welcome to hell

absolute SHITSTORM come join the party (was undeterminedprocrastinator) my pronouns are AD/HD and i have he him

[determinedprocrastinator]

one of the best casual mog outfits ive ever seen in a random fucking youtube video:

insane cropped jacket pull, insane color and such a cool fabric weight looks so nice both collar up or down

insane tshirt pull, equally perfect cropped, high + close neck

MENTAL jeans pull, there are better frames but epic fit jeans have insane shape to them actually look so good

shoelace clutch hit perfectly

THICK CROSSBODY BAG STRAP holy tuff that is perfect strap thickness and it looks SO good vs a backpack

the red jacket on the crossbody bag? top 3 tuff ways to carry a coat i'll say it

(i know it's catching many extra points for housing a very well proportioned man inside the clothes however, i counter argue that this outfit fit to any man's body proportionally i.e. actually getting clothes that fit like this for whoever it is, would still look fucking fire. it just so happens that its far easier for george clarke (oh yeah that's george clarke) to find this)

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mb_cwwaPJkY)

[eliasmustdieart]

I’m slowly forgetting your face

[tuherrus]

you don't even have a dog

[sleepyeepy]

currently obsessed w the idea of hollanov rough housing and wrestling like ALL THE TIME

bc while yes they r sweet and soft and tender w one another they are also boys at heart and incredibly jock4jock

they’re running down the hallway with each other in a headlock after dinner w yuna and david laughing and pushing at each other until they accidentally knock a picture off the wall and yuna has to put them in a time out

two grown 6” tall , 200 lb professional athletes sitting in a corner pointing fingers at each other and blaming the other for getting them in trouble

[whatthebodygraspsnot]

i love shane calling ilya “baby” but what i REALLY love is shane calling ilya “babe”. it’s not often and there are few variants of it, but the conditions have to be right. for example:

1. jealous hotel gym shane: there’s some guy or girl trying to move in on his man and he is NOT having that, stomping over to them with a sneaky ass smack and a “hey babe come spot me on the leg press.” obviously ilya’s on his heels so fast it makes the other person’s head spin. 2. extra tired/overworked shane: it has to be excessive. he needs to be walking with his eyes closed. falling asleep standing up. my man is three-fourths passed out on ilya’s shoulder, who’s trying to gently move them in the direction of the bedroom while fielding grumbles and groans and “mmmbabe, cmon…” right into his shirt. 10/10 petname. less syllables. easy to whine. 3. douchebag frat boy shane: there’s this thing that comes outta him under the right conditions, which are: too much beer, too many other dudes, competition of some sort, backwards cap. someone ropes him into beer pong and it turns out he’s really good at beer pong. the best there’s ever been, probably. they’re calling him the beer pong phenom. anyway he’s soooo good and ilya’s trying to gossip with him about something and shane lets out some variant of “yeah babe one sec” and ilya thinks he should be annoyed until he watches him sink the ball first try (he doesn’t break the news to shane that that one's called the bitch cup)

[swagsmeister]

hollanov breakfast making in fugly pride merch to kick off pride month

[donttesme]

at some point people get genuinely concerned by how much Shane seems to control Ilyas social calendar, because Ilya is constantly saying "sorry Shane said no" to plans and shane has to share ss of their chat history that clearly show Shane saying "yeah ofc baby enjoy yourself" and "Ilya why the fuck are you asking me" to clear his name

[agent-odessa-over]

Yuna invites Ilya over for lunch. He is tempted to decline, believing it to be motivated by pity, but Shane is in Montreal and the loneliness of rambling around his too-big Ottowa house starts to feel like living in a mausoleum, so he accepts. It is this afternoon that he learns Shane's darkest secret. Darkest in name only, because it turns out to be quite the opposite in appearance.

