempt to stay longer + leave with me liking him or something. I went and opened the door. He went out, blocked it when he heard me say something, which was “Get out of my house,” blocked it again in a final desperate plea + then I forced it closed + locked it. Now they keep trying to tempt me back home. They’re empty nesters now + I think they’re really sad. I don’t like talking to them. Bye.

[deardiehardry]

26th entry

      Dear Diary 7/7/16

I dropped outta Jeffstat last week, whatever yadda yadda. The fam came up for 4th of July + I quickly told father in person. They went on to nag me about looking in every store we passed for help wanted signs. It wasn’t nightmarish as it could’ve been but my family is just unpleasant. We go to a gay bar for food and father complains about all the gay PSA’s and I’m like what the fuck did you expect. We walk on South street + mother does

her cringey white people grin at all the black people, and 1 black dude, totally benign, asks me where a store is and they nag me for 2 DAYS about how horrible an experience that was. I think the night of 7/2 mother found a fucking COP to report some nuts + bolts hanging on strings to balance a shop window open, and then THAT NIGHT/ NEXT MORNING AT 5 AM WENT TO THE ER because she had “CHEST PAIN” and father called her a fatty behind her back. Diana’s a lazy ambitionless fuck who’s so basic it’s crazy. THEY’RE UNPLEASANT TO BE AROUND. They’re lowkey homophobic, lowkey racist, lowkey just fucking retards in general and SO GODDAMN WHITE. you know what I don’t even feel bad about using up all their money to stay here I CAN’T STAND THEM.

[deardiehardry]

25th entry

     Dear Diehardry 6/27/16

I cannot believe it’s already almost July. I’ve been at Jeffstat for a month+ now + it s hard but I’m managing, especially now since all the instructors know I have GAD. They’ve been nicer since they found out. I did my first page of XXXXXX in 3 weeks- page 21, and I likey ver much. It feels good to have finally done that.

[deardiehardry]

24th entry

May 5/26 Dear Die-ary

           I’ve lived in XXXXX for like more than a week now. Days blend together + I am very depressed + anxious but not right now. I was sad because I thot this whole EMT thing was just a big waste of time + money cuz I suck, but then I realized there is not backup plan that I like so if I don’t get my shit together + stop being so tired all the time I’m boned big time. But today Cullen helped me a lot + I was like hey I’m learning real shit. And then I made a mistake in front of the whole class due to not thinking + just rushing in to do CPR on a dummy with no AED. I would’ve been embarrassed but it was like hey, I suck but I have instincts, maybe. I dunno. I just need to make good art soon or I’m gonna blow my brains out 

             -XXXXXX >:(

[deardiehardry]

23rd entry

        Dear die-ary 4/12/16

Last night I got turnt for the first time ever w/ Mia + Jaanvi + their friends. Okay not bad but still I got someone tipsy lel it was okay. It wore off later + I was bored again. Thought at the beginning of the night: Boring girls + ugly boys. Thought at the end: ehhh they wouldn’t let me smoke their weed cuz they thought that’d be 2 crazy 4 me. Mia said next time. I’m like bitch u better cuz I write comix about this shit + I have no fuckin clue what I’m talking about. The past few times (I’m on the bus about to go to Philly now) I’ve got on the 9.15 AM bus I always do something rathy risqué the night before. Last time it was a lame party w/ strippers that I didn’t enjoy cuz apparently

I’m a sour bitch. I’d rather be a

no because I guess cunts are all like ehh + bitches are just like mehhh. Fuck you

ANYWAY the XXXXXX XX is going good. I’m editing Track 1 down to something I enjoy more + it’s fun. But I think I’m not making Volta + Sparrow hate each other enough. Maybe it’ll get worse... no they should start off with a lot of hate. Whatever some smoker fucking assholes are sitting behind me now so bye

             -faggot

[deardiehardry]

