“To send a letter is a good way to go somewhere without moving anything but your heart.” ― Phyllis Theroux
First of all I want to tell you I love you.
There are a number of people close to me who think I am crazy. They don’t understand how I can love you, especially after the way you have treated me since we met. I can say with certainty that I have been nothing but nice to you, but I cannot say the same in return.
What you don’t know is how much you have hurt me over the course of time we have known each other. I was attracted to you the minute I laid eyes on you, but I fell in love with you as soon as you let me see a side of you I wish you showed more often; your human side.
The first few times we were together are some of my favorite moments in college. You made me feel whole and truly happy, two things I can’t remember feeling in a long time. However, being around you has also brought out some of the hardest and most hurtful moments in my life as well.
The first time you truly hurt me was the night you called me from Key West. I was originally thrilled that you wanted to talk to me, but the reason behind your call ruined that ecstasy quickly. I saw a quote once that went something like this “The tongue has no bones, but it’s strong enough to break a heart” and that’s exactly what happened that night.
I look back on that night as a teaching point, something I will share with my daughter when some asshole is doing the same thing to her as you did to me. I’ll tell her I understand what it means to be young and in love. That’s the state I was in when I answered my phone that night, young and in love. I didn’t care that you were drunk or that you were only calling me because you had been kicked out of a bar and had no one else to talk to, or maybe no one else that cared.
In your state of mind that night you thought it was important I knew what a good time you were having on spring break. I was just happy to hear the sound of your voice and thinking about how I wished I had gone somewhere for spring break so that I could be tan and pretty for you. You also felt it was important to share how you were prepared to sleep with some girl you had just met, had she not become violently ill prior to your hookup. I listened to that entire story with a lump in my throat and an icy heart.
The night of that call was the beginning of my hurt, but the pinnacle was the night you told me over text that you were moving to New York after graduation. I had seen you a month earlier and you told me you were going to New York to interview for a job. I had wished you good luck that night, but it was with a lump in my throat. You didn’t have the decency to tell me that you had gotten the job until a month afterwards, after you had graduated and left campus.
I cried so hard after receiving your text that I lost my voice and couldn’t sleep the entire night. I cried even though you had hurt me, even though you had insulted me on a number of occasions, and even
though I knew deep down that you didn’t care about me. Maybe it was because of my innocent hope that the summer was going to give me the opportunity to change all those things. After all, I had taken an internship offer in Chicago because you had insisted you would be going back home after graduation and we would have the summer together.
I came to Chicago that summer and you saw me all of two times and both of them were at my request. You had texted me about how you couldn’t wait for me to get to Chicago and how you missed hanging out with me. Should I have been surprised that you didn’t put in the effort to back up your claims? Both times I met with you I listened to your pretentious dialogue about moving to New York and I could see how highly you thought of yourself. By that point the glaze that had made you perfect in my eyes was wearing off. I began to see you for what you really were.
I started this letter by telling you I love you, not because I want to be with you, but because you need it. I can say that I love you because it comes from a place of caring and not a place of lust or longing. I want you to be happy, whatever happiness means to you. I hope your accomplishments are exactly what you want them to be.
I don’t know how to end this letter, but I found a quote that sums it up pretty well.
“Knowing when to walk away is wisdom, being able to is courage, and walking away with your head held high is dignity.”
