a byproduct of various significant impacts across Celia's life, derealization is a semi frequent occurrence throughout; it began when she was 8, about 3 months after her parents' deaths: prolonged feelings of being apart from the world; of it being wrong in ways she could not put a name to.
before you read further, please be aware that this content contains discussions of suicide attempts, other mental health matters including but not limited to dissociation and depression, medical, physical, and emotional abuse, gaslighting, and medication usage.
this is NOT required reading, and I do not go in depth on these themes in my writing with others on Celia's main blog.
Up until the age of 7 or 8, when Forrest began taking primary care of Celia, few significant problems arose beyond a difficulty in friendships - easily justified by the family's sudden move - and signs of selective mutism, for which her parents both learned and taught Celia American Sign Language and Haiphong Sign Language.
The first dissociation episode on her record was a month and a half following her parents' demise, at which point a stovetop had caught flame to a hastily discarded handtowel. as smoke filled the halls, mimicking the panic of that day, the emotions that quickly rose within her were stifled just as suddenly, replaced with an unbalanced nothingness.
although she initially attempted to speak to Forrest about the issues as they became more pervasive, the conversations were brushed off, the descent of his controlling hand already made inevitable. as her environment became more and more hostile, silences began to stretch for days at a time, then weeks. although she participated in the exercises demanded of her, Celia detached herself, discarding any and all emotions and channeling those she could not into brief exercises of rage for several years. at the age of 12, after killing a peer, her complete isolation from the others whom Forrest had attempted to mold began. in the silence of her own thoughts, every bottled emotion began to tear at the corners of her awareness, forcing their way back in; clinging to her bones in ways she could not control.
she still attended regular enough medical checks that certain medications were introduced - despite Forrest's resistance. trialing various combinations eventually led to a suicide attempt at 17, after which the trialing stopped and she was returned to a previously working prescription.
entrusted with assisting in the raising of Bridget, 5 years old to Celia's 19, the connection between the girls only bound her for several years before she took the risk of escaping at 24, abandoning her 'little sister'; with a distinct lack of significant interpersonal relationships of true depth outside of those ensuring her care, even after she left, Celia could not shake the ever-lingering feeling that she did not belong and was entirely alone.
while struggling to survive on her own within a system that she had no experience or recollection beyond what had been necessary to her ability to carry out the various jobs Forrest sent her on, disorientation threatened to swallow her whole. the first few weeks, while hectic, were at least manageable largely because of how occupied she was with survival. as she began to find some semblance of routine however, the effects of withdrawal from her medications and dissociation hit with full force.
this is when David found her.
he treated her akin to how one might a stray cat; luring with food and warmth until enough trust had been gained that she might willingly come with him... and it worked. his perceived kindness, a warmth offered as chill had settled deep in her bones alongside disorientation, struggling against the numbness that threatened to consume her, was a brief balm. even going so far as to find sufficient equivalent medications to help ease the disorientation.
for a time, he treated her well - while there were bouts of rage aplenty, they had always been directed elsewhere; items thrown or broken nearby, first leaving little impression, but slowly reacted to in a minute flexing of Celia's fingers. it did not take long for the rage to progress more often her way; he never laid a finger on her - knew that she could break it, knew that she would break it, having seen her startle response numerous times when others surprised her. instead, he would disturb her medication routine, neglecting to purchase what she needed or was accustomed to or simply withholding them. taking advantage when her irrational behaviors re-arose by twisting her words and the truth, insisting that she was incorrectly remembering or overly emotional. more and more often, dissociation became a retreat from the chaos, and with no resources that she knew how to access, particularly as he kept them constantly on the move, it took 2 years before Celia finally ran.
although her road to recovery and addressing the symptoms she dealt with began after leaving David, it would still take 15 or so years before any semblance of stability truly took hold for Celia. the following 4 years were especially tumultuous as Celia attempted to gain some semblance of a foothold within the realms of work that the i.e. and David both continued to function in. Finding Francisco again and finding him a worthy confidante, Celia was able to create some kind of stability on which to begin attempting to fix her broken parts. As Cisco assisted her in managing and sometimes completing jobs, he likewise put Celia in touch with a doctor he knew who would be willing to assist her in obtaining the medical necessities to maintain her mental stability.
