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An Open Letter to the Woman Who Just Miscarried

After four years, multiple IVF cycles, three devastating miscarriages, and countless setbacks … Aela’s road to motherhood has been anything but easy. Follow her story on Babble and don’t miss the latest chapter in her journey below.

Your world is crashing down, I know. I’ve been where you are three times, having lost my twins at 17 weeks, my second pregnancy at 10 weeks, and my last pregnancy at five weeks. I know you don’t want to face the world. I didn’t, either. I also know you will never “get over” a miscarriage.

Losing a pregnancy that you wanted — and especially one that you tried for — is devastating. Your heart gets shattered into a million pieces, you doubt your self-worth, you blame yourself, and you might even begin to hate your body if you experience multiple miscarriages. It’s a long road to recovery. The emotional pain is intense. It suffocates you at times and it rocks your world. But you are a warrior; don’t ever forget that. And there are ways you can help yourself emotionally heal after a miscarriage. Even though I know it feels like you can’t ever climb out of that dark hole, you will. I promise.

And then harness the power of your pain and go do something you’ve always wanted to. That trip you’ve always dreamed of taking? Go. That haircut you never felt brave enough to get? Get it. That cooking class you’ve daydreamed about since summer? Sign up. You might not feel like doing anything at all, especially not anything new, but push yourself. Leave the comfort of sadness and do something totally new, something that doesn’t carry with it the weight of your loss. You will always carry that weight, so it’s important to do things now that offer a bit of relief.

It’s not a matter of forgetting about what happened, but of realizing you’re so much more than just what happened. You’re a new person now because of your loss — it does and it will change you. That’s just the truth, good or bad. You’ll look at the world through a totally different lens now. Take this transition time and do something you’ve always wanted. You might feel defeated by your loss, but doing something for yourself can balance those feelings by making you feel cared for. And loved. And you are so very worthy of love. Don’t forget that during this sad time. In fact, don’t ever forget that.

Allow yourself to be sad, my friend. This might sound counterproductive to getting out of the darkness, but allowing yourself to cry is a crucial step in healing. Don’t push your feelings away, and certainly don’t fall into the unhealthy trap of diminishing what happened. I was only six weeks. Jenny miscarried in the 2nd trimester, so maybe mine doesn’t really count. Be sad. Cry for your six-week Bean. You can’t get to the other side of this without first going through the murk, which is thick and heavy and the last place you want to be — but be there. Allow yourself to be there.

Be sure to take extra special care of your body after a miscarriage. For me, this has always been the biggest challenge after losing a baby. I get so mad at my body for failing me. I hate it even. And I want to litter it with crap food and booze. I want to stop using it well. I want to stop exercising, stop having sex. I want my body to match the awful things I feel about it by treating it the way I feel it’s treated me. I want to betray it like it’s betrayed me. Why should I care for you when you have hurt me so badly? But taking care of your body, rising above the feelings of “getting even” with your body (even if they’re so deep within that you don’t even fully realize them), and truly taking little steps to care for yourself will greatly help your healing process.

You’re part of this club now, I’m sorry to say. It’s a club no one wants to belong to. But know that it’s a club filled with other warriors just like you, of women who have had to say goodbye to their babies before they had the chance to say hello.

This will change you. But it doesn’t have to destroy you. — Aela Mass

(Photo: Unsplash)

More on Babble:

How I honor my “should-have-been babies”

Does my early miscarriage count, too?

I’ve tried getting pregnant 12 times, and I’m still not a mother

What they don’t tell you about rainbow babies

Psychologist creates line of empathy cards to help survivors of loss

“An Open Letter to the Woman Who Just Miscarried” originally appeared on Babble.com.

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Just Once, I’d Like Someone to Take Care of Me

I knew when I married him, what kind of man he was.

Strong, generous, kind. But also in many ways my complete opposite. I’m sure I thought that I could probably change him to some degree. Surely he would plan just one date night for us. Surely he would get over his fear of doing, well, anything out of his comfort zone.

But I couldn’t have predicted what having children would to do us, what stepping right into marriage and parenthood at the same time would make our natural tendencies more pronounced, our gifts and abilities not just cutesy personality traits, but tools for survival.

And there are days — most days in fact — that I am OK with it. That I accept that the doctor’s appointments and the teeth cleanings and the bill payments and the meal planning and the childcare arrangements all rest firmly on my shoulders. You’ve always been a planner, I tell myself. You wouldn’t feel comfortable not being in control anyways, so just relax.

But then there are other days, like today, when I admit that I am tired. Just so very tired. And I’ve realized that for once — just once — I would like to be the one who is taken care of for a change.

Sometimes I daydream about what it would be like to have him focused on me. I’m almost embarrassed to admit that but I suspect I’m not the only one who has done this. I daydream that I will wake up to a gentle kiss, with blankets tucked around my shoulders and a whispered, “You stay in bed. I got this.” To have an entire day where someone asked me what I wanted to eat or what they could do for me. A day where they thought about my every need 10 steps ahead of me, anticipating what I wanted before I could even articulate it, like I do each and every day for almost every single member of my family.

Here’s your favorite water bottle, sweetie. Here’s the lunch I packed for you, honey. Oh, watch that puddle of water it will get your feet wet. The baby’s going to impale herself with that stick, grab it would you? The kids have swim classes at 6, so I’m going to have dinner ready for you by 5:30, and I already paid the babysitter so don’t worry about it.

Every need, every emotion, every whim and want, wrapped around my shoulders that seem to tremble under the weight of the world.

And him? Who is this man I share my life with? This man that sees right through me, forgets who I am, does not know that I am more, that I want more. Does not know that I cry at night beside him on my pillow because I want him to want what I cannot ask of him — to want me. Not wife me, not mom me, just me.

To want to whisk me off of my feet, to want to wrap me in his arms, to want to plan one night, just one measly night, out or at home or in the car. I really don’t care, and the details don’t matter as much as the fact that just once, I want someone to take care of every last detail without me. No “what do you think?” or “what do you want?,” just total and complete silence in my mind that never seems to still.

