The Tianlong Lab

DiDi • in the jjk hell

[didiwaffles]

Lurking in, are we?

DiDi ♥ she/her & they/them ♥ queer ♥ non-binary ♥ neurodivergent ♥ adult ♥ artist & writer

ABOUT ME RULES

MY ART AO3 FICBOOK

SCOPE FOR FANTASY

If I'm gone, that's what might've happened

If you speak Russian, you can join my Telegram for extra ramblings and early access to my art and kitty pics

Commissions/requests are closed

All work belongs to me unless stated otherwise. Do not copy, repost, modify or feed into AI.

Pfp designed and drawn by emypony

[didiwaffles]

so um remember how i said that I might be autistic?

yeah no I'm 100% certain I am now that I've listened to the experiences of other autistic people and went "oh that's why"

tw suicidal thoughts

I was hesitant earlier not because I thought it had to be bad to be valid (I've known that if I am then I'm low needs) but because I'd listen to autistic people experiences and was like "uh I don't know this isn't really what's happening in my case" so I wanted to get diagnosed first before claiming anything for sure... but at this point I don't even need that because I can no longer attribute these things to adhd

I started suspecting it a while ago but as I said I was hesitant (hello imposter syndrome my beloved). It was pretty obvious I was somewhat on the spectrum but I didn't know if it went beyond adhd (cause some things are similar and I didn't want to make a leap).

First thing that was making me suspicious for a while is sensory sensitivity. Like not being able to eat food that I don't like the look of, the smell hit me and now I'm throwing up even if it's fine, the texture is weird goodbye. That's obviously not necessarily a sign of autism, adhd does that too. As well as when it comes to a bunch of other small things (dino hands and spacing out are the ones off the top of my head but I know there's more)

But two days ago I got recommended a video from a psychiatrist talking to an autistic woman about differentiating platonic and romantic attraction and it hit me. Oh it's the autism that does that.

This is like a huge thing I've been struggling with because I can absolutely for sure tell you when I was actually in love, but in the moment there's no difference for me between "I want to hang out with you so badly and be your friend let's play games and talk for hours" and "I love you and I want to spend my life with you I'll literally do anything for you" and it ruined at least two friendships for me

Then I got recommended a video from an autistic creator I've watched before, and she was talking about stimming there, and I've watched videos about it before but I never identified with it because fidgeting is the adhd thing and I thought it was that cause I don't flap my hands and never did. But I bite my nails. I pick and bite at the skin on my fingers. I pick on mosquito bites and cuts, until I bleed, before they can heal, my arms are all covered in those scars like I'm a leopard. Surely that's not stimming, right?

So I tried flapping my hands today, even if it felt silly. And I can't even explain how satisfying it felt (granted that I've been in a perpetual state of stress for years now)

And so just now I got recommended a video about meltdowns. I've always thought I didn't have those (GIRL HOW ARE YOU STUPID YOU'VE EVEN BEEN CALLING THOSE MELTDOWNS OH MY FUCKING GOD) and I wanted to see if maybe I was wrong (YES??) and long story short yeah in fact I'm having those constantly and some are silent, some are loud and violent (and oh how did the "you're being manipulative" line punched me right in the gut), and one once led me to go to the psych because I was confident I was going to kill myself AND IT WASN'T DEPRESSION DOING THAT (well of course it's the reason behind everything but depression isn't violent like meltdowns are)

Anyways. I'm gonna show this post to my psych whenever I see her again (I've been meaning to compile this stuff for a while but kept forgetting in the moment so thank you tumblr I guess :D)

[didiwaffles]

i miss you. :c

I'll be honest I miss me too 😔

[didiwaffles]

the irony of there even being rules for the comment section under a video where sukuna fangirls are being compared to hitler apologists

"be civil" you're literally calling people liking an anime character nazis

[didiwaffles]

A little ramble about my blorbo

Even before I knew what jjk was, I knew that I was going to be in love with Satoru Gojo. Bits and pieces I saw were enough to understand that he's exactly the type of a character that I'll like. And I was right. From the moment I saw him I knew he was the guy. The type of character I love in my anime. But he didn't become my blorbo for a while. My comfort character. Not after I've finished season 2. Not for a while later. Not until I've rotated him enough in my mind.

That's why I'm kinda pissy about the "of course he's your favorite character he's the strongest he's hot etc etc you're a typical girl" crowd. Because him being the strongest isn't what made me love him. It wasn't his personality. It wasn't his design. I do love all of these things but they weren't what made me love him to that degree. And that's why such a shallow view of him lowkey triggers me.