Of course, medication could only do so much, but for the time before David's reappearance, Celia finally seemed well rooted. money came in, as did favors and a growing community on which she could rely on. still, her paranoia remained a large issue, and when unprepared for chaos, even the sound of shattering glass was liable to trigger a dissociative reaction. her mental state would only deteriorate when David finally made contact - an arrogant showing of his hand, having been approached and recruited by Forrest following her independence, accompanied by the revelation of a daughter Celia was unaware had been created in her absence.
adrenaline only managed to hold the void at bay until she'd slit his throat.
Francisco found her shortly thereafter, far too long a length of time having elapsed since their last contact. Once she had suitably recovered from the conflict, still facing emotional flashbacks and dissociation when attempting to formulate any kind of plan to free her sister and so-called daughter from Forrest's grasp, Cisco did his best to coordinate what information they had gathered and might further access.
once enough reconnaissance had been performed, Francisco, Celia, and a close friend of Cisco's who had become acquainted with Celia, Jer, coordinated a precision attack on the i.e. that would result in Forrest's death and the freedom of Cassandra, Celia's daughter. Absent from the compound were Bridget, away on a mission, and Nolan, who had retired years earlier.
before you read further, please be aware that this content contains discussions of suicide attempts, other mental health matters including but not limited to dissociation and depression, medical, physical, and emotional abuse, gaslighting, and medication usage.
this is NOT required reading, and I do not go in depth on these themes in my writing with others on Celia's main blog.
Depersonalization: Experiences of unreality, detachment, or being an outside observer with respect to one's thoughts, feelings, sensations, body, or actions (e.g., perceptual alterations, distorted sense of time, unreal or absent self, emotional and/or physical numbing).
Derealization: Experiences of unreality or detachment with respect to surroundings (e.g., individuals or objects are experienced as unreal, dreamlike, foggy, lifeless, or visually distorted.)
Around the age of age 8, Celia began to have recurring headaches and moments of dissociation from both the world and herself. although they initially remained as small bursts of unreality and detachment, these minute episodes began to grow, more consistently reaching further into her psyche and lasting longer each time. although the episodes themselves were disorienting, the worst came afterwards as Celia feared their return and turned to hypervigilance; ever aware of her own perception and grasp of the world around her, her reactivity towards any potential threat or surprise increased multifold.
Presentation of this hypervigilance and fear included paranoia and disproportionate reactions to startling stimuli, be it unexpected while she was present or a breach of her dissociative state that quickly turned to reactivity. Her reactions to sudden events also evolved over time to include not only the triggering of dissociation, particularly in situations from which she could not flee, but also sudden shifts of mood, often towards anger and potential violence.
These symptoms persist for most of her life, only beginning to ease following the destruction of the i.e. and her reunion and resolution with Bridget - however, following 'scatter what remains,' cracks begin to show as the full extent of her emotional damage surfaces in the safety she has found.
Common Symptoms per Arc:
weapons do not weep.
heavy dissociation, largely depersonalization within the i.e.'s control & largely derealization under David's control.
hypervigilance throughout, but even moreso post-i.e. and while aligned with David.
avoidance and isolation.
inconsistent sleep patterns.
selective mutism, particularly under the i.e.'s control.
no gods no masters.
derealization
hypervigilance & reactivity
engaging in reckless and self-endangering behavior often under the pretense of cutting off her dissociative symptoms.
no gods no masters > for all of the light.
extreme hypervigilance and reactivity in the interim before fighting Bridget.
for all of the light.
inconsistent sleep patterns.
increased instances of selective mutism.
fractures in the facade, emotions beyond rage beginning to seep through for longer before the dissociation kicks in.
decreasing lengths of dissociative periods - emotions becoming overwhelming.
scatter what remains.
impulsivity.
resurgence of reckless behavior, placing herself in harm's way.
swallowing sunbeams.
periodic return of inconsistent sleep patterns.
frequent emotional bleed leading to short, inconsistent periods of isolation.
frequent emotional bleed that may lead to emotional expressions followed by dissociation for brief periods of time.
occasional episodes of hypervigilance.
brief moments of dissociation, most commonly derealization.
