Almost a decade under the influence...
Sorry for the dated, emo pop reference.
This is not a defeatist post, i promise.
Soo, after 5 years with the same position, my baking has come to an end. Long story short, business wasn't doing well and they had to cut the department. You already know that my identity, as a baker, has been something I take great pride in. It's been a very hard adjustment, going from feeling like I have something, something I love, something that makes me feel productive and like I'm contributing to the world, to becoming a cashier, and feeling like I wasted my time and my dedication, to end up with this. So, I quit. Being there as a nothing employee was too much to bare. I started working as a bartender and server at a really nice restaurant, hoping to make some real money. Real money that can help me make something of my baking. I wanna keep doing that for the rest of my life. Maybe someday, I'll be able to.
In the mean time, I'm drowning. Not in any unstoppable way, just ... In ways that I can't seem to change my thinking. I've been doing really well, anxiety wise, redirecting my nausea and fear into believing I'm just super stoked for myself. That those feelings are not fear, they are excitement... And dudes, that totally works kinda! Haha. I say totally kinda, bc it's just that. Sometimes I Get on top of it and that's all it is. But on days like today, for whatever reason, I can't. Maybe it's the rain clouds. Atmospheric pressure. Lack of vitamin D. Or maybe I'm just more susceptible to negative vibrations lately bc I'm so out of my comfort zone, and I'm aware now that there is no going back to it.
Whatever it is... I've been thru worse, by a million times. This bubbling up of fear and sadness is not unfamiliar to me, and it's not all that different than anything I've already experienced. I am fucking tired of it, though. I'm trying...I'm trying to be stronger. I'm trying to be brave and smart. This is a good move, and I should be happy. I have goals and dreams, ones that aren't far fetched or all that out of reach...I just have to grind,really fucking hard. No more just surviving things. I wanna thrive in things.
There is no other way to get there, but thru this. Thru this and out the other side...
Ten years in illinois is coming up... Ten years of flailing and crying and dying and being reborn. Here's to hoping it won't take as long as it took to get to this point, to make it to the next one.
