Diffident Desires

A poetess looking for answers in the animated sky.

[diffidentdesires]

My story, no fiction, no filter

Once upon a time there lived a girl, she laughed, she cried, she won the world.

She smiled at everybody and gave everyone love, but somehow she rarely got blessings from above, 

Her heart was strong and her life was brave, wasted hard work and nothing to save.

Things came to her a little harder than others, careers dropped and lost lovers.

She believed in more, she craved more, she worked for it, her heart couldn't bare it anymore.

With suppressed feelings, anxiety and panic, her will to live used to get manic.

Loved ones took care of her, tried to pick her up, never could they understand how to fix her up. 

They asked and promised, comforted and loved, all her problems and worries were shoved. 

In between her giving up and working still, she found reason, purpose and will. 

She understood that she was blessed than most, that what matters is here and not lost. 

She had people, love and bonds so strong, family like friends who came all along. 

What matters was here and what matters stay, what doesn't stay was bound to go away. 

Understand her heart, understand her mind, understand it is good to be kind. 

Understand that if right now things don’t feel right, it's because you see it in the wrong light. 

Look for the silver lining on this dark cloud, that’s what my story is all about.

Diffident Desires

[diffidentdesires]

You're ready to leave all wants and happiness because you're scared it's too much? Too weird? People will judge? Really? You're okay with regretting leaps you didn't take because you were too afraid to lose what you have now? But what about the what ifs? What about the risk of finding greater happiness? Doesn't that fuel you? Doesn't that passion drive you crazy if you don't do anything about it? Take that leap, my friend. Please. Trust me. You're not moving forward just because you're not going back.

Diffident Desires//Conversations with my heart

[diffidentdesires]

The void #poetry #poetic #poem #poems #poetsofinstagram #writer #writing #writersofinstagram #love #heartbreak #lovepoetry #broken #understand #heart #holeinmyheart #void #spilledink #hole #diffidentdesires

[diffidentdesires]

Isn’t that miracle enough?

[diffidentdesires]

The day I fell in love with you was the day I started hearing your name floating in the air. I burnt myself Inside Out just so I could give you light. But things weren’t so easy, so I said I will lift your chin and raise your crown high and kiss you full of love you can’t deny. But you didn’t want me and I? I looked in your eyes and knew that it was you. It was always you. Lifetime after lifetime. When you left, I understood why storms were named after humans. You loved me but not enough to settle, not enough to come back. I still hear your name in the air, I just no longer try to catch it. But you see, our hearts are monsters locked in rib cages. People put me down enough, I started to believe it. I felt this guilt for letting you go but then I felt this guilt for trying too hard. I pulled this strength out of myself. Diamonds were made under the weight of the world you see. One thing I knew for sure, I wasn’t going to fall in love again, I will stand tall.

Used by a man who can’t love

[diffidentdesires]

And in that moment I felt like a body who's here for no reason. Like a body without a soul. It was crazy and stupid and I don't even know. I felt as useless and worthless as i could feel. I felt like there was no reason or purpose for my existence. And just then I got a text from a friend saying "you're useless, you can't do anything properly" and yes, he was joking but that state of mind told me that he wasn't. He confirmed my fears and I just felt broken. And I wondered if I could ever be fixed. I felt numb and cold and like my soul was being drained out of my system. Like everything good inside of me was being sucked out of me. Like I was being kissed by a dementor. I felt like right now, I could use a good friend. Like I should end this and smile and laugh but I couldn't. That positivity was sucked out of me. And I saw my friends laughing and it felt so alien and unfamiliar to me that I didn't know if I could laugh. I needed a hug. I needed somebody to hold me. I needed nik. I needed something. I needed a patronus. There wasn't any. Nobody. Nowhere. I was just here. A body with no mind or soul of her own being pulled into different directions. Resisting, hurting myself even more. Let it go. Stop resisting.

Deciding life wasn’t worth the pain at 3 AM

[diffidentdesires]

And I thought we could both just turn our heads away from this world and breathe in each other. We could seize the moment before it could ever try to seize us. We were two best friends with our heart beats intertwined along with our fingers. His touch, electric. My heart, racing at a million miles per hour. People kiss when they’re attracted to each other. We kissed because words could no longer accurately express what we felt for each other. I believed that we could not be whole by simply wishing for it, we could not taste greatness like that either, we needed passion. It matters not what you’re passionate about, only that you are. He was passionate about me and I, I could start fires with what I felt for him. He taught me to be brave. I pushed my way in his heart and made him love me. I can’t even remember what it was like before I met him, I don’t even know how we got here but maybe that is exactly what I needed. Someone who could make me forget where I came from, what I went through and someone who could make me love without knowing how to fall.

why did I fall then?

