I want to address some of the accusations laid against my ex (@scarred-and-purrfect) on tumblr, and hopefully Iâll be able to clear things up for everyone involved.
I lied in those texts. I was scared of who might be behind them and what they would do with the information I gave them.Â
Yes, she did hurt me. Some of the things she did to me were unforgivable, and that is an objective fact. I donât have any proof of the following claims. Itâs my word against hers. But I ask that you keep an open mind, and try to understand that the only reason Iâm making this statement publicly is because my side of the story currently has no credibility.Â
You say you did everything you could to make me feel safe and comfortable, yet somehow it seemed more like you did things to reassure yourself, going through the motions so I wouldnât have an excuse for saying I felt uncomfortable.
How do you think I felt after the first couple times I stepped into your room, a reflection of the messy state of your mind, when I told you I was grateful that you felt comfortable enough to show it to me, and you locked the door behind me? Do you know what I felt when you moved the bedpost to block the door frame so that even if someone on the other side tried their hardest, they wouldnât be able to get through? Could you see it on my face that an icy fist was closed around my heart, slowly squeezing the warmth from my body as you stared at me expectantly, waiting for me to undress myself after you told your parents weâd watch a movie on your laptop instead?
Maybe not. Maybe you really didnât know I was uncomfortable then, or how much I still think about it now that weâre not together. I canât blame you for a miscommunication, it takes two to reach an understanding. But the thing is, there were other times when I flat out told you I was uncomfortable, scared, or tired and you didnât seem to think that was a reasonable answer. At my house, we donât lock doors, we hardly even close them. We both knew if we so much as made a sound, my parents would come upstairs to investigate, and I would never see you again if they found our clothes on the chair next to my bed. The thought of that was enough to give me panic attacks.
But instead of being understanding and patient with me, you turned on your persuasive charm and took every opportunity to slip past my defenses in order to convince me to do those things with you anyway, even at the risk of being caught. No, begging someone for intimacy until they feel guilty enough to give it to you isnât consent. And there were some times that I felt comfortable enough around you, but every single moment we had alone together was spoiled by your selfish words and previous actions.
What I find the most painful part of all this is when you were asked point blank if you thought you had ever mistreated me, you didnât remember the night I confessed to you that I was only doing this to make you happy, and felt like you would leave me if I didnât meet your expectations. You were quiet for a long time, then told me you were sorry and that you were upset I had pressured myself into doing things I wasnât comfortable with.
That was the first and last time we talked about it. From then on, you behaved like nothing had ever happened, like you never promised me you would stop at the slightest hint that I was uncomfortable.
Do you remember the first time we did something together? I gripped your arm until my knuckles turned white and my bones ached, but you just smiled at me and continued. You asked me once if I was okay and I said yes before I even had time to react, out of fear that youâd walk out of my life if I ever said no. And in the end, you proved me right.
I donât understand how such an accepting person could be so supportive of all my identities, and then turn around and make my comfort zone about your insecurities. I gave you time, emotional labor, and more of the benefit of the doubt than you deserved, and you ripped my heart out of my chest, tore it into pieces, and crushed them into the dirt along with the last shred of pride left in me.
You know the time I spent with you left me scarred, and if thereâs an ounce of humanity in your heart, youâll understand why I never want to see your face again.
discoholicmusic
snowghoul
stormborns
amandla
areudirty
