Diary Of A Madman

Dead again

[dildotits]

I don't want to jump to conclusions but I've been feeling off lately and I believe its because of the medication. I get into this weird state. Its almost foggy. I get excited and happy and out of nowhere come down from it. I'm not sure why it happens, which is why I blame the medication. I feel it earlier in the day like the afternoon, which makes me believe its my antidepressant. The main issue I have with it is I'm not as connected to things. I lose my sex drive. I don't feel as close to Braiden. This has been going on since Saturday, when I began taking it. I also have a headache, which I was warned about prior to taking it. I snapped out of it now but I'm sure when I take the antidepressant tomorrow it'll come back. It bothers me how I don't even know if it is the medication or if its depression. I've never felt like this before. I find it hard to believe its my depression. If it continues for the rest of the week, I'll try to stop taking it by the weekend. I sleep pretty well, know that I've met Braiden. I have more dreams and I wake up more refreshed. I'm so thankful to have met him. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. The feeling I mentioned only comes after being really happy. Its not like it makes me think negatively (its actually the opposite). I just have a negative feeling like I'm detached. I'm concerned because I love Braiden and I sort of lose interest in him when I'm in that state. I still love him dearly, but its almost like something's nagging at me in the back of my mind. I try to stop thinking about it, but I keep on and I worry that he'll think I'm losing interest in him when I have no control over it. Its like a demon controlling me. I do a good job controlling it, but I need to do better for the sake of my relationship. I only had a small pork chop and some rice and chicken today. I'm fucking starving and I regret not eating sooner. I had a hand full of food. I also ate some chips. I'm eating less and I'm worried. I woke up at 11:24 and it wasn't until 4:40 that I realized I hadn't eaten and that I was hungry. My stomach hurts and has been growling for the past few hours but I have no appetite. I could eat but I don't really want to. I will eat breakfast tomorrow, though. I'm way too hungry to not have an appetite. I want Braiden to help me change my life. I want to follow a schedule and start changing things up. Just the other day I took a shower because he did. Both of us need to motivate each other. I want to be his support system, as I know he would also want to be mine. I don't comply easily and I give him a hard time with simple things but we still work well together. I'm mainly referring to hassling him about wanting to call and not wanting him to sleep. I find the things I do annoying and I feel bad because I'm sure it annoys him, too. I'm going to stop bothering him about stupid shit.

[dildotits]

I'm back and ready to talk about death. So basically I've been fearing death for the past few days. Its almost like I had a midlife crisis. Now that I'm in love, I don't ever want to die. I'm truly happy being with Braiden. He gives me a reason to live. Before, I was willing to die because I never had someone special in my life. Since things have turned around I don't want my happiness to end. I also fear living like everyone else. They do the same thing everyday and get tired of who they're with. I'm scared I'll get married and start to lose interest in him. I don't think it'll happen, but there's a possibility. Not everyone knows that it'll happen. Its unavoidable, as well. At the moment I'm scared of school. I have work I need to do but I'm not sure I can even take that class. I never filled it out on my sheet and I got bumped down a class from shifting from IB to honors. Sigh. I don't think I'll take that class. I want to but I don't think I'll be able to. I had to do credit lab for half a semester of Chemistry but never did it because I chickened out when I had to call someone. Now I might either take that class in replacement of an elective or retake the class. This sucks but oh well. I already haven't enjoyed high school so it doesn't matter. It won't make me hate it anymore than I already do. I keep getting worried about being alone next year. I have no friends in IB and Honors. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hang out with anyone this summer. Everyone wanted to make plans with me but I don't want to leave my house. I wish I had a best friend. And not Braiden. I want someone who goes to my school to be a friend. I'm glad I came out of my shell because it'll be easier to talk to people. I'll be more open and confident. I hope I end up bringing up random conversations with people. Nothing awkward and weird. I hope someone new pops up since I kind of hate everyone there already. I need a fellow metalhead. Someone who has similar interests to mine. Who knows? Thomas popped up out of nowhere. Hopefully I have something like that happen. I just don't know what I'll do or where I'll sit. Last year, I would sit where I wasn't isolating myself like sitting in the back of the room. That would give people the wrong idea. I'm not a loner. Well technically I am, but I don't want them to know that. I'll think of something.

[dildotits]