It's the fact that despite all that, despite being pretty, famous, rich, the best at everything he does, having lots of people around him, despite caring about those same people, doing things no one asked for but he decided to do just because he thinks it'll make their day brighter... Despite all those things that I don't have and maybe will never have... He's still alone. There isn't really anyone who cares about him. Who sees him. Who's there for him. Not in the capacity he's for them. For whatever reason, it doesn't matter. He's still lonely even in a noisy room surrounded by his friends.

And maybe in the end it isn't my fault. Maybe I'm not "wrong" and not "maybe if I was different things would be different". Maybe I too deserve a hug yet there's no one who'd give it to me, for one reason or another. And if I weren't me... things wouldn't be different. Not in a meaningful way. Because I don't need to be fixed. Because I'm not the problem. Because I too can be loved and deserve to be loved.

And I really need someone to speak those words to me. Even if only to my subconsciousness. Because that's the only thing that keeps me going at the moment.

[justslightlyconfused]

That ‘comment on your a03 work’ email hits like a line of cocaine every time. unmatched dopamine increase. shoutout to everyone who leaves a comment on fics. you deserve the world

[i-am-a-fish]

after much deliberation I have completed a simple task that took me less than 10 minutes, and I'm happy to report that this time it only cost me about 3 days of dread

[decay1ngstatic]

where is jiah where is jiah -> jiah is making angsty toji art, okay? // tw blood (nosebleed) . inspired by this liddol snippet i found on pinterest and ‘the kiss’ by gustav klimt.

the writing reference:

this is when jiah dies in the lore. btw

[tofutomato]

you gotta read, you gotta write, you gotta draw, you gotta watch films and shows. there is literally NO time to be employed

[didiwaffles]

I fucking love satoru gojo

[didiwaffles]

I'm drawing him and I'm actually giggling blushing kicking my feet why is he so cute and pretty it's unfair

[didiwaffles]

I fucking love satoru gojo

[oddly-romantic]

(hears a song lyric) this would make a great all-lower case fanfiction title

[violsva]

(hears a song lyric) wait, i've seen this as an all-lower case fanfiction title

[marvelous-goose]

(sees all-lower case fanfiction title) wait, i know this song

[solamaryllis]

the trinity

[didiwaffles]

first part is 12.5k words just kill me okay

it might be the longest but still

[didiwaffles]

it is not in fact the longest because there's part 3 with 13.6k

and then there's part 2 that I just can't make longer than 7k words

sex be damned

[decay1ngstatic]

I haven't been reading fics lately, at all. Busy with personal projects, not in the mood, etc. But now that I need to finish my own fic and am in need of inspiration... Yeah you're my inspiration, thank you very much I'll be rereading your fics mwah

WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO ME?

[didiwaffles]

because I love you mwah mwah

[didiwaffles]

first part is 12.5k words just kill me okay

it might be the longest but still

[didiwaffles]

Well fuck me

Final touches she said and then proceeded to make something that was only mentioned before into a theme of the entire fic

It WILL get bigger yet and it was supposed to be a oneshot ffs

But I do like it. It's more dramatic with these changes and I don't usually write drama, not to this capacity. Usually I write like "they met, they fell in love, they fucked", this time it's more of a back and forth and it does make sense with the initial idea I started writing this fic for

Jfc I do be rambling on and on

[didiwaffles]

Happy birthday to meeeee

I decided against doing birthday art (totally not because I accidentally spent the entire day in moba) but! good things happened and me happy!! and me will have cake! yay!!

I will have new art soon tho (for the upcoming toru fic, I'm basically getting the finishing touches done and will draw an art for every part there's 88 pages rn btw) so don't worry about me I'm doing good

[didiwaffles]

I was expecting today to be one of the worst birthdays (because I fully expected to not even have a cake yet alone any presents and shit) but it ended up being nearly the best in past like 10 years

I got a few presents from grandma, got money from two people so I not only got a cake I also gave myself a skin in mlbb I've been trying to get as a present, I also had my nephew visit and we had a bbq and played (and failed miserably) a game or two

Overall it was great, especially compared to spending that day in no way different to the rest of them

On another note having a person I've barely ever talked to wishing me happy birthday and sending money as a present was fucking weird but hey I ain't complaining. I had a history with his father subtly acting like he considers me as a potential match for his son or something it was fucking weird yeah so I do suspect there is something happening.... But if he hopes to get laid he'd have to work harder smh (but tbf this is already way out of what my ex did to get there which he does come back to every few years lmao also they have the same name lol) the bar is abysmally high (satoru gojo is the bar the dude stands no chance) (unlucky should've been born a girl I'm down for toxic yuri anytime)

Anyways yeah it was pretty great I'm feeling good yay

Wish me happy birthday or ten thousand years of misfortune on your blorbo