Dismal Feelings

Thoughts about everything and anything

[dismal-feelings]

Had a dream about you randomly last night.

You were dying. You wanted to see me and apologize and said all the words that we were to be meant together but timing wasn’t right. You kept mentioning that you always loved me, you cared for me and wanted to speak with me but you didn’t know how to start.

You didn’t know how to reach out say it.

Is this an alternate universe that we are meant to be? Am I finally able to let go and accept the fact that we would never be how it was?

Oh god please help me understand and give me the clarity. It’s been over a decade and this still eats me up.

[dismal-feelings]

Monthly irritating dreams.

I had this dream about you last week, I try to throw away in my mind. The dream felt surreal. It was you talking to someone, the atmosphere seemed like a party or hangout.

Somehow along the lines you mentioned that you missed me, our friendship. And someone replied to you to tell me because I was there but you answered no, because my life is fine now and you didnt want me to have this issue like we did years ago. You didnt want to break anything when I finally became happy.

Idk it was weird. I didnt know how to feel, well I do know cos I woke up and said you’re an idiot. I need you as a friend, i needed you more than anything, I am surviving. I did better but my friendship is gone.

Please stop appearing in my dreams. Its not real, and now you’re not real.

[dismal-feelings]

Every month I always get this mental breakdown. No one really knows as this unravels late at night.

I work M-F, I am a mom, a wife, a daughter. I’m the person who takes care of everyone. But no one knows that I don’t know how to take care of myself.

I’m broken. I don’t know what’s going on with me. Ever since my I figured my dad was sick and I was spot on with the diagnosis, I’ve been having high anxiety and paranoia. It doesn’t help that I am familiar with healthcare/mental health side + adding that the whole world is dealing with a pandemic.

I miss being happy, i miss not worrying about anything and what is wrong with me. It’s a mess.

I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed at work and days where I am not motivated. I get frustrated easily, I am so exhausted.

When one thing breaks me everything attacks me. I am not who I was before the pandemic happened. I don’t really recognize who I was before.

It doesn’t help that we are trying to get pregnant and it’s too early to even tell but I’m not pregnant. And here I am just thought at the back of my head, “how come it’s not easy for me?” “Why do I always have to go through 2nd best?”

So much has happened in my life that I never really healed from and I don’t even think therapy can help, but what would?

[dismal-feelings]

Its my birthday next week, and the demons just won’t stop.

[dismal-feelings]

When the demons attack they attack hard.

Not a way I wanted to start my birthday month.

[dismal-feelings]

I’m so tired of being tired.

[dismal-feelings]

11/07/2021

Saw you unexpectedly. Didn’t think I would run into you with your family. I was starting to get anxious when I found out you were there.

Literally, everytime I see you I want to punch your face. Thats the only thought that comes into my mind. Seeing you or any type of communication triggers me. It’s the type of trigger that takes me awhile to recover.

The dynamic between us changed for so many years now. It’s to the point we don’t know what is going on in our lives anymore. I remember we would know what is going on in the present, what we wanted for the future and what happened in the past. I believe the only way we would know is through social media. I know you see and read my posts, you dont act on it but when there is a chance you try.

So that day, it was a group and basically it felt like it was just us talking to each other. You couldn’t speak to me - just me with no group setting, you had to talk in-directly. Basically you kept answering me. You would agree with me. You would laugh with me, you would act on actions that felt familiar to just bring pain back to me.

Please don’t let your child near mine. I forbid anything to happen. As much as possible- I don’t want anything to do you or your family, and that’s clear. Remember I tried saving a friendship that was gone? You gave up quickly and you messed me up.

And please stop fucking hugging me like how we were before? Open your damn oblivious eyes and see I do quick hugs. And you should know quick hugs means I dont give a shit. How dare you hug me with both hands for more than 5 seconds and saying in a low tone, “it was great seeinf you. Take good care of yourself”. Dont fucking act like we are the best of friends and everything is ok because why we both moved on?

I moved on for years now but you ruined my life prior to this and it took me a long while to be who I am today so a big fuck you.

[dismal-feelings]

When do you finally find the light at the end of the tunnel?

[dismal-feelings]

Please give me the strength to not feel like this.

I’m happy about the situation but deep inside I am heartbroken.

Must feel nice not to have to worry about how to pay a roof over your head.

I must have been really stupid because I decided not pursue anything for college maybe because this is the situation we are meant to be in.

[dismal-feelings]

If only you all knew what really goes through my mind on the daily.

I am really trying to be better and taking care of myself. One day I am doing good and the next I am taking all these steps back because I am getting triggered.

[dismal-feelings]

Worst thing was seeing you today with your family. My heart literally sank in pain. What are the odds of seeing you today?