I now have to rewrite what I just wrote because I accidentally got out of the app. Its been awhile since I last wrote something and I have a lot of different shit to bring up. Some good, some bad. First, I now have a boyfriend. Braiden is my everything. He's perfect in every possible way. I eat, sleep, and breathe Braiden. I don't know where I'd be right now without him. I'm now over Nikki, just for Braiden. I mainly stick around him now because I feel bad for him since he still likes me. I also had another friend that liked me as well and I only talk to her randomly now. She sent nudes, made things awkward, lied a few times. Eh. Not into it. But I kind of want to start from the beginning of summer break since I'll get a better understanding in the future. Initially I had argued with Thomas about how he started talking to me less. He used busyness an excuse, along with a million other things. I told him that if he doesn't begin talking to me more I'll just give up on our friendship because I don't like being where I don't belong. He misread a good amount of what I told him and just kept talking about being busy, although he can easily make time. I put up our conversation on Google plus and Braiden had commented on it and I started talking to him through hangouts again. I completely forgot I knew him at some point. We started dating the day we talked again, June 9th. We've already been together for a month. I was horny and was pretty much being dumb. I regretted it right after because I still loved Nikki at the time. Nikki was far more important than anything to me. I realized how perfect Braiden was and I was a little annoyed by it. I'm getting sidetracked but I'll continue in a second. So I knew Braiden and he was pretty much my friend and sometime the week I argued with Thomas, he called and just insulted me the entire time. I hung up and argued a little more after. I finally just said "Have fun trying to get your head out of your ass on your own." He's stuck up and arrogant. I hope someday he learns from it. He hasn't talked to me since and hasn't read my last few messages on kik. He later changed his name on kik to Tom: the literal best. I fucking died. So I lost my best friend and started talking to Braiden, Robert, Connor, and Ned more. I only have online friends and I'm terrified about going back to school with no friends. I just don't want to sit alone. It strikes my anxiety thinking of it. Braiden is almost like my twin. Except he doesn't complain as much as I do and he never puts himself down. He helped me come out of my shell. I feel so open now. I'm very open when speaking on the phone, unlike Nikki or Jon. I curse a fuck load, even in public. I've cursed a few times in front of Grey. I stop myself before I finish, though. I still loved Nikki while being with Braiden, but after sometime my attraction to him went away. I feel like now I only have eyes for Braiden. I've been isolating myself from my family a lot. They've always put me in that position but now I feel guilty. I shouldn't but I do. I feel unmotivated to anything. Hopefully I sew something tomorrow. I've wanted to do so many things but never got around to any of them. Playing guitar, getting a job, sewing, drawing, school work. I've done nothing. My birthday is in four days and I'm excited. I'm not sure what to expect but I kinda think I know what to expect. I might be getting a leopard gecko, which is really cool. If I don't, oh well. I might name it Scrambles the death dealer. I'm also very open with Braiden sexually. We have "phone sex" often. If jerking off and saying sexy shit to each is phone sex then yeah. He's so adorable. I live how supportive he always is. Whenever I'm upset, he's there for me. He can easily make me smile. If I didn't start talking to him again, I honestly believe I would've committed suicide this summer. Or at least be extremely depressed. As of recently, I went to a psychiatrist and got two different types of medication; One for depression and the other for attention. Hopefully they work by the time school starts because they haven't done anything yet but give me an upset stomach. I started taking them two days ago. That's all really. I did see a new therapist but we only had three visits because of distance and she had to leave for her wedding. This summer I've felt slightly depressed, even more so now because school is about to start. Not really suicidal. At some points I did feel extremely worthless because Braiden would go to sleep but I don't want to kill myself. I lay in bed all day. I put myself down a lot. I have no motivation to do anything. I eat less now. I only had breakfast and a few chips yesterday. Sonic Adventure 2 has been getting me out of bed but that's it. I turn down almost every idea mom has for going out. Speaking of mom, she's going to get a new job. She works at the rehabilitation center now as a technician or whatever. The business is going downhill and firing people left and right. The bills are also a problem. She has to pay animal fees for owning pets. She's stressed out right now. She's overwhelmingly supportive with the depression and all. Chan's stressed out, too. I have a few more to say, but I'm really tired and I need to get up early for Braiden. Its about death.

[dildotits]

I let time pass by too fast. I thought I knew how it worked but I don't. Not when I'm myself. I want go sleep. I want to die. I get random spurs that yell at me to end my life. I'm letting my loneliest consume who I am. It lowers my self worth and pushes me closer and closer to suicide. I'm not really suicidal, but if I had friends I wouldn't think of wanting to kill myself. If I had company. And not just anyone. Someone. Someone who matters to me. Someone's who relies on me and lives me more than anyone. Someone who puts me before anybody else. Cares about my needs far more than anyone else's. That's what I need. No matter how selfish or self centered I may seem. I need someone who only cares about me. Anyone who just cares about me would see that I'd be the same way with them. Because whoever sees me as a priority is my priority. I just wish I knew somebody, but I don't. I wish I could get around and do shit, but I'm a fucking dumb piece of shit. I'm going to be stuck being alone for a long time. Nobody's interested in me. Nobody cares to talk to me. That what made William and Jon special. They acted like they cared about me. But now they don't. No one does. I'm fooled by this sick disguise people wear. Telling me that they say what they mean and they mean what they feel. And it's all a lie. They don't care about me. My only "friends" want to bring up past conversations with their friends. I do the same since they do it. I don't mean to make you uncomfortable but now you know how I feel. Thomas does that all the time and I can't stand it. I hate being alive and being alone. I want friends. I want someone to talk to. Not myself. That's all I'm essentially doing when I write on here. I talk to myself all the time. I make jokes with myself. I love it, but I wish I had someone else who felt the same way. I wish I knew someone else. I'm jealous of people who find such attractive guys to go out with. I'm jealous of attraction guys. I hate my body so much. I'm so insecure because of it. I have a problem with everything. My face, not having a dick, my voice. I wish someone could understand the struggle. I wish someone helped me to stop being lonely rather than just remind me that I am. Because I know they're busy with someone else. They always are. Everyone is.

[dildotits]

