The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will be Glad That You Did)
1. "Children do not do what we say; they do what we do." Cliche, but true.
2. Do the inner work. A lot of the things that trigger us has more to do with us than the child. It's important to recognize your triggers, possibly trace it to your own life, and use that knowledge to react in a different way.
3. You are your child's inner voice. Be mindful of how you talk to yourself.
4. To set a boundary, define yourself and not the child. In the book, an example given is saying: 'I'm finding the noise too loud. I would like you to turn it down, please,' rather than, 'Your music is too loud, turn it down, please'. No one likes to be told what to do, and this holds true for children. So rather than focusing on them, focus on yourself and what the behavior means for you. This is also a way to model honesty and expressing your emotions.
5. There is no good or bad behavior, only inconvenient ones. Behavior is communication, and our job as parents is to figure out what the behavior is trying to say.
6. Children are big on emotions. Sometimes, they cannot articulate it yet. Most of the time, they don't even understand it themselves. "A child will learn to contain their feelings by having them contained for them by someone else," while they are trying to find more acceptable ways of expressing their feelings. And that someone is you.
7. Play is a child's work. And nobody wants to be disturbed in the middle of an important work. The key is to give a warning.
8. Validate feelings. In denying a child's feelings, we are in danger of dulling their instincts.
9. Define the feeling and not the child. Say "I feel angry," instead of "I am angry". Small change, big difference.
10. Help, but don't rescue. Your child is their own person. Do not insult them or disempower them by doing something that they can do by themselves.
11. Qualities to behave well: being able to tolerate frustration, flexibility, problem-solving skills, ability to see and feel things from other people's point of view. These are like developmental milestones, and each child develops differently. Do not impose on them what they cannot do yet. Be with them along each phase.
12. Parenting comes with no guarantees. We all do our best, but we all make mistakes. But it's not as much as the rupture as the repair.
* This is by no means a comprehensive review of the book. This is more like a personal note to myself, something I can go back to in case things get rough, and I know things will get rough.