After lunch they are seated in the den, fondly flipping through old photograph albums, when Ilya spies one that makes him lean over and squint. In the way of disposable camera film from the early aughts, it is grainy and overexposed, but there are no mistaking the warm brown eyes and pouty lips of Shane Hollander, looking blank faced at the camera. What comes as a surprise are the bleached blond ends of his dark hair, styled into crunchy looking spikes with obscene amounts of product.

Ilya emits a noise that can only be described as a squawk. Hand clapped to his mouth, because he barely trusts himself to speak, he chokes out, "What is...this?"

Yuna glances over nonchalantly. "Oh, that. Shane begged me to let him get frosted tips when he was 12."

Ilya will die. He will die right here, gagging on suppressed laughter, and Yuna will be forced to clean the mess of his remains off the berber carpet.

"I think he was trying to emulate some boy band he was obsessed with then. NSYNC maybe? I thought it was a bad idea, but David convinced me to let him try it out. Shane was going through a moody period, and he thought it might help."

"And-" Ilya squeaks in way too high a pitch, then clears his throat. "Ahem. And did it?"

Yuna thinks. "Hard to say. God, he was a bit of a bitchy preteen." She chuckles. "He had a poster of Lance Bass taped to his closet door. In hindsight, I should have guessed the gay thing much earlier."

Ilya can no longer contain his laughter. He doubles over with it, waving his hand and wheezing, "Sorry, sorry." He wipes tears from his eyes. "I can have this picture?"

Yuna shrugs. "Sure. The poster is probably still upstairs in his closet, if you want that, too. I've been meaning to clear it out-"

Ilya just stares at Yuna in wide eyed wonder. "Yes. I want." He dashes up the stairs so fast he nearly trips.

[vaststoick]

ruffnut: just got some straight gas 🔥😛 this strain is called "the dragon's eye" 😳 you'll be zonked out of your gourd 💯

hiccup: yeah whatever i don't feel shit

hiccup 5 minutes later: dude i swear i just saw some night furies in the forest

tuffnut pacing: trader johann is lying to us

[tieflingkisser]

[beautifulterriblequeen]

no the fuck you are not.

[oshell-on-ice]

I think at some point Ilya’s therapist gets concerned by what seems to be a codependent and anxious attachment btw Ilya and Shane. When Shane the Doer hears about it, For the sake of his husband’s mental health’s improvement and the preservation of a healthy marriage, he convinces Ilya to try installing boundaries and do activities separately. It lasts a week before Ilya comes home sobbing from a video game session with Troy communicating that if they keep this boundary thing up he’ll need to switch his meds’ dosage because he’s miserable. Shane jumps from the couch he’s been sitting on for 40minutes because he was supposed to eat diner with rose but he kept wanting to make jokes and look at ilya to see him laugh but he wasn’t there and it SUCKED OMG and Shane starts sobbing too because if they keep this up he will have to get on his own meds and let’s never do this again I hate it when I can’t smell you near me

[perlukafarinn]

ilya treating shane's inner thighs like a chew toy. they've gone a couple of rounds and are all loose-limbed and sleepy, and ilya just finished blowing shane but he's not ready to move so he just. doesn't. just stays there between shane's legs, biting and licking and sucking hickeys into the sensitive skin of shane's inner thighs.

it feels good, obviously, and shane's too worn out to get hard so he lays there and enjoys it, one hand in ilya's hair, lazily petting it.

[eemolu]

the idea that hollander "tamed" rozanov is really funny to shane because like. ilya finds it hot and is always going along with it, yes of course my husband is so sexy why do you think i moved to this boring fucking city. for dick. meanwhile shane knows the truth which is that ilya tamed himself. he herded shane like a sheepdog until he was exactly in the right position for ilya to flop down at his feet and say i love you, i am a one man guy, sleep with other people if you want but you are it for me, so shane is always there like ??? ilya. what are you talking about. i was literally prepared to be a secret slot on your roster for the rest of time without even admitting that i was gay until you decided to have me over make me lunch and say my name while you come like a love confession and ilya goes lyubmiyy. shut up. i was untamable you tamed the untamable and so shane has to be like yes, baby, i worked so hard, i used all my tricks but he's rolling his eyes because ilya wants to be a wolf shane coaxed inside to sleep on the hearth but instead he's a cat who snuck through the window and fell in love with his prey. self domesticated. and this is just one of the many perfect games they play

