Dillon diatlo

Writer | Comedian

[dillondiatlo]

Jokes 10-27-19

A heat camera at a tourist attraction spotted a woman’s breast cancer. Authorities are calling the coincidence life saving for the woman and sexual assault for everyone else.

Ten tons of trash have been removed from Mt. Everest, said a Sherpa when your mom finished her hike. SICK BURN. 3B) Ten tons of trash have been removed from Mt. Everest. ‘Holy shit,’ said the five 10-year-old boys who’s week it was to take it out.

A message in a bottle floated from New Jersey all the way to Newfoundland. Sources say the message read, ‘Eyyy Tony, after the shore I’ma head to the diner off exit 8A.’

Kurt Cobain’s unwashed sweater sold for $334,000 yesterday, which means someone is way too excited about sweater weather.

Researchers have taught rats to drive. Sources say the next Fast and Furious movie will now star Vin Diesel and Subject 126. 5B) Researchers have taught rats to drive, saying it reduces stress for the rats. Or at least it does until the rats forget to pick up their kids at the after school maze program.

A man has been arrested for eating Sloth Bear penises to improve his libido. Everyone in jail is now pregnant. 6B) A man has been arrested for eating Sloth Bear penises to improve his libido. Sources say the aphrodisiac worked, but no one wanted to fuck a man who ate a bunch of sloth bear penises.

“Quantum speed reading” allegedly helps students memorize 100,000 words in five minutes. ‘Fuck,’ said every student who’s entire year of homework is now due tomorrow.

A man got drunk off beer brewed by his own body after yeast took over his gut. And I got high after my snot accidentally brewed its own cocaine.

Two white moose were spotted along a highway. As expected, police let them off with a warning.

A Hong Kong parking space sold for nearly $1 million dollars. And they’re only going to be in there for like 15-minutes.

[dillondiatlo]

Jokes 10-23-19

A restaurant in Belgium is serving drinking water recycled from its toilets. “Great,” said one customer pushing away his chocolate mousse.

The Bellbird has been crowned the world’s loudest bird when singing in pursuit of love, which sucks for its best friend who has to listen when the bird complains that there’s no good guys out there.

A botched assassination attempt was reported in China after a hitman hired another hitman, who hired another hitman, who hired another hitman, who then hired another hitman. Officially marking just one more thing I wasn’t invited to.

A botched assassination attempt was reported in China after a hitman hired another hitman, who hired another hitman, who hired another hitman, who then hired another hitman, who then gave Larry David his idea for the next Curb episode.

Exxon is going on trial for lying about the Climate Crises. Their trial strategy? Tell everyone the lawsuit doesn’t exist.

Scientists have found pseudothumbs in the hands of Aye-Aye lemurs. The Scientific community gives the discovery 2 pseudothumbs up.  

Facebook deleted Russian accounts just days before Zuckerberg will testify. But don’t worry, they’re actually just deactivated.

[dillondiatlo]

Maybe I’m a Coward Or Maybe My Crippling Self Doubt is Right and You’re Not Into Me

8 PM

We meet at Anteprima, an authentic taste of Tuscany right here in the neighborhood. We order a bottle of Sangiovese. We sip. We swish. We smile and laugh. The marinated duck gnocchi arrives.

“This is the best gnocchi I’ve ever had,” I say.

“Everything's better with the right person,” you tell me, gazing into my eyes.

Okay, you’re definitely into me. You said ‘the right person’ and looked straight at me. But also, now that I think of it, you said, ‘the right person,’ not ‘with you.’ That ‘right person’ could be anyone. It’d be narcissistic to assume you meant me. Were you even talking to me? I’m an idiot and a narcissist. I’m so sorry.

10 PM

After dinner we head to Margie’s, an old-school ice cream parlor straight from the 1940s. Our hairy-handed waiter Gale plops a mountain of ice cream, trickled with fudge and bananas, in front of us. You touch the bowl.

