🪬

trying to keep up with myself

[syscultureis]

Plural culture is worrying if everything you know about the system is just wrong and that some alters weren't even real

.

[dilatedtipsy]

This. There is no way to prove perception between parts is realistic

[dilatedtipsy]

I try to limit the paranoia I share with providers because I *know* it's not real and I don't want my treatment to change too much.

[dilatedtipsy]

I wish my presentation of DID did not have the emotions so divided. I understand it is secondary to the therapeutic successes and down falls of parts. I have a part the relishes in gratitude. That the world feels warm and fuzzy for. I have parts that don't think a single thought that isn't depressive or cynical. They don't enjoy nearly anything and rarely experience excitement. I have parts that are so irritable and easily agitated it feels like they live in anger and crazy world beliefs at all times. I wish it was more fluid. The whiplash of going between them is one thing. I can learn to live with that. The void of parts missing out on entire forms of expression isn't something I think I can learn to live with. Each part has their own variation of what each emotion feels like but no single part has access to rich experiences of each.

Sometimes I wonder if non DID people are like that. My parts developed heavily based on their lived experience and have morphed in response to things. They all feel very complex in their own ways. I am only aware of how great gratitude and warm fuzzies can be because I have a part that I catch glimmers of it through. If there were no glimmers to catch I would have a very different definition of "warm fuzzies". If I wasn't fragmented would my definition of "warm and fuzzy" be different from someone else's "warm and fuzzy". For me it could be a deeply sensual experience but for someone else it might just be nice or decent. Maybe non DID people experience all of the things immensely and that is just another DID limitation. There is no proving it either way.

Maybe it is different for every person. The trope where a couple falls for each other because they are both "so deep" has some truth to it. There are people that live superficially and then there are who REALLY experience things. Most people likely fall somewhere in the middle. Any time depth of experience is brought up though someone always says over-glorifying basic experiences is cringe so maybe that is not a valid thought process.

[journalofunhappiness]

When in psych ward, remember: what you tell them, every little painful and embarrassing piece of your self you disclose in the course of therapy, will be put into your medical record. So, keep in mind that next time you open up in therapy, you do not talk just to your therapist but to every single other person who has access to your medical record. Comforting, isn't it?

[dilatedtipsy]

I'm practicing sentences for my note. Here is one I'm experimenting with.

"I know a part of you in me dies when I do, but that means a part of me lives forever as long as you choose to. I hope you let that part of me live on as long as possible."

[dilatedtipsy]

why why why why am I having to prove to those around me that I am actually struggling to be listened to. this isnt even a DID thing. it is a mental illness thing. how is this real life????

[dilatedtipsy]

like a homophobic individual trying to avoid their homosexuality I have been digging in the trenches discrediting my diagnosis's validity

[syscultureis]

Plural Culture is sometimes wondering who you would be if you were never a system

[dilatedtipsy]

I always wonder what parts of myself would be most dominant/obvious in cohesion

[yourlocaladhder]

Sorry to break yall's hearts but this is too well written of a post to not include in here.

[dilatedtipsy]

This. My family always lets me know how they are bothered by how "high maintenance" I am now. I fully take care of myself and am not dependent on them. Me taking care of myself by myself combined with the fact that I will remove myself from an abusive situation I don't want to be in rubs them the wrong way. Therefore, I am "high maintenance"

[dilatedtipsy]

Happiness. Contentment. Neutrality. If these things take the amount of effort I have learned them to, I find life to be less desirable than I thought. I don't know that any amount of good experience could make the bad experience worth going through. There is something about understanding that the "journey" is where happiness is that provokes a new wave of hopelessness. Accomplishments are only a brief rush of euphoria. Happiness is supposedly only accessible by savoring, but finding a way to convince myself fully "the present is worth savoring" is fantasy. Sometimes I think we only long for pieces of the past because of discomfort in the present moment. What good does that do in making sense of living life? Lifestyles that lack sustainability become painful and problematic. Lifestyles that favor sustainability or the "journey" lack a clear avenue to contentment. Somewhere there has to be a balance between gratification and longevity. To justify life, what is the key to satisfying both factors while maintaining integrity, authenticity, and relatability?

[dilatedtipsy]

One of the most deeply lingering things about coming from such a nasty environment is there is almost nothing mentally I was taught correct. Having to learn basic things about perspective that I witness 6, 7, 8 year olds be able to do without thinking about it it is wild

[qui3t-isviol3nt-deactivated2024]

[catchymemes]

[accessible-tumbling]

ID: A screenshot of a tweet by venus @ THECOOLISSUE with text reading: "living in your parent's house is free bc you pay with your soul"

The tweet is dated 2021-06-28.

End ID.

[traumasurvivors]

You are worthy now. You deserve love now. You are valuable now. You don’t need to wait to be further in your healing journey, or have accomplished certain things. You are worthy, as you are, right now.

[alicelilwolf]

Symphony of Chaos: Embracing the Dance Within

In the depths of my heart, emotions dance a wild tango,

Two spectrums entwined, a tempest within my soul,

Histrionic passions and Borderline's untamed flow,

A symphony of chaos, a kaleidoscope I behold.

In the spotlight's allure, I seek to find my place,

Histrionic whispers beckon, craving attention's embrace,

A whirlwind of drama, emotions on display,

Yet behind the curtain, a deeper longing holds sway.

Borderline's rollercoaster, an unpredictable ride,

Storms of intensity, crashing waves of pride,

One moment adored, the next feeling cast aside,

Frantic efforts to grasp love, like a desperate tide.

In a world of extremes, where emotions know no bounds,

Histrionic dreams soar high, but hidden pain surrounds,

Seeking validation, applause, and a love profound,

Yet the fear of abandonment is the constant background.

My identity shifts, a chameleon's disguise,

Lost between two worlds, where reality defies,

In moments of emptiness, my spirit softly cries,

Yearning for stability, a safe haven where love lies.

Amid the turmoil, a glimmer of hope I hold,

Through therapy's grace, healing's story unfolds,

To embrace vulnerability, to stand bold,

A journey of self-discovery, a tale yet untold.

In the dance of these disorders, I find my grace,

Learning to embrace both shadows and embrace,

Seeking harmony within, seeking a calmer space,

Transforming the storm's symphony to a gentle embrace.

Though the road may be rugged, I am not defined,

By the labels that haunt, or the emotions that bind,

I'll rise above the chaos, with strength I'll remind,

That within this complex soul, a true light will shine.

[dilatedtipsy]

I don't think I am ever going to be able to integrate socially and I don't know if thats a life worth living.

[dilatedtipsy]

This depression is different. I don't feel as lost. I'm not completely unaware. I filled up journals and journals since my last bad depression. Don't get me wrong, I have had some breakdowns since then, but no lingering depression. No depression that felt like it would last forever. This time, I'm worried, wont be the same. I'm insightful enough to know problems like mine can have solutions. I can see the beauty of relationships. I understand where value comes from in life and how trauma can interfere. Despite this, I don't think it is worth it. The hell I breathe in and the shit I breathe out daily is not worth it. I don't want to stick around indefinitely hoping things will sort out faster. I don't want to exhaust myself trying to experience the bare minimum of relationships. I don't care about this value in theory because I am suffering. I'm not clouded by the delusion of depression. I can see an other side. I don't think I'm willing to take that journey to get there. I am uninterested in this process and I think that makes this more dangerous. My depression this time doesn't have me believing life is not worth it with twisted narratives about how the world works. This depression is my understanding of how my future will move with the cards I have been dealt.