Depressed Diary

I'm struggling with Depression. This is a Diary Blog. I'll post my thoughts and feelings. Trigger warning: suicide,self-harm

[depressed-x-diary-blog]

Since I can't seem to sleep anyway,

Why not ramble away the thoughts and feelings nobody cares to listen to..

I've been feeling incredibly lonely since a while.

I feel like no matter how hard I try, eventually everyone I care for just leaves me.

Disappeares out of my life, but unfortunately not out of my memory. And that's the biggest problem.

People I once considered "best friends" did awful things to me, hurted me in a way I can't forget. Betrayed me and left me then I needed them the most.

But yet, I can't seem stop caring for them. Thinking about how things were before the downfall. Before they've become just a memory.

I would lie if I say I wouldn't somehow miss them. It sounds bizarre, I know. Knowing that they have hurt me. Knowing they would do it again, if they had the chance.

I just want someone in my life I can rely on. Not constantly fearing that they might turn their back on me if I'm not looking. Not fearing they're gonna disappear without a reason, without a warning. I don't want people I care for become a Memory. A painful memory.

Is that really too much to ask?

[depressed-x-diary-blog]

I should had done it..

Why didnt I killed myself 2 years ago, on the fcking roof.

I stand right behind that little wall.

I had to made 2 steps forward and I would be dead now..

I hate myself.

[depressed-x-diary-blog]

Another Day of Darkness...

I went to sleep at 9:00 p.m. Suddenly I wake up at 1:13 a.m. And now it's 2:16 a.m. I'm feeling really bad right now. I'm feeling terrible.

I feel the Pain is growing inside me. I feel my evil Shadow trying to control me and my thoughts. And to be honest, he do it pretty well. I have thoughts that I don't want to have.

I want to self-harm, just to stop my thoughts. I want to cry, to show how broken I am.

But I'm not able to cry.

I'm to sad - to numb to cry. to show any from my feelings.

I just want to die and cry.

It should be a special day. But it isn't.

It is just another day of Darkness.

[depressed-x-diary-blog]

What's hard about...

What's hard about Depression or a Depressive episode is, that your friendship and relationship is suffering because of your mood.

because you're feeling nothing. Just emptyness. you're getting cold. distance yourself from close friends and your partner. They're wondering why.

But you can't just explain. You're sitting there. Feeling numb and worthless.

You're saying that you're feeling not important enough, just like a worthless thing. But they do not care. They don't understand. And the battle begins.

And in the End it's all your fault..

[depressed-x-diary-blog]

Some things never change.

It's late. All the other people are at a party with some friends. Or they fall asleep a long time ago.

And there's me. Surfing in the internet. Searching for movies and series to pass the time.

And with no other reason I notice something. Something that's trying to push me down. I began to feel a deep emptiness Inside myself. I began to feel worthless. That I'm the unwanted person in this world. I feel this confidant pain that I miss the whole Time. My evil shadow is back. Sitting behind me. Saying the whole world is against me. That all of my friends are hating me. That I can trust him. Only him.

[depressed-x-diary-blog]

I was fine for a couple of Months. But just one little thing. Just a little text with a smart thought triggered myself and now I feel terrible. I hate myself so much right in this moment. I don't want to be me anymore. I don't want to life this life.

[the-saddest-comedy]

I feel trapped inside my own mind and there’s no way out :(

[depressed-x-diary-blog]

The Best Way to Describe Depression

Imagine you are in a space. You are floating, aimlessly, with no end in sight. You are within the void of yourself. A beautiful vibrant void full of these gorgeous spectacles of planets and celestial bodies. Bodies full of so much life and so much color, however you cannot reach them for you are too tired to even try. When you do try however, you come close, oh so close to the surface of these planets, your feet dangling right above the surface, but you are never to reach the surface of life. Instead, you are doomed to float in this void. Doomed to see all the beautiful life around you. Doomed to know that it just isnt for you. So you curl into a ball and float through the void. This void is known as life, and the vibrant planets are known as your surroundings.

[depressed-x-diary-blog]

I can't Promise..

[depressed-x-diary-blog]

dear depression, ...

[depressed-x-diary-blog]

Can't you See?

[depressed-x-diary-blog]

You go to sleep, in hope u'll never come back.

depressed-x-diary

[depressed-x-diary-blog]

Why?! 😒

[depressed-x-diary-blog]

The Girls I Babysit:

Carly: What are those? (pointing to my scars on my wrist)

Me: They're battle scars.

Anna: Cool! Can I have some?

Me: Please don't ever get some okay? But when you seem someone with them like the ones I have on their wrists go hug them. Don't ever make fun of them okay?

As we're walking around Wal Mart with both of them holding my hands, a young girl walks by us. Carly and Anna go and hug her. She hugs these two adorable little girls back

Girl: Why are you hugging me?

Carly: You have battle scars. *points to her wrists*

And through her tears she looks up at me and smiles.

[depressed-x-diary-blog]

Exactly.. I feel nothing..

[depressed-x-diary-blog]

[xbloody-thighs-hollow-eyesx]

I screamed but no on came. I cried and it was the same. I died but felt no pain

Bloody-thighs-hollow-eyes (via xbloody-thighs-hollow-eyesx)