What I Learned About Hobbes
...and why his Leviathan is just Daddy Issues in a Cape (now with bonus authoritarian fine print, emotional flashbacks, and a Reverse Uno card)
Thomas Hobbes thought people were naturally selfish, violent, and terrified of dying. His solution? Give all the power to one guy and call it a “social contract.” Obey him, stay in line, and maybe you’ll get peace in return.
✒️ You Can’t Call It Injustice If You Already Signed the Contract™
“Nothing the Sovereign Representative can do to a Subject… can properly be called Injustice or Injury.” — Leviathan, Chapter 21
That’s right. If the ruler ruins your life? Not injustice. It’s just you punishing yourself via your representative. Hobbes: Live, Laugh, Legal Gaslighting.
Also, the sovereign doesn’t answer to you. Only God and Nature. So basically, if you're harmed, take it up with the cosmos.
🔄 Reverse Uno: Sovereign Edition
You can’t resist if someone harms you. But you can defend someone else—unless it’s from the sovereign. And you must assist in punishing others… …yet cannot resist if the punishment is on you.
🃏 “No, you can’t resist. Yes, you must assist.” —Hobbes, casually
That’s not justice. That’s philosophical Uno, where the sovereign plays the “Skip,” “Reverse,” and “Draw 4” cards in one turn.
⚖️ Public Ministers ≠ Public Defenders
Hobbes’s “Publique Ministers”—judges, legal officers, tax guys—aren’t neutral. They’re arms of the sovereign. They don’t serve the people. They serve the throne.
Legal protection? Conditional. Recourse? None. Fairness? The vibe check is rigged.
💸 Errour Is Incident to All Mankind (But Somehow Not the Sovereign)
“Errour is incident to all mankind.”
Translation: “If the sovereign screws up? Oopsie. Still binding.”
So if you owed someone money—or didn’t—and the sovereign changes his mind? That’s law now. Contracts? Property? Truth? All up for reinterpretation depending on His Highness’s mood. You're not protected by precedent. You're at the mercy of someone's philosophical improv.
🧠 Trauma Lore: Daddy Ditched, Hobbes Dipped
Hobbes’s dad abandoned the family when he was a baby. Then during the English Civil War, Hobbes also dipped, fleeing to Paris. Just like his dad.
After that? He wrote a book about how we all need a mega-dad with absolute power to keep us safe.
Leviathan: The Attachment Theory Fanfic No One Asked For™.
He didn’t write for “mankind.” He wrote for his inner child.
📎 Bodies Politique? Only If Dad Says So
In Chapter 23, Hobbes says you can have civic groups, guilds, or assemblies. But only if the sovereign allows it.
“No other can be Representative… but so far forth, as he shall give leave.”
Your local council, protest group, mutual aid network? Gone if Daddy Leviathan doesn’t like the vibe.
📚 Job History? Chaotic.
For a man obsessed with order, Hobbes lived like the patron saint of side gigs:
Tutor
Translator
Scientific collab bro
Travel buddy
Political ghostwriter
Court hang-around-and-write-about-power guy
No wonder he dreamed up a sovereign. He was tired.
⚠️ Culture Shock Incoming
I get it—I wasn’t there. I didn’t know the guy. Maybe Hobbes was doing his best with the tools and traumas of the 1600s.
But from the 21st century? Reading him is like opening a how-to manual for benevolent tyranny. You authorize absolute power. You can’t call anything unjust. You hope he’ll be fair.
It’s not just outdated. It’s political vertigo.
📌 TL;DR
His Realism? A royal safety blanket with Latin footnotes.
His solution? Obedience in exchange for silence.
His legacy? A theory dressed like political science that’s actually a memoir titled “Please Don’t Leave Me.”
📚 Read it yourself: Leviathan by Thomas Hobbes (Full Text - Google Books)
Tags: #hobbes #leviathan #philosophy roast #daddy issues in a cape #tumblr university #social contract my foot #absolute power absolutely not