I grew up as a nobody in my family, and I still am one. I hardly have friends because of how picky I am and careful when it comes to being closer to people. I'm never satisfied with any of the friends I make. Even if I found someone perfect I would bitch and moan. I don't know why I can't stay content. It's something I'll have to work on. On Friday I hung out with Thomas. I enjoyed spending time with him, but I started to get a little fed up. It was myself. I can't stop complaining about people to myself. I just wanted him gone. We walked around the complex and went by the lake. I could tell that he wanted me to make a move, but I'm not doing that. Not with him. I don't find him attractive in anyway for me to do that. I'd ruin a perfectly good friendship. I have argued with him a few times but he's still good to be around. When he isn't complaining. But don't we all? Saturday and Sunday I got homework done. My artistic abilities come out when I'm motivated and these past few days I've been ready to get shit out of the way. I'm pissed off with how things had turned out at school with getting an F, but it's alright. It's still better than my first semester grades. I don't need to get a better grade than last time, I just need to do a good job. It doesn't matter how good. As long as it's a high grade I'm fine. I have to do credit lab this summer and I'm still confused on how to do it and where to go. I'll try and find out tomorrow morning. I'm lost though. I don't want to waste my summer doing that shit. If I get it done and out the way I should be good. I wish I had more of the summer to myself. This fucking sucks. I have to deal with these consequences and stop complaining about it. I hate this shit. I also need to glaze my sculpture and I don't know if I'll have time to. I really want to fucking do it. I fucking hate how everything I fuck up on affects me. Whatever i do backfires and it's so fucking stupid. I wish I could just spend my summer setting up shit and making art, but now I have to get community service hours and do the fucking credit lab. I fucking hate school with a passion. It fucks up all of my plans, drains me of any motivation I have left due to depression, and lowers my self esteem. I failed Chemistry, yet again. I feel like a fucking failure and my mom is going to bring it up once she gets my grades. I hate my life so fucking much. I wish I could just have a job so I don't need to worry about this shit. I wish I could make money and meet new people, rather than sit around failing classes and beating myself up over it. I probably got the highest grade on that test in English. It said I was at a 12th grade reading level. I'm smart and I can prove it to myself. I just fucked up so much in the past and never thought about the consequences it'd have. I'm so disappointed in myself. I've been overly productive in the past few days to make up for it. I would get up at 9, start my homework at 2, and finish by 10. It's already 4 and I haven't done anything but talk to people and wait for something new to pop up. I'm pathetic. So I guess with family I could say that I tried talking to my brother. I sat in his room and we were okay but he kicked me out because his friend was uncomfortable and didn't know what to say around me. He always puts his friend before me and it's such fucking bullshit. I treat him with respect and all he does is yell at me or try to push me away. Yesterday he went into his room and I followed him. He told me to get out when when I asked why he was upset. He yelled at me for no reason so I reminded him that it doesn't make sense for me to accept apologies (since he apologized the other day for randomly getting mad at me) if you're going to keep doing it. The other day I was in my room alone and bored. Right before I went in my room I was trying to help my brother because he was frustrated with something, probably grades. He kicked me out after I gave him positive advice and yelling at me. He closed his door so I went into my room. I came out later and saw it was dark in his room and figured he went to sleep early because he was crying. I knew I had already pissed him off, so I let him be. I went downstairs to play with Mika and I hear someone getting into the house. My mom, sister, and brother all came in. All I said was "wow" and walked up stairs. They didn't care to invite me to walk with them. They just left. They asked him, but not me. They never care to check up on me. The only time they do is if they need something or if food's done. They don't give a fuck about my feelings because I've tried expressing them and I talk to myself. Unless I say "I was crying about this" they don't give a fuck. I don't need to tell you how much I care about something. That's my own business. My family never asks me what's wrong u less I'm crying or look upset. During those moments, I don't want to talk. Ask me another time. Plus they only care about my grades. They don't care about my feelings. As long as I'm not hanging my head, they're fine. They want me to look happy and I don't do that shit. When I'm upset, I'm also upfront. I let people know because I'm not ashamed. I'm also a little upset with how I'm going to move. My sister applied for a job and she's hoping to get it. It's far from us so I won't see her again in a while. I'm going to end up living in a mobile home. I have no problem with that and in fact it's quite exciting. I'm just going to need to get rid of some stuff. Clothes, plushies, miscellaneous. They need to go. I might have to sell stuff to Plato's Closet since I need more cash. I've only got $50 in my wallet, counting the $2 bill. I need to make money. I want to save up for when I move and for my transition. Different time completely. I went to the doctor not that long ago and it was an odd visit. I got an hpv shot, but that's not important. I had to take off my shirt and binder in front of both my mom and brother. I know my brother looked away, as I did the same for him. It was just uncomfortable because I kind of felt like my mom was looking down on me. I shouldn't worry because it's something I have no control over. I've tried to convince myself I wasn't transgender and that didn't work. She needs to accept it. At one point it almost seemed like she was going along with it, but she lost it after awhile. For both me and my brother. That's alright. I don't need them to accept me. I still feel bad that I called Thomas out for not using the right pronouns at first. That was fucked up of me to do that. I should apologize since its been eating me alive for the past few days. I've been so pissed off lately that I don't pass. I wish I could. I just want a beard so bad. They're fucking sexy as fuck. I can't wait for testosterone. There's nothing i can do in the meantime so I need to wait and accept it. I have a problem with acceptance. I want to send nudes to him but I can't. I don't trust him yet. He doesn't talk to me very often and it bothers me that even if I sent them, he still wouldn't talk to me as much. I like being organized. It almost gives me a reason to live. I set up how I want to live my life and when I accomplish something I feel an overwhelming amount of pride. I have no one to talk to right now so that's probably why I just wrote this. Everyone has been busy and I'm trapped with myself. I've been productive because when I'm alone with myself I have some sort of company. I can talk to myself, love my self, and fuck myself without having an issue. One thing I love about life is you're given a companion from the very start. It's up to you to decide how you treat them and if you like them. I love myself more than anything and anyone. Every one can piss off. I don't know if I've said this before but I've sexually harassed people online and now I'm trying to be sneaky and get nudes without having to send any in return. Life is great. I enjoy taking advantage of people for my own pleasure. Oh yeah and fuck the troops.

[dildotits]

I had a character named Blaire and he was basically what I want to be. Prideful, narcissistic, a sex god. That's how I've always wanted to be. He didn't give a shit about what people thought and he had no remorse. I still kind of wish I could be that way.

[dildotits]

I was raised in a world of hate, and I've grown to hate it. Nothing is more upsetting than trying to make the world smile when it simply will not. It's defiance for character what role compliance has in anyone's lives. It's either you stray from today or create today. Everyone is of their own. The widespread disease of hatred is nothing but a wicked game for the defenseless. Corruption erupts and destroyed what was known of the earth. It destroys the visions of beauty, and turns them into visions of hate. It turns innocence to a vile disgrace. Giving a hand has no benefit to mankind. The only benefit to mankind is power. I wish that people would wake up from their current state to see how foolish it is to let the weak die out. I'd rather live with the pride of saving one man, than owning one thousand. Today wasn't a good day. I started talking to one of my friends again online. But Nikki stopped talking to me after I got into a short argument about not believing he cared about me. He told me I could fuck off if I didn't believe him and then said that he didn't want to hear it. He hasn't responded since and now I'm waking up. I've been begging for a wakeup call. I'm restoring my pride again. I lost it for a short while, but I deserve it. I work hard. Too hard to not give myself credit. I will not let anyone talk down to me or treat me like who I'm not. You are sadly mistaken of you think I'd let you. I stayed after school for art and talked to Thomas, Victor, and Valerie. It was cool hanging out after school. I have several school assignments I need to work on. And I have a D in Algebra 2 and I need to get my progress report signed. Oh well. I'll take care of it. I always do. Don't worry. You're scaring yourself before the time's come.

