A recovery blog

[deconstructed-paradise]

Hello. For my name, you may call me Lucy. I’m an adult. 

Please pardon any typos. I am working with a text to speech currently due to nerve damage. I may have other symptoms that the hospital has not yet determined. Please be patient with me. 

I have two children. Their names will not be shared online. 

If you have found this blog and know me in person, please do not interact with it. This is a space for me to try and recover without harming you. 

[deconstructed-paradise]

OOC Notes:

-This blog has extremely heavy themes of the fallout of child abuse. Do not follow if you're not prepared to handle that.

-There's also going to be some strong themes of mental illness, and in particular, attempting to maintain and repair relationships when you have a mental illness that causes unpredictable mood swings.

-Lucy has an eating disorder, and her daughter has body dysmorphia. The dysmorphia will be lightly touched on, while Lucy's eating disorder is described in more detail, and largely consists of her believing that she doesn't deserve to eat.

-Pelipper mail is currently off. If things go okay, I will allow light pelipper mail, which is to say, only things you could literally fit in a mailbox. Magic anons are also off.

-Applicable content warnings with tags are: cw eating disorder, cw child abuse, cw suggestive, cw ableism.

[deconstructed-paradise]

You never realize how much of gender is a performance until you retreat from the public eye and stop plucking your eyebrows and realize you're nonbinary

[deconstructed-paradise]

…maybe?

It might just be unintentional though.

Maybe being transgender just makes people that much happier, and they want to share that.

[orretrainer654]

“As a trans person I can confirm.”

[deconstructed-paradise]

I haven't been doing this... trans thing for very long. And I'm not sure if I'm doing it well. But that seems about right.

[orretrainer654]

“Lemme let you in on a lil trans secret.”

“None of us know if we’re doing it well!”

“We do it because it feels GOOD!”

[deconstructed-paradise]

....I haven't been the kindest person, though, nor the most accepting.

I figured it out when I was a kid. But then... I was... I think the term is, forced back into the closet. I was convinced that I had just been confused, that I needed to accept myself, my true self, the one ordained for me by biology, and I leaned into it until I didn't know what feelings were really mine. I was bitter. I lashed out at people who had what I didn't.

[orretrainer654]

“Join the club kiddo. A lot of people lash out when they’re forced into things. Hells, some transphobes are just closeted trans people with internalized transphobia.”

“My point is, it doesn’t matter if you weren’t a good person while you were in the closet. Don’t focus on the then! Focus on the now. Because that’s what matters.”

[deconstructed-paradise]

Please do not refer to me as kiddo. I have two children who are over adventuring age, and I myself am in my forties.

[deconstructed-paradise]

…maybe?

It might just be unintentional though.

Maybe being transgender just makes people that much happier, and they want to share that.

[orretrainer654]

“As a trans person I can confirm.”

[deconstructed-paradise]

I haven't been doing this... trans thing for very long. And I'm not sure if I'm doing it well. But that seems about right.

[orretrainer654]

“Lemme let you in on a lil trans secret.”

“None of us know if we’re doing it well!”

“We do it because it feels GOOD!”

[deconstructed-paradise]

....I haven't been the kindest person, though, nor the most accepting.

I figured it out when I was a kid. But then... I was... I think the term is, forced back into the closet. I was convinced that I had just been confused, that I needed to accept myself, my true self, the one ordained for me by biology, and I leaned into it until I didn't know what feelings were really mine. I was bitter. I lashed out at people who had what I didn't.

[deconstructed-paradise]

…maybe?

It might just be unintentional though.

Maybe being transgender just makes people that much happier, and they want to share that.

[orretrainer654]

“As a trans person I can confirm.”

[deconstructed-paradise]

I haven't been doing this... trans thing for very long. And I'm not sure if I'm doing it well. But that seems about right.

[deconstructed-paradise]

What is your favorite flower?

Didn't you already ask me this one? It's clovers. I told you that.

[deconstructed-paradise]

…maybe?

It might just be unintentional though.

Maybe being transgender just makes people that much happier, and they want to share that.

[deconstructed-paradise]

Is there some sort of gender welcoming committee on this website that organizes egg cracking parties and sends "you're allowed to transition" anons en masse whenever someone here says something less than cisgender?

