indulgent scheme MY LONG THOUGHTS AND my interpretation of caleb's “i can’t always pretend it’s about you”
warning: long text and image heavy post. like it's LOOOONG.
first ill just talk about the story overall (skip way down if you wanna skip to the whole interpretation of "i can’t always pretend it’s about you” line.
INCREDIBLE main timeline relationship development for calebmc—particularly for caleb who we see be extremely self aware, selfless AND selfish, vulnerable, and forthcoming
also a lot of main story allusions & cute slice of life moments, where they’re just an “ordinary couple, walking down the same snow-covered street as everyone else”
indulgent scheme felt like it took a lot of caleb’s most prevalent themes and wove them into one beautiful (spicy and emotional) story.
their relationship itself has come leaps and bounds and you can see it so clearly in this memory.
there’s not as much hesitation when defining their relationship to others, comfort ability in pda in front of others, but also just a lack of shyness when it comes to flirting and just being intimate with each other.
not even going to get into how comfortable they were being physically intimate in the kindled, that speaks for itself
and all their growth in their relationship has been the foundation caleb needed to be so much more vulnerable—especially in front of mc. even mc herself says they don’t usually speak this forwardly
he’s not only more honest about what’s happening with the fleet (when asked) but he displays such a profound openness with his emotions.
mc even notes he discusses an “embarrassing” story about himself like he was sharing someone else’s story (the DAA snow story).
he’s more comfortable being selfish, asking for more (kindled as well). he’s less scared to confess to mc that he knows how selfish it is of him—to want to stay by her side but constantly allow himself to be pulled away.
he can’t say that everything he does as caleb and colonel caleb is for her. though they might be tied to her, caleb has his own agenda at play now. and it takes him away from her.
he asks if, knowing that, she can still love him the same. the way he needs to be loved. (more on this particular line further down)
i think DEFINITELY, this part of indulgent scheme is one of the most profound and core moments. where caleb and mc find new ground in their relationship—somewhat redefining it due to changes in their dynamic and seemingly, caleb’s life with the fleet.
it’s the fact that caleb even feels like he can admit this to mc—and risk her maybe thinking she can’t depend on him as much. risk her being put off that maybe he is not as absorbed in her as she is in him.
it’s the WAY mc responds. there’s almost no doubt. all she asks is “is it the REAL caleb telling me this?”
not only does this show the depth and distance their relationship has gone, but it also alludes so much to what will be happening in caleb’s next main story update.
as do liam’s constant calls, the patrolcraft that was attacked, caleb’s own craft being attacked when he tried to retrieve the data left by the patrolcraft, and the pawn (and who they belonged to) that was destroyed.
and our precious baby mc, she is everything. she is PERFECT for caleb. she matches his freak in a way that allows him to grow, to be more selfish (god knows he deserves to be), to be…himself
she knows when to comfort him, when to accept him, when to demand more, when to HERSELF be selfish.
i cannot help but think, if caleb did not have mc he would truly be lost. indulgent scheme really showcased how mc brings outs the best in caleb
she knows how to coax it out of him, even and especially through the rough wall he’s crafted around himself. it used to keep everyone out, including her
one of my fav moments of the memory happens to be one where i think mc IS being selfish.
just before the eat hotpot, mc guesses that caleb is disappointed to see her fridge fully stocked with vegetables, that she’s taking care of herself in his absence. of course, he says he’s relieved that she is. like why would she even think he wouldn’t want that?
it felt like she was hoping he’d be disappointed. she was being selfish in hoping that he would also be selfish—rather her neglect herself in her absence than be capable of taking care of herself. that he’d EXPECT her to need him so badly.
she WANTED him to want that. (freak to his freak is an understatement)
when they’re eating hotpot (which btw…my heart) she asks when he will come back, that she can’t finish all the vegetables by herself. once again, the vegetables.
to me, it very much felt like her saying “i can’t take care of myself.” and of course, by CAN’T, i mean she doesn’t WANT to. she wants caleb to be there, to take care of herself so she doesn’t have to.
but of course, she can’t say that. not directly. she doesn’t want to burden him so heavily.
i really was so happy to see calebmc interacting with gideon again (and even seeing gideon be so down-bad and happy)
after crease, their friendship felt…up in the air. it’s so dang sweet to be able to see them STILL be friends. to see caleb still do small things all for the sake of his friends (using his evol to let gideon win, cooking for his friends)
and we get almost-confirmation that caleb DOES intend to reunite with his DAA friends eventually.