[dildotits]

Not much happened today. It was alright. Thomas, tried to make it seem like he went out of his way to talk to me, when it sounded like he planned it out. It might not make sense reading this in the future, but I needed to get that off of my chest. One important thing that I learned today was how to deal with feeling lonely. I blasted music the majority of the day and did homework. I like doing homework now since I feel like I'm not just wasting my time. The music took my mind off of everything. It also helps to yell the lyrics instead of singing. It was fun. I would've walked outside but it was raining the entire time. I looked out the back door and lightning struck right in front of me. The only person I really talked to was Nikki. I don't know why I love him so much, but I do. What I was going to say before was that I was considering being a prostitute just to make money and be sexually active. That's not a good idea at all. I don't know what to do. I hate my body so much. I was looking into testosterone therapy and I might end up paying a shit load. I already need a therapist. This is going to be annoying. Dealing with the next few years of my life in a body that restricts me from having the kind of fun I want to have. I fell asleep while writing.

[dildotits]

So today has been a weird day. Not good, not bad. But I guess it’s been good since it wasn’t bad. Random things had happened. First Thomas kept ignoring me in a way. He kept walking away from me and purposely avoiding me. He claims to not have done it on purpose, but its hard to see it like that since it happened often. He’s very two faced. He told me he’d talk to Victor less and he did the complete opposite today. All he did was talk to him. During lunch he saw me, didn’t say anything, and walked away with Victor. It’s fucking rude. He also keeps making these dumb comments for no fucking reason. I keep arguing with him because he doesn’t know what to say and what not to say. He claims he does, but that’s definitely not true. He told me today something about my list and that he was going to laugh after someone taking advantage of it, even though he made it sound like he’d do it. He tried to cover it up like it’d be someone else. I don’t fucking know what’s wrong with him, but he’s extremely self centered. He doesn’t listen to me, has shitty excuses, and lies. Honestly if he says another lie, I’m fucking done with him. The first time it was about him being deathly allergic to cats yet he always wants to wear my sweaters, which are covered in cat fur. It’s fucking dumb. Then it was about him wearing a shirt that had three sleeves and that it had all been one shirt. I didn’t give a fuck about the shirt and he didn’t seem to understand that. It wasn’t the shirt that pissed me off. It’s the fact he tried to make me feel bad about not believing him. Now I can’t. He does a lot of shit that pisses me off and I don’t know if I can stand it. He’s getting worst over time as I’m getting to know him and I doubt it’s my imagination. He needs to work on how he talks to me as well. When I have serious conversations he likes to make jokes and they’re inappropriate. All of this fucking bullshit drives me insane. Why do I even talk to him? He tries to act like a special snowflake all the time and like he has authority over almost everyone. He needs to learn his place. He claims that has takes advantage of people. I guess I’m a plan b. I don’t want to be a plan b. As for Jon, I told him that if he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, just say it. He said that he’d talk less since I was a bit of an ass. I don’t blame him. I cheated and all kinds of shit. I’ve lost my moral barometer. I reassured him he wasn’t a mistake. Oh well. I felt pretty lonely after school and started to freak out again. I’d just gotten better and I didn’t need this. Not now. I’m getting worst and I’m starting to feel lonely again. Beyond lonely. What’s beyond lonely? I have no idea. Nikki randomly talked to me, probably after I did. But he said “hi” randomly so that made me feel better again. I love him so much. And it hurts because I know that that’ll change. Because I’ll crash and see that he never loved me as much as I love him, although I know that now. It hurt staying in the house and not having anyone to talk to or not getting messages so I went out to walk around the neighborhood. I went around 3 times. It felt pretty good. It was raining while I was walking so it was refreshing, despite the humidity. I needed that. I also need to shower. I smell like shit. I smell absolutely terrible. Probably. Not really. My hair is greasy. And I smell like sweat. I don’t know what to do. Nikki said he’d talk to me later tonight. Hopefully I’m not asleep. I love him so much. I love him so fucking much. It’s such a shame. Did I ever express how I felt about him? Well whenever I talk to him I feel youthful. I feel different and innocent. I feel like I’m comfortable. I feel warm. I feel anxiety. I feel ecstasy. I feel pleasure. I feel everything. I feel amazing. I wish he understood what I was going through. But he doesn’t. Nor will he. I want to sleep really bad right now. I just feel like passing out. I’ve been starting to feel tired but it might’ve been from walking. I need to work out and exercise more. I need to get in shape. It’ll help me pass and it apparently can help with producing body hair. I need more hair on my arms, legs, and my happy trial. If I could grow facial hair that’d be amazing, but sadly I need to wait. It would be the only thing making me look masculine at the moment. Should I just take a shower tomorrow? I’m too tired and I think I need to wake up early to work on my clay sculpture. In art, I’m making a grim reaper that can also hold a scythe pencil. It’s going to be a mechanical pencil since I don’t want to waste it. I feel disgusting and horrible about myself since I’m so unhygenic. My day has been really short and boring. This whole week might feel like that. I hate school but its almost over. I’m glad I’m starting to write in here again. I promised to stop talking about my problems to people and to stop venting. So that’s what I’m doing. I’ve already pissed people off by it. I lost Jon, probably for more reasons than just that, and my brother keeps acting like all I ever do is complain. That’s fucked up considering I spend a lot of time with him where we have normal conversations and don’t talk about personal things. The RuPaul’s Drag Race season finale was today and Bob the Drag Queen won. Kinda had a weird reading today. While watching it, me and my brother worked together to put away cards in envelops and I was able to read his mind. I looked at him in the corner of my eye and saw him lightly smile. Very faint. I told him “you’re happy that we’re working together, aren’t you”? And he asked if I was reading his mind. I guess through facial expressions, I could tell how a person is thinking. I had the same thought and we both think similarly. Not the same because we disagree on a lot. My emotional intelligence was able to show me that. I’m not good at math or science, but I can read some people well. So I’m starting to get pissed off at my online friend Ned. She doesn’t even like reading my inspirational or motivating shit that’s strictly for her. Everyone nowadays think being depressed is a trend. Well it’s not. Get your head out of your ass. I have a few more things to say but since I’m tired I’ll just stop here. I was going to bring up what my future could be like. Hopefully I remember tomorrow.