22nd entry

  Dear Die-hard-ry            3/19/16

I am easing myself out of the sads. I have not been back to see my shrink + also haven’t been to any of my classes all week. I am tired of even my shrink nagging me to go to those + we never spend time talking about deep shit so fuck it ya know? 3 people just unfollowed me on tumblr which made me sad but I’m over it. I think I’m just happy with how things are going with XXXXXX. I’m having fun with it still with all the trashy memes + self referential shit, like Papa Franku + Fish + Kumar. Also I’m writing more XXXXXX XX + my future in Philly is more secure. All I have to do is move there + get my papers + uniform in order, + books too. I’ll also probably have to buy a printer. I’ll be using my parents’ money

but fuck em, this is way less expensive than more useless ass art school anyway. They keep telling me that + I thought it wasn’t such a big deal but I guess it’s a big deal so I’m reassured. I walked out of painting on Monday to listen to To Pimp a Butterfly. I gave it another try + actually listened + this time I was like woah this some deep shit. I like. So for now I’m chillin + hangin out until my time here ends I guess. I’ll sustain I think.

        LOVE + BUTTERFLY KISSES,

                 EWHIZAPEE

[deardiehardry]

21st entry

3/7/16 Dear Diary,

   I am now getting over a deep depression that was mostly onset last week by my shrink not recognizing my brilliance. I also have been sleeping a lot more. But like I said, I’m getting over it now. I think putting myself in Rico’s head fucked me up some especially since I don’t have a Kendrick of my own, but it’s warming up, it’s spring break so whatever. I don’t like Kendrick Lamar that much becuz I think he’s too artsy and Eazy E is king. ANYWHOO I’ve also gotten into Young Justice + it’s got more story + is smarter probably than Teen Titans so it’s been giving me ideas for my shit. I’ve got to stop treating them like asshole adults + more like stupid kids which is what they are. Also Sparrow has a pet chicken now lol. Okay bye  ♡

              Elizabeth

[deardiehardry]

20th entry

     Dearest die-ary,

   It’s February 20 something I think.

I have officially decided on + adjusted to the plan of quitting art school and being an EMT instead. Maybe I’ll even learn compassion + shit. It’s just a big... not load off my mind, but it makes me feel more positive cuz I have a sustainable future mapped out. Of course, I do believe I’m still gonna die before I’m 25 but for the next 5 years I got me covered. I also started XXXXXX just last week + I am having a lot of fun. I’m tired all the time but that feeling of purpose is so

great it’s like I can handle anything. Also I’m sort of panicking that I won’t be able to finish everything before I die at 25 so that’s been a great motivator. I’m gonna show my shrink my comix which’ll be like the first time ever since Claire in 2011-12. Not anonymously I mean. And deep ones, not light shit like XXX XX XXXX I displayed at the senior art show last year. So that’s good. I can’t run anymore because I’m too sick + I can’t breathe. I mean I could try but it hurts so much + it’s so cold. To regulate I just go on walks everyday + jack off everyday + eat only like 2 meals or some shit. Last week I was so busy w/ XXXXXX / sick / sleep deprived that I would eat like nothing all day it was amazing. I take hope from inside + it sustains       Bye    -Elizabeth :O

[deardiehardry]

19th entry

   Dear die-ary

It’s the 1st Thursday after x-mas break + I’m in Art history of course. We’re going thru a bunch of christian art + I am violently atheist and it shows. I’m not as aggressive as XXXXX tho, probably cuz I didn’t have to go to catholic school for 7 years. Also he doesn’t exist but he DOES TO ME. I bought a fuckin mystic wand for my 19th birthday + it came on the 10th + I immeadiately 

tested it out but was disappointed when I did not come fuckin buckets immeadiately. I was sort of sad becuz I’ve been trying for a while but I’ve never had a orgasm before and they sounded all the rage. I tried again on my birthday before fuckin Chelsea walked in which was hilariously awkward (she didn’t see anything tho) + then again + I think I FINALLY got it last night. I guess it just takes time. Masturbating is hard. WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO HARD. IT’S SO DIFFICULT lol on Prom night I stayed home + had sex w/ myself 3 times in the shower + totally sprained my wrist so it was sore the next 

day. And only I knew why. And I thought it was really funny but I couldn’t tell anyone which made me sad. I’ll tell it one day I guess. Also I feel like a fatass cuz I ate like a gallon of cheeseballs yesterday. I am also very sick. Physically this time. I have a cold. It should be gone soon so whatever.

