Unfortunate Demise. @discardedheartlocket - Tumblr Blog

From Natalie Wee’s “Lonely”, in Our Bodies & Other Fine Machines

Sometimes I have to actively stop myself from messaging her back. It hurts. I have to stop myself from messaging them ALL back. But I am a wonderful person who loves their partner and I would never do that.

But oh god I think it. I dream it both awake and asleep. I am haunted and tortured to think of it. Oh god.

I just want to say, “please find me” and I want to act as oblivious as possible so that they do that to me again!

They all trapped me here. They trapped me here. It never ends. And I am an insane person, clearly. Please.. please.. She was the only one that understood. She knows every secret. It hurts. I feel awful. I know everything was bad, but I miss being her little one. I know she hurt people, but I was still her special one. I know she lied to me, but she still came, right?

Why did she brush her hands off? Why did she wipe her hands clean? Why did you do that? I miss you. I know she hurt so many but I miss her. Please.. I can not stop thinking about you. Please. Oh god. Are you out there?

Do you miss me…? I can’t escape. I can’t leave this place. Miss me… Please, or it makes no sense for me to miss you back.

I have not written here in a long time..

But let me see.

Life has been better, these days. I made you, this little thing, a long time ago—back when I was still with… her.

You little thing.. This space just for me.

Now… I have a new partner, who loves me dearly. I do not know what lies for us in the future, but… it will be better than before.

But, my little space, I have come to sit with you for a reason tonight.

Therapy… Life has been too busy for it, so I have now only my writing… My ability to write.

I can not be poetic right now. I just feel guilt.

Despite the good that has entered my life, oh.. I still feel a craving. Like my skin is glue and every press leaves an indent that takes too long to go away.

To be honest?

I miss her churning. I miss the pain. She hated me, you know? She.. hated me. She made me feel like I was the worst person ever to live. Like.. everything was my fault. So.. no wonder she kicked me down every time. And used me. Because all I could ever be good for after that… was to please her.

Our souls.. our souls intertwined in such a sick way. I miss when we touched like that. Even if it was so… evil.

I feel drunk with imagination. I am constantly dreaming. Minutes turn to hours. All my thoughts… I whisper her name, like a secret password. I lose everything.

And she has probably forgotten about me. Haha.

utanlands

standing reindeer carcass

#gore #blood

How to... live life as if you do not want to die? As if you do not want everyone else to die, too? Our partner.. so sweet and suffered. I can't have them worried about us like this.

But.. haha. Do I want to die.

Life has been so incredibly difficult. Still, I am alive.

Unfortunately, as I live, I've wondered if I should start writing a will. "Just in case"

I do not have much to my name, but I have little things. It's like a plague. I can feel it consuming me. The black, thick ooze. I can not do anything tomorrow.. I have some obligations. I will attend them. I'm just trying not to die!