Milu

swept away by words and taylor swift

[delicateslou]

🫧 hi! my name is Milu, thank you for reading me!

if you like what you read, you can help me liking, sharing and commenting or even dming me! i would appreciate it a lot. i'm open to collaborations so feel free to ask me.

[delicateslou]

hunted

When your choices come down on my shoulders

they rest and stay and settle like it's not me who holds them

like I'm just foundations of a building made up just for that:

To hold your choices

Everytime I have to act as an adult I am reminded of how you are one,

but never in your life acted one

How many times will I try to trust you with my heart on my hand just waiting for your next move?

I am so tired and drained like I'm sure you are, too

but everything you believe and build only for the outside

is eating you out from inside

is taking down all of your efforts

is dancing around you and making you vomit

is hateful, sinful, murky, clouding you

You can't see anymore, probably you never did.

You're older and insist on making everything worse

the thing that will haunt you down forever,

and it's karma, vengeance, war

because of your damned choices

Your choices

your fucking choices you don't take responsibility for

Never did, never will

Well, then this is your destiny

I'm glad to watch it happen.

[delicateslou]

December

you can't even tell me with your eyes what you felt

because i thought was it was love but those were just your lies,

and you probably fly around at night, like a vulture remembering my heart, and my thoughts at midnight,

and how i tried to put your pieces together, just so you could assemble mine.

and i stumbled with your careless words that you whispered,

so you could have me wrapped around your finger.

i was crying when you stabbed me in the back,

and my friends weren't my friends,

and the tears fell in front of my mum when i begged to forget you

and all the costumes you'd put on so i could fall for you.

and i am sure he doesn't even remember what he was doing on my birthday,

while i was ashamed of losing everything i had,

and how my tears couldn't help to escape my eyes every single night that week,

where i prayed and wished he could come back and listen to me.

while my body became a piece of meat i couldn't even see,

and your smile became bigger when you were with your friends,

the ones i'm sure think i am a witch.

but if i am a witch you were the hunter who burned me down to my bones.

how could you live after knowing this?

the way you betrayed me without showing none of empathy,

even when i went back begging you to forget me,

you looked for me in the saddest night so i could borrow your heart.

but your heart is not made for me, and i never could become so many lies entagled together,

and you always knew this wasn't nothing but that;

a chat i could always go to scream my words out.

and i dreamed about you tonight,

i'd forgive you and sit on your lap, as if you never left me by myself on that December night,

on Christmas, when i called you so many times.

i never trusted you, i knew it in my bones.

when i really needed you, i always ended up even more alone.

[delicateslou]

growing up

i've been wondering these days if i made the right choice at leaving, because i always feel when i leave that i leave you. and it's settling in my chest, as days pass by, the discomfort and heaviness. it makes me sad, it makes me mop around and wonder if all of this—my studies and relationship—are actually important.

when i'm with you, routine gets so predictable i bore 'til death, and somehow you trained me to be aware of your steps, sighs, hummings, and also you never made me settle for the comfortableness and i always reach for the hard and the discomfort and the movement.

and if i think about it, this discomfort i have in my chest when i leave, it's only comparable to the feeling of when you left, and i stayed alone those nights, wanting to be with you. maybe i see you in my reflection now, because i'm the one having to leave—but you left first.

my chest always tightens to the thought that, perhaps, we're not made to be apart, but i'm certain we're not meant to be together, either. i guess that's how growing up feels like for everyone.

[delicateslou]

rotten fruit

fruit gets rotten inside when no one sees and eats it / some fungi or bacteria makes its way to the center and spreads around / and no one moved a bit / i had to let go of people stumbling over me / i had to say goodbye even if it meant putting the pieces together later

people don't see it like that / common people, like you / you act like i don't exist if i'm not in your peripheral view / but i breathe and eat and drink and laugh and love / even when you're not watching / even when you lost interest

i got rotten when you stopped watching / i closed off and disappeared and let you loose off my hand / because i had to / because i had no other choice / i just had to

i give too much, and even if it's too little i still / i still give / i give a lot / so much more than you, and God / i hate the salty taste in my mouth because of tears / i should be having fun, i should be getting laid / i should stop thinking and considering everything and everyone

it's rotting me inside out / it makes flies soar through my vision / it makes me want to only lay down and give up

when it's a sunday, a whole week went by / my birthday was a month ago / and you never even greeted me / but you lash out some venom before i close the door / so i can always beware of you / so i never let my guard down

i should know better

[delicateslou]

I'm standing over a pile of random memories of my childhood.

i feel kinda free, when i look at my hands when i notice the scars, the rainbows, the butterflies.

i used to know what it all meant to hide away, tell secrets, everything was an adventure.

i remember the feeling not only blooming in my chest—there's still a physical reaction.

when we got together, kissed for the first time, run for the fun of the ride, played with tiny dinosaurs.

i still like the triceratops since then, the lilac and yellow of the sky, the medlars falling from the tree and melting in my tongue, the sweet of the tomorrow to come.