   Okay whatever bye

        LOVE, WEIRDO

[deardiehardry]

18th entry

1/2/16                       Hey fag,

                    I bought a giant the other day + I’ve been trying to paint it for like 2-3 days but I can’t come up with anything. I keep getting stuck on the idea of generation Z + the normalization of terrorism + bagel bin but right now it just looks like this

The internet’s still down + it’s really really fucking with me. I kno right but shut up I’m ALONE talking to NO ONE for DAYS so I SORTA KINDA NEED IT. I hate that one security guard. I hope he dies violently.

[deardiehardry]

17th entry

     December 30, 2015

             Dear die-hardry

   it’s actually the 31st now but it’s only 1 AM so it doesn’t really count. I’ve been alone in the dorm for like 4 days now cuz everyone 

else is away on x-mas break. I really really like this. I hope they don’t get back until January 10 or something. However the loneliness is kinda taking it’s toll. Or maybe it’s the lack of a schedule. I think it’s that. Plus I’m sicker than usual. It’s been harder to breathe while running and I keep having gruesome diarreah that hurts my ass :( plus I can’t sleep sometimes which I thought I was done with but nope! I went back to MD on the godforsaken bus last Monday on the 21st. It was okay but it was really boring + the weather was shit. It was hot + humid on CHRISTMAS. Barf-tastic. The fam was okay. At least there were no fights. Or at least big ones. I left on the 26th which I think they hate me for.

I think that family has abandoned all traditions + it makes us not feel like a family. Whatever it made me appreciate New York a lot more when I got back. I got a new laptop + it’s pretty hot shit. I named it Vort because I’m actually for real retarded. No complaints there, I got my scanner + tablet working just fine + that’s the important things. I’m trying to wrap up XXXXXXXXX so I’m panicking about starting my next project, which I can’t even think of a name for but it’s the XXXXXXX XXXX + XXXXX one. I decided that if I don’t at least try to make it then I won’t be able to move on. I don’t know. I’ve started telling myself that I’m gonna die in 2 years to help motivate me. I really wish I was. That’d be perfect. I might be dying cuz I’m sick all the time but it’s probably just me being crazy. Writing is hard. But I for

sure have to write it out before I start storyboarding. I did XXXXXXXXXX without writing or storyboarding + I know it’s just a porno comic but the writing + plot + just bleh makes me want to fucking shoot myself. I wrote out all of XXXX + they were okay... ish... but I never went thru drafts, it was just like I scribbled down storyboards + started inking. I think I just want to make this good so I’m freaking out about fucking up. But it’s probably shit anyway so ???? Also I feel like a freeloader cuz I don’t have a real job so ????????????????? I shaved my hair too short + now I’m worried I look permanently stupid. It’ll grow back though. I’m only writing cuz the internet is down lol gomen

      Fuck you, 

              ♡ ♡  Elizabeth  ♡ ♡ XOX

[deardiehardry]

16th entry

     My philosophy

on drawing teh haht yaoiz  12/16??/15

   It’s hard to draw sex scenes as a virgin since I’ve never had sex in my whole fuckin life. HOWEVER! I’m not drawing SEX. I’m drawing PORN. And porn is the fakest shit you’ll ever find. And luckily, I have quite a bit of experience watching porn so I think I’m doing just fine.

[deardiehardry]

15th entry

[deardiehardry]

14th entry

Dearest diehardry, this pen  12/14

       this pen may/may not leak thru the pen. I mean, they’re pretty shit. Anyhizzie j’ecouté to Maitré Gims. I think rap sounds better in English for some reason, probably cuz c’est un langue plus harsher. Mais some temps, tu veux le langue etre moins cette way, je guess, si tu as un mal au tete ou des merdes. Quelle ever, je vais switcher back apres je finis cette chanson. Je vais switcher a francais parce que mere putain noir-cheveaux beard mec fair un promenade behind moi. Ne peux pas believe j’ai oublier “behind”. Wow donc Papa bless.

      Okay I switched to fuck tha police.

      Yeah Girl.

I wish we had more harsh consonants tho, like in German. WHATEVER

       Je suis broke AF donc ne peux pas start my final project et I look like un lazy fuck. Donc c’est just bueno

I’m worried I’m autisitc shiet  ♡, me