Hey Tumblergh, something world-shifting happened recently that I couldn’t stop blaming myself about. To summarise, I asked about a friend’s final mark to a lecturer (whom she hates) in a hangout with a mutual (whom she also hates) during iftar.
Upon knowing that I talked about her mark, although the mark itself is impressive in nature, she was heartbroken. She felt that I was inconsiderate because I exposed her privacy to people that I was aware she hated. I didn’t have much excuses either to defend myself, I told on her to people she hates.
Though what rubbed me wrong at the time was, she has always believe that I’m a telltale even though I’ve never did it— until recently. “I knew it would happen. I knew it,” she insisted. She said she had a feeling I would do it, to which I snickered internally.
From 2 years ago, she had a feeling.
She never viewed me in a good light. When something bad happened suddenly she was all “I knew it! I’m not surprised!”. It annoyed me, apart from it hurts me of course. When something bad that she always thought didn’t happen, she would always be suspicious anyways. To me, she had been waiting for me to slip up.
Pushing that aside, yes it did happened. I was conscious when I talked about her to the lecturer and our mutual. It just flowed out of my mouth naturally. “May I know, why XXX gets a B+ on her final exam?” I asked. The lecturer did not hesitate, and revealed the reasons. I relayed these reasons to her too by the way, to which she was still apalled by why must I ask.
“If I want to know the reason, I’ll ask him myself!” she said. However, what occured to me why she felt betrayed was not because of the mark itself but due to my invasive nature, asking about her mark directly to the marker vis-a-vis the lecturer without her knowing and my inconsideration towards her privacy by exposing her mark to a mutual she hates.
She was disappointed, and very rightfully angry that her close friend ‘leaked’ her information. My mind was in a haze throughout the fight. I didn’t know what to think, how to stand up for myself and most importantly, I feel shitty. I wish I could turn back time and undo it, but you know what else is shittier?
I telltale on myself lmao.
She wouldn’t have been mad had I kept that to myself, not like she would contact the two people she hated to check on me. I was stupidly honest and dug myself a hole. I shot myself in the foot then cried myself to sleep.
She told me she had always been cautious of me, since she witnessed how I treated our mutuals’ name behind their backs in front of a lecturer. She couldn’t name any specifics, just that she ‘remembered’, much to my disatisfaction.
“You’ve always been the last person I tell anything to. I’m disappointed but not surprised.” she expressed. That really hurts my feelings. As I’ve mentioned above, she has always had this negative perception of me prior to this incident anyways and has been treating me ‘guilty until proven innocent’ so to hear that, I know that if this incident never occurs she wouldn’t change that stance either. Like I said, I firmly believe she has been waiting for me to slip up.
She told me to not to send her any long texts, especially apologetic ones because she do not want to read them and will not be reading them. It was a lot harsher in person, you may never get the gist, but it will forever haunted me. The fight ended soon, at least we just stopped talking.
Now we both need time to cool down, particularly her. Me? I have my playbook. Somehow, I always find myself hurting the people I love the most with my lack of common sense no matter how pure my intention is. When it becomes a recurring pattern- hurting people I love- no matter what the factor is, I always go by the same principle; get off radar.
I learn through the hard way that expressing myself to anyone and at anywhere tends to backfire more than if I just stay quiet. In cases where I, too, is always the villain, being loud gets me marked and open many doors to get attacked.
My playbook suggests that laying low for an extended period of time can help lower that heat people has on me, just like any celebrities during a controversy. Stop interacting and posting makes people forget about me and that can include my past actions.
By the time I resurface, they might still remember them, and even be re-angered by it, but not as heated as if it happened yesterday, do you get what I mean? This is a classic PR move to fix public image, just that I’m appropriating this to somewhat rework my personal image on my friends’ minds.
Right now, I’m technically ‘dead’ everywhere. Removed my dp, about on WhatsApp and X, stopped posting on status and X as well as replying to any personal texts through PMs/DMs and groups. I’m only responding to family and work chats. I took the initiative to mute my friends who I know will trigger my emotions but tonight, I decided to call that off and face the triggers until I get used to it.
Previously, when I was ‘hibernating’, my playbook did not include this extensive Standard of Procedure (SOP). I merely stopped posting, but I find that as I go about in life and more shit happened, my playbook develop into a more detailed set of instructions that I must follow. I’m basically cutting everyone off temporarily, but I’m unsure if they get the memo.
For my close friends especially the one I’m talking about right now, they’re aware of my moves when I’m in dipshit like this. You can say, I’m predictable too but they might never see me going this hard on going off radar. This is the first time I’m completely shutting everyone out and over one person too.
Plus, this is about to go on for a longer period of time than they have witness me going.
Our internship makes it possible for this to happen. I’m planning to go for at least 4 months, just in time for graduation. I might go for longer, or shorter than 4 months but I will see how, depending on the situation.
The reason for the specific period is also because I’m 50-50 on the state of our relationship. Recounting our previous debacles, this is not the first time I messed up and we had a fight. Although we fought for many reasons, most of them had to do with me starting them.
However in my defense, there were many issues which she started that I didn’t bring up because I didn’t want to fight anymore. Had I bring them up, we wouldn’t stop fighting, I think.
By 2025, I have lost a of people. My abandonment issue is getting severe, that I’m running away and detaching before people can leave me first. I’m scared of going through the unfathomable pain again when I’m barely recovering from the last one. Which is why, I’m almost confident that she will leave me too and she will leave me first.
Before that can happen, I’m taking the time in these 4 months to detach myself first.
Although I asked her if she would cut me spontanenously the other day and she said no but she would need time to heal, I don’t want to leave it up to chance. I know there is a high chance she will leave me and I don’t want to take her ‘no’ for granted. I will start the moving on process first.
I have to get used to her absence fast and I have to find something to fulfill me in her absence. I’m trying to get used to the absence of our mutuals too though, I don’t know why I’m cutting everyone off.
I’m just scared, I guess. There is a high chance I can hurt everyone now. So.. I’m better off cutting everyone so no one can get hurt by me. I don’t deserve them anyway.
I’m better alone this way. Right?
