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[desalesr]

Truth

Let’s talk truth.

I’m probably the biggest liar I know. I lie to literally everyone I know. Why? Because I care too much about being seen in the best light. The best version of myself. Why the fuck does that even matter anymore?

My parents know nothing. They haven’t in years. The licks of my tongue spew lies left and right. Even for shit that doesn’t matter.

I think it’s because I need some things to be my own. However, I also tell people too much. I’m a walking contradiction. A fucking mess.

This journal is the most honest thing in my life. And so was Adam...but that’s long gone now. How pathetic am I to still be going on about him? I guess 4 years together will do that.

I teeter back and forth in whether it was right to end it for the final time. I guess that’s a sign it was. If you have doubts about the man you are going to spend forever with before you even make a vow - probably not good.

But I can’t forget the way he looked at me. Saw all the shit parts and still held on. Maybe the secret is that we aren’t supposed to be happy, but try with all our might until it’s game over. To hold on tight to the people we love to lessen the loneliness of being human. To lessen all the bad shit while we are here. But who the fuck knows.

I think I’m meant to be a literal jack of all trades and master of nothing. I want (have always wanted) so many different things for my life, but I never hardcore pursue anything. Maybe that’s my problem.

[desalesr]

Experiences

New experiences are everything.

Take me to new places, show me new music, new people. Musician does that.

But he also feels me like no one ever has. Indulges my every sexual thought. Make my everything feel melted with the thought of you touching me. Show me what it’s like to have someone appreciate every part of me. To put me in the spotlight.

How whiskey brings out everything. How it’s burn down my throat is all truth, uninhibited.

Deep breaths...the sensation of blankets on my feet and that stubborn loneliness...

I am depressed...it’s so hard to admit. I feel it every day since he left - or rather, when we agreed to part. It was the right choice though...right?

The whiskey makes me feel as if I am embodying  the waves hitting the shore...”follow me, follow me down...”

I know I should be stronger. Be my own partner, but sometimes I miss having someone to take away some of the burden. The hardship and encumbrance.

Am I strong enough? Who the fuck knows.

Do I drink too much? Feel too alone?...All the time...

I like the idea of someone saving me, but we all know that’s unrealistic.

I think I fucked up the majority of the time and I guess I’m okay with that.

Sometimes...most times, I don’t feel anything at all. Just a numb, empty shell of a body. Desperately wanting to be aware and present like I once was. 

What happened? Did the world break the shit out of me? Fuck that.

[desalesr]

5/8/17

Whiskey soaked dreams...

To get over him, I’ve drunk myself into oblivion and threw myself into life.

I still think about him every day, wondering if I made a mistake. If I’ll ever find a connection like that again. Someone I can tell everything to without judgement. 

Total openness.

...At least I know I really loved him since he haunts my fucking thoughts every day. I think he’d take pride in that.

Dying my hair and drinking whiskey...

I’ve been alone for 7 months now.

I’ve kept myself busy with meaningless “things” and fake, relentless beliefs of more...but it’s all a hoax. I don’t know if I can love anyone like I loved him.

Maybe he was it for me. I don’t give a fuck if there are more fish. He was there for me through everything. You don’t find that everywhere.

Aries doesn’t try hard enough. I’m always pulling the weight to see him again.

Musician is everything I’ve ever wanted. He knows me sexually better than anyone - but it’s still not quite right. I always feel so out of place when I meet his friends. Conversations with him feel off. I can never be all the way me - it’s always about him and he’s music. Sigh. I want him to see me, but I’m scared that I’ll be too much. 

But I really like him. I think he could be a great thing, whatever that may be...

[desalesr]

12/1/16

I am alone again.

It’s strange but satisfying to be so free and have all the options laid before me. I miss having someone by my side - loving me in any condition. I can’t have the best body or the best anything, but that was okay. Because he loved me. It’s different now, but also okay. Sunshine was always meant to be temporary. There’s no spark there, but it’s comfort. 

I want spark and all that passion shit they talk about. And everything in between.

I promised myself to 1 year of single-dom. Promised I wouldn’t jump into another serious thing, because honestly, I’m still trying to figure my own shit out.

One part of me wants pure hedonism. The other, something lasting and real. The person I want and see myself with, who’s name I shouldn’t say. I don’t think he’ll ever want me in that sense. I haven’t been the most experienced in that way, but that night with him while he was on leave from the Army...he knew what I needed and wanted. The spark, passion, intensity. We molded into each other and it felt RIGHT. So rarely I feel we get that experience. And that was mine for one night. Now he’s gone for another year and a half.

Nothing left to do there. The feelings weren’t mutual, but I guess I can’t say that for certain...

I’ve always loved the idea of love. Wanted to be so completely wrapped up in a person that I’m left gasping for air. Cheesy, I know. However, I see potential in so many people. I want to try everything and everyone. Feel as much as possible. 

When I die, I want my body and spirit to be so used up and worn that I can say I tried it all. To say I went out with a bang...but these are whiskey thoughts on a December day playing hooky from work...

[desalesr]

Beginnings

“Regardless of how this particular thing works itself out, I will be dying.

And so will you, and so will everyone here...

We’re all hurtling towards death.

Yet, here we are for the moment - alive

Each of us knowing we’re going to die.

Each of us secretly believing we won’t.” -  Synecdoche, New York