[diffidentdesires]

I saw more of him disappear than I ever got to know, I thought I saw cracks in him and I ripped out pieces of me to fill them up. I just wanted to love him in a way that it would be impossible to walk away. But they weren't cracks in him, they were cracks in me. And he just smiled at me and said, "I understand. You see, The heart in you is the heart in me."

Nights of trying to understand why he left

[diffidentdesires]

W H O A M I?

#DiffidentDesires #Poems #Poetry #whoami #lost #writing #writersofinstagram #poetsofinstagram #papergirl

[stargazerinmoksha]

The night is older– The smoke is stronger, but I… I am still the same.

Thoughts are stronger than nicotine (via poetryleftbyher)

[lifeinpoetry]

For each of us as women, there is a dark place within, where hidden and growing our true spirit rises, “beautiful/and tough as chestnut/stanchions against (y)our nightmare of weakness/” and of impotence.

Audre Lorde, from “Poetry is Not a Luxury,” Sister Outsider: Essays and Speeches (via lifeinpoetry)

[huffpost]

Leonardo DiCaprio Wins Best Actor For ‘The Revenant’

[diffidentdesires]

Lets get lost guys. Together.

And help each other find each other. 

Who’s with me?

[diffidentdesires]

A conversation with my heart

I closed my eyes and listened to you today. Like sincerely, just listened in the hope to extinguish this fire of restlessness. You've been inside of me since I started existing and I never listened, heart. What sort of a person does that make me? You keep me alive when you constantly beat and yet I never really listened to you. Maybe because I couldn't  through all the noise of the outside blocking the serene beating of inside. Maybe because I didnt know there was serenity to you, heart. I knew it was there but who cares about a heartbeat? You've kept me laughing and healthy. But when are you going to stop aching? What about the times you just ache for stupid reasons and nudge me to make stupid decisions? You have to put a hold on that, you know. My brain's really tired of this internal conflict now. Stop aching for something you'll never get, heart. Stop aching for someone who isn't yours. Just stop aching, will you? Is this vengeance you're taking because I didn’t listen to you? I'm listening now, see. I'm listening to you beat and this constant music calms me down, it tells me i'm not alone, that i'd never be alone.

Good. Now that you've stopped aching, will you stop yearning too? Okay I know I'm asking for too much but its really difficult to go through with something you don't want. I've got to listen to my brain, you know. He's the smart one. You're the emotional fool. Just agree with the brain, please. It would save me so much hurt if you would just understand that he knows what’s good for you, that what you want might give you happiness but it'll be temporary. So could you just stop wanting things? Oh great, you started aching again. Stop it! It would be so easy if you could just do your job and leave the thinking to the brain. It would save you so much hurt, heart. Why don't you get it? Just relax and pump blood, little guy, Don't interfere and don't be scared. Just stop aching.. 

Well, I can't really make you do that, can I? You and the brain have this all strategized, don't you. You've teamed up against me. Well, Thanks for that, heart. I thought you could be normal for once, Thanks for telling me I was wrong. Thanks for making me realize that you and I aren't different, that blaming you was easier when you were different. Thanks, heart. Thanks for nothing. 

 STOP ACHING, WILL YOU.

 I give up. It seems like its not going to go away. Like it has decided to stop aching when it stops beating.

Well, then go ahead and stop beating, Heart. 

 Diffident Desires 

[diffidentdesires]

Do you ever just have this moment where you feel like you smelled nature and felt the wind and heard the melody and had this happy gooey centre in your heart for no reason when you weren’t expecting it to happen? You know that moment of bliss?

[diffidentdesires]

I understood that lies have a way of biting you down, I understood that anger could pull you out of this ribcage and make you a miserable loser you never hoped to be, I understood that people have a tendency to remote control their partners because they're not strong enough to let things go, When I was little, I stole things that I didn't need or want just to feel that there was something in the world that I could own, I understood that love could not be owned, I understood that my heart was the size of a fist that didn’t learn to love itself unless it gave itself a beating, I understood the dance floor was the safest place to be during the apocalypse, I understood that hugs were trap doors to heaven, I understood that messy things were beautiful, I understood that to make something happen you must believe in its possibility, I know all of this, I still don't know how to hold on to this balloon called happiness, I'm learning everyday how to be human without being a bitch, And it inspires me, It inspires my bones and i'm hungry for more inspiration, Every night the sky opens its mouth and swallows the sun just to make room for the moon, What a wonderful way to live life, to be so full of light but always be hungry for more. 

Diffident Desires

[stolenwine]

This life is sometimes fire. Do you know how you look in the light? Do you know what we can see you, if you get just close enough? And do you know, it is magnificent.  You are magnificent. You, who brought the match. Have you ever been told, before, that you deserve to be seen? Seen in the light that  came with you, the light that burns every day, not only for you, but to earn you.

“To A Girl Afraid Of Tomorrow” By Emma Bleker (via stolenwine)