I want what I cannot have and what I have never had, because our relationship does not work that way and never has worked that way. Left to his own devices, his is a life much different than mine. I am the keeper of the dates, the manager of the marriage, the planner of our days.  I don’t know how to ask for what makes my heart soar without feeling like it’s yet another task upon my shoulders, a responsibility that I didn’t know I was signing up for.

I’m sure I’m not the only woman in the world who has slid a ring upon her finger, pushed with all of her might in a delivery room, then blinked and realized that she was standing alone amongst a pile of laundry, wondering what in the world just happened and asking herself, “Is this the way it’s supposed to feel?”

Sometimes I get so frustrated with all the experts urging women to put self-care on our “to-do” list. It just shows how messed up we are that we need someone else reminding us to take care of ourselves. It also implies that women don’t know what’s best for ourselves while highlighting how conditioned we are to put everyone else first.

Obviously, it’s a paradox. Quite simply, the definition of motherhood is giving to another, in every way, shape, and form. We literally give away our blood supply. That little placenta parasite physically hacks into our blood vessels and burrows itself into the warm nest of our uterine lining and aggressively takes and takes and takes in order to make a new life for itself.

We give so that others may live. It’s just what we do, from the very beginning.

But today, just for today, I am dreaming that someone, just once, would take care of me. — Anonymous

(Photo: iStock)

More on Babble:

In 10 years, my husband has never changed the toilet paper roll

I miss having a partner to tell me I’m doing the best I can

What happened when I stopped asking my husband for “help”

There’s no friendship like your oldest one from childhood

True love is your husband letting you nap for 2 hours

“Just Once, I’d Like Someone to Take Care of Me” originally appeared on Babble.com.

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I’m Glad I’ve Raised Sarcastic Kids

If you asked my husband to choose a word that best describes my personality, he would say that I’m sarcastic. But I would say he’s the same too, as it’s one of the reasons why I fell hard for him. He has this unique ability to be upset, happy, and not amused all in one sentence, and it comes out pretty poetic too. We have the kind of love that would fill a Pinterest board of sarcastic quotes, I tell ya.

But we’re not the only ones who like to tell a joke that leaves people wondering where the next exit is. My father has the kind of talent where he can tell a sarcastic joke undetected with a straight face, and my 75-year-old aunt is the queen of sarcasm when it comes to saying off-the-wall things.

When it comes to the rest of the family, telling a joke is like walking through a land-mine. They just don’t get ’em.

Except for my kids, that is.

Recently, I’ve noticed that my children have inherited a sarcasm detector that would make mad scientist Professor Frink from The Simpsons quite impressed. They notice whenever I make a snarky comment, and sometimes will even make their own sarcastic jokes that’d have Ricky Gervais rolling in laughter. Sometimes they target us in their jokes, while other times they say them to each other.

And as horrible as it may sound, raising sarcastic kids might not be such a bad thing, either.

According to The Smithsonian Magazine, children understand sarcasm by the age of 5, and those who show the inability to understand it may be showing early warning signs of a brain disease. Apparently, sarcasm seems to exercise the brain more than sincere statements do, as it works to make our brains sharper. Studies also show that sarcastic people are better at recognizing emotions and understanding social cues.

So does this mean sarcastic kids are actually smarter than their peers? Actually, it does.

Dr. Shamay-Tsoory, a psychologist at the Rambam Medical Centre in Haifa and the University of Haifa, said, “Sarcasm is related to our ability to understand other people’s mental state. It’s not just a linguistic form, it’s also related to social cognition.”

While this is great news for me, I have to admit that sarcasm has also gotten me into major trouble in the past. Some of my jokes have been mistranslated into gentle insults that have hurt a lot of people’s feelings, especially those who simply don’t get it. I’ve written things that have gone over a few people’s heads and have had to explain myself one too many times. I’ve lost friends, angered family members, and told jokes that no one laughed at, leaving me the color of a ripe tomato. There’s no fun in telling a joke that people simply don’t get, or worse, that make them cry.

According to author Paul Coughlin, who wrote “Parental Sarcasm is No Joke,” raising sarcastic children can have its pitfalls, too. Whereas there’s no harm in telling a witty joke, sarcasm can sometimes belittle and bully. There’s also the fear that you can end up raising children who turn into self-righteous or arrogant people that turn genuine or direct statements into ironic or mocking ones.

Coughlin explains:

“Parental sarcasm is often a hiding place for undisclosed anger, annoyance, even jealousy. It provides parents the dishonest opportunity to wound without looking like they’re wounding; they can later fall back on the age-old cop-out, ‘I didn’t mean it. Can’t you take a joke?’ Sarcasm favors parents, who are much more proficient at using it than children. Because of this unequal power, parental sarcasm can be a form of bullying.”

I won’t lie that being brought up by a sarcastic father forced me to be mentally tough and not take any of his statements at face value. But with the thousands of jokes he told (that were sometimes at other people’s expense), the comments that he made that were genuine and sincere do stand out in the core memories of my childhood. Weird, isn’t it? He never apologized for the (sometimes hurtful) things he said, but they did help me decipher sarcasm almost immediately as an adult. It also helped thicken my skin, which helped shield me from the highly emotional world that could have easily ruined me.

Going back to my own kids, I don’t mind them being sarcastic (because that would make me a hypocrite), but I want them to understand it can be a destructive trait to have if you don’t use it the right way. In other words: be sarcastic, but sensitive, too.  — Joanna Mazewski

(Photo: Stocksy)

More on Babble:

I’m having a hard time forgiving my daughter

I don’t care if you’re 4, I’m not letting you win

North Carolina school tells teachers to stop saying “please”

7 ways to raise emotionally intelligent kids

I’ve never punished my kid, and now I’m paying for it

“I’m Glad I’ve Raised Sarcastic Kids” originally appeared on Babble.com.

