"your life is yours to mold" oh nooooooooo oh no oh my god. oh fuck me. no. oh my god. oh im so fucked dude.
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@dem-bones
"your life is yours to mold" oh nooooooooo oh no oh my god. oh fuck me. no. oh my god. oh im so fucked dude.
You need see my cute kitty 💕
thursday..... and i bet you wish you were her
I love a good HFY / Humans Are Space Orks post, and I think one element of Humans we’re sleeping on is an instinctual understanding of ballistics.
I mean, I get why it’s not as popular here on Tumblr dot com, given it’s kinda a jock/military adjacent thing, but like. Our ability to just. Pick up a small, firm object, judge its internal inertia and mass by holding it for a bit, and then flinging it with the kind of accuracy and speed Humans are capable of is.
Like there’s another post about how Humans in an alien zoo would probably be breaking out constantly, since we consider escape rooms to be a fun courtship ritual, but
imagine the aliens who are designing the enclosures just so happen to pick up, say, a devoted amateur baseball pitcher. Not even a legend by any means, just somebody who’s practiced with intention. And one day they’re watching her pass some time and blow off some steam by doing some pitching practice and they realize to their mounting horror that this gal can turn literally anything she can wrap her digits around into a ballistic weapon.
this reminds me of a paper I read a while back about how the way our shoulders work to enable us to throw anything from rocks to pointy sticks - plus a brain trained to think in 3D from climbing trees while also capable of calculating future trajectories from living on the savanna - is how we survived terrifying predators and came to dominate the world
reasons i want to be immortal:
learn every language
witness development of crow society and complex language
domesticate big cats
learn about the inner workings of complex machinery
watch movies and play video games
become a patron to a stone age crow community
selectively breed weird fruits and veggies
learn crow language
be around for the first orbital and/or lunar colony
learn how to blacksmith
teach crows how to blacksmith
learn how to play various instruments
teach crows advanced machining and engineering
try every kind of soup
funnel resources to the communist crow underground to aid in their revolution against humans
THE BIRDCAGE — 1996, dir. Mike Nichols
Did anyone ever like attempt to document and compile the variations of Barney the dinosaur murder ballads across the elementary school system in the early 2000s. Like legit it has always fascinated me as a phenomena and I would love to know if there were like traceable regional variations or what.
Looking at the tags so far I’m kind of fascinated by how much the ‘I Love You’ parodies vary in their phrasing/murder weapons but the ‘Joy to the World’ ones are nearly identical
here is my collection of barney murder songs as they appeared in the notes and comments of this post at about 4 pm pacific 7/25, somewhat arbitrarily color coded to show similar memes. it appears that "baseball bat and 2x4" is the mode configuration but there is so much variation that that exact phrasing only makes up a small part of the set. if i knew more about statistical modeling i would turn this into some kind of data tree that shows which phrases are most likely to follow other phrases.
Hey so not to be all "what the fuck, Youths," but...what the fuck, Youths
my best friend linen my brother in arms cotton my partner wool my beautiful sister silk
our sick deranged enemy polyester....
the demon lord, prince of lies, "Vegan Leather"...
"she thinks this is bonding behavior" my friend this has BECOME your bonding behaviour
We do not do elf of the shelf but our house does have borrowers. Penny knows that if she leaves a mess out at night the borrowers will take that as a sign that they can have it and take it into the walls to build their homes
This teaches her to out her stuff away at the end of the night or I chuck it out and also sometimes she wakes up and yells "HEY ELEVES I LEFT YOU SOME STUFF!" And it is hilarious
Penny: THE ELVES HAVE ONIONTIZED
My mom on FaceTime: ???
Me: I had to explain to Penny how the borrowers are part of the elf union and so they go to North Pole the last 3 weeks of the year so no one ever has to work too much over time and that's why they haven't taken mommy's wrapping paper or scissors or anything else I've left out... shes trying to explain the elf union to you.
Penny: THEY GET PAID EXTRA CAUSE OF THE ONION
I'm in tears 🤣🤣🤣
it's called a ball python because it is a python(🐍) that ball(🟠)
nothing in the rules says a python can't play basketball
did i tell you guys i failed at being sexually harassed at work today?
okay so, guy at work, who i find out afterwards is famous at this place for being a sex pest, comes up and starts with what i also learn is his favorite opener to conversations where he’s going to be a sex pest, namely: “Do you know where the term ‘blow job’ comes from?”
and here he made his first fatal error. his moment of hubristic sex pesting. because of course i know where the term blow job comes from, i love learning about sex and the history of sexual terms! i know so much about oral sex that i could write a book on it!
🫵 HEROES in the tags
god I wish I had a pair of menacing black gauntlets with really sharp fingertip claws I bet it feels good as fuck to have your hands resting palm-down on a surface and then scratch some deep fucking gashes into it as you clench your hand a little closer to a fist when your evil minion delivers some bad news to you
ohhh fuck yeah, you understand
Having made some in leather? Yes, they absolutely fuck this hard.
Seriously. Having claws fucks HARD.
i feel like i’m cursed forever but other than that i’m doing alright
its terrible for any number of reasons, but i think if we invent immortality there should be an extreme sport called civilizational speedrunning where teams of 20 go into the wilderness somewhere and try and be the fastest build the first internal combustion engine. i bet you could get it down to like 3 years tops
The real trick is to eat seed heavy food before the speedrun starts so your first poops are halfway to agriculture already
i want you on my team holy shit