i felt there was some small callbacks to floating floraletter.
the whole admitting every time he goes to the deepspace tunnel he fully prepares for the possibility of NEVER coming back reminds me a lot of in FF he said he lives with the possibility of “accidents” and how he writes goodbye letters before every mission
but on their ski trip, when caleb talks about fate and challenges not stopping him from getting something he wants back reminds me a lot of caleb’s resolve by the end of floating floraletter, where we saw him DETERMINED to come back to mc
it lowkey makes me think that he may have faced another FF like accident in which it scared him enough to change his outlook on things—be more vulnerable.
it wouldn’t be out of the question, since we know he was in the tunnel and there were several accidents in the tunnel.
i also felt like an important theme of indulgent scheme was PROMISES. there was a lot of sincere and really endearing promises made. and as we know with caleb, they are genuine. he fully intends to keep them.
they make so many promises to each other, and when it comes from caleb it’s just a really heart warming sign. after rain’s embrace, when he wouldn’t even promise to take her to skyhaven for a small vacation (since it appeared he didn’t know if he’d be around to do so), whenever caleb makes a promise it feels VERY genuine—that it WILL happen.
just like how caleb says “keeping my promise to be home on time mattered more than hiding how messy i looked.”
he goes out of his ways to make sure his promises remain unbroken. and these…should be no different.
especially, the promise to build her a garden…their own personal paradise in THIS world. they have a few, the shelter, their grandmother’s rebuilt home, but none that they built and REALLY share together in THIS version of their relationship, where the atmosphere looks vastly different than before.
and lastly, memory and loss of memory seemed to be a poignant topic (though brief) in indulgent scheme
it def feels like a sprinkling of the angst we will see in his next main story or maybe even his third myth
i don’t know too much what to make of this, i have already speculated a LOT bout the toring chip, caleb’s relationship with it, and it’s impact on emotions/memories in my passionate overload thoughts so i won’t beat this dead horse TOO much
but i think this will come back :(
i do really think caleb controls the chip more than it controls him. but i do think it’s very likely we will soon see that NOT be the case.
this part in indulgent scheme REALLY made me think of his recent birthday letter.
“…the words i always want to say never seem to line up with the moments i can actually say them.”
“saying it [i miss you] to you in person isn’t easy.”
every part of caleb is so intentional. passing phrases written in his merch translate to moments we see in his in-game content. his vulnerability is so realistically and effortlessly showcased in all variants of his content.
he is everything and more.
cr. @/millecreupe on x for photo and translation!
moving onto...
my interpretation of caleb's “i can’t always pretend it’s about you”
let’s talk about this line.
in cn. it says “我不能自私地说, 这些离开的理由全都与你有关”
which more closely translates to “i can’t selfishly say all my reasons for leaving are all because of you.”
the ‘IT’ in english sounds ambiguous, whereas in chinese there is no ‘it.’ he directly says what he is referring to that he cannot say its all because of her—which is “all my reasons for leaving.”
in english, it sounds like “i can’t pretend everything i do is always about you.”
[ADDED ON after posting on twitter] IT’S IMPORTANT TO NOTE, in chinese it specifically says “自私地说” which means “selfishly SAY.” 说 means to say or speak. no where in chinese does caleb say PRETEND which is an important distinction.
the main differences between the meanings is due the latter part of the sentence (all my reasons for leaving are because of you vs it’s because of you) but pretend vs say in the context of caleb (someone who habitually lies/bends the truth—however you want to look at it) is very important
anyways.
first, i think it’s important to say that english doesn’t connect the sentence structure well. technically he DOES say the same thing in english as he does in chinese. how?
let’s break up the dialogue.
