if i look back, i am lost
almost home
ellievsbear
NASA
#extradirty
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
Janaina Medeiros
DEAR READER
Keni
pixel skylines
trying on a metaphor
i don't do bad sauce passes
we're not kids anymore.
dirt enthusiast
Discoholic 🪩
Sweet Seals For You, Always
Claire Keane
Origami Around
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No title available
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@diaryofatreadingmistress
I wish I was pretty. it haunts me all the time. I wish I could have people take my picture and have it turn out well. I felt pretty for a little bit this week and I just. I knew I couldn't have my picture taken because I would look at it and see a monster of a person.
#retweeting that last post.
my relationship with my mum is just a series of events that make me want to move out
a couple days ago, my mum made a comment suggesting that i’m not the kind of person to apologise for a wrongdoing and i had to fight the urge to comment on the irony of this coming from her of all people. i raised my eyebrow slightly because i was going to burst out laughing but christ alive, that was really something!
i feel abstracted from femininity
it’s time to invest in therapy.
with a mother like mine, a mother’s day gift is just paying for peace of mind.
second post of 2026, have i been to gym? no. do i feel like a real person? no.
i don’t feel like a real person at church. i spend the day having fun interactions but then i come home and question every single thing i did or said.
just got a gym membership (second one this year) and i was hit with some anxiety of being perceived, even though the gym isn’t going to be open for another month and i have time to prepare myself.
i feel out of control with everything i do. it’s like my brain latches onto something to dissect and i just don’t have it in me to try and fight it.
i’ve been losing weight, and i know i have because my clothes are fitting differently. it’s completely unintentional and it’s due to occupational lifestyle changes. it’s annoying that, even when my body changes unintentionally, my brain grabs hold and starts putting me into a regime of sorts. i’m hyper aware of everything i eat. it feels like i’m constantly overeating when i have anything more than a bowl of rice and fish (which is what i’ve been eating most days). i feel like i’m being held hostage by my brain.
having low self-esteem is so debilitating and i feel like it makes me so difficult to be around.
i hate my job but i hate unemployment more so i can’t quit. i also recognise the privilege that i have, to be employed in a job market that is so fucked, even if it’s in a restaurant. ever since graduating, life has felt like being in purgatory. or maybe an elevator. i’m not actually at the next stage or the next floor, i’m just. getting there. but it doesn’t even feel like i’m moving. i just don’t know how to deal with this feeling of being unaccomplished. i know that i am okay and that this is not indicative of any personal failure but rather that this is a season that everyone goes through. my brain doesn’t understand that though. it is capable of rational thought but i can’t force it to believe those rational thoughts. sometimes it feels like i’m trying to chase my brain. thoughts are zipping around and i’m trying to herd all the irrational and unhelpful thoughts before they can escape from the silly part of my brain that has no self-esteem but then they get out and they escape and i just feel like i’m going insane.
the ease with which i can slip into a debilitating depressive episode is directly related to the amount of time i spend around my mum.
i try not to cry about how i’m not beautiful but i also understand that whilst words like beautiful or gorgeous sound like they are sentimental and purely emotional, they are sociopolitically-charged terms. traits we see as attractive are often results of long processes of socialisation borne from harmful systems, practices and ideologies. i know this. it still hurts.
i thought i would feel like a real person when i got a job but now that i’m employed, i still feel hollow and empty. so empty and so cold and so disconcerted. i hate this body i’m in.