“It’s so cold,” you say as your fingers slip between my palms and you bite your lip. “I need to warm up.”

Hand holding. You’re 100% into me...but also, if I take you at your word you just need to warm up. That’d be a shitty male thing of me to assume this is sexual. I was just the closest hand. If Gale’s hairy wolf hands were here, you’d hold those! Wait--The lip bite. But is that male entitlement to assume it’s for me? What even is male entitlement? I’m a terrible person. You’re not into me! I don’t deserve ice cream! I don’t deserve this stupid penis!

11 PM

We’re loosely headed in the direction of my apartment. There’s a Wine & Spirits. You suggest we grab a six-pack.

“You said you live alone and around here, right?”

“I did,” I say.

“We can drink at your place,” you nudge my arm.

My head is fucking spinning. Are you into me? Do you have a bad roommate situation? Is this a friend thing? Say ‘we can drink at your place because I do [or do not] have a bad roommate situation that I am [or am not] trying to avoid.’ Be more clear! Or wait- did you say that? Am I a bad listener? Oh, shit. I’m trash. I’m a piece of male trash. I’m an ogre. I’m worse than Shrek! Was Shrek even the villain? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I listen and absorb information? Now I have to watch Shrek?! Fuck.

12 AM

We’re on my couch. With each sip of the beer, you inch closer. With each laugh, your hand brushes mine until finally your fingers linger, tracing circles on my knuckles.

“Kiss me,” you whisper.

Now? Tomorrow? In a week? On the lips? Forehead? Cheek? Nose? Chin? Do people kiss on the chin? Kiss you when? Be specific! I’m not here to play games. You’re tracing my knuckles, but like, when has knuckle tracing been a thing? Knuckle tracing isn’t a thing! You’re in my apartment...do you feel like you owe me for dinner? You don’t owe me anything! If I made you feel that way, I’m a monster. Someone should cut off my dick. No, Gale should cut off my dick with his furry animal paws. He’s the man you deserve.

2 AM

We’re making out on my bed. You’re undoing my belt.

“I want,” we kiss, “to fuck you,” you say.

Why. Are. You. Being. So. Cryptic? Just say, ‘I want to have intercourse with you and it’s not because of a bad roommate situation or because I feel like I owe you something. It’s because you’re twice the man Gale will ever be and half as evil as Shrek.’ Then I will know 100%. Until then, I don’t want to take advantage of a weird situation. You don’t owe me anything! I swear. Here, tell you what, how about instead of sex I turn over and pretend to sleep while replaying this entire night ten thousand times in my head to see if there is some way I misinterpreted your interest in me and if it’s for all the right reasons. Cool? Great. Goodnight. Sweet dreams. I love you. Oh, fuck--

[dillondiatlo]

5 Halloween Costumes to Terrify Men in MAGA Hats

Instead of scaring the children this Halloween, dress up as something that will scare those who need it most. These are 5 Halloween Costumes to Terrify Men in MAGA Hats.

Instead of a werewolf, be...a Gender Neutral Bathroom

Human by day, blood thirsty beast by night. The only thing spookier than being ripped apart by a vicious werewolf, is peeing next to a person who dOeSn’T CoNfInE tO gEnDeR noOoRms. Grab a black t-shirt. Write in bold white letters across the front, “Gender Neutral Bathroom.” It’s clever. It’s confusing. And it will make men in MAGA hats question their own sexuality...CrEeEpY!

Instead of a mummy, be...a Strong Independent Woman

What’s scarier than an ancient body reanimated to kill anyone who disturbs its grave? A spoOoky woman who sPeEeAkS hEr MiNd and believes in EqUaL oPpOrTuUuNiTy. An entrepreneur, a sexy queen, a single or partnered mother. This Halloween the choice is yours, which will RaTtLe tHe BoNeS of men in MAGA hats!