[drabbles-and-rambles]

I fully believe that Shane and Ilya cannot agree on an anniversary. Shane says it was the All Stars weekend because that's when he thought they were both 100% serious about the relationship because that's when he was, Ilya says it was the cottage when they said "I love you'' because he didn't believe in it until that moment. They find this out the first year with Shane's anniversary date when Shane plans an elaborate secret date the last night of All Stars and gets Ilya gifts, and Ilya has no idea what its for. They agree to disagree on the date, "We will just celebrate twice a year, I guess." It happens again with their wedding anniversary, Shane says its when they legally got married, Ilya says it was when the twins married them because he doesnt care about about being officially married in the eyes of Canadian law he cares about the first time they said "I do". They find this out when a reporter asks them about their wedding and when they had it and they both gave different answers. Once again they agree to just celebrate twice a year. They say it is because the date doesn't really matter and both of them are right in some way, but in reality it is so they can compete on who plans the more romantic, thoughtful, and elaborate anniversary date. And so that they don't fight about who's planning the date this year or making conflicting plans by accident.

[softgnome]

Personally#MyShane is so specifically hockey-jock4 jock that he has trouble really relating to Kip on a "partner of a hockey player" level.

Kip is a gym rat, he loves how strong and capable Scott is! But I think he gets nervous when Scott gets hurt on ice, has Scott isolate his nasty gear in it's own room, and hates seeing his man taped up and bruised from work.

Meanwhile Shane just can't relate to that! Sweaty Ilya with blood in his teeth and bruised knuckles makes him so hard he feels like passing out. Shane has a small locked folder on his phone that's just gifs of Ilya hip checking people so hard they flip over.

[oshell-on-ice]

I know Ilya just swoons every time Shane shows how much of a big strong manly husband he is. Like, cutting wood with an axe at the cottage like a true Canadian strong man? Ilya is scared of popping an artery with the way blood rushes to his dick. Shane tsking when Ilya tries to carry the groceries after a bad hit on the ice, and then Shane carries the fives heavy bags like it's easy. Shane driving with his sleeves rolled up and his face all serious at night while Ilya is a little tipsy, and bringing Ilya's hand to his lips to kiss his knuckles. Shane investing on the stock market. Shane doing some minor plumbing because there's no need to call a professional just yet, just let him check under the sink and oh, Ilya is plotting the reenacting of a bad porn movie. Shane cursing Dallas Kent and punching out a teeth on the mf? Ilya thinks it's criminal to put such a sexy man in the sin bin. Shane putting his hand on Ilya's thigh and flexing the muscles of his arm when a daring bold person tries to hit on Ilya in front of his man? Ilya is blowing him silly and lovingly on the way home. Shane pacing around the house in the phone with their accountant, talking about their joined taxes? Ilya wants to marry him all over again. Shane changing a tire? Once the car is fixed, he's taking his man on another type of ride. Shane lifting the sofa with one hand to vacuum under it? Ilya has never been jealous of a couch before but there's a start to everything. He loves his big strong jock silver medalist athlete of a man. Like look at him, being taken care of by the hottest, most competent, most talented man in the NHL. Ilya is getting princess treatment everyday of the week. He loves it. He loves his husband so much.

[oshell-on-ice]

I think Shane and Ilya are the type of couple that gives you whiplash. They’re touchy feely lovey dovey staring into each other’s eyes with their ring finger hooked because they’re married and so enamoured with each other’s one second and the next Shane is wrestling Ilya to ground while Ilya is trying to bite him and kicking him in the ribs for freedom. And you can’t separate them because they’ll be very upset.