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Woman Has Hilarious Reaction When She Learns She’s Going to Be an Aunt

Learning you’re about to become an aunt or uncle for the first time is pretty exciting stuff, no matter who you are. It’s also YouTube Gold, as the Internet has proven time and time again. Though common reactions range from silent shock to shouts of joy to puddles of tears, if you’re Lindsay Macdonald of Scotland, then they include all of the above. The soon-to-be auntie is steadily going viral for one seriously sweet clip, in which she learns her younger brother Stuart is having a baby — and she more or less freaks out.

Since hitting YouTube on Monday, the video has gained over 12,000 views, and it doesn’t seem to be stopping any time soon. It kicks off by showing Lindsay sitting on the floor while happily reading a Christmas card aloud before we get to the punchline.

“I came home from working on the Christmas market after working a 10-hour shift and I was handed a lovely Christmas card from my brother and his fiancé,” Lindsay later told ABC News.

Though her brother probably thought the envelope alone would give things away — it was addressed to “Aunty Lindsay and Uncle David” — it still took a bit for it all to gel. (After all, “Aunty Lindsay” is what she called herself when referring to Stuart’s dog, Willie, so that was nothing new.)

It’s not until Lindsay flips the card open and reads the very last signature that it all hits her: The card is signed, “Lots of love, Stuart, Katy, Willie, and… ‘Baby Mac.'”

Bingo.

“It was then it ‘clicked’ and I was ABSOLUTELY GOBSMACKED and could not speak (as you could probably tell by my reaction),” Lindsay later shared.

There are stares of disbelief, wails of happiness … and then tears — lots and lots of tears.

But while the auntie’s touching outburst is quickly entertaining the whole of the Internet, it’s pretty much exactly how her brother expected her to react to the news.

“The video shows Lindsay perfectly,” Stuart told ABC News. “She always wears her heart on her sleeve, so for me a reaction like this was not a surprise at all. I think everyone that knows her would have expected tears and lots of noise from her.”

Well Lindsay, the Internet thanks you. And so do we. Now if only we could be a fly on the wall when that kid’s gender is revealed … — Kaitlin Stanford

More on Babble:

This mother heard her son’s heart beating in another child’s chest

There’s nothing wrong with embracing aunthood instead of motherhood

To all the awesome aunts and uncles out there, a thank you from all the tired parents

Little girl nails perfect rendition of “Part of Your World”

Quiz: How well do you know Disney love quotes?

“Woman Has Hilarious Reaction When She Learns She’s Going to Be an Aunt” originally appeared on Babble.com.

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Story Behind Dad's Hilarious Dubsmash Videos With Toddler Son

We get it; when Mom’s at work, things can get kinda boring. Unless you’re being watched by Dad — and your dad just so happens to be an absolute Dubsmash extraordinaire. In that case, things can get pretty entertaining.

Enter Eric Bruce, a Minneapolis dad who’s getting all sorts of Internet-famous this week thanks to his epic Dubsmash skills, which will definitely put yours to shame. According to Today Parents, the 30-year-old dad regularly watches his nearly 14-month-old son Jack while his wife, Priscilla, 31, works nights as a part-time hair and makeup artist. But for the last year, Bruce has been spicing things up by making a Dubsmash video each night with little Jack. Sometimes they’re belting out some old school Whitney Houston; other times they’re reenacting that tear-jerking scene from Hook. (You know the one.) But no matter what they’re up to, these two are killing it every time.

At first, the videos were mostly made for Mom. As Eric told Today Parents, Jack had somewhat of a rough start shortly after his birth on Dec. 6, 2014. A one-week stay in the hospital for surgery at just 3 weeks old made it even harder for his mom to head back to work after his recovery.

So Eric did what any great dad would do: he decided to start capturing happy little moments of Jack each day, to let Mom know he was doing just fine.

And according to Priscilla, that’s exactly what it did. “It was reassuring that everything was OK at home,” she told Today Parents.

After Eric created a year’s-worth of videos with his son, he compiled some of the best ones together into one adorable video, which is simultaneously hilarious and touching, since it also tracks a year-in-the-life of little Jack. As a result, the pair somewhat accidentally created a virtual flip-book through the first year of Jack’s life. One that we’re sure the Bruces are going to love looking back on as their son gets older.

“It was a little glimpse into the past year of raising a baby and having good times together and bonding as father and son,” Eric told the outlet. “And making sure his mom was happy and in the loop after going back to work. … It’s the equivalent of updating her with a picture, but trying to do something a little more special.”

As for the inspiration behind each clip? Eric admits he had one basic formula that worked every time: “The common thread would be things I thought would make Jack smile and would be funny to his mom,” Eric shared. “Jack plays a great straight man in the comedy duo. He’ll look at me and wonder what’s going on.”

We don’t know about you, but we can’t get enough of this hilarious father-son duo. (Despite the fact that they’ve led us to seriously re-examine our own Dubsmashing skills.) — Kaitlin Stanford

More on Babble:

Little girl nails perfect rendition of “Part of Your World”

Funny kids attempt to finish 15 famous movie quotes

The stay-at-home dad in search of bromance

20 things only a parent could get excited about

5 reasons your kids don’t need you to be “the cool dad”

“Dad Creates Epic (and Hilarious) Dubsmash Videos While Mom’s at Work” originally appeared on Babble.com.

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5-Year-Old Boy Battling Leukemia Proposes to His Favorite Nurse

“Iron” Gideon Robinson is not your average 5-year-old.

In November 2015, Gideon was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. Since then, he has been treated at Rady Children’s Hospital in San Diego, CA. While he has had many difficult days, there’s one bright spot to his situation: Tall Sarah.

Tall Sarah is what he calls his favorite nurse (whose name is really Sarah Richards). Sarah and Gideon have bonded throughout his treatment, especially because Sarah often brings him Legos to play with.

Clearly, it’s true love.

So recently, while family and hospital employees looked on with tears in their eyes, little Gideon got down on one knee to propose to Sarah. The ring, made from pipe cleaner and a heart-shaped plastic bead, was presented in a purple cardboard box he cut out himself.

