Void

This theme sucks.

[demandred]

Goodbye, my darling bun. Thank you for the best seven years of our lives.

We will always love you.

---

Can death be sleep, when life is but a dream, And scenes of bliss pass as a phantom by? The transient pleasures as a vision seem, And yet we think the greatest pain's to die. How strange it is that man on earth should roam, And lead a life of woe, but not forsake His rugged path; nor dare he view alone His future doom which is but to awake.

-John Keats

[wordsnquotes]

We all need somebody to look at us. We can be divided into four categories according to the kind of look we wish to live under. The first category longs for the look of an infinite number of anonymous eyes, in other words, for the look of the public… The second category is made up of people who have a vital need to be looked at by many known eyes. They are the tireless hosts of cocktail parties and dinners… Then there is the third category, the category of people who need to be constantly before the eyes of the person they love. Their situation is as dangerous as the situation of people in the first category. One day the eyes of their beloved will close, and the room will go dark.. And finally there is the fourth category, the rarest, the category of people who live in the imaginary eyes of those who are not present. They are the dreamers.

Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness Of Being (via wordsnquotes)

[demandred]

Hii, tumblr. It’s me again.

Let’s recap, shall we? Last I wrote, we were barely in the second month of 2018. I had just gotten my promotion. I was on the verge of obtaining that dreaded legal qualification.

After strenuous and restless preparation months on end for the bar exam, I failed. I am still unconvinced in this result. But, life goes on. That was a serious kick in the stomach, though. Felt like a Waldo warping at hyperspeed through my Supremacy.

This isn’t why I’ve got a constant urge to curl up into a ball and cry endlessly. Matilda isn’t well. We’re smiling and we make jokes, but... It feels like we’re on borrowed time. She looks older than she did in January, her fiery colors now appear rather faded. We managed to take that tumor out of her body, but we’re yet to see if we’ve managed to buy months or years. The approach of the imminent is looming over us, though.

I feel as if I’m engulfed by a giant blob of worry over and sadness for her. I love her so much. We both do. She no longer makes those funny piggy noises I can never hear. She rarely gets up on the sofa. She’s quite energetic, but she doesn’t do that anymore. She also doesn’t play around my legs as she used to. She may chase me every now and then, but she largely keeps her distance, unless she wants to be petted, which is also not as frequent as before. As Kundera would say, I’m currently suffering by the unappeased yearning for those moments to return. Styska se mi po tobe, Matilda.

Inside this giant blob, there’s a myriad if tinier blobs of different hue and saturation.

There’s the “failed bar exam” blob which packs in the additional time I will now have to lose reading and preparing over and over again for a trivial test. I’m sick of depriving my wife of leading a normal life.

There’s also a “hate my job” coupled with a “well, that was a stupid series of life decisions” blob. It’s got a sort of an acidic taste to it and make a screeching sound every time I look at it. I want to sit down a write a novel or two. Try and make it as a writer. Who knows, maybe...

The “24 h/day are not enough to be there for all family and friends” blobs is like a spotted pattern, like a brand stamped on each of the other blobs. It’s like that hole on your sock that you have to sew in but only do so whenever you’ve got the time. Sadly, at the end it turns out you replace your family and friends for your work family and friends to provide for your family and friends. A vicious circle.

“Not pregnant, yet” is not really a blob. It’s the oxygen that feeds the flames of shame and anger that fuel all the other blobs to keep expanding. It’s a yet another thing that life apparently wants me to achieve at a higher difficulty. Hardly unexpected; mostly disappointing. I don’t like seeing my wife cry because of this, Life. How about you get a grip and go terrorize someone who drives their car recklessly, huh? Thanks.

Well, at least smoking is now put on hold for the past month. Exercising only makes me think I’ll never be able to get my body in the shape I want, but at least I can try, right?

We’re almost into July 2018. This year has been going on for three years now. 

[octarine-flash]

I’m a holistic assassin… I kill whoever I like killing all day and if I killed them, they were my target.

[demandred]

I’m just a leaf in the stream of creation.

Sooo, hello again, tumblr!

Long time no see.

You still don’t have automatic capital letters, huh? Shame.

Here I am: soul - naked, and you’re as silent as ever. We’ve recently crossed into 2018. Honestly, it feels a lot like 2017. It’s 3 February right now, and I can’t seem to shake off that feeling that we’re in the 14th month of the same year.

That’s probably because my wristwatch has stopped working since two months ago. I got promoted since then. I’ve done some mistakes, and some progress in keeping all those New Year’s resolutions I never really found the time to write down. I.e., beating that gluttony sin. Sloth as well. I’m exercising every day (more or less) for at least 10-15 minutes. On Sundays, I even spend 40-50 minutes training. Haven’t eat meat in a while. White and yellow cheese have been dosed down to a minimum. No more sunflower seeds. Stopped smoking, though I still light a ciggie or two once per week. No longer as dependent on weed as I used to be (when I was using it to keep my emotions at bay).

All in all, pretty good.

Super tired, though. Don’t know how long I can carry this on. I’ve got the feeling there’s more and more work not because it piles up, but before information travels faster than ever. 

[oneevilfairy-blog]

[demandred]

Hello, Lanfear.

Gotcha.