Instead of a vampire, be...Colin Kaepernick’s Knee

A blood-sucking creature of the night is scary. But to really take a stake to the heart of MAGA men, make that stake CoLiN KaEpErNiCk’S KnEeEe. Paper mache, a little bit of paint, and a solid grasp on the extrajudicial killings of black people in America. This DIY costume will have men in MAGA hats screaming bLoOdY mUrDeR (about how they think systemic racism doesn’t exist)!

Instead of a zombie, be…Obamacare

Rotting flesh and a chronic hunger for human. Zombies are horrifying, but if you want to terrify the MAGA boys, cOveR tHoSe pRe-ExIsTinG CoNdItIoNs. Obamacare? Try Obamascare! Head to the doctor on Oct. 30th and wear your clean bill of health on the 31st. Men in MAGA hats will be repealing and replacing their pants...after they pee them!

Instead of Frankenstein’s monster, be...the Inability to Accept Weakness and Fathom the Possibility that Society’s Idea of Masculinity is Toxic and Wrong

Think Frankenstein’s monster riled the town? This costume will have mobs of men in MAGA hats grasping for their khakis and tiki-torches. Nothing is scarier to “strong men” than confronting their fRaGile EgoOos and sUpeRioR SeLf-ImAaAgE. This bloodcurdling costume is easy--just wear a MAGA hat. One look at you sporting their badge of honor and the MAGA men will be crying for their mommies (after punching a hole in the wall, struggling to confront their emotions). ScArY!

Up Next: 7 Frat Bros Definitely Wearing Blackface This Halloween (and their addresses!)

[dillondiatlo]

Jokes 10-12-17

I wrote 15 jokes on 10/12 and edited them down to my top 9:

Twitter suspended Rose McGowan’s account after deciding her tweets against Harvey Weinstein were inappropriate. In other news, President Trump tweeted a declaration of war with North Korea today.

Southwest Airlines announced plans to start service to Hawaii, which means we’ll finally be able to contact the people on those islands.

Only 2 chicks survived after a colony of 40,000 penguins suffered a breeding tragedy. So fellas...get in line.

Social security benefits will increase 2% next year giving recipients an extra average of $25 a month. So if you couldn’t afford retirement before, now you still can’t.

Bitcoin value surged to over $5,000 this week. AKA the majority of people still don’t understand this, but now they’re fucking pissed and wish they did.

Facebook and Instagram are down for some users in Europe and the US. While Twitter is down specifically for women trying to speak their mind.

Trump nominated Deputy Chief of Staff Kristjen Nielson for the next Homeland Security Secretary. Officials are excited to see what she can do in the 3 months before stepping down.

Facebook has announced it will sell the standalone VR headset, “Occulus Go”. Finally, now I can feel like I’ve attended all those weddings I’m not invited to.

Hurricane Ophelia is headed towards Europe. “Good luck!” said Puerto Rico.

[dillondiatlo]

Jokes 10-11-17

I wrote 21 jokes on 10/11 and edited them down to my top 9:

Catalan leaders signed documents Tuesday declaring themselves independent from Spain. In other news, the Spanish army will invade the world’s newest country, Catalan.

An elderly couple, together since grade school, died in California’s recent wildfire. Experts say they’re the first couple to go out in both a blaze of glory and fade away.

During their visit to the White House, President Trump called the Pittsburgh Penguins “incredible Patriots.” Earlier that week he called the New England Patriots, “incredible penguins.”

The Utah police officer who arrested a screaming nurse after she refused to let him collect blood samples was fired this week. “Blah! We can get fired?!” said a vampire.

The Utah police officer who arrested a screaming nurse after she refused to let him collect blood samples was fired this week. Not to worry, picking up the slack back home are his 8 wives.

Georgina Chapman is divorcing Harvey Weinstein. Said Weinstein in response, “Maybe I can change your mind with a massage in my hotel room?”

Israel informed the NSA of a breach, after hacking Moscow anti-virus firm Kaspersky. Said one Russian official, “Israel, how many more enemies can you really afford?”

