#lbdtraining

[dismal-feelings]

I’m drowning, I can’t remember what normal is anymore.

Everyday you’re changing and you’re making me change. For the worst. Your memory is diminishing away. Every little action, every little thing it frustrates me not at you but how you have become because of this disease.

I hate this, why did it happen to you? Why did it have to happen to our family? What did we do to go through this?

It’s getting harder everyday. I am so angry, I am so bitter and I am more selfish.

[hugemusclemen]

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[dismal-feelings]

My dads back to his hallucinations. I don’t understand how the Lewy Body Dementia mind works. There’s weeks he is fine and out of nowhere he is back to his hallucinations.

I only wished that my dad didn’t have this disease and he was the way he was year and a half ago. Sometimes I get hesitant talking to my dad just so there is not arguement. My conversations are short.

[dismal-feelings]

I haven’t been here in so long. My dad was doing great and normalcy it felt here until a 2 weeks ago he started hallucinating again. Confused, hallucinations, getting mad at me. I get so anxious when this happens. Anxious up to being upset.

He’s borderline diabetic and 2 days ago he said he felt like his sugar was low so he asked for chocolate. I gave him a whole regular size kit kat bar. By the time my mom came home which was maybe an hour later my mom decided to check his sugar because he was saying he was so hungry that he couldnt see me. This was before him asking about chocolate. I habe been so tired. I was mentally and and physically tired. And I have the worst allergies lately that I keep taking medications and its making me so fatigued.

Anyways his sugar dropped so fast that it couldnt even give an amount. Thats my fault, if I didnt take a nap I could’ve gave him more food. It’s so hard to keep an eye on him and know that this will happen again. I dont get it:

Also, one of my friend passed away last Sunday. I wasn’t close to him but I still considered him as a friend. He did nothing but was sweet to me. He’s a nice person and he is one of my bestfriends love ofher life. She has loved him for over 14 years.

The last time I actually saw him after 10 yrs was last November. We went to the zoo. He was so happy with my bestfriend. I saw the way he looked at her like she was the only person with him. I loved them being together. I rooted for him bc it was a love story that finally took a leap of faith.

Hearing he pssed away has shocked me. Like I said I am not close to him but I feel the pain. My heart aches for his family and for my bestfriend. I cannot imagine what they are going through. He’s so young, he was bright, he’s so funny and caring.

How do you move forward when this happens? Never a minute goes by that he’s not in my thought. But I see the outpour support of everyone on his gofundme page and it’s incredible to see how much of an impct he has made to everyone he made. I see nothing but great memories and words.

I hope he feels the same. May you rest in peace now my friend, you are no longer in pain and suffering. You don’t need to worry everything will be ok. Know that everyone that knows you, loves you and you will always be in our hearts.

I am thankful for knowing you and was able to catch for that moment last year. I wished there were more days where we could’ve done a double date or whatever.

Take care friend, RIP.

J.E.S Jr

09141992-06132021

[dismal-feelings]

It’s been awhile since I have been blogging here. Bo difference with my dads health. He still has LBD, it will never go away.

He’s acting more of more of someone that needs be watched and directed or cued to do things. He’s still arguing with me, I am trying to keep my distance but he keeps asking questions and whatever comes out of my mouth he doesn’t like hearing and starts getting mad.

I am still in disbelief that this happened to him. It’s almost been a year and I feel like theres no clarity to how the human brain works or more how his brain is working, now.

My stress levels have been high, I am always depressed. My thoughts keep running around, I am feeling overwhelmed. I tend to keep myself busy and thank goodness my business is helping me with that.

I basically fired the company that provides a caregiver that comes by to help. We did not have a problem with the caregiver it was more of the scheduling department who is very unorganzied, lack of communication. I shouldn’t be stressing if someone is coming or not and should not be that person making that call to check if they’re coming or not. I shouldve been notified the day prior or morning of but nothing. So that pissed me off.

I am dealing with my daughters IEP transition too. Basically, her therapist whose assigned to us I am not happy the way things were approached and conversations were made with the district speech therapist. I voiced out. I’ve been so irritated.