[dildotits]

This is the last message I'm writing today. So after being terrified of being alone Nikki was talking to me. I love him so much. He may not love me as much but he's so sweet. I was scared when I almost list him and still had feelings for him. If I hadn't gone the extra mile and told him after all that shit that I still loved him we wouldn't be talking as much now. He randomly said hey to me before and that was kind of a sign that he sort of cared about me. It fucks me up how he's planning his suicide, but I understand. I can't get between a man and his wishes. I can try but it's not my place to. I don't normally rp with anyone and the only time I've done it was when I was younger with my brother. If we lived near each other it'd be a different story. I've never wanted to change myself for anyone before. Then I met him. I would do anything to please him. I lose all of my pride and live as a servant. He doesn't really talk to anyone and I think I like that since I'm kind of important to him. I want to be important. Not an add on. He calls me by my birth name but it doesn't piss me off anymore. I don't know how I feel about it. I'm glad that of all people that I could talk to, I ended up with Nikki. We were talking about different things and it was comfortable. At first he didn't know what to say to my venting and just him staying silent was comfortable. Just knowing someone was there and waiting. I think I'm going to stop venting as much. If I'm bored or freaking out I need to do some research. Maybe something pertaining to sociology and whatever the fuck I like. Probably colleges, jobs during the summer, and sex change stuff. I need to get started on a lot of work. This school year ends in two weeks and I'm nervous already. I'm just worried about my future. I was thinking earlier that if I was overall happy with my life in the future, I wouldn't mind death. It's still scary to me, but it may not be as bad. I don't know. The thought leaves me petrified and I want to sleep right. I don't feel healthy at all. I want to eat less so I can be skinnier. I want my ribs to stick. I want to work out as well. I don't know what I want. Muscles? Masculinity? Most likely. And I jerked off to Dio.

[dildotits]

I can't take the feeling of being lonely. I went to sleep for two hours just now. I wish I'd do something else than sleep, but what? My stomach hurts. I'm hungry. I don't know what to do. I smell like and sweat. No one is really talking to me. They're just doing they're own fucking thing. I font know what I did to deserve this. This is the worst feeling ever. I just want to escape from it, but I can't. I've relied on people so much that anytime they leave I panic. They don't even fucking care. No one thinks they're as important as I see them. Everyone means the fucking world to me and they're too busy to give me reassurance. What the fuck did I get myself into? I ended up loving people who don't love me back. Some of them claim to love me but don't give a fuck. I feel like a fucking failure. I try making friends and it never goes right. Fuck all of them to hell. They never help me when I need help. And that's a part of being a friend. If you can't help me during the rough times, then what the fuck are you? I can't keep surrounding myself with a bunch of fucking morons who only want advice and won't give it because they "don't know what to say." Fuck that. I'm tired of everyone doing this shit to me. And guess who's the dumbass that's gunna talk to them again? Me. Because I never learn my fucking lesson. Hopefully one day I will. I'm still panicking. I really need someone to talk to. I don't need to vent but that'll end up happening anyway. Please please please someone talk to me. I really need someone right now. I don't do anything wrong. I'm a good person. I've fucked up and I feel regret sometimes. Just please please no need this. And not just now but always. I always want a friend to talk to. Maybe I need to make myself a friend of mine. But who am I kidding? I'm my best friend. I spend more time with him than anyone else. Fuck everyone. Fuck this. It's so unfair that the people who try to help out the lonely are the loneliest.

[dildotits]

So I'm alone once again. Nobody wants to talk to me at the moment. Thomas is busy. Some new girl online isn't really interested in talking to me. Jon went to sleep. I wish I had a backup plan. A better one. I can't think of anything. I just like wasting my time being with people. It gives me purpose. My grades increased when I met new people. When I made friends. Now that I feel like I'm losing them, what's the point? I keep losing my motivation. People don't understand what it feels like. The people surrounding me that is. My friends and family. They just get it done most of the time. But I don't want to do it unless I'm gunna do it right. There's no point in purposely fucking up. I'm extremely forgetful. I wouldn't be surprised if my brain was failing on me and I'll end up having amnesia. I can't recall anything. Only unimportant things. I thought today was an even day and it wasn't. It may not seem like a big deal, but I feel like I'm losing brain cells. It isn't normal. Maybe it's because I'm given so much to remember that I can't remember it all at once. I'm trying and I can't. Sometimes while talking I stutter or have to pause for a long while before I know what to say. I've always been scared that if I learned too many new things I'd forget my past. And I don't want to forget my past. It's a part of who I am and where I came from. I was talking a narcissist quiz online and the statement "others like hearing your stories" popped up. I had to think about that for a second. I believe everyone does because I don't tell normally things, but sometimes people don't give a shit. Sometimes they judge me for it. I'm just fuckin lost. I can't keep my eyes open. I'd like to think that people enjoyed the things that I have to say. Maybe they don't. I'd hope not. I want to sleep right now but I can't. The last therapist, Kelly, told me that sleeping and taking naps will make you tired throughout the entire day. That's why I get scared when I'm alone. I get bored and I feel tired. That's lately. So remember when you would always take naps and hate yourself for it? Well future self you haven't taken frequent naps in the last month I believe. Maybe like two or three times all together. You can really do anything if you put your mind to it. Trust me. I put up three things next to each on the wall. The ribbon from 8th grade, the third marking period Honor Roll certificate(3.2), and the result to the AICE exam (B). You called yourself stupid all the time. You saw yourself as a retard. Well you're not. There's proof that you're not. It's just lack of motivation that's hurting you. It's not testing your brain that's causing you to lose your train of thought. If you work on yourself, you'll get better. It's a process. Not overnight. Good things will come if you work for them. I hope you realize that. I hope you're important. I hope you're reading this and you're a somebody. Because you felt like a nothing. And I'd be glad to know that you're not in the future. I wish I could take a glance into my fate. I'm terrified. I keep thinking the worst will happen. I want to be famous. I want to mean something. Not just be an idle android. I want to make a difference. I want to leave an impression on people before I go. I've felt pride before, but nothing will bring me more pride than working and living a life for others. I want to be a musician, but I can't hold a guitar. I want to be an artist, but I have no patience. My hands are destined to do what they already know. They can't stray the path, unlike others. They were built and designed to copy. I have creativity but I haven't exercised it enough. I hope my future self has a husband that accepts me and loves every inch of me. I want him to be my soul mate and best friend. Not just a man to be married to. I want two sons that I'll protect with my life and raise to change the world. I want friends who will never give up on me, never leave, and will always be my support when I'm unsupported. I want to be someone. Not just anyone. I don't want to be who I am now. I have nothing. All that I have is temporary. I want it all. I closed my eyes for a minute. It's starting to feel comfortable on my bed. I'm starting to sleep more and panic less. Little by little, life is getting better. There's a grey area. Without bad days I'll never know what good days are. And I don't think I need to use quotation marks. Some days are good. Just because they aren't special or exciting doesn't make them bad days. If anything they're good because they aren't bad days. I know the difference between a bad day and a good day. Good days are far different from bad days. Oh well. I wrote today. I guess I'll write again tomorrow or layer tonight. Oh two things future self. One, today is the day that Ronnie James Dio passed away. In honor of him, I will be jerking off later tonight to his pictures. Second, I've also jerked off to Malcolm in the Middle three times. It's kind of your thing and people know about it. Don't ask why. It just happens. Reese is pretty hot. Think I'm done for now.