[anotherscreed]

honestly I wouldn't be surprised

they also tend to send estrogen (or testosterone I assume if you don't already have that) and like, I appreciate the thought but I'm gonna donate it to someone who'll actually use it-

[deconstructed-paradise]

I've actually started microdosing on T, after some consideration. I would say I've had a bit of a redistribution of fat, and some skin texture changes, but mostly I just feel... more like myself. It feels good to have a balance.

[deconstructed-paradise]

No, I think a lot of people on here are just transgender.

....that makes sense.

It's hard to say, with everything else, but... I think it was good for me, to figure out that I was nonbinary. Because I was forced back into the closet, forcibly gendered, and letting myself be something else helped me... sort through those feelings, helped me understand my own autonomy better.

[deconstructed-paradise]

Is there some sort of gender welcoming committee on this website that organizes egg cracking parties and sends "you're allowed to transition" anons en masse whenever someone here says something less than cisgender?

[chaos-cousins]

sometimes i wish I wasn't limited to just being a dude

like its fine and all and I do drag and shit but it feels so stifling sometimes

[remastered-fate]

You can do something about that you know.

[chaos-cousins]

Yeah but it sounds like so much fucking work and like. I dunno i dont really want to be a girl and I like being masculine

[deconstructed-paradise]

I think... you are allowed to be something else if you like. You can keep whatever parts of masculinity you like, and simply be... someone who is not a boy. No need to undergo surgery or even get a new name or pronouns, just... decide for yourself.

[deconstructed-paradise]

What is your favorite flower?

I'm probably supposed to say something elegant with symbolism, like lilies or gladiolus. But I like clover the best. It's hardy and it makes flower crowns for children, and... it was a sort of reminder that you can still carve out joy from your life.

[deconstructed-paradise]

It's my second year at Pride. I.... well, my mobility isn't very good still, despite the physical therapy, but I want to go.

I want to find more trans people who have gone through pregnancy like me. Trying to separate motherhood from womanhood.

[deconstructed-paradise]

you thought you would be invited? were there gender developments you haven't shared with the class?

I'm still some sort of nonbinary individual who happens to look like a woman for the sake of convenience. I just...

I'm excluded from the family that I created. It hurts.

[skyfire-the-watcher]

Well did you perhaps cause harm to this family, and forget that this family are their own people with own thoughts and opinions and they can choose on whether to invite you or not?

Though I guess I understand the hurt part. But you can always make friends. Start anew

[deconstructed-paradise]

Do you have anything helpful to contribute to the conversation? Anything I don't know? Do you even understand what this blog is for?

[skyfire-the-watcher]

I mean if you can hanging out with friends does help. And I do understand it hurts a lot to feel unwanted, even knowing why it still hurts.

Just that your wording of 'creating the family' comes off as rather odd. As someone who has bad bio parents I have heard similar sentiments.

[deconstructed-paradise]

Do you know why my daughter can never find this blog?

Because she would forgive me in an instant if she did. And I don't want that. Whatever... that relationship was, it wasn't healthy. It felt codependent, parasitic. I need her to not forgive me, so that she can forgive herself. But I also need a place where I can figure out how to get better.

No, my womb does not excuse my actions. But if you have not carried a child for those nine months, then it is not your place to judge my feelings.

[deconstructed-paradise]

you thought you would be invited? were there gender developments you haven't shared with the class?

I'm still some sort of nonbinary individual who happens to look like a woman for the sake of convenience. I just...

I'm excluded from the family that I created. It hurts.

[skyfire-the-watcher]

Well did you perhaps cause harm to this family, and forget that this family are their own people with own thoughts and opinions and they can choose on whether to invite you or not?

Though I guess I understand the hurt part. But you can always make friends. Start anew

[deconstructed-paradise]

Do you have anything helpful to contribute to the conversation? Anything I don't know? Do you even understand what this blog is for?

[deconstructed-paradise]

you thought you would be invited? were there gender developments you haven't shared with the class?

I'm still some sort of nonbinary individual who happens to look like a woman for the sake of convenience. I just...

I'm excluded from the family that I created. It hurts.

[deconstructed-paradise]

They're celebrating Father's Day. Making plans for it, rather. And I am not invited.