❝ WHAT IF I FELT LIKE HANNAH DID ? BECAUSE I HAVE MOM . I ACTUALLY HAVE . ❞
for most of his life zach had been fairly happy . at times he did feel a lot of pressure to succeed because of his cultural upbringing . he always felt like he needed to make his parents proud by getting the best grades , participating in different clubs & being a star athlete . while this did give him a lot of stress , his friends often made sure to help him unwind from time to time . ( because of this he felt like he owned them & he became very afraid of losing them , resulting in going along with most of their shenanigans even when he wasn’t comfortable with them . ) it was only after his dad died that he started to actually experience feelings of depression .
the summer that his father died is also the summer that hannah & him started their relationship . zach drew a lot of support from hannah when this happened , which is also why that relationship became so important for him . hannah never judged him for feeling sad , always trying to cheer him up just like he had done to her that time at rosie’s diner . but she also listened . he could talk for hours about his memories involving his father . he told her about the pressure he felt to always come out on top , about how difficult it was to connect with his mother , that he hated that she didn’t want to talk about her husband . he confided in hannah & managed to stay with his head above water because of it .
after hannah broke up with him , which he obviously blamed himself for , he started to drown in his emotions of grief . he no longer had someone to help him through it . ( zach felt like his friends wouldn’t understand , so he never tried to confide in them . ) this is when his depression was popping its head up more and more . he never actually thought of suicide at this time , but he did feel empty most of the time . like there was no real use in trying . for the most part he was pretty good at hiding it , always having been fairly soft spoken . people didn’t question it when he was quiet , because that was just zach .
then hannah killed herself . he didn’t need to hear the tapes to start blaming himself . as soon as he heard the news , he flashed back to that summer . maybe if he hadn’t been a coward , if he had fought for her , she would still be alive . this is when his depression was the worst . constantly blaming himself paired with the grief of losing both his dad & hannah , he felt absolutely miserable . he thought that maybe if he wasn’t there anymore , he would never cause anyone else the kind of pain hannah felt because of him . receiving the tapes didn’t make it much better . ( it did give him something else to focus on . )
not long after , alex shot himself . zach felt the same as he did when he heard what happened to hannah . he blamed himself for not being there for him , for not noticing the signs after having seen them on someone else once before , after showing them himself . that’s also when he realized that suicide was never an option . it only hurts all the people around you . so he vowed to himself to do better . to help alex in a way he could never help hannah .
during the trials he admitted to his mom that he had felt like hannah had . he purposely made the remark in past tense , knowing his mother would have been even worse to deal with if he admitted to still feeling that way . while his thoughts of suicide had subsided , his feelings of emptiness had remained . he thinks they’ll never really go away . he’s trying , but recovering takes time . he continues to help alex & trying to make hannah proud .
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