[1: i want to stay by your side, I really do.] [2: But I keep leaving because I need to deal with matters by myself.] [3: I can’t pretend it’s always about you.]
the ‘it’ in phrase 3 has to be referring to a phrase before it, since it doesn’t explain what ‘it’ is in the phrase itself. so phrase 1 OR 2.
if you assume it is referring to phrase 1, then it reads like “I want to stay by your side, I really do, but it’s not always about you.”
if you assume it refers to phrase 2, it reads like “I keep leaving because I have matters to deal with, I can’t pretend these matters are always about you.”
and because they split up the lines, it makes it even MORE ambiguous to which part he is referring to. splitting these lines causes the emphasis on the second line (phrase 3) to be really heavy and read as standalone, aka the common english insult “not everything is about you,”
if they’d kept all 3 phrases together, it’s easier and more logical to assume phrase 3 would refer to the phrase right before it, which would be phrase 2. but because they split the dialogue up, it could be mistaken to refer to either one.
but because of the chinese, we can assume that he is referring to phrase 2 and not phrase 1. so again, when he says “it’s” he means when he said “i keep leaving because i need to deal with matters by myself.”
in chinese (and i assume the kr and jp), there isn’t this discrepancy because he directly says what he is referring to, and we don’t have to assume which part. he says “i can’t say all my reasons for leaving are always about you” and not just “i can’t say it’s always about you”
so he’s saying “not everything [all my reasons for leaving — referring to the phrase 2 of the preceding line] are about you” and not “not everything [i do — how it’d read as a standalone line or as referring to phrase 1 of the preceding line] is about you”
but even this line in chinese is really heavy and confusing. so how do i interpret it?
most obviously, i think caleb wants to alleviate any guilt he thinks mc might hold. up until this point, we have thought (and i think mc too) that EVERYTHING caleb does, is for her. i think mc also thinks this to be true, you can see this when she expects caleb to be disappointed she’s taking care of herself and stocked up on fresh veggies, when in reality he’s like ??? i’m relieved you take care of yourself when i’m gone.
rightfully so, because i actually do think this is true. i still think everything he does is for her, even despite this line, and ill explain why in the reply after this one.
but in thinking that everything he does is because of and for her, that also means anything that happens to him, also is because of and for her.
and seemingly, with the recent attacks happening in the deepspace tunnel it seems caleb’s been in danger more frequently. and mc knows that, especially after the voicemail with liam where he reveals caleb was attacked by SSS wanderers.
so i think caleb is taking the guilt off of her. this lowkey alludes to the fact that something might happen to him soon, similar to rain’s embrace. it’s like he’s PREPARING for the possibility that something will happen soon, and he doesn’t want mc to blame herself.
but that’s just a thought.
here’s where it gets a biiit more complex.
i think caleb is playing with his words again. i think they have double meaning. fitting for him, he tends to do this a lot where his words have multiple meanings, all of which have truth to them.
he’s not lying, but he’s bending the truth.
caleb is essentially saying “not all my reasons for leaving” (seems to be Ever and Fleet related missions) are because of mc. he says it’d be selfish for him to claim so.
so you could interpret that he’s saying “many of the reasons i leave, are for me. i am doing them for me. i want to do them. i have my own needs, wants, and desires.”
again, he’s not lying. but, this can be interpreted as “not all the reasons i leave are DIRECTLY because of you.” but that DOESN’T MEAN they aren’t tied to her.
everything caleb does is related to mc. they’re not directly because of her, and thus, if something happens to him she shouldn’t blame herself.
so he’s kind of saying “sometimes i leave [on these missions] for myself.”
here’s where the double meaning comes into play.
mcs best interest will always be caleb’s best interest. his personal needs, wants, and desires ARE almost all regarding mc.
anything in caleb’s best interest (what HE deems to be his best interest) is also in mcs best interest. because, caleb’s best interest is to protect mc at all costs, even at the cost of himself.
so when caleb says “it’s not always because of you” i interpret that as “sometimes, its because of other things. because of me. i sometimes leave because I NEED to. i want to. because its in MY best interest.”
but as i’ve mentioned, caleb’s best interest IS mc’s safety and happiness. his best interest IS mc.
so he’s essentially admitting “hey, sometimes i leave because i have things i want and need to do for myself. don’t feel guilty, okay?”
but he says that because he hopes it’ll make her feel better. because in reality, i think everything he does WILL ALWAYS be tied to her—it will ALWAYS have to do with her.
almost all the things he does for himself, he does it because of mc. yeah, he needs to protect her. not because she asked or she wanted him to. but because HE needs to do that, for HIMSELF. by protecting mc, he protects himself. by making mc happy, he is making himself happy.
but when he says it this way, it’s not a lie, but it’s not the exact truth either. and this way, he hopes mc won’t feel guilty.
here are some translations that helped me better understand this line:
romaincrisis
stormborns
baratheonpilled
snowghoul
2087
jbbartram-illu
titsay
annaxmalina
