I still think Martin is a ghost @didnt-actually-die-here - Tumblr Blog

funniest statements from the magnus archives in no particular order:

spiders, but they hate you personally

that one guy who was paid to keep a clearly fucked up coffin in his living room and just decided to fucking ignore the weird shit. (king)

band that is so bad at music that you die

a pile of worms stole my phone and texted my coworkers

man who admits he killed another man because he had a spooky vampire name

guy who felt the need to just dunk on this one guy for 10 minutes because he was a shitty drug mule. he also got his bones stolen. this is only mentioned at the very end.

twink with knife hands (cool)

Two random men walked in and stole my shipping company

fucked up monsters taking an anatomy class but are very polite and on time so its cool and sort of endearing.

jon talking about how he has childhood trauma about an evil spider monster. only funny because i’m binge listening to this podcast and last week listened to him make fun of how stupid the idea of an evil spider monster is

bone stealing man shows up again and opens a gym to help people get fucking shredded.

the plumber who shows up to the middle of a creepy monster circus in the middle of the night, looks at the pipes overflowing with blood, goes “there’s your problem” and just fucking pulls out a mass of flesh and then…leaves.

they literally just let him leave

monsters have to invite him back to try and kill him again because he was so unfazed the first time

sazandorable

i’m super fond of the tax auditor who investigates a shop run by a gang of changeling creatures, notices the fake human in charge is acting weird but goes hey my nephew is autistic i get it no eye contact that’s cool no worries, and eventually concludes that whatever it is they’re doing in that shop it wasn’t tax fraud so it’s Not His Problem

#tma

waddup-its-homegirl

saw someone on instagram do this but with the hunger games.

#tma

asherlookit

was scrolling through the "the mechanisms was Jon Archivist's college band" tags on ao3 and misread "martin finds out Jon is the lead singer of his favorite band" as Melanie, and i honestly think that would be a hundred times funnier. imagine your eldritch boss who you fucking hate but sounds vaguely familiar asks what you're listening to one day out of awkward obligation to make British Small Talk and you roll your eyes and tell him he probably doesn't know them and then you drop their name and he goes very still and flushes and suddenly Jonny D'Ville is speaking in your airpods and you're looking at your boss (who again, you fucking hate) and your world crashes and burns

#tma

murae-nidae

i can't stop making bad bumper stickers

[edit: description added to alt text]

ceaseless-tosser

the 'i rode a merry go round at the london zoo' thing was great for many reasons but mostly the implication that it had happened in a 'weird time' in Jon's life as if this right here right now is not perhaps the weirdest fucking time

#tma

cldhead

can i have a cigarette?

cabinette

OH. OH MY GOD.

THATS NOT ARTIFACTING. THATS THE BODY SWAYING.

HOLY SHIT.

#tma #fanart #ooough

stratfordsympathizer

i love when ppl draw elias bouchard wearing like anachronistic ass emerald green waistcoats and a monocle in their fanart bc it makes s1 so much funnier to think about. like you know what? yeah actually if i was jonathan sims and my fucking freak of a boss dressed like that and did an evil monologue voice at all times and paid me to read ghost stories in his basement all day, i would also probably be like "yeah this is a deeply unserious job and i am the only normal person here. sick paycheck tho" and then clock the fuck out without ever thinking about those fuckass statements again!! like what are we dunking on him for!! who would chalk that up to anything other than "my weirdass boss has clearly taken his eccentric edwardian magician LARP too far but goddamn if that check doesn't come in every month"

#tma

indigonite

comic of Magnus mag29 I’ve been meaning to do for a while.

Because you’re going to challenge Death, you better pick a game you’re good at

(just kidding I suck at Balatro)

#tma #I got pretty good at Balatro but very few people are good enough to bet on THAT

cocoabats

In the panopticon

#oooough...#tma #fanart

montic0

The Magnus Archives, Ep 1: Anglerfish

#tma

ieattaperecorders

What lurks behind the smile?

thevoidcannotbefilled

[Image ID: A black and white horror themed artwork of the Distortion from The Magnus Archives. The image is an abstract concept of the Disortion and the halls. The piece centers on the Distortion. She has a wide, crooked smile that stretches across the width of the image. There are vague shapes of a jacket, a pencil skirt, and sharp hands. Another larger but more hidden smile is overlayed across the center of the piece. The background is of various twister doors and hallways that arent not entirely clear where they start and end. Another smile is behind a door in the top left. End ID].

#tma

sewaryka

one of the scenes i feel like we as a community don't talk enough about is jon giving this ant guy a promotion in mag 184. easily one of the top five funniest moments in the series to me

jon perfoms a jesus-tier miracle, manages to use his evil powers for something (debatably, but still relatively) good, a huge moment for him, and the two reactions he gets are basically:

"this is only a slightly less terrible fate than being tormented by thousands of ants for the rest of the eternity forever"

and

"what?.... oh okay so that can happen... SURE i guess... whatever... why am i even surprised... can we go now"

#tma

clowniconography

gertrude robinson will see a promising, intelligent young man and go “is anyone gonna traumatize that” and not even wait for an answer

#tma

mumblesplash

actually while i’m here: jonathan “gotta compromise the structural integrity of my skeleton before i jump into the Crush You To Death Dimension” sims is fucking COASTING on the quality of his voice. this man impulse-murdered a coffee table with an axe because he was pissed at the eldritch being imprisoned within it and was SURPRISED when destroying the horror prison released the horrors. by season 2 he is accusing his coworkers of murder for being nice to him and is literally on a first name basis with the autonomous physical manifestation of losing your mind. he makes the most absurd possible choice at every turn and somehow STILL manages to come across as straitlaced and reasonable because he talks like if a bbc documentary voiceover was disappointed in you personally

#tma