God, I feel so nostalgic these days.

and i miss you and i miss it too, but i feel it like i felt it then—in my chest, in my stomach, the curly sensation, the touch of your sweaty hand, your hair sticking to your forehead, your ball full of mud, the cold of the goal when i stood there watching you aim it.

man, i miss you now, even though it was a brief moment, even though you're not here still, i wish i'd stay with something.

i wish i kept your promises tied with a red bow to my heart, i wish the conversation would led somewhere real, and i got something to take with me there—i wish i didn't dream it all, there again, by your side, in your trunk, in your yard, in your little swing.

tantrums and tears and closed stomachs and my voice went silent and mute, and i want to have known better—i want to have had some control, some vote, a little bit of grip.

i see it all passing now in my eyes and i'm not full of regrets i've lived so happily and made some good real friends and had the time of my life, but sometimes i just roll around and wonder what if you would've been there all along too?

would i have keep growing? or would you have held me down? i keep asking and asking and then i stop.

i look around. nothing is the same anymore. i'm standing over a pile of random memories of my childhood and i don't know what to do with so many loose ends. and i wonder if i should leave them all open like a wound that never scars, or if i should've let them die by now? i just feel, they never ended with me, in here.

i'm still here.

[delicateslou]

i still think this is the best i've ever written, but maybe it's only because it is my favourite

[delicateslou]

the sky seemed so far away

at night, everyone resting, everyone full, everyone warm

i wonder where are you, don't care about anyone else

i keep pacing through the endless streets and the empty grawl of my stomach is the only reminder that i'm still here

painfully alive

i wished for you to see me

like a nocturn bird soaring and eclipsing the stars

but i wouldn't be this, then

i wouldn't ever be here

in the longest of paths life could ever have brought me

somehow, i ended up here

still, beside you

[nixscriptum]

[delicateslou]

“but i am here, in the middle of your sorrow”

all my life i feel like i accomplish goals, i see the time passing in front of my eyes and i'm standing in the middle of my room, kneeling, begging to be seen and listened but there's too many people coming and going around in here and i am.

it's silent, dark, cold, i see the versions of myself in this room; the lonely dark and closed-off girl i used to be; the depressed, anxious, starving teenager; the desperate, and still to-be-defined young woman. i don't cry as much as i used to, instead i leaned to find quick distractions and occupations to not let this change me—again.

i lost myself so many times, alone and with company, and i don't recognize and i don't understand where all of this started, where i am headed, and i don't understand me anymore. but i want to.

there's sun outside, still, remaining, waiting for me to be brave and finally get close, and i see it and i know i will reach it, but there's still things holding me onto. there's counterfeit promises made by hand, by eye, by voiced contact, there's something desperately tying me to my mother's suffering and i know i can't change people actions but i still fail me when i wish i could.

i wish i could get close, near your house, i could see what are you hiding and why my head is so obsessed with the intrinsic emotions and past feelings you're bringing to life in my chest that i can't ignore. i wish i could take the pain and bury it beside all of the times you let me believe you were changed, you were brand new, but you're still that angry madman that i saw once and couldn't recognize his face. behind your hood, and your scheming, the only thing left are your mistakes.

a defining moment in my life, i could say, was fainting when i saw you. not the you you think i know, the you you are when no one sees. the bad in you is not only that—the personality i've tried so much to put apart over the years from my father—it is not but you at your core.

i get to this realization but i'm still venting you all the problems because, you get it. when i tell you about family i have to avoid, when i am just trying to be a decent young woman trying to thrive.

but i am not if only that: i am standing in the middle of my tiny room, alone, and it's crowded. i want to see you and take your hand and try to be present, but i have to be here, in the middle of your sorrow.