The video, which you can watch above, has quickly gone viral with over 1,400 “likes” and 70,000 views on Facebook as of Tuesday.

Follow Gideon’s journey on his Facebook page,  “The Adventures of Iron Gideon.” — Amy Stanford

More on Babble:

Dad of 4 girls has priceless reaction when he finds out he’s having a baby

Little girl nails perfect rendition of “Part of Your World”

This raw post-birth selfie shows the true beauty of motherhood

Mom goes viral for bravely writing what we’re all thinking

Funny dad lists early-riser son for sale as “toddler alarm clock”

“5-Year-Old Boy Battling Leukemia Proposes to His Favorite Nurse” originally appeared on Babble.com.

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I Don’t Care If You’re 4, I’m Not Letting You Win

Over Christmas, my good friend bought my son KerPlunk — and she was as excited as he was to play it. My friend is competitive, but I didn’t realize just how much until she took his arm at one point and said, “Finn, if you touch a stick, then you have to take it out. No cheating to test how it feels! We all know that is a cheater’s way of feeling out how many marbles might drop!”

She beat him at the match, and then looked at me waiting for my disapproving frown to appear.

It didn’t.

My son good-naturedly took the loss and asked for a re-match, more determined than ever to win. Because in our house, we don’t just let the kids win at games to keep them happy. We don’t let the fact that they’re kids affect who wins or not — we play the game by the rules and show them the skill of doing so. If they lose, we teach them to do so with good grace. Which, with a 4-year-old, can be challenging.

While some folks may think this is cruel, we think we are being kind. Losing graciously is an important skill to learn; it shows strength of character to accept defeat and to get up and have another go. What will they learn if they win every time?

A few years ago, we visited friends and they had a ping pong table in their garden. The whole time we were there, my son tried to beat me. He came close, narrowly losing by a single point on several occasions. One afternoon, he threw down his paddle and sobbed at his loss. Immediately I stepped away and said I wouldn’t play again until he calmed down and behaved better. Later, he approached me and apologized.

A couple of months later when we were playing again, he totally wiped the floor with me — and he had earned it. He had practiced and thought about his shots, and he was thrilled to have defeated me in the end. If I had let him win from the beginning, would the success have tasted so sweet? I doubt it. Life isn’t easy — you have to work hard, apply yourself, and try over and over again often to get where you want to be. Losing at a game may seem small fry, but it helps kids understand that life doesn’t always go their way.

Plus, teaching them to lose graciously at home will make it easier when they’re older and have to stand up in front of the whole school, having come second or third or last in the science fair or a race. Losing also creates motivation to win. After all, isn’t there an excitement and joy in competition that isn’t there when we can easily win against our opponent? If my child loses at a board game, it also allows him the chance to ask, “How could I have played it better? What can I learn from this?” Like any athlete, they can analyze where they went wrong and perhaps build a better strategy.

My husband, a competitive Australian, is all about winning, but to me, learning to be a member of a team is more important. I don’t remember all of the soccer games my son has won, but I do remember vividly the day they lost and his buddy sobbed as he left the muddy field. My son waited for his friend and consoled him, putting his arm around him and promising they would win next time. That moment, when his sweet empathetic nature shone through, gives me more pride than any time he has held aloft a trophy.

According to psychologists, it is up to us to show our kids how to lose — by doing so with grace when we ourselves come last in Life or Operation. It isn’t something that can be learnt from instruction, but rather from emulation. So instead of blaming others on your kid’s soccer team when they lose, we should commend the team’s commitment and recognize the great moments of the game.

The key is trying to make our kids see that sports and board games are all meant to be fun, and if losing them becomes such a big deal, then what’s the point? — Suzanne Jannese

(Photo: Corbis Images)

More on Babble:

I'm having a hard time forgiving my daughter

I'm glad I've raised sarcastic kids

7 ways to raise emotionally intelligent kids

I want you to be honest with me about my child

What to know before taking your child to a behavioral therapist

“I Don’t Care If You’re 4, I’m Not Letting You Win” originally appeared on Babble.com.

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Does a Low IQ Mean You Can’t Be a Good Parent?

I remember standing over my hours-new baby, about to change his diaper for the first time. The fanfare had ended — my boisterous cheering section cleared out; my mom, gone. The birthing room, accustomed to the bustle of nurses and equipment and pacing women in labor, settled into a visceral stillness.

It was me and my baby, alone, when it suddenly hit: I had no flipping clue what I was doing. Who had left me alone with him? Who thought I could handle this? I had read the pregnancy guides and tracked his week-by-week growth, but nothing prepared me for the nitty-gritty details of newborn care. Latch positions. Diaper counts. Skin rashes and sleep schedules and alarming shades of poop.

I remember a heavy fear swelled inside me, filling the space my baby left vacant.

And if someone else had been in the room, witnessing and evaluating the ordeal with a printed-out checklist, I probably would have flunked the Motherhood Preparedness test. She would have seen the way I awkwardly held my baby’s ankles in the air, struggling to stop the thick flow of tar-like poop staining his tender skin. She would have seen my frantic insecurity, my amateur diapering and swaddling attempts, my soft cries.

Maybe she would have deemed me too young, too immature, to be a mother. I was only 22 at the time, with the face of a high schooler.

But what if I had something else stacked against me — like maybe I was still in school, living with my parents. Maybe I came from the wrong neighborhood. Would that affect how an evaluator perceived my capabilities? What if I had gotten pregnant by a dead-beat guy, and was a single, young mom? Would that raise any red flags?

And what if I had a handicap of some sort, making the new-mom learning curve drastically steep? Could someone take away my baby for that? Turns out, if my IQ was lower, or if I was classified with any kind of disability, there very well may have been an evaluator standing over my shoulder, judging my every move.

