reconscious @dehya-selei - Tumblr Blog

end of a nova

i remember sitting with him at the park bench. nova, tall dark and handsome, a sly salesman. air humid, slightly cool, with faint sounds of cicadas. the sexy feel of freshly shaven beard stubs brushing sensually against my hands.

telling him, it's hard to trust...

if it burns brightly... it ends quickly.

i look at him. kissing my arms, staring at me seductively with half closed eyes. he reassures me, there are all kinds of people in the world, but in the end of the day you need to take a leap of faith and trust.

it burned brightly, it ended just as quickly.

infj + enfj

Met someone 2 weeks ago. Mainly just chatting so far via text and video chat. He is extremely creative and engaging to interact with. He is an enfj and I am an infj. I've never met an enfj male love interest before, but he fits me like a glove. I've never had an interaction feel this easy, whimsical and full of warmth. I am being careful, in case it is love bombing, but the emotional availability from him is off the charts compared to what i've had in the past. However, I had times where I feel the need to retreat into my introvert cave and shut off all interaction with him, in order to come back to him as a better version of myself - but I don't want to ruin the rapport? But I compromise, and slow down my texting while still keeping in touch, and I let him know when my introvert cave emerges from the ground.

One thing different from him and this interaction, is that, I don't feel as afraid or scared. I'm not anxious, but at the same time, I really really like him. No limerence... or not yet. Yet, I kind of feel like, he is perfect for me...

One thing I wonder though, is would he be okay with silence sometimes 😂? Like if we were together, would he allow us to not talk? But he says he likes introverts so... hopefully he knows what he's getting into.

the calm depression

these are actually the days where i kind of don't have any philosophical thoughts running through my head

but i don't feel myself either

dispassionate resignation

realizing the hormonal shift, and yet

is this real or just real intensified

naval gazing, and yet, can't help i feel this way

hoping writing would help

then i wonder, what would actually help

and then nothing comes to mind

apathy, yet not the usual cognitive pain

when was i excited about something?

talking to a friend about something, learning languages

admiration for novelty

something to look forward to

didn't someone say depression is also a subtraction from feeling pleasure how you normally would for certain things?

guess i got used to the cognitively painful one. the one where i can't think straight, the one where my mind is destroyed.

but, now it's, i can think straight, and it's kind of scary. not great, but perhaps better than dysfunctional brain. just don't know if everything losing it's color and flavor is quite alright either.

is this how it is going to be? choose one pain over the over?

am i always running away from someone/something.

well, i sang this song today, and it reminded me, i just want to fly.

Have you ever felt like

Your soul needs a place to settle

But it has been a drift for a very long time

Unable to lay it down

Because there was never a place

Always holding up something

Can't rest yet

Not until, the soul

Doesn't have to keep moving

In order to one day, be able to rest

do it for her

what should i write.

another night.

meet with my inner child again.

she's curled in my bed.

tear stained eyes.

hold her hair behind her ears.

"i don't know how you do it"

phantom feeling.

everything i've longed for in nostalgia.

was never really, ever there, like i needed it to be.

and somewhere my memory had filled in the gaps

of sensation where i shouldn't felt

something

tender

something

eye to eye, heart to heart, hand to bones

has anyone ever felt this way?

like a kid crying in the desert

looking at every other kid

tripping on a log, but their parents were there

to tell them everything will be okay

If you’re going to overthink, imagine things working out too.

..

Memories of memories

crazy people

interestingly, i've 'fixed' some of the ongoing severe depressive baseline i used to go in occasionally throughout dietary changes. i've become extremely aware of the different states i go in. one day i'm fine, the next day i want to give up on everything. it's all to do with my biology. i do what i can to manage, and how to cope on the bad days. and i find on the bad days when my body is failing me, i crave people, i crave touch and tenderness. it reminded me of a version of myself, needy and dependent on others to stabilize my mood. it's messy. and a reminder that, the unfortunately reality, a lot of people we find crazy out there or are doing crazy things, just trying to cope with something that they have no control over happening to them. life is weird like that. and so, i do need to show more compassion as well. let go of that anger i have at times. we all feel pain, and the more fucked up someone is, probably they have it hard to. this includes the people who hurt me.

by nitefise-art (OP had double the image, so manually pasting it here to conserve real estate)

my own garden

but one thing that has expanded in my mind, is living. different ways to live, difference ways to experience life. things i thought i could only find in a another person, but it's within me embracing new experiences that now feel like sharing with a friend, within myself.

i took me a long time, to understand what it means to love yourself. and that was only possible until i started living with myself, creating my own gardens and sanctuaries.

it was made clear the things that stood in the way of loving myself was always beside me, my own mother. i love my mother, but she made my mind a hell to live in. i was never allowed to be happy so long as she was dissatisfied with something. it's strange knowing the person you love did shitty things, but you don't see them as a shitty person. the things that have happened to me, shaped me in ways where i need to talk about them or i'd go crazy. and people don't understand, what's that like, spending so much energy hiding what you think and feel, especially the real, honest talks. you become a bad person if you talk about these things.

my own body now experience, life is worth living beyond finding a partner to make it livable? i mean, hopefully do find them, but sometimes the pressure makes it hard to focus on other aspects in life that make things pleasurable, meaningful and impactful. those times burdened by mental illness, makes life seem like it's to survive and find a salve for the pain.

if there's anything i've had a lot of experience in, it's suffering.

and so, i've become quick at, pulling into internal resources to escape the pain. little breaks. try not to always think about it. and then i think about it because i know, you'll lose touch with yourself if you don't. then i go back to forgetting.

theoptia

Anaïs Nin, from The Early Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 4: 1927-1931

Text ID: I must build up a strong world within myself, so rich and so full that it will be enough. I must find all things in myself, create them. I must reach my own climaxes of strength and creation with my work.

dehya-selei

how else do i escape this hell that others keep trying to put me in

hatin

I wish i could just let go and forget everything and move the fuck on but it’s so hard

dehya-selei

i try everyday. but the people around me won't allow it.

One of the more depressive start of luteal phases. Cry because my head feels sad sometimes.

It's times like these in my emotional lows, I wonder if I'm more in touch with my true emotions, or they are amplified or both. Sometimes within an hour, I feel better and my personality changes. I try to be the person full of creativity and energy for ideas. I remember in the past, I could look in the mirror and smile and think to myself I'm in my prime and there are full of possibilities waiting ahead.

Then there are days where, I have trouble seeing through the fog. Like would things inevitably stay so mundane?

Possibilities, potential, mundane inevitable endings? It's not just all the matter of mind tricks.

But the human quality, picking ourselves back up and trying again and again. I mean that's living, right? What way to go, if not, forward? And we move forward inevitably, it's not even a choice we make.

Sometimes I look at my dating profile, and wonder how performative we have become. How we just want to look better than what we are, or try to be a more idealized version of ourselves to attract the mate we want. At times, I don't even know what I'm doing on that. My avoidant side, is afraid of subscribing to something that's too much for me to handle, and then my anxious side, starts wishing the person would move faster. When I picked someone in the first place based on how chill he looked. Swirling around in a fishbowl, trying to not be afraid of making the wrong choices. Trying to pick safe. Do I have the energy to give? Am I the version of the self I want to be right now? These are questions, and not yet answers. Hey, if I'm at least curious, that is a win right?

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