Zuckerberg is being slammed after showing off Facebook’s virtual-reality feature by visiting a devastated Puerto Rico. In his defense, before virtually leaving Zuckerberg made sure to toss virtual paper towel rolls to all the victims.

Tamagotchis are returning for their 20th anniversary. So if the inability to care for yourself didn’t make you anxious, now you can worry you’re killing something that’s not even alive.

[dillondiatlo]

237 ‘Nathan for You’ Pitches; Here are my top 10

Nathan Fielder came to Chicago in spring 2017 for a festival. When I heard he was coming, I started writing pitches every morning for Nathan For You. After about a month I had 237 pitches. I narrowed them down to 10. 

I tried giving them to him. It didn’t work. I tried e-mailing them to his lit. agents. They wouldn’t look. Wasn’t sure what else to do, so here they are.

Mattress Store Objective: Increase monthly income Strategy: Maximize the use of the display room by turning it into an Airbnb Tactic:

No one uses the mattress store beds at night, so create an Airbnb of the mattress store. Put curtains around each individual bed. Lay down the ground rules of, ‘guests must be out with all their stuff by 6:00am’ and ‘check-in happens an hour after the store closes’. Put in the online description that the guests must be okay with being locked in the store over night and with passerbys watching them sleep through windows.

Water Park Objective: Get more people to sign up for season passes Strategy: Convince people this is a very clean water park Tactic:

Create a Pee Pool and a Non-Pee Pool. The Pee Pool is a pool that swimmers can get into to pee before they go into the Non-Pee Pool. This will ensure no one is peeing in the regular pool.

Enforce a “No Pee” rule at the park. Hire “Pee-Guards” or “Pee-Police” to keep watch for people that may try to pee in the pool. If they catch a swimmer who peed in the pool, they must sit in a pee shame area for 30 minutes. -----If they do not fess up to peeing, bring the swimmer to Pee-Court. If they lose Pee-Court they are forced to buy a season pass. -------New Water Park Tag Lines: ------------100% Water, 0% Pee ------------Pee Free Pools c. 2017

Dance Club Objective: Get more people to come to the dance club Strategy: Lightly guide people into the dance club without them knowing Tactic:

Create an enormous entrance that starts blocks away and casually funnels unexpected pedestrians into the dance club. This can be done through sidewalk detours. Let the pedestrians in for free, but instate a 1 drink to leave policy. -----Put a sign somewhere outside the club saying “By entering this club you acknowledge you must buy one drink to leave.”

Bagel Store Objective: Get more people to buy bagels Strategy: Force customers to bring more customers Tactic:

Open mics happen at night when bagel stores are closed. Be the only spot in town that has a comedy open mic starting at 6:00am. Make the open mic a “bringer” show, where each open mic person has to bring at least 3 people as audience members in order to be in the set. -----If same episode as Mattress Store, can advertise to 6:00am guests checking-out

Strip Club Objective: Boost business on a slow night Strategy: Open up the target audience Tactic:

One night a week offer a Teen Night, in which teens/ minors are welcomed to the strip club to watch fully clothed strippers dance on stage. Additionally, in lieu of alcohol, that night only serve soda. -----B-Plot: Nathan falls in love with a stripper and is hurt when he finds out she is with other guys. Nathan rents out a private room with her to confront her.

Rickshaw Objective: Get more people to take rickshaws Strategy: Make rickshaws that can compete with cars Tactics:

Create a rickshaw bus that can fit X-times the amount of people than a normal rickshaw, allowing the rickshaw driver to maximize his or her profits

Guarantee rides in 10 minutes or less. Train the rickshaw biker for a week to make sure he or she can make it everywhere within a certain radius in 10 minutes or less. If the destination is outside the radius, have a flatbed truck that the rickshaw driver can pedal onto that will then deliver the people to their destination.

Instead of a 1 man-powered rickshaw, create a rickshaw that uses the power of 10 men via a 10 person tandem bicycle. This will ensure a very fast delivery of the patrons.