The recent New York Magazine cover story, “Who Knows Best,” describes the “alarming frequency” by which children are ripped away from their handicapped parents. According to the article, 37 states still have laws on the books that say a disability is enough reason to take away person’s parental rights. And citing a 2012 investigation published by the National Council on Disability, the rate of those with intellectual disabilities losing their children can be as high as 80 percent. 80 percent!

Of course, many people with intellectual disabilities are incapable of raising children — leading to neglect or abuse. Research shows intellectually disabled mothers can exhibit less sensitivity and empathy toward their kids, and can have trouble with the most basic tasks, like treating diaper rash or providing regular, nutritious meals.

But then there are other cases — like that of Sara Gordon. At age 19, Gordon — who is labeled intellectually disabled, with an IQ of around 70 — had a baby girl. She was a single mom, low income, relying heavily on her parents to help care for her baby while she finished school. And although her IQ was low enough to be classified, she is described as being “borderline.” She can read and write, but has trouble with basics such as reading the hands on a clock or paying attention in large groups.

The author of the article, Lisa Miller, describes Gordon, now 22 years old, as “charming,” “good-natured,” and “obsessed with fairness.” But in the hospital, she was overwhelmed with information and she missed a feeding. Her appearance was unkempt, her enunciation imprecise. She was young and poor. And so, the nurses deemed her baby at risk and called the authorities — who took the baby from Gordon’s arms, gave her to a foster family, and then put Gordon through a series of tests, hoops, and legal proceedings for the next two years.

So where’s the line? What’s the magic IQ number? At what point can someone come into your hospital room and remove your baby — which might as well be a limb, an organ, a vital and real part of you, interconnected on a cellular level. As the article asks: “How smart do you have to be to raise a child?”

It’s a slippery slope, leading to questions of emotional intelligence and morality calls — asking not only if a child can stay with her parents, but whether she should.

“If social workers from children’s services entered your home to assess the adequacy of your parenting, what would they see?” writes Miller. “The parent face you post on Instagram? Or a person who’s maybe sometimes too impatient or absent-minded or preoccupied with work, who’s prone to sulking, nagging, yelling, or drinking a third glass of wine?”

What if someone was evaluating your physical and mental health, employment history, home cleanliness (including the contents of your refrigerator), and your financial resources? What if someone was standing over you as you changed, fed, and soothed your newborn— not helping, just observing and judging — as they did to Gordon?

Gordon’s story does have a happy ending. After two years of limited visitation, as she watched her toddler bond with another woman called “Mama,” her case was deemed as discrimination and the two were joined at last. But at what cost?

I can tell you this much, when I was alone with my baby that first night, there’s something an evaluator couldn’t see: She wouldn’t have seen the hundreds of nights we had spent alone together before that point — alone in the same body. She couldn’t measure the connection of two beings whose hearts beat in the same vessel. I may not have known how to change his diaper, or what a feeding schedule was, but I knew him. I knew his hiccups, his movements, his presence. He knew my voice as the soundtrack that echoed around him.

That would be true, disability or not.

That’s not to disregard the danger of neglect and abuse — we should absolutely be protecting those children — but is taking a baby away from her mother, her home, in those tender first days always best? That innate connection between mother and child is real and has the power to teach us, expand us, and motivate us to find the help we need as parents. Taking away a child preemptively, based on a classification, doesn’t take into account what we learn through motherhood. It doesn’t take into account the benefit of a support system, the benefit of community outreach and help.

Some forces in the universe are too big to quantify with test scores and too nuanced to define with stereotypes. And taking a child away from a mother — based on assumptions, IQ numbers, appearances — can cause deep emotional wounds that are more damaging than a disability classification can ever measure.  — Michelle Horton

(Photo: Thinkstock)

More on Babble:

I’m having a hard time forgiving my daughter

12 parenting products that seem too good to be true

I don’t care if you’re 4, I’m not letting you win

10 thoughts every parent has their first night home with a newborn

Why your son being friends with a girl should be NBD

“Does a Low IQ Mean You Can’t Be a Good Mother?” originally appeared on Babble.com.

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7 Things Not to Ask a Single Pregnant Woman

Nine years ago, I found myself pregnant and single when my boyfriend had a change of heart. If I was asked one question about my new status, I was asked one thousand. A lot of the questions I was bombarded with were personal, rude, and gave me anxiety. The last thing I wanted, or any single pregnant woman wants, is to be interrogated. Just like women who are expecting with partners at their side, we want to enjoy the special journey while navigating hormones, pregnancy clothing stores, and midnight cravings. See, she’s just having a baby.

Here are some nosey questions to, please, avoid  …

1. “Where’s the dad?”

If the woman established she’s single — accept that she’s single. Understand that husband/partner/friend isn’t a dad. The dad is directly related to the child. There might be a dad who is somewhat involved, not involved at all, deceased, or not around because she went to a sperm bank. A lot of women are taking the plunge and having babies solo.

Bottom line: If she wants to tell you about the father, she will.

2. “Was it an accident?”

It totally could have been an accident, but if she’s having the child, she’s not keen on referring to it as that anymore. “Accident” has a negative connotation. Think car accident, broken vase accident, accidentally sending your boss the wrong email accident. Drunk dialing accident. None of these scenarios add up to a beautiful baby on the way.

Instead, try something sweet like, “Wow! What a surprise! How do you feel?”

3. “Did you weigh your options?”

This is you — asking her — if she looked into having an abortion. It’s completely inappropriate. It’s 2016, people. Women are aware of their rights and how to proceed with their reproductive issues. At this point, yes, she weighed the option and she’s having a baby!

4. “Don’t you think your baby needs a dad?”

Honestly, this is a valid assumption. Some dads (but not all of them) are awesome, and those of us fortunate enough to have ‘em lucked out. But a blood father isn’t the only man who can be a good influence on your child. There’s uncles, grandfathers, coaches, and friends. Chances are this single pregnant woman knows a few good guys.

5. “Wait, can you afford a baby?”