[delicateslou]

i used to dream about your eyes and voices, and they would haunt me at night. i didn't want to forget you, i just wanted to get through the time being. in a swirl of moments i knew about your life, and the way the sky felt when we were kids running wild. and this experience only take me back in time.

it's complicated to grasp something but never hold it in the palm of your hand, to not let go, and hope it'll be back. but it's never completely back. you're never completely sure. and there's things that change a person, but people never change.

that's how the tale goes, then. when you get stab in the middle of your back later, you look around but you can't see backwards to the face that actually did it, and i want to hold you by the shoulders and let you know, life is worth living, now, in fear. but you, of all people, already lived too much.

and you know, in the indentention of light, how much of that was worth, and how much wasn't. and how much you've already given away.

but i'm young, and watching you made me learn, but it doesn't take away the naïve foolishly young person inside of me who still wants to bang her head against the wall.

i need to know, as many times as you have or more, that maybe i can do something with all the love i still have in my hands.

i am not but second chances.

[delicateslou]

the sky seemed so far away

at night, everyone resting, everyone full, everyone warm

i wonder where are you, don't care about anyone else

i keep pacing through the endless streets and the empty grawl of my stomach is the only reminder that i'm still here

painfully alive

i wished for you to see me

like a nocturn bird soaring and eclipsing the stars

but i wouldn't be this, then

i wouldn't ever be here

in the longest of paths life could ever have brought me

somehow, i ended up here

still, beside you

[delicateslou]

i've got the itch to write you since my birthday. none of this is probably for the best, and my head feels like a massive hive buzzing everywhere and people turn around to find out where is that noise coming from. but i vomited it out.

the words. i felt them in my throat in the middle of my lesson and the bells were about to ring and i had to. i had to say them. maybe the restraining i felt – i feel it's because i should tell them to you but it feels like from outer space, not of this world, how you slided into my dms.

i wish – again, i don't have any grip of my life. i guess i always get people to handle my decisions instead of grabbing the moment, but i can't risk anything for a simple greeting. thank you, though. you are in my mind, usually. not always, just in the back where i know you're there – i just don't deal with it.

let me know, you, who know exactly what you're doing, who know me before anything, should i ask you then? should i resume dreaming in my head?

i'm so influenceable, and so immature, and so settled down on being comfortable. will i feel like this all my life? like i need some ‘holding onto’? like i'm somehow missing out?

[delicateslou]

everywhere i am it just feels noisy. i can't escape the hordes of people just in my room, the blinding lights, your voice. i don't know when it all became so strange and not part of me, but i hate the feeling you're becoming someone else i didn't signed up to.

i want to try harder, not run away so easily because what if i'm wrong? what if it's a pity after all. all these years, and it's up to me? god. no, i don't want to break what costs me so much to build in the first place.

i sacrificed so much, my inner peace, my lonely, my studies, my time. you didn't even ask for it but i did and it hurts. and i don't want to give up.

but i miss you, the other you that used to be around and brought coffee for me into bed, and made sure i was wrapped to the head before sitting in the desk, and used to comfort me when i felt like crying - now i just feel badly drained. i don't know how to help you and it's all sleeping through you and i can see it, how do i turn this about you, not about me? - there again with my selfish rants.

because it's you who's obviously struggling, you're not sad, you're not mad, you're just not - you're not anywhere - you're absent. i wish i could bring you back with a blow like i've seen in that fairy movie from when i was a little girl.

[delicateslou]

seagulls in the sky as the sun draws its rays in the early morning

tilting my head, i look up, and smile

it's like i'm constantly being caught off guard by life

i've dreamed about this, you

i have seen it

when i used to fall asleep wishing you were beside me

it's a constant déjà vu, replaying in my head over and over again

i open my eyes, the sun swerving in my pupils

i've belonged here even if i've never stopped by before

the salty air, the hair sticking to my face

giggles, and i watched them straight out of a movie scene

how the moments intertwine in the air,

your smiles and glittering glasses,

my rants and timeless yearning,

how you're so far away and so close

at the same time

these dramatics scenes

i've lived them before

i only ever pictured

you

[delicateslou]

something new has been flourishing, down here something grew and made its way to the top, i can finally see some rays of sunshine, when i open the door and there you are.

i have fallen in love before when he was sitting beside me and i couldn't get myself to look into his eyes without my sight blurring, but nothing compares to this.

it's not the smiles or the nothing in between us, it's how i feel just stepping outside and daring myself to be more and somehow better just for you. it's not like i need the validation, instead i need to be different things for different people too, not just me or him.

