scenarios Alfred Pennyworth has to be a witness to as a resident of Wayne Manor that the batkids have absolutely no shame in front of whatsoever part 11 (masterpost here)
*as Alfred walks into the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea*
Damian, sitting on the kitchen counter: -I'm just saying it's not uncommon that women eat the placenta after giving birth.
Tim, cross-legged on the floor below, looking up at him pensively: ...did Talia eat her placenta with you?
Damian: ...i don't even know if i had a placenta. i was designed, not born, remember? *notices Alfred* oh. hello Pennyworth.
Tim, glancing over: 'sup.
Alfred, calmly reaching for the kettle, trying to remain positive about the conversation: good afternoon, boys.
Tim, turning back to Damian: are you saying Talia actually chose for you to be like this?
Alfred, confidence instantly wilting: *sternly* Timothy.
Tim, ignoring him completely, grinning up at Damian: you're like her version of macaroni art.
Damian, shooting Tim a half-lidded face of judgement: Jason came up with more creative versions of that insult when he was still zombified by the pit. i hope you're proud of yourself.
Tim, whining: -hey, Jason grew up on the streets, he's fluent in street banter! i think i do pretty well as an isolated rich kid without siblings or friends.
Alfred: *opens the cupboard for tea and. freezes.*
Damian: how come you can use your upbringing as an excuse for how you are but when i do it i'm 'a real issue'?
Tim: *snort* because you use your upbringing as an excuse for killing people.
Alfred, voice weary: ...boys.
Tim and Damian: *look over at him*
Alfred, slowly reaching in and bringing out a large glass jar filled with clear fluid, submerging what is clearly a human organ: do either of you care to explain what this is... and why it's in my tea cupboard?
Damian, swinging his legs: *blinks slowly* oh. that's Timothy's spleen. i won it from my grandfather in a game of online chess and he overnighted it from the compound. *pause* and i put it in the cupboard because Father was here a few minutes ago and he doesn't like looking at our organs.
Tim, head snapping over to Damian and narrowing his eyes suddenly: won it in- you said you snuck over and pulled off some great big fucking heist! you little- *abrupt pause*
Tim: you beat Ra's at chess?
Damian, blankly: mother designs her macaroni art to be good at strategy games.
Alfred: *looking at the jar in abstract horror*
Damian: -anyway, back to the original topic; Timothy. women eat the placenta all the time. how is this different?
Alfred: *whispering* why is his spleen outside his body?
Tim, back to being pensive: i dunno Dames... it might make me sick. i'm suspectable to that now.
Damian: well maybe this will fix that! look, it was already in your body; i don't see how putting it back in there could be bad in any way.
Tim: well yeah- but it's different when the entrance to it going inside being used is my mouth.
Damian, making a face: what do you want me to do then, put it up your ass?
Tim: i don't know why we have to do ANYTHING!
Alfred: *still staring at the jar*
Damian: i'll season it really good, i promise.
Tim, mouth twisting uncertainly: mmm......
*Duke walks in, glancing up from his phone*
Duke: 'sup fuckers. -and Alfred. Alfred isn't a fucker. love you Alfred. what's going on in here?
Tim, bitterly: Damian's trying to peer pressure me into eating my spleen.
Duke: *squints* is it not inside you already?
Duke, looking down at Tim: what are you waiting for? do it pussy.
Damian: *grins in triumph*
Alfred, eyes still not able to be dragged away from the jar: ...i think we need to update your medical records, Master Timothy.
Tim, wrapping his arms around himself on the floor: -and i think i need compensation. i only just got used to having older siblings, and now i have two younger ones. and they both want me to suffer. this is an entirely different ballgame. i'm in danger.
Duke: i'll get the paprika.