Burn. If she’s working, clothed, and eating, she likely has her priorities set. Give her the benefit of the doubt and consider she’s not a dummy and realizes that bringing a baby into the mix will cost money and make a dent in her savings. Additionally, how do you know she’s not cool with the baby’s dad, who will, ahem, be paying child support? Asking about someone’s finances in any context is so tacky! Just stop.

6. “What will you tell the baby about the father?”

Whether the dad is MIA, dead, or #2663611 from the sperm bank, the last thing she is thinking about is the dialogue she will have with her child — down the road — about dear old dad. Like any pregnant woman, she has her eye on the prize: championing through morning sickness, avoiding raw fish, deciding what color to paint the nursery, and every other immediate XYZ pertaining to the here and now.

7. “OMG! How will you handle a baby … alone?”

Well, for starters, she’s not about to rear a lion cub or fly to the moon. She’s going to have a baby she wanted. The love couples feel for their child is no different than a single woman’s feelings. And if you really want to know, maybe examine your own family. Are you handling it alone? Do you have a nanny or a carpool that helps out? It takes a village no matter what your family looks like. 

—Christine Coppa

(Photo: Thinkstock)

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Push presents: maybe the name is stupid but the sentiment is not

“7 Things Not to Ask a Single Pregnant Woman” originally appeared on Babble.com.

[disney-babble]

3-Year-Old's Rendition of 'Little Mermaid' Song Goes Viral

Let’s face it: getting snowed in has us feeling a little blue (and cold!). We’re in need of a pick me up, and this 3-year-old’s rendition of The Little Mermaid’s “Part of Your World” is just the thing.

Claire Ryann Crosby, like most little girls, loves Disney princesses, and she’s letting the world know it. Her dad recently told KSL.com “A few months ago, I was paying for an oil change, and when I turned around (Claire) was singing ‘Little Mermaid’ in the lobby while everyone had their phones out recording her.”

We can’t blame them! She’s too freaking cute! Since that outing, Crosby decided to take on a fun daddy-daughter project: filming sweet Claire belting out one of her favorite Ariel songs.

Get ready to enjoy this 3-year-old’s vocal stylings — and prepare to have a sudden urge to watch The Little Mermaid during your snow day.

P.S. — at the end when Claire exclaims “I did it!” we melted into a puddle of happiness. — Heather Newman

More on Babble:

Celebrity moms by zodiac sign — who are you?!

Funny kids attempt to finish 15 famous movie quotes

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13 times we wanted to switch lives with Princess Kate

I’ve started to side with the adults in John Hughes’ movies

“Little Girls Nails Perfect Rendition of ‘Part of Your World’” originally appeared on Babble.com.

[disney-babble]

Why Do I Thank My Husband for Doing His Part?

“Thank you,” I said to my husband as I quietly walked in the garage door late one Monday night, finally home from a meeting. I tucked my purse and jacket in the closet, walked over to the couch where my husband had clearly been sleeping, as evidenced by his blank look of confusion, and asked how our son had been.

“Good,” was the in-depth answer I got, but it was all I expected and all I needed to hear before heading upstairs to check on my snoozing son before heading to bed myself.

That seems to be our routine any time I’m away from my son — I come home, say thank you, and peek in on my son if he’s asleep, because even if I’ve only been gone half an hour, I’ve missed him.

It’s not often that I’m the one who’s gone and my husband’s the one who’s home, but when it is the case, I feel compelled to say thank you. Thank you for making it possible for me to go to a meeting, prenatal yoga, or a doctor’s appointment without simultaneously wrangling a preschooler. While it seems appropriate — “thank you” is a way of expressing gratitude, after all — I have to wonder if it’s the right thing to say.

I say thank you for a lot of things — thank you for working so hard for us, thank you for doing the dishes, thank you for putting up with me. These are thank you’s for things I know he doesn’t have to do, but I appreciate that he does, but somehow they feel different.

I am thankful that my husband can be home with my son when I have somewhere else to be. I don’t need to have that worry that comes with having a babysitter or having someone else be responsible for my son; he’s with his dad, so I know everything is okay. Also, as the wife of a dad who is gone frequently for work, it thrills me to no end that not only is he home, but he’s spending one-on-one time with his son. So grateful, thankful, appreciative — yes, I am all of those things when my son is home with his dad.

But the more I say thank you, the more I wonder whether it’s the right thing to say. The words thank you seem to imply he’s doing me a favor. While in a way he is, that’s not really what’s happening at all. I’m a firm believer in the camp that dads don’t babysit; they parent. But it’s more than that. The more I say thank you, the more I feel like I’m encouraging the thought that he is doing me a favor and not just fulfilling his natural role as half of a parenting team.

When the tables are turned, which is often the normal scenario, he doesn’t walk in the door and say thanks. I don’t expect him to, and I would be caught off guard if he did. I feel like thanks is a nice sentiment for a lot of things, like doing laundry and cooking dinner, but not for parenting. It makes me wonder if my saying thanks is belittling his role and perhaps someone how sending him the message that he doesn’t need to be doing it and is going out of his way to do so. Maybe by saying thanks, I’m reinforcing a message I don’t believe in at all.

But not saying anything doesn’t feel right either. It’s gratitude for being there and keeping our son safe and happy that I’m trying to express, not appreciation for doing me a favor. So perhaps a better way of saying thanks is saying what I’m really thinking:

I’m glad you can be there for our son.

I’m grateful that I’m able to do the other things that don’t necessarily have to do with being “mom” without letting my son down.

I treasure the laughs and squeals and giggles I hear as I walk out the door, the ones that are reserved just for Dad.

Or maybe he just knows that if I say thanks, what I really mean is all of those things put together. —Heather Neal

(Photo: Getty Images)

MORE ON BABBLE:

I’m the only dad who volunteers in my daughter’s classroom

Excuse me while I don’t celebrate “National Men Make Dinner Day”

Stop telling me I’m “lucky” to have a husband who helps with the kids

Want a big family? Marry a feminist (or just a man with common sense)

Please don’t say I’m an amazing dad

“Why Do I Thank My Husband for Doing His Part?” originally appeared on Babble.com.