We got the 2nd dose of the vaccine. For the most part I am ok, sore, fatigue, my bones hurt and kind of felt nauseous but I am starting to ignore the feeling of it. My husband looks like it hit him hard. Im tired and wanted to sleep. It’s 11:59PM and my dad “fell” and “hit” his head. He is having one of his episodes again...

[dismal-feelings]

My dads episode today:

When my mom got home from work around 5pm he told her that he went to work as an inspector.

My dad worked in electronics as a QA inspector for so long but never really kept a job when his first when into bankruptcy and that was back in 2012. He was out of for a bit on and off and decided to retire early.

Anyways that is what he told my mom. You can see from the mannerisms of my dad is different. The way he wears his clothes, still shuffling his feet. Some days he seems like nothing is wrong but most of the time he’s not all there. He stares off blankly lots of time.

He talks to my daughter the same way he did before but the next minute he starts talking about something that doesn’t make any sense.

His vision is all sorts of messed up, hes creating shadows thinking they’re real people. My daughters stuff animals, he thinks they’re real animals.

Sometimes I have to do a reality check. Most of the time it turns into arguements and him saying that I don’t believe him and we are ganging up on him as one.

Around 10PM he told my mom that he was looking for his check, paycheck because he got paid and my mom works here part time (at the house. My mom told him he might be mistakenly thinking from the past when my mom did have a second job part time, no he was adament that her part time is at the house.

I have been working with Southern Caregiver Center with differen resources. We are finally getting a caregiver to help out every Weds and every other Friday. I hope this works out and my dad understands that the caregiver is there to assist him and everyone.

[dismal-feelings]

I snapped and broke down in front of my dad. It’s one of those days. 2nd week been rough.

He had an appt today to get his COVID vaccine. 2:30 is the appointment and 2:10 we were still at home. Everytime we go out its an arguement because he doesnt understand we need to go get going.

I couldnt take it. It makes me mad and stressed so I needed to throw my daughters toy across the room and start yelling. It felt good to finally release some anger out. He doesnt get it.

When my dad wasnt sick he would get mad at us for taking long to leave or when we arrive to wherever, it hasnt been 30 mins of being there he gets mad bc he wants to leave. I needed to remind him that.

Everything today just pissed me off. We all went to Costco. I have a small SUV. Groceries, wheelchair and carseat. Not everything fit. I kept saying we needed a bigger car that this isnt helping. Had to leave my husband at Costco to drop stuff at home and come back. Luckily, it was 10 mins away- side roads.

Came home, sundowners getting worst. He is worried about his freaking car. He loves his car but he doesnt understand that he cant drive anymore. Or he thinks his car got stolen, got crashed into, someone stole it..

I dont fucking get it.

Why? Why? Why?

Why us? Why him?

Its his birthday the end of next month and he will only turn 68. 68 and he already got dementia.

[dismal-feelings]

Another arguement in the books. Nowadays it’s more of arguements than actually making memories.. we are making bittersweet memories.

My dad is not understanding basic direction, verbal cues. His appetite is not the same. He just doesn’t care. Even before these arguments he is not motivated to get stronger or stay a live. All he talks about is the months he is counting down. That he would rather starve rather eating.

Whatever I buy or make to feed him he doesn’t eat it. Hes not happy. I asked him upfront with my mom is why isn’t happy? Is he holding a grudge towards us? What did we do? We are trying our best here to help him and keep him safe but he is just arguing with my mom and I all the time. Nothing is ever right, never with him. I asked how come he treats us different than my brother and he says bc my brother understands him than us.

I get it my dad is sick and this is not him but the fact he would say my brother understanda him and he would rather live with him because his wife us more better and nicer than me, that hurts. I have lived with my dad my whole life. Ever since I got married he literally did not need to worry about paying anything. He never volunteered to help pay anything but we never asked.. he doesnt see even though my husband and i are drowning in debt we never asked him for anything. It just stings a lot to hear that he would rather be over there.

I forgive these actions but to me mentally this is not helping mental health. Its overwhelming, its stressing, my anxiety and depression is sky high. I feel sick with all these draining emotions.

He just doesnt see it that he’s pushing away people who helped him more.