[dildotits]

I really need to start writing on here more often. It'd be a lot better than spending the last hour of the day trying to talk to people who don't want to talk to me. I've gone through a lot of shit since the last post. So I guess to refresh my future self's memory, here it goes. My friend Thomas is still my friend. In fact, I consider him a close friend. Almost a best friend. I've argued with him a few times but we make up very easily. Another thing is he's slowly dying. It took sometime to understand but he got news that said his heart was at a normal pace. He has a rare condition where he feels pain throughout his body and his heart slows down. They aren't certain if he'll be better in two years or worst. He the most important person in my life at the moment. I tell him everything and he tells me a lot. Not everything, but I don't blame him. I kinda liked him for a second but I was that stopped pretty quickly. So I'm not sure the date but I met some guy named Nikki. This is going to be difficult to talk about since my feelings are mixed up and confused. I met him on g+ and within 5 minutes he sent me a dick pic and I immediately fell in love. For two days I was in ecstasy. He treated me with respect and told me he loved me. He didn't really see me as a guy and I thought I would try and fix that. So the next day he stopped talking. And the next day. And the next day. I was worried and heard that he was suicidal. I was full of confusion. I prayed he was alive. I loved him, more than anything and it hurts to say that I still do. I shouldn't, but I do. He randomly came back online and laughed. Then he left again. He came online and apologized. Then left again. I saw it as him playing with me and my feelings so I told him to "fuck off." I actually prayed for him. I went through the grieving process. I really cared for him. He came back and said that he was gone because a fucking laundry list of shit happened. He's active now, but he doesn't even treat me the same. He didn't fucking care about me. He lied. And I hate liars. That's why I don't understand how I feel. I'm so confused. He treated me like shit and randomly talks to me when he feels like it. He still sort of respects me, but its not the same person I fell in love with. I still love him and k don't know why. Opposites attract, I suppose. He is everything I hate in a person. A liar, a devil's advocate, and an asshole. But every time I see him comment or message me, I'm excited. Every time I see his name pop up. And I hate myself for not being able to leave him. Or at least end these feelings. He was transphobic as well. I was hoping I'd change that, but I can't. Not now anyway. The first day he was gone I met a person named Jon online. He was sweet and funny. I've had several voice chats with him. I was still attached to Nikki. And while I told this guy I loved him, and he said likewise, I was lying. I hate liars. Yet I lied to him. Just because I didn't want him to be hurt. I started talking to him after he put up a post about not having anyone to talk to. I tried talking to him in the past and he never wanted to. So I started to have feelings for him. I think it was all desperation because Nikki was gone. I don't think I ever truly loved him. I know I enjoyed certain things he said or did and I loved them, but I could never date him. Or love him. And as shallow as it sounds, not physically either. I tried to get over it, but I couldn't. Even if he wasn't the way he is now, I wouldn't like him. It doesn't matter to me. He couldn't satisfy me sexually either. He isn't into all of the fetish stuff I like and I used that as an excuse. The difference between him and Nikki was that he whole heartedly loved me. He wanted to change himself for me. He always apologizes. I loves me for who I am. Maybe he hates certain thinks about me, but I don't blame him. He stopped drinking as often because of me. I don't know how I could play a role in someone's life like that but I did. I treated him like shit though. No matter how much he loved me. I would just talk about myself and talk to myself to him. He didn't want to hear it. And then I'd go on tangents about no one caring about me. I even said "fuck you" to him. I was tired and passive aggressive. Or just out of my mind basically. I wanted him to treat me like shit. I wanted him to degrade me. I wanted that. But he was too nice. I can't stand people like that. I don't blame him. While talking to this guy I claimed to love, I talked to other people. I had several sexual conversations and I would sexually harass people online. I enjoyed it. It was fun for me. And I don't regret it at all. But the problem was he was my "boyfriend." Boyfriend might be an overstatement. I didn't want to date him and kept telling him it's be better to be friends with benefits. He needed more than that, though. I felt sympathy and wanted to help, but that was a mistake. I also fell in love with two other people. The relationship we had meant nothing to me. And still does. I guess I'm an asshole. And a cheater. I was everything I didn't want to be. And still am. He put up a post saying someone proposed to him. I don't know what it means, but I don't want to ask. It's none of my business. Not like I showed any ounce of care for him. There was some girl, well not girl. She's 40-something. She's sent me nudes and this happened even when I was with Jon. I encouraged her to send nudes. She's adorable and I love it. She's also married. I never realized how much power I have. But I'm apparently able to make adults send me nudes. She knows my age and is fully aware I'm under 18. I love her so much. She doesn't live in the US. She has a lot of issues and I wish I could help her, but I can't. I shouldn't love her. I think it's purely lust. Lust is what's making me love people when I shouldn't. I can't control it. It's always been that way. Always. Pleasure is the most important thing to me. The last person is someone else. I don't know they're name, but lust made me fall in love with them. I know hardly anything about them, but I love them. I'm seeing a pattern in all of this. I wish I could stop loving people but I can't. As long as I can be sexually aroused, I'll never stopped loving people. I've been starting to feel lonely again. I went a few months of not really caring to say everything that was going on since everything had been alright. It wasn't perfect, but it was near perfect. I enjoyed it. Thomas turned my life around and showed me happiness. Happiness I never thought I'd find again. And I never thought I'd find it in a situation similar to mine. I've been starting to feel kind of down because I'm transgender. I thought I was over this but I'm not. I still want to go through my sex change and I still want to live the life that I imagine everyday. I've also been questioning myself. I have no idea what my future is going to be like and it scares me. I don't want to live a life where I work a dead end job and I'm lonely. I want the opposite. And I'm scared i won't get that. I have no idea what to expect since nothing has been the same for me. I keep changing things and ideas. Maybe to compromise. I don't know. My grades got better. Last quarter I got a 3.2 GPA. I went from a 2.0 to a 3.2. That's amazing. I kept being myself up before but I really shouldn't. I currently have a 2.7 because I have two F's. Chemistry and Algebra 2. They aren't fun classes at all. But I can do this. I did it before. I know I can get this done. The year is almost over and soon I'll be a Junior. It feels as if Freshman year started yesterday. But that was yesteryear. Life is too fast and everything I want takes too long. I font know why I'm disappointed if I know I won't get everything. I can try and hope for the best. Once you believe you'll get everything you ever wanted you start to hurt yourself. Life is scaring me. I don't know what I'll do after senior year. Possibly move to California with my mom and brother and live there, searching for roadie jobs. I might do that here too. I need to train and do shit. Perhaps I'll go to that one place with the fucking sets. I could work there during the summer and set up stuff to get started. My relationship with my mom changed. We're a lot closer and I'm trying to open up more with her. I apologized for everything I've ever done. She told me that even when I act like I don't care about her she said I'll loves me. That really helped me snap out of this delusional shit I was going through where she's out to get me. She still doesn't like me as much as my siblings but that's alright. I might see my dad this summer. I don't want to but I want something exciting to do. Last time it was stressful, but I hardly ever have that much excitement. I needed that. He texted me on Mother's day but I haven't responded because I don't see the point. I don't love him. Even if "he's my dad." I don't need to love anyone that doesn't love me. That's bullshit. My brother still spend a too much time talking to his friend, but what can you do? My sister is always busy. Same with my mom. I spend all day alone. I spend all day trying to talk to people who don't want to talk to me. I harass people. I need attention. Without it I question my existence. Without it I wonder why I keep living. I tried to stay offline and ended up coming back two days later. I needed that. Oh with Jon, my way of helping him was relating. And by doing that I made myself into a terrible person. I started to lose my self esteem and started to hate myself again. It made him shut up, but I wouldn't stop talking about how much I hated myself. That was the majority of our conversations after awhile. See he messaged me about being horny and I got excited. Maybe he does care. He shows an interest in me. I guess that's also what I like. He wants to use me for sex. I love that. But I don't know what love is. I still have a lack of motivation. That's why my grades were going down. I also have to do credit lab this summer for a half year of chemistry because I failed first semester. I keep having to pay the price for old mistakes. And I guess my depression is coming back since I'm lonely. Not sure what else to add to this. I've said it all. Or at least I think so. Hopefully I come back more often so I don't waste time doing nothing.