Gym Objective: Get more people to register Solution: Give people the thing they want to gain with a gym membership Tactic:

Offer a gym package that will get you a significant other. The package can be a Doppelganger Package. Get a doppelganger of what the person will “definitely” look like when they are in shape. Have the doppelganger date people for the gym member, so by the time the gym member is in shape he or she can swap out and already be months into a relationship. -----B-Plot: Nathan can participate to prove it works, but ultimately get jealous of his doppelganger and try to meet the same girl on his own.

City Tours Objective: Get more tourists to take tours Strategy: Distinguish self from other tours by offering “Prediction Tours” Tactic:

Tours show places where things have already happened. Team up with a psychic and have a Predictions Tour that drives around the city and shows places where things “will happen.” Be very specific about the predictions. Hire people (like the Johnny Depp impersonator) to fulfill one or two predictions to show the tourists it’s not b/s.

Children’s Clothing Store Objective: Get parents to buy clothes for kids Solution: Get kids to ask for the clothes Tactic:

Hire actors to pose as firemen, policemen and other professionals children look up to. Have them lead elementary school assemblies wearing adult versions of the clothing sold in those stores. Frame the assemblies as “safety rules” assemblies, but have the speakers subtly talk about fashion. -----ie: “There is little more valuable than your life that is worth grabbing before exiting a burning house. And if you’re already wearing a fashionable outfit, you’re set.”

Day Care Objective: Have more parents enroll their children Strategy: Gain the trust of parents by ensuring safety for their kids Tactic:

Create a maximum security day care. Dig a moat around the daycare and build a giant cage with barbed wire around the daycare so no people, let alone children, can get in or out, or really go beyond a certain perimeter without being let in by a watch tower guard. -----Can also hire a guard to stand in front of the daycare with a gun to ensure the parents the protection and safety of their children. If the guns are too scary, can use realistic looking toy/ water guns.

[dillondiatlo]

Jokes (& alt. endings) 3/6 - 3/11/17

North Korea announced a temporary ban on Malaysians leaving the country, putting Kim Jung Un just points ahead of Trump in the race for 2020.

Marines are being probed after posting nude photos of female colleagues on social media. Although, the only just punishment would be if photos were published of the government probing these Marines.

The Supreme Court sent a dispute back to lower court about whether Virginia transgender student Gavin Grim can use the boy’s bathroom. This is most unfortunate for Gavin, who has now been holding it for over two months.

(alt. end) When asked for comment Gavin replied, “I’ll never try to get out of a pop quiz again.

A month after being detained by immigration officials at an airport, Muhammed Ali Jr. was stopped and questioned at Reagan National airport. I guess you could say he floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee, and is detained like a terrorist because of his name and how he looks.

Over 70,000 chickens will be euthanized after a strain of bird-flu was detected in a Tennessee chicken flock. So while we don’t know if the chicken or egg came first, we do know which will be here last… the egg.

In the past week, Trump claimed Obama was wiretapping him in the 2016 election. When asked for proof, Trump reached behind his TV and said “Look, right here!” [Photoshop of Trump holding handful of wires]

During a speech to HUD workers on Monday, Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson compared immigrants to slaves. And while many were outraged at the comparison, for others it reaffirmed that we must #SaveMelania.

Veterinarians in Thailand removed 915 coins from a turtle that ate the coins after tourists threw them in her pond for good luck. Yes, you heard that right. Vets in Thailand now have control of 915 other people’s wishes.

Israel made major moves on Sunday towards decriminalizing recreational marijuana use. In related news, the Birthright program enrollment has doubled in the past two days.

(alt. end) And it is with high hopes that every future bar mitzvah will now contain a ceremonial blessing over the pot.

Malta’s ‘Azure Window’, a famous Mediterranean landmark, collapsed into the sea on Wednesday. To recap, a gaping wide hole that men from all over the world came to gaze at collapsed on International Women’s Day.