Can’t ya give me a break? I’m barely trying to get back to myself and seeing you frustrated me, gave me pain. Making that hug as short as I could but I can feel the pain that I have been enduring all these years.

Did you see the pain in my eyes, behind the mask? I wanted to lash out. It felt so uncomfortable being there seeing you with my daughter. I was pulling my daughter to stay with me the whole time.

I never wanted to see you at all.

[dismal-feelings]

Literally I finished watching, Never Have I Ever S2. It’s a nice Netflix series.

But- maybe the mid - most towards the end I got triggered. I got that familar unpleasant heart sinking feeling and I hate it. I hate it and I start crying. How pathetic am I to cry over this series thats mostly comedic and about high school life. I’m in my freaking 30’s acting like this..

To bring this all in, I basically did an open book reveal that I have a diagnosis of depression with anxiety and an adjustment disorder.

Unfortunately, I stopped therapy last Dec because I was doing ok and using coping strategies and secondly, I couldn’t afford it. And if I were to be honest I haven’t been feeling to great. My mental health took a huge toll on me the past few weeks over different situations and now I have been triggered from this show which brought back the pain I endured and still enduring for the way you fucking treated me all those years!

You messed me up and I sound like a broken record but you’re a horrible person. How can you live each day not think all the pain and shit you gave me? All the words you thrown at me.

“I love you”

“I care about you”

“You will always be my best friend”

“When I come back I promise my feelings will be 100% for you”

YOU MADE ME WAIT like a hopeless puppy. My life revolved around you. You robbed my time, my life, I poured everything to you and you fucking knew that. You fucking knew that.

When I finally reflected and was tired of feeling hopeless you made it seem like IT WAS ALL MY FAULT. WHY DID YOU DO THAT? YOU HAD NO FUCKING RIGHT. YOU HURT ME, YOU ALWAYS HURT ME AND YOU KNEW THAT.

WHY WOULD DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?

I try to avoid you as much as I can but when I can’t you give me that hug. The hug of feeling that everything is okay but within a second the familar unpleasant heart sinking feeling. DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT FEELS? it feels like my heart sinks in many layers trying to find a safe place to feel whole again. It’s like falling off a cliff over and over again and not finding somewhere to land. You spit out a compliment or either to see how I am doing. STOP, just stop. No need to talk just say hi and don’t even touch me. You’ve already ruined me as a person whole, what else are you going to take from me?

I only wished that I never went out of my way to know you from the very first time in middle school. To initiate the conversations throughout high school when we would lost touch. To always change for you everytime we lost touch to see if it was going to be finally be me. Literally, I thought you were the love of my life. MAYBE YOU KNEW or didn’t but I really loved you and really cared for you as a friend so much. I did not want to lose you because you knew so much, you knew how to support me. But I lost you as the lover I thought you were going to be and the best friendship I thought would be defeated over arguement. And through all these years, do you ever wonder why?

Do I ever cross your mind? Does the past bring you any pain like it always does to me? I bet your wife talks a lot about me. About what she sees about me and my family. Does she know about us? She has to know.

I talk about this problem of mine about you and I have received different suggestions of writing a letter to you, talking to you in person which are all impossible. You have my number since the beg of this year. Does it ever cross your mind to try to patch things up?

I don’t have feelings for you for a long time now. The fact that this haunts and me causes me so much pain is because I am human. And you were someone who I once cared for you. The way you dealt with our situation was a slap in my face and humilted me.

You were worst than a ex-relationship. Your actions when we were both together, the words that slipped out of your mouth on the phone and in person, the promises, the fucking promises.

You know when quarantine happened I started feeling like my sanity was away. I needed human interaction, I was yearning to meet new people. The only way I met new people were people I didn’t even know majority what they looked like because we all bonded over a game. The fact that quarantine happened I was yearning for a friend. A male friend who I had before. I have my female bestfriends, my husband, a queer friend. But having you as my straight best friend was different.

When my dad started getting sick, I needed to talk to someone to just let it all out and I remembered you haven’t been there for many years now. No one knows the thoughts running in my head, the pain of gling through this. All I did was cry and hoping you would hear.

It’s true, we didn’t date but we had history. Putting all that aside. We also had history as friends. You were better as a friend than a lover. I guess I am saying after all this it’s either I want you back as my bestfriend or I want nothing at all for once. I would want you erased anything about you, anything connected to you and everything. Because really you ruined me and I am not the same person I was 10 years ago.

When will this end? When will I get better?

[dismal-feelings]

It’s irritating that for some reason I am always the one getting in trouble!

What does it take for me to make you happy? I’m always the one taking care of everything and I am out for just 2 hours? Call your fucking son! He’s the one that should be here, he should’ve been here right away! I don’t give a shit that a culture thing the youngest takes care of things, he’s fucking the oldest son! He’s not even doing anything to help!

