I miss the way you loved me . How sweet and caring you were, you always wanted to be around me or doing things together, we would text eachother after just leaving your house wanting to run back to one another. The way you would attack me as soon as we were alone somewhere. Cuddling in bed, watching you do your crafts or write in your journal or playing games with you, all of your smells of you. The way you would laugh and smile so big and stare at me with those big brown eyes , like you really loved me. Those moments were everything to me and then I took them for granted and lost you and you gave me chances and I failed you.
I would give anything for one more of those days with you right now. I know well and good someone else, hopefully better, will take my place but just know I’ll always answer if you ever reach out. It hurts loving you this fucking much knowing I’ll never get it back from you again. All those months alone just wishing to talk to you for one minute, losing my mind, losing everything because I was too weak and on my sad depressed boy shit to turn life the other way. But now things are going good and I think you’d proud of me. I pray everyday your healthy and happy and safe and having fun and joy and making beautiful things and memories. All I ever wanted was for you to choose me, I took for granted the day would come where you truly stopped.
I love you HoneyBee. Probably always will , but maybe I’m just being dramatic and you’ll eventually become a dull pain but still a hurtful memory when you inevitably pop up. Or maybe heats from now we’ll be on our cottage farm house porch and I’ll catch your eyes and I can smugly kinda smirk and say “ I told you you were the love of my life and it would be you damnit”.
I know I won’t see that day. But damn I could put out some great writing from all the things I wrote about/ to you, painting stories and various versions of lives lived you and I . I keep going and going silently knowing it’s for no other reason other than to subdue my own lack of will to live any other kind of life other than one that involves you which sounds crazy to many I guess and that’s cool and I’d love to see the world and meet a bunch of cool people, I don’t need platonic sex, but I can have and do all of that but it means nothing essentially to me if you’re not by my side. So what does a man do , right now? I mean I’m just gonna keep growing and doing me and carrying hope, but hopefully less of this aching pain every fucking day. I just want things to be lighter, a little easier to breathe and relax my shoulders and sit down and not pace the house or go full OCD clean mode every single day because your nervous system is completely withdrawing and shot out . Fucking sucks, especially knowing it’s was my own damn fault . And remembering how much you cared for me at one time and how much fun we used to have and how close and connected we were, fuck man.