[anik]

guess who got two thumbs and

this guy

[foxdear]

two thumbs and what

[zaof-deactivated20140807]

this guy

[dildotits]

I have no reason to be upset right now. I know that I have inner peace. I know that I've already found the place inside my soul that lets me know who I truly am and what I can do. I also know that I made a fucking joke. Never can I ever make a joke around this cunt without her calling me an idiot. I can't respect some one who can't respect me. I'm deciding on not talking to her because she's a fucking lost cause that I don't care to spend anymore time with. She is full of nothing but disrespect and hatred. She lacks enough maturity to even know what intelligence really is. Fuck her for thinking that I'm a far beyond stupid. I didn't need to respond. Why? Because I know who I am. I told myself a few days ago, along with other people, you don't need to explain yourself to anyone. Especially someone who is lower than you and lacks comprehension. She needs to grow the fuck up and realize that she isn't a fucking princess. Although she is a royal cunt. Life isn't going to be great for her because she has no idea what to do. She has ideas, but you can't make up irrational plans for the future. Yet she does it. It all goes back to treating others the way you're treated. I know she gets a lot of hate at home, but its because she's a dumb cunt. How can someone be so self absorbed and dare to say that they love someone else? She's obviously lying. And if there's one thing I can't stand, it's liars. They stand at the top of my list. Not thieves or people who are disloyal, but liars. Nothing hurts more than being lied to, I've found out. Everyone has done it to me and it's honestly such a shame. She also might've been put on academic probation, which is why she lashed out at me. I have enough self respect to say nothing, which took a lot of effort considering I've said cunt more than once right now. Her attitude is absolutely repugnant. She always drags me down. That's why I won't talk to her anymore. I'm also going to try and remove myself from Grey more because he doesn't deserve me. No one in my family does. Soon high school will be over and I'll be stuck her for another year with nowhere else to go. It'll take way to long for me to start trying to work at my dream job. I've been having a lot of issues concerning my body. For whatever reason I'm coming to terms with the fact that I have the body I have now and if I ever got a boyfriend I knew I would keep and get married to, then I would have sex. Until then I won't. It's fair because it would suck having to make him wait for me. But even so I've been thinking about having sex with fucking girls and that's bizarre to me. I hardly get that much pleasure from the body I have now. Why should I keep it? Pleasure seems like my main purpose in life. Whether it's sexual or not. I hate my body so much. When can I get rid of it? It'll take probably a year or two to afford therapy for testosterone, a year of testosterone, and three-four years getting the money together for surgery. The reason I say that is because I want to live in a place I won't pay alone. It might take up to 15 years for the entire process, but its worth it. It's something I'll eventually have to deal with. I'll be possibly 30 by the time I have the body I want. That's really upsetting. I don't want to wait so long. Fuck. I just hate it so much. It's just so uncomfortable. Every second of the day I think about it. Why can't I just do something now? When will I meet someone who understands my pain? This isn't fair. I've done nothing in life to deserve any of what I've been given. This shitty body, this never ending hatred, being ignored most of the day, being alone. I've spent way too much of my time being alone. I can't wrote anymore. My eyes hurt.