He only calls to “check up” when it’s “convenient” for him!

I don’t get it, I don’t get it at all.

[dismal-feelings]

My dads back to his hallucinations. I don’t understand how the Lewy Body Dementia mind works. There’s weeks he is fine and out of nowhere he is back to his hallucinations.

I only wished that my dad didn’t have this disease and he was the way he was year and a half ago. Sometimes I get hesitant talking to my dad just so there is not arguement. My conversations are short.

[dismal-feelings]

You’ve been in my thoughts lately and it’s pissing me off. I was talking to a friend from HS and told her a little synopsis of what happened between us and she told me to write you a letter.

I did tell her that i’m pretty confident you still don’t get how much pain you’ve caused me all these years. It was a huge chunk of my teenage years and post HS career. You’re oblivious to all this shit, I endured all this pain and still carry it and you were part of a reason why I needed therapy. I broke. You broke me. I’m not the person I was before and I still question myself why on why you fucking broke me.

What did I ever do to you? All I did was be there for you when no one was there for you. I am basically taking all this shit to the grave and release all this frustration here.

[dismal-feelings]

I haven’t been here in so long. My dad was doing great and normalcy it felt here until a 2 weeks ago he started hallucinating again. Confused, hallucinations, getting mad at me. I get so anxious when this happens. Anxious up to being upset.

He’s borderline diabetic and 2 days ago he said he felt like his sugar was low so he asked for chocolate. I gave him a whole regular size kit kat bar. By the time my mom came home which was maybe an hour later my mom decided to check his sugar because he was saying he was so hungry that he couldnt see me. This was before him asking about chocolate. I habe been so tired. I was mentally and and physically tired. And I have the worst allergies lately that I keep taking medications and its making me so fatigued.

Anyways his sugar dropped so fast that it couldnt even give an amount. Thats my fault, if I didnt take a nap I could’ve gave him more food. It’s so hard to keep an eye on him and know that this will happen again. I dont get it:

Also, one of my friend passed away last Sunday. I wasn’t close to him but I still considered him as a friend. He did nothing but was sweet to me. He’s a nice person and he is one of my bestfriends love ofher life. She has loved him for over 14 years.

The last time I actually saw him after 10 yrs was last November. We went to the zoo. He was so happy with my bestfriend. I saw the way he looked at her like she was the only person with him. I loved them being together. I rooted for him bc it was a love story that finally took a leap of faith.

Hearing he pssed away has shocked me. Like I said I am not close to him but I feel the pain. My heart aches for his family and for my bestfriend. I cannot imagine what they are going through. He’s so young, he was bright, he’s so funny and caring.

How do you move forward when this happens? Never a minute goes by that he’s not in my thought. But I see the outpour support of everyone on his gofundme page and it’s incredible to see how much of an impct he has made to everyone he made. I see nothing but great memories and words.

I hope he feels the same. May you rest in peace now my friend, you are no longer in pain and suffering. You don’t need to worry everything will be ok. Know that everyone that knows you, loves you and you will always be in our hearts.

I am thankful for knowing you and was able to catch for that moment last year. I wished there were more days where we could’ve done a double date or whatever.

Take care friend, RIP.

J.E.S Jr

09141992-06132021

[dismal-feelings]

It’s been awhile since I have been blogging here. Bo difference with my dads health. He still has LBD, it will never go away.

He’s acting more of more of someone that needs be watched and directed or cued to do things. He’s still arguing with me, I am trying to keep my distance but he keeps asking questions and whatever comes out of my mouth he doesn’t like hearing and starts getting mad.

I am still in disbelief that this happened to him. It’s almost been a year and I feel like theres no clarity to how the human brain works or more how his brain is working, now.

My stress levels have been high, I am always depressed. My thoughts keep running around, I am feeling overwhelmed. I tend to keep myself busy and thank goodness my business is helping me with that.

I basically fired the company that provides a caregiver that comes by to help. We did not have a problem with the caregiver it was more of the scheduling department who is very unorganzied, lack of communication. I shouldn’t be stressing if someone is coming or not and should not be that person making that call to check if they’re coming or not. I shouldve been notified the day prior or morning of but nothing. So that pissed me off.

I am dealing with my daughters IEP transition too. Basically, her therapist whose assigned to us I am not happy the way things were approached and conversations were made with the district speech therapist. I voiced out. I’ve been so irritated.

We got the 2nd dose of the vaccine. For the most part I am ok, sore, fatigue, my bones hurt and kind of felt nauseous but I am starting to ignore the feeling of it. My husband looks like it hit him hard. Im tired and wanted to sleep. It’s 11:59PM and my dad “fell” and “hit” his head. He is having one of his episodes again...