[demandred]

“There's a zit, and then there's the dirt and the oil and all the grime behind it. You're the zit! [...] See, you're the manifestation, not the root cause. I'm sitting here, asking myself, what's the root cause? Where's all the oil and the grime coming from in your life, Andy? You got a positive world outlook. Why does the world not smile happy smiles in return? Yeah, life's un-- No! Fuck! No. Yes, there's the good, there's the bad. And when the bad comes and gets into your house, your bike shop, and turns Wonderful Wonderful into shit shit, is it your responsibility to clean it up? No, it is not! Make the responsible parties clean that shit up! Ha! That's it! That's what I'm saying.

You fucked this up. You fix it. [...] Everybody go fuck themselves and fix their own problems. That's the message in all this.

Boom! Yes! Eat my ass, everybody!”

[do--the--right--thing]

[demandred]

“It is a shockingly common occurrence in my life that women are gifted unto me, seemingly, with very little effort on my part and at a certain point after the ludicrous bounty, you have to finally wonder why? Is it because I'm so just baseline physically attractive? Debatable. More likely it's cause of this-karma. I motherfuckin' earned it. I was the fecal molecule of a maggot 50 lives ago, 49 lives ago a parasite on a sea cucumber, worked my way up from there paying my reincarnitory dues-coral, an ear wig, a sewer rat, a grackle, Ginny foul, clown fish, ocelot, eventually vaulting up the evolutionary chain to dog, but like a shitty small dog, failed immediately by PARVO or K-9 SIDS, monkey, monkey down to otter, monkey chimp AND then finally human, BUUUUT, oops FUCK, I'm a child sex slave and I live in a whale. But, in all these incarnations, I was good and kind and humble and accepted my fate patiently. So, thus, after an endless series of short, oft, brutal lives... I was finally, finally, FINALLY born as me... Andrew Botwin-effortless receiver of tail. It's just a theory, of course, but if it's not biology and it's not karma then there is a puppet master out there who enjoys watching me get my freak on-and that would mean God basically-and I would have to rethink, well, everything. “

[arcusxx]

[demandred]

I’ve seen people complain from 2016. Many celebrities had died. Trump got elected for President of the USA. The UK decided to leave the EU. Syrian government continues with its atrocities. Not to mention Russian involvement in all of this.

But for me, 2016 was rather successful. After a setback from the Bulgarian government, I managed to pass all my 11 law exams, even though I had to go through one of them not once, but four times. Insurance law. I fucking hate how backward this exam was. I also managed to get a job at one of the best international law firms in my country, receiving significant exposure in fields I was afraid I would never be able to. I proposed to my girlfriend and she said “Yes”. Although, now, when I think about it, I feel like my proposal was super lame. My brother’s wife delivered a baby boy, called Boyan.

All in all, a pretty successful year. And I’m not complaning. In fact, I’m super happy about it. On top of all that, I managed to have a pretty fun New Year’s celebration, and I haven’t had one of those in a while (in 7 years, to be exact).

2017, though, has begun with exhaustion. I was unable to rest from all the hardwork I put in 2016. I left the office at 6 pm on 30th December (31st being Saturday). I went back on 3rd January (Tuesday). Hardly a vacation, considering my fiancee got super sick and I was the one who had to clean up after the party.

Almost a month and a half after that, tomorrow will be my first day of rest. And I will not be resting at all. I have to wake up at 8am at the latest to go for a doctor’s appointment. FML!

I just want to rest and intoxicate myself with something to read. Hear my, future Me. Nothing matters.

[dovaldraws]

[demandred]

Hello, World, it’s me again.

Do you know why I can’t stop watching this show? I think I’ve watched seasons 1 and 2 (they’re the only ones released by 12 Feb 2016 (note to future self)) more than four times already (on netflix, I respect copyrights). It’s because the series is so intrinsically attached to the past. Yet, very few details of the characters’ histories are revealed.

I feel like that all the time. Constantly connected to the past. Yet, those closest to me are completely unaware of what’s going on in my head. Even when I tell them. And I make sure that I tell them. You can’t expect your family to know all the drama you’ve been through in your teenage years or after that just as you can’t expect the people you’ve “acquired” later on in life to know what you’ve been through with your family and friends before you’ve met them.

And that’s also the reason why I keep coming back to Tumblr. I can share what I feel for anyone who cares to see. And what I feel is mostly being totally misunderstood. I’m pretty sure many others share the same sentiment. And when I say “it’s not the same thing”, it’s both the same thing, and it isn’t. It’s the same thing because everyone’s got their own little world in which they live in and no one else can take up their place. But at the same time, it isn’t the same thing. I have never felt this level of clarity in my vision, in my thinking, as I have these past two years. I feel separated from the herd. I feel like I’ve managed to go to the other side of the fence and like I’ve been talking to the rest of the sheep over it.

Intentional or not, I think that’s what Rick&Morty’s creators are trying to achieve. A sort of consistency between Rick’s past, present and future. A peculiar perspective, resulting in the loneliest human being that ever existed.

Yes, I know no one can understand me. Not even my future incarnations. They look back at me at some point in time and wonder: “What the hell!?”.

[wolveswolves]

By Peter Spellerberg

[demandred]

The wolf’s neck is thick because he’s got to protect himself.

[wonderwinchester]

May the Force be with you Princess

[demandred]

Drowned in moonlight, strangled by her own bra. 

[johnnybravo20]

Father and Son

[livetalskare]

[so-pale-girl]

[mistymorrning]

[theavengers]

[demandred]

Finally! Thanks to whomever decided to make this gif-set! I’ve got a theory that in Civil War Captain America will be the bad guy :) I’ll look for this post when the movie comes out :)

[babil6]