[disney-babble]

8 Reasons Parents Should Demand Better Sex-Ed in Schools

A battle is being fought by politicians over our kids’ health, and most of us have no idea it’s even happening. Since the 1980s, our government has been pouring hundreds of millions of dollars into abstinence-only sex-ed programs, which have come at a cost to our children.

So I’ve got a message for our next President:

It’s time we offered every child in the U.S. comprehensive sex-education, including factual information on anatomy, sexually-transmitted infections (STIs), pregnancy prevention, and the use of contraception and condoms, before they become sexually active. Ideally, we’d teach them about consent and bodily autonomy from an early age, too. But only 22 states and the District of Columbia currently require students to have sex-ed. That’s less than half of our nation’s students receiving necessary information to keep themselves and others safe.

Despite teen pregnancy rates falling, teens in America are more than twice as likely to give birth than those in Canada, and almost four times more likely than teens in Germany or Norway. Even teens in Russia are less likely to give birth than American teens! While poverty and other social issues are the primary causes, federally-subsidized comprehensive sex-ed in every school can help solve the problem, as well as our issues with teens and STIs.

Here are eight reasons parents should demand better sex-ed in schools:

1. Comprehensive sex education reduces the rates of teen pregnancy.

In a study

looking into the sexual risk-taking of teens ages 15 to 19, students who were were given comprehensive sex-ed are 50 percent

less likely

to experience an unintended pregnancy than those who are given abstinence-only sex-ed. States where abstinence-only programs are taught have the highest rates of teen pregnancy.

Why is the government funding a failing program?

2. Abstinence-only programs may be putting our kids in danger.

Not only do abstinence-only programs fail to reduce the number of teens having sex, they’ve also even been proven to

deter kids who are sexually active

from using protection, like condoms.

Now take into consideration that in any given year, one in four young people will contract an STI and one in four new HIV infections happens among people ages 13 to 24.

Even more shocking, 50 percent of people will have contracted an STI before the age of 24. Do we really think it’s a good idea to continue programs that deter teens from using protection?

3. Comprehensive sex-ed helps delay the age of first sex.

Some people say that teaching kids about contraception encourages them to have sex, but that’s patently false.

The Guttmacher Institute explains

, “Respondents who had received instruction on both abstinence and birth control were older at first sex than their peers who had received no formal instruction and were more likely to have used condoms or other contraceptives at first sex; they also had healthier partnerships.”

Pushing back the age at which people first have sex means less teens having sex, and less negative health outcomes like pregnancy and STIs.

4. Parents tend to be terrible at teaching kids how to use contraception and need help from trained professionals.

It’s super important for parents to talk to their kids about how to use condoms and other forms of contraception. But

parents often don’t have all the correct information and instructions

, and therefore aren’t able to give their kids the skills they need in order to stay healthy.

That shouldn’t stop parents from talking about healthy sexuality and contraception, but it’s a reminder that kids should have trained professionals giving them the most up-to-date and effective information on how to prevent pregnancy and STIs.

5. Values about sex can be taught at home, but facts should be taught at school.

As parents, we have the duty and right to pass our values about sex onto our kids. If part of your family’s values system is waiting until marriage for sex, that’s fine. But schools should be teaching programs that prepare all kids to have healthy and happy lives, and give them facts that will help keep them safe.

Your kids can learn about safer sex and contraception and still choose to practice abstinence with your guidance from home.

6. There are great programs that emphasize abstinence and prepare students with information about contraception and preventing STIs.

Programs that combine abstinence-until-marriage information with recommendations for condom and contraceptive use are shown to positively impact teens’ sexual health and behavior by pushing back the age at which they first have sex,

as well as reducing pregnancy and STI rates

.

It’s really the best of both worlds.

7. Very few people will actually wait until they’re married to have sex … even conservative Christians.

As much as we want to believe that the traditional value of reserving sex for marriage can be effectively passed on to future generations, studies show that

95 percent of people do not wait

until they’re married to have sex. Even among Evangelical Christians, one of the most conservative groups in the United States, more people are having sex outside of marriage than not. A full

80 percent of Evangelicals report having non-married sex

and churches are starting to catch on by encouraging safer sex.

I know we want to believe that our kids are special, but are you really willing to risk the health of 95 percent of our nation’s young people in order to try to hang on to a personal value that only applies to the very, very few?

8. Even kids who wait to have sex can benefit from comprehensive sex-ed programs.

Most kids will have sex eventually and will use some form of birth control even in marriage. A comprehensive sex-ed curricula can help them when the time is right, too!

If consent education is included, all kids can benefit from the empowering message of bodily autonomy and respect for others.

What’s more, teens tend to rely upon one another as sources of information about sex and contraception. While this is not an ideal way for kids to get their facts, the more correct information circulating among teens about contraception and safer sex, the healthier a community can become.

Most of us hope our kids will wait until they’re older to have sex, but it’s time we faced reality and offered our kids a healthier sexual education. —Joanna Schroeder

(Photo: Thinkstock)

Babble is participating in Fusion’s #DearNextPresident campaign to tell the world what we care about most this election season. Join the conversation and tell us what you want to see from our next President with #DearNextPresident on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

MORE ON BABBLE:

Why you should talk about sex with your kids every. Single. Day.

How to talk to your kids about porn (because yes, you have to)

What your kids need to know about sexting

The world has changed, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still raise good kids

We should never tell our daughters: “he’s only mean because he likes you”

“8 Reasons Parents Should Demand Better Sex-Ed in Schools” originally appeared on Babble.com.

[disney-babble]

I'm That Mom Who Does Her Kids' School Projects for Them

Embarrassingly, I admit that when I see my children work on a school project and it starts looking less than the standards of my “vision,” I just end up doing it for them. I think this is a disorder of mine and I might have to go to some kind of parent support group for it. When I see my kids cutting, coloring, and glueing something together, something snaps inside of me and I automatically take it away from them so I can do it myself.

I know … it makes me sound freakishly controlling, doesn’t it?