Head of the EPA Scott Pruitt stated he does not believe carbon dioxide is the primary contributor to climate change. When asked what is, he replied,”Rick Perry.”

NASA released a photo of Saturn’s moon Pan, which they say looks like a ravioli. Experts think this could be a hint at an announcement NASA may make later this year, that our entire universe is in the dinner bowl of an enormous Italian giant. 

WikiLeaks is giving tech firms access to CIA hacking techniques, which means we’ll all have to stop planning our next terrorist attacks on TurboTax.

Illegal border crossings appear to be dropping under Trump, though if you ask Trump not a single person has crossed the border since he won in November.

(alt. end) ..., explaining why it took 2-hours last night to get my hamburger at Fridays.

Texans traded Quarterback Brock Osweiler to the Browns. Though, in today’s America, unless Osweiler hit Ms. Brown, no one really gives a shit.

Five people were injured in an axe attack in Dusseldorf, Germany on Thursday. By the end of the attack, however, it’s safe to say everyone was smelling great.

Sean Spicer accidentally wore a US flag pin upside down at a press briefing. He also accidentally hung a Russian flag on the flagpole behind the podium and accidentally sported an “I Love Russia” t-shirt he got on a vacation that “had nothing to do with work.”

In the wake of the Fukushima Disaster, radioactive boars now rule abandoned Japanese towns. Not to worry though, Japanese Prime Minister claims to currently be in peace talks with the boar’s leader, BeBop:

[dillondiatlo]

Jokes 10/17 - 10/21

GOP headquarters in Orange County, NC was firebombed with the words “Nazi Republicans get out of town,” spray painted on a nearby wall. Thus bringing a new level of seriousness to the phrase, ‘get outta town!’ (Dillon Diatlo)

GOP headquarters in Orange County, NC was firebombed with the words “Nazi Republicans get out of town,” spray painted on a nearby wall. In other news, snarky essays are no longer doing it for liberals. (Dillon Diatlo)

Samsung has changed the name of its S-Pen to just “PEN” written in all caps. Because that’s probably how you’ll be yelling it when it explodes in your hand. (Dillon Diatlo)

Samsung has changed the name of its S-Pen to “PEN” written in all caps. Though most American’s will still just call it, IED. (Dillon Diatlo)

Clint Eastwood’s son, Scott Eastwood, will pay tribute to his father by dressing in his most iconic role this Halloween--a racist conservative. (Dillon Diatlo)

Infrared scans revealed two new hidden rooms in the Great Pyramid of Giza. Pharaoh’s wife has already picked the perfect color for the accent wall. (Dillon Diatlo)

10,000 Scrotum Frogs were found floating dead in Lake Titicaca. Said one little league coach, “See, that’s what happens when you don’t wear a cup.” (Dillon Diatlo)

10,000 Scrotum Frogs were found floating dead in Lake Titicaca. Yes, that’s right. 10,000 dead Titi-Caca-Scrotums. (Dillon Diatlo)

Automaker Ford will now make the Ford Focus in a factory in Mexico. Along with the move, Ford will also change its slogan from “Built Tough” to “Built Cheap.” (Dillon Diatlo)

A sign on the Mississippi river, marking where Emmett Till’s body was found in 1955, has been vandalized and riddled with bullet holes. But the rest of America needs to understand it’s not a race thing, it’s about pride in southern history. (Dillon Diatlo)

Eminem has released a Donald Trump dis-track. Now undecided wife beaters finally know who they’ll vote for. (Dillon Diatlo)

Hailey’s Comet passed by Earth last Friday night. No worries if you missed it though, you can find plenty of stars trailing trash behind them on Youtube. (Dillon Diatlo)

[dillondiatlo]

Jokes 10/11-10/14

Hikers bumped into Mel Gibson last Sunday while climbing the Sugar Loaf. “I decided hiking,” said Mel, “because I knew a certain people don’t like to shvitz.”