[dildotits]

It's been awhile once again. Life is really boring. I have almost nothing to look forward to at the moment. I don't want to feel lonely. And the feeling is almost gone. But it's just getting started. I'm lost. I wish I knew what to do and what to say. But I'm lost again. So I made a friend. I haven't had a friend in two years. I used to explain to myself that I should just expect whatever I have, but that's not true. Not everyone can make use out of whatever they're given. Same foes for me. They aren't the best of people, at least in my opinion. I lack the respect I deserve. I want an apology but they're unsympathetic. I'm waiting for something that'll never happen. So back to the friend, his name is Thomas. Hopefully when I read this in the future or whatever time we're still friends. He's the only person that's actually shown an interest in trying to know more about me. Nobody gives a shit. This is what I've been expecting. Someone who doesn't pretend to be interested in me. Or show favoritism. He has yet to do that. I think that's one of the best things a person can do. Treat everyone equally. My health has been bothering me. Not only have I been paranoid about cancer or diabetes, but now I'm becoming considered with my weight. That's unlike me. The main reason might be my height and age. If I was middle aged and I ate the way I do now, I wouldn't be concerned. I am now because my metabolism could be changing and could be slowing down. I haven't used the bathroom as much as I normally do. I want to take some sort of laxative or eat healthier to lose a few pounds. I always wanted to be skinny, just like everyone else. I wanted it mainly because I want to look like I'm dying and unhealthy, which I think looks attractive. It's bothering me people constantly try to use me. They won't want anything to do with me until I give them something. Like the girl from this morning asking me for my headphones. Or Valerie taking my food, which is the most disrespectful thing you can do to me. Besides talking down to me, taking things without permission is the shittiest thing you can do. I already feel like I had alot taken away from me. I don't need people to continue taking shit from me. It's uncalled for. Unless I give you permission or you ask, don't do shit like that. So yesterday my mom yelled at me because I was sleeping on the couch again during the afternoon. She wouldn't let me explain to her that I sleep a lot because of my depression. And she claimed to understand and said she was trying to help. Telling me all the time to do my homework isn't helping. Why can't she get it through her fucking thick skull that she's a dumb cunt? I have good grades right now. Better than they've ever been. I put in the fucking effort. I try hard. I work my fucking ass off. I get stressed out. I have panic attacks and anxiety attacks. And I'm fucking depressed. I went from having absolutely no motivation, not even enough to live, to trying to get homework done for a fucking class that means nothing to me or my future. Fuck you for ever thinking I don't try hard enough or all I am is a lazy piece of shit that doesn't want to do anything. Fuck you. Do you realize how much I've changed? Probably not since you don't give to shits about me or whatever the fuck I may be doing. You don't even hassle Grey. Just me. Because for some fucking reason you have it out for me. I don't know what the fuck I did. I had shitty grades and I was open about it. Grey wasn't. Yet you get on my fucking case all the time about sleeping or not doing homework. I don't have homework every fucking day. I've told you countless times that I'm in fucking honors classes. They are absolute shit. There's hardly a fucking challenger for me in these classes. Yes, its good enough for me and I don't want to work any harder, but understand that I don't get nearly the same amount of work. You should really start realizing how grateful you are to have me and not one of the fuck ups in my classes. Fuck you for thinking I'm destined to not have a future. Fuck you for thinking I should work harder than I already am. You have a lot of fucking nerve to treat me the way you do. Maybe one day you'll see when I'm not living or talking to you again. I still tend to think that there's something wrong with me. Something I don't see and it's nonexistent. What makes him so great? What makes me a shitty person? Being depressed? Needing time alone? I'm shitty for feeling isolated? So as for Tanner, I had a dream about him. It'd really be nice if I got to know him better. Or just give him a blowjob. That's all I really want. To make others feel good. Only when they deserve it. I felt off that entire day. Like I needed him. I needed him to comfort me. Yet I hardly know him. I couldn't make out the feeling before but now I know. It doesn't feel right. I just want someone to lean on. It may not even be him at the end of the day. Anyone will do. Well maybe not. Tomorrow is a Friday. I have to write an essay for sociology. I want to keep improving all my grades since now that's a lot easier for me. I'm looking at everyone in IB struggle to finish their personal projects. A lot have hardly started. It's due next week. What a shame. I would've been in the same situation. Life is odd. There's not much that makes sense to me.

[dildotits]

I wish I wasn't so smart. It sounds stupid to say, but I change stop thinking. Questioning. Life has more to it than what's presented. But they don't all know. They know what they're told. And they're told nothing, but what was. The young tell the younger what life really is. But with such little experience, how do you know? They want you to grow up with an education, with a job, fall in love, be happily married, later realize it was a mistake but stay for the hell of it, work a strenuous job, die miserably. There's more than what they don't say. And what they don't say is the truth. Life is about finding what will lift your spirits when you're down, because not everyday is a good day. They never tell you how terrible life can become. How each day will feel more intense than burning in the flames of hell. They never tell you the answers because they don't know and don't want to know. They go through it, but live in denial. It tears away at them, but they let it because they think it's a part of living, and it doesn't need to be. You grow up being told that the best stuff in life you need to stay away from. Sex, drugs, alcohol. They poison us while taking away our poison. "You should feel shame for it. For picking a life style that makes you happy. That you'll enjoy. That will ease pain and be that comfort that's needed on those lonely nights when no one else, but the dark clenches on to you." You fight for it. And rebel. When rebellion shouldn't have ever been started. Why is acceptance such a problem? Why does it matter what I choice to kill myself with? Why should I tell you how I tie the knot on my noose? That's my business. What's really unnecessary is an education. Being taught maths and sciences that will never be applied to the real world. When will I need it when getting a job as an artist? I can't remember half of it. It's so unimportant and escaped my mind.