all i have to say is that i know my character, the people who actually know me know my character, and Allah knows the content of my heart. i have and will continue to apologize sincerely to anyone who i have ever harmed, but the frequently mean-spirited behavior exhibited in this communityāthe punitive, hateful disposition of so-called antiracists; the refusal to give grace to those learning in public; the insistence that all behavior regardless of scale stems from malice; the disproportionate responses and mob mentalityāmeans nothing to me. this is a hobby; i, like you, am human and not infallible.Ā
itās very easy to claim youāre opposed to racism. itās easy to call other people and thingsĀ āracist.ā itās easy to toss around words like ācolonizer,ā even if you yourself should know the weight of them. itās easy to accuse other people of color, other colonized peoples, of abetting āracism.ā itās another matter entirely to do the incredibly hard, complex work of constructing positive change which can actuallyĀ address the roots of racismāparticularly the messy, unintentional, implicit kinds.Ā that requires patience and judgement, a willingness to listen and differentiate, all skills some people need to practice. i suspect tumblr.com is not the place, currently anyway.
i believe in transparence and honesty, so iām not going to pretend none of this is happening. iām not going to ignore the comments and criticismāor excuse those allegations which might have been valid. that being said, i refuse to provide an outlet for those who canāt stomach talking to people directly so they may anonymously deposit the vile, presumptuous things that occur to them. i have felt unsafe in my lifeāmany times, in many different situations, since i was eight years old running to save my motherās life during a violent attackāand i have never once been made to feel unsafe by a roleplay. perhaps thatās my privilege. if anyone has felt unsafe in crowns, then know this is my reference point, and iām unspeakably sorry you felt that way. it was never our intention to make anyone feel even uncomfortable for any reason and, by countable numbers, weāve done a decent job.
i canāt say what decisions will be made about the roleplay in the coming days; there isnāt much by way of specific problems to address in this wave of criticisms. however, i know the priority is our community, as it always is. i imagine the intention among those involved today is to chase everyone off of tumblr entirelyāthat was the purpose of sharing personal blogs, right?Ā blocking is one thing; hateful messages are more effective because they actually hurtābut i have admittedly been drifting away for a while.Ā
i sincerely hope the people involved find peace and resolution in all of this. i hope that, in the messages youāve sent and statements youāve made, you have fed yourself what you need to move on. i hope it has been productive and healing, though i canāt imagine from my own perspective how that might be the case.Ā
in sum, this has been a kind of journal entryāperhaps more productive and healing that i expected!āand i feel better now, able to sleep. if youāve decided that you canāt stand to see my posts or be associated with me any longer, then i get it; i wonāt begrudge you unfollowing or blocking me. this blog is more a storage space for me, anyway.Ā