After just an hour of searching, an Arkansa duo Dan Fredrick and his daughter Lauren found a 2.03 carat diamond in an Arkansas State Park. (Beverly Hillbilly theme song) “Well, let me tell you a story about a man named Fred…”

According to Miss Teen USA contestants, Trump had a habit of walking into dressing rooms while the contestants were changing. When asked for comment Trump said, “Don’t worry, I gave them all 10s.”

Brian Cox, the star of TV’s Wonders of the Universe, claims we haven’t met any alien life because they’re all dead. Asked one Trump supporter, “Then what we buildin’ a wall for?”

Wells Fargo CEO John G. Stumpf is stepping down after being exposed for a sham-account sales scandal. Not to worry though, the $20 million pension, $4.3 million deferred compensation, and $109 million company stock should hold him over until he finds a new job.

[dillondiatlo]

Break Up With Israel (Monologue by Dillon Diatlo)

Just three weeks after signing a $38 billion military aid agreement with the US, part of which was pledging not to build any new settlements, Israel has gone behind the Obama administration's back and approved new West Bank settlements...

Oh, boy. (Deep breath) Alright, I wasn’t going to say anything, but Obama, break it off. Look, I like Israel as much as the next Jew, but everyone can see they don’t appreciate you. They don’t appreciate your help. So let them figure it out on their own. We don’t need them bringing us down. Making the US look like idiots in front of the rest of the world. Don’t we do that enough to ourselves? And besides, Biden’ll get your back. He’s your boy. Plus, they pulled this same shit in 2010 while Biden was in their country! That’s like being in the house while your best friend’s girlfriend cheats on him. So I’m sure he’d support you. And Joe, you know what to do. Take Barry’s phone, delete Israel from the contacts, and unfriend the entire country on Facebook. And when Israel walks by Barry’s locker on Monday, give ‘em a dirty look that says “fuck off, he don’t need you anymore.”

It’s going to be hard. And I get it. I really do. I mean, you guys have a lot of memories together. Splitting falafels, drinking Goldstar Beer, spending Shabbat on a jetty in Tel Aviv with a bunch of gay Israelis as the salty Mediterranean air tickles your chin and the sun slowly sinks into the deep blue sea. There’s a lot of memories there. But you’ll create new ones. New ones with new countries. This is probably the last thing you want to hear right now, but... maybe try to picture yourself on a beach in Havana.

Break it off, Obama. Let them do their own thing. And then down the line, maybe when you and Israel have grown as individuals, you’ll accidentally bump into each other at that bar you two love, or at a UN general assembly meeting. Then you’ll get to talking. You’ll joke about America saving Jews in WWII or the $38 billion military aid agreement foiled by Israel’s child-like stubbornness and, granted Israel is still around after chronically betraying its most valuable ally, you both go on your separate ways. I know, Barry. Like gefilte fish in jelly, you’re swimming in the thick of it. It’s hard to see right now, but down the road this is going to feel good. I promise. You can do it, Barack. There’s only one President that caught Bin Laden. You’ll get through this.

[dillondiatlo]

Jokes 10/3 - 10/7

Millions of Floridians are evacuating their homes in hopes of finding refuge from the lethal Hurricane Matthew. Unfortunately, most of the surrounding red states refuse to let in refugees. (Dillon Diatlo)

Having killed nearly 300 people, meteorologists are calling Hurricane Matthew the worst hurricane to ever hit US soil. Said one concerned Chicagoan, “Hopefully, it doesn’t effect the Cubs playoff game.” (Dillon Diatlo)

Before the VP debate on Tuesday, the RNC accidentally declared Mike Pence the winner with a post to their website. When asked for comment about the premature post Donald Trump replied, “Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. That never happened.” (Dillon Diatlo)

Yahoo secretly scanned customer’s e-mails for US Intelligence-Sources. Not surprising, amongst those still using yahoo there wasn’t much intelligence to find. (Dillon Diatlo)