these weeks i've been only imagining how would it be to even ponder the idea of leaving him. it's just—these thoughts took over my head, and i tried to put them aside and ignore them but some days they're louder. but, what if i do? i mean, it'll definitely break me. i just got possessed over this idea of losing myself in this relationship.

i love him, and he never ask or even manipulates his way into making me feel like i need to sacrifice stuff or goals over him, but what if i just did it all this time as a reflex? what if that's the crisis i'm having all the time—like a recurrent epiphany.

we talked the other day about a small domestic disagreement and i realized that's who he is—he will always try and fix stuff and he will always try and be mature about it considering me and my feelings and what's important: he will always try.

i've put these barriers in my mind and i've been silent but i needed it, for myself, for him. i don't need to discuss my thoughts all the time, i don't need to depend this much, i can be—and i am my own person.

my girlfriends gave me that lucidity back without even knowing it.

[delicateslou]

ephemeral

you've built your life again

with your plants and your flowers blooming every spring,

and forming new shade's patterns with the trees you germinated.

i got stuck.

thinking about my backyard again and again,

and everytime i left, i'd come back to something new.

a new ceiling, a new person, a new conversation to have, a new pet

nothing ever felt the same for me, but i still hoped to come back to my backyard.

the one i left that early evening i had to pack up my notebooks and leave, because i had no choice.

and then i wished.

i wished I would've been a tree, so then i would've grounded my roots to the ground and don't miss a single thing,

don't miss a single change,

don't miss.

don't miss this–right here.

i wouldn't miss running in the fields, riding my bike to the sunset, reading, writing scenary poetry.

i would just live right here.

i would write right here, i would dream right here, climb this tree, marry our neighbour. i would've been happy, ignorant, tiny, and oh, so happy.

I've learnt so much and known too many people, even though I'm shy and barely leave my house. but none of them–none of it ever fazed me like this place has. like this house has, this backyard, these trees, this air, this nightsky, this dog, this home.

i've read the word ephemeral in a bookmark i got on some fair, and i stuck with it.

i've always known the meaning, I've known the sound and the pronunciation running in my tongue.

but right now, it's the first time i have ever felt it. truly felt it and understood it.

a moment it's not just ephemeral because of time, just because you grow up and leave memories behind.

a moment is ephemeral because the beings you've shared it with, are gone. and someday, they'll all be gone. and when people are gone, the moments and who you were in that time at that context, is also gone with them. it only lives in you–nowhere else.

so you carry it on your back and you cry silently at night but you know; physically there's no other place these moments can be.

these people around you, they've never truly known you, not like you know they had. so when you pack up your things to come back, you get near, and you know the puzzle pieces come together inside just because here is where you belong. where you've always belonged and where you'll always belong.

and somehow, someday, you just have to share this feeling with someone.

August 11th 2025

[delicateslou]

a tale

i have you by my side

sleeping as you don't mind,

but it's because you don't know.

the anxiety of letting you go

filled up my night,

i couldn't sleep well,

sometimes i couldn't breathe,

sometimes i just wanted to cry.

and i don't know how to be indifferent

because he is still outside

and maybe my friend was right,

when she told me i should speak up.

but it's so hard for me

to even get the words out

in front of you.

i miss the way it used to be

but i don't miss being apart from you,

and i don't want to sabotage myself

into a past i didn't even like.

but damn, it was so easy back then.

now i worry all the time,

if i let my thoughts flow into my mind

i'll end up crying.

and if i try to fix things,

people get to hurt me

over and over again.

i just want to be honest,

vulnerable,

the truest i've ever been.

but i don't want to give up with any of this.

i am so afraid of you leaving me

just like they did.

i am so afraid of never be able

to get the words out.

i am afraid of the future sometimes,

will i achieve everything i want?

i want to stop writing but i can't

it feels like there's so many things

i keep away from you.

but you are here,

i just don't know how to feel

like this is enough,

when people i try to hate everyday

are outside living their lives.

and i am here,

trying to tell you as if it was a kind of tale

how bad it feels, even in my dreams.

i feel like everytime i can tell you

i'll ruin something of us

like you cooking in my kitchen,

or our lonely moments,

or our good mornings,

the heavy blue of our nights,

the love words you always say to me,

and your eyes.

as if they won't flicker that way again

when they're looking at me

and you know what i did.

8 may 2022