I went to bed a while ago, but I couldn’t sleep. I guess it’s been a while since I’ve taken time to articulate my situation anywhere.
I’ve been working at the university for almost 6 months now. I’m looking forward to the milestone, to be honest. It marks half a year of making mostly positive decisions for myself, half a year of trying to pay down my excessive debts on a just over minimum wage job that doesn’t make me want to kill myself, and half a year more that I haven’t really made any ground on personal goals such as moving toward graduate school, conquering depression, losing weight or getting onto hormones again. I mean, after all these close calls, I guess I should be glad I’m not homeless. I do miss having my own apartment, though.
In the past half year, my father lost quite a bit of income. He lost his job as an engineer, and began working as a manager trainee at Menards. Quite a downstep, but after a year of searching, he was willing to take anything. Until, of course, he earned employment as an assistant manager at another store and they fucked him out of 10% of the pay they verbally agreed on. So he began searching in earnest for another job. Which, they took note of his lack of enthusiasm in his work and knocked him back down to associate level employment, part time work that made me the primary wage earner for a family of four. I didn’t cope well with that, either. On work that earns me just over minimum wage, full time or not, I was not prepared to carry the family. He did eventually earn additional employment as a tech worker at an engineering facility, and he’s happy there, making more money than he ever did at menards.
And that left me just kinda floating in my weird little bubble. I’m working a job, but I don’t have transportation myself so I depend on a kind of strange older lady who commutes to the same place as I do. She’s a lovely person, but she takes quite a bit of time off, and ponders aloud the possibility of taking additional time off, so it’s quite stressful since I have no time off saved up yet. It also leaves me just kinda riding back and forth for an hour each way to work, which is frustrating since that’s a lot of time to spend on wheels every day. A lot of time that my mind spends wandering, and when I wander, I typically end up in some pretty dark places.
All in all, I suppose things are smoother now than they have been for a long time. I just worry that the bubble is going to burst. I’m faced with the probability of taking a three month vacation now, on account of my nine month university contract being up for the year.