According to Teacher Unions, Donald Trump’s anti-immigration stance is emboldening school yard bullying. To quell the situation, Trump has suggested separating the bullies by building a wall. (Dillon Diatlo)

According to Teacher Unions, Donald Trump’s anti-immigration stance is emboldening school yard bullying. When asked for comment Trump replied, “If you bring this up again, I’m going to hurt you.” (Dillon Diatlo)

According to Teacher Unions, Donald Trump’s anti-immigration stance is emboldening school yard bullying. Why they’re allowing Chris Christie into the school yard is still unclear. (Dillon Diatlo)

Hurricane Matthew, which has destroyed much of the Caribbean, will be changing its course into the Atlantic Ocean. Unfortunately, Hurricane Trump, which has destroyed much of the US is set to keep its course until early November. (Dillon Diatlo)

Creepy clowns are being reported throughout the US, some of which are attempting to lure children into the woods with large sums of money. Because there is nothing little children love more than being paid well. (Dillon Diatlo)

[dillondiatlo]

Jokes 9/26 - 9/30

Astronomers say a rare Black Moon is set to rise in the Western Hemisphere this Friday. Said planet Earth, “I told you I’m not racist. I have black moons.” (Dillon Diatlo)

A new study in Crohn’s Disease has revealed a correlation between those diagnosed and a specific fungus found in their digestive tracts. Scientists suspect the origin of this fungus can be traced back to Katz Kosher Deli. (Dillon Diatlo)

A new study into Crohn’s Disease has revealed a correlation between those diagnosed and a specific fungus found in their digestive tracts. Said one Crohn’s patient, “Oh, shit!” (Dillon Diatlo)

Knott’s Berry Farm and California’s Great America shut down a Halloween attraction after receiving backlash from mental health advocates. Apparently, more people than originally thought suffer from having giant chainsaws as hands. (Dillon Diatlo)

After hitting a record high of 400 carbon dioxide ppm’s, scientists agree the Earth is now the hottest in recorded history. In fact, the Earth is so hot humans are drastically trying to get to Mars, a planet that is regularly -80 degrees. (Dillon Diatlo)

After hitting a record high of 400 carbon dioxide ppm’s, scientists agree the Earth is now the hottest in recorded history. “But don’t worry,” said one oil refinery owner, “records were made to be broken.” (Dillon Diatlo)

After discovering our corner of the galaxy is actually much larger than previously thought, many astronomers are saying they’ve gained more respect for the Milky Way. Other things these astronomers respect include giant meteorites, big ass stars, and enormous fuckin’ black holes bro. (Dillon Diatlo)

Scientists are gaining new respect for the Milky Way Galaxy after discovering the small hand in which we exist is actually more than 20,000 light years long. “You see, size can be deceiving,” said Trump. (Dillon Diatlo)

[dillondiatlo]

Joke(3) 8/31/16

According to local news outlets, a 17-year-old Mexican boy has died from a hickey made by his girlfriend. According to Trump on Twitter, this is why you should vote for him.

[dillondiatlo]

Joke(2) 8/31/16

300 million light-years away in the Coma Constellation, scientists have discovered the Milky Way Galaxy’s “dark twin”: Drangonfly44. If only astronomers would have entered a 90’s AOL chat room first, they would have found Dragonfly44 a lot sooner.

[dillondiatlo]

Joke 8/31/16

300 million light-years away in the Coma Constellation, scientists have discovered what they’re calling the Milky Way Galaxy’s “dark twin”. Unfortunately, scientists say we’ll never make it to our Galaxy's dark twin, not because it's too far, but because the police have already shot it.

[dillondiatlo]

Joke 8/29/16

After a similar decision years ago left tobacco farmers in turmoil, Coal Country Virginia residents are skeptical of the government’s plan to rebuild their economy by training miners in technology. First tobacco and then coal. I feel really bad for these residents. It’s as if the government is trying to save their lives from cancer.