Now, my kids are only 5 and 7 and the projects we’ve done so far only include a photo journal of our trip to Washington, D.C. and “Pirates vs. Ninjas – Who Wins?” but let me tell you I was overly-enthusiastic-Timothy-Q.-Mouse happy to do them. My kids, however, seemed to only be interested in the glueing and the cutting, and about 10 minutes in, they left me to do most of the legwork.

For some, you might say that take-home projects and assignments are a huge waste of time (which could be true), but for borderline-neurotic characters like myself, I see them as a blessing.

If you’re just like me, go ahead and raise your hand (don’t be shy!) Apparently we’re not alone. Jessica Lahey of the New York Times writes:

“It’s time to stop the madness, and I’m not just talking to parents, here. Yes, parents have to keep their itchy trigger fingers off the hot glue gun, but teachers also need to recognize their part in perpetuating this farce and hold parents accountable for their egregious acts of educational interference. So here is what I propose: How about we both commit to a cease-fire?”

Easier said than done, lady.

Seriously, someone should handcuff me from behind whenever my children are doing their school projects at home. I know it sounds neurotic, but I am that batshit crazy parent who will blow $200 or more at Michaels just to make my kids’ poster boards look perfect. I am addicted to curating the perfect school project with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns, people.

I know this is wrong and that I’m guilty of parental intervention at every level, but it can feel awfully satisfying to really blow a second grade project out of the water. Give me the Alamo and I will give you a precisely scaled-down replica of the most important shrine of Texas liberty. (Uh, with my children’s help, of course.)

You can classify it as cheating, but let’s be real here. It’s like telling an eighth-grader to do a take-home test without using the Internet. I mean, what are the chances? And what about all those toddler finger-painting classes we used to take with our 3-year-olds at the rec center? There’s no denying that 80 percent of the projects were made by the parents …

I know this is a problem — in fact, I admit to being the problem — and as much as it’s going to pain me, I know I to have to start trying to step waaaaaay back to let my kids do the projects themselves. Being the home “Project Manager” surely isn’t going to be beneficial to my children’s future education. Mommy can’t do it all (and shouldn’t). Just like with the Trader Joe’s tub of peppermint bark ice cream that’s in my freezer, I’m going to have to leave it there and let my children have at it, no matter how much it pains me.

In the meantime, does anyone want to join my club? It’s called the PWDSPA (Parents Who Do School Projects Anonymous.) Just don’t tell a teacher.  —Joanna Mazewski

(Photo: Thinkstock)

MORE ON BABBLE:

5 things your kids learn by what you do, not what you say

Sometimes parenting is saying you’re sorry

The art of writing a thank you card isn’t dead yet

My 10-year-old was in charge of dinner for a week

A thank you to all those unappreciated moms out there

“I'm That Mom Who Does Her Kids' School Projects for Them” originally appeared on Babble.com.

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When Trauma Makes it Impossible to Be an Attachment Parent

There’s a lot of judgment in the world of parenting, especially now that we have social media and the web. Don’t get me wrong, the Internet is wonderful with all of the support and information you could ever want as a new parent. But sometimes all of that information fools us into thinking we’re experts, or that we know for sure what’s best for everyone else … and that can come at a cost to others.

Because of the emphasis that’s been put on some aspects of attachment parenting, moms who choose not to breastfeed, wear their babies, or co-sleep are sometimes criticized or openly challenged. For most parents these criticisms are little more than an irritant, but for survivors of abuse or sexual violence, the choices they make can be crucial to their well-being as parents and being called out by others can be very upsetting and even triggering to conditions like post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Elizabeth*, a 35-year-old mother of two encountered this sort of judgment when she told her mommy group that she would not be co-sleeping, not ever. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, Elizabeth could not fathom having her children in her bed. Even with her own partner, there are times when a touch she isn’t expecting while she’s asleep can send her into a panic.

It wasn’t until she was face-to-face with 20 moms who wanted to know exactly why she had her baby in a crib that she realized how politicized the conversation could be, especially when they started talking about SIDS and attachment disorders.

“I wondered,” she explained to me, “how all these moms who are supposed to be supportive and open-minded could feel so empowered to put me on the spot like that, and really invade my privacy. It was very upsetting. I left the room and honestly thought about just leaving [the group].”

Elizabeth didn’t feel comfortable sharing the fact that she’d been abused with the whole group, even though she assumed that if they knew, they would back off.

“I was just really resentful that they would put me in the position where I have to either be judged by them as a lazy mother or reveal something that only a few people in the entire world know.”

Elizabeth stopped going to the group after that, and understandably never told anybody why.

Advocates of attachment parenting are far from the only parents judging others unnecessarily, and not all parents who have survived abuse find themselves opting out of co-sleeping or breastfeeding. Some find that keeping their kids close is healthiest for them as a family and face criticism on that front.

Melanie*, a mom in her late 40s with a daughter in college and a son in grade school, dealt with abuse and severe neglect when she was a child.

“The people who were supposed to keep me safe and provide a safety net just didn’t or couldn’t. It was vitally important to me that my children would never question whether I would be there to guide, protect, listen, and love them unconditionally.”

For Melanie, that meant sharing a family bed and very rarely leaving her kids with babysitters.

“I’ve received some criticism from really close friends with whom we travel about the sleeping arrangements, as well as my inability to leave my son with sitters that often,” she said. “It only makes me move away from those people.”

Melanie believes that the abuse she grew up with is nobody else’s business, and neither are her choices in how she parents her two very happy, well-adjusted children. She says that she just wishes people would stop asking, so she won’t be put in the position of having to explain her past or defend what works for her family.

Another mom, Betsy*, whose son is now in middle school, faced more than just judgment from other moms when she chose not to breastfeed. She was raped when she was 16 years old and conceived and delivered a child whom she offered for adoption. When she later became pregnant with her son, she expected to experience some triggers, but she didn’t expect to be treated with outright scorn and contempt when she said that she would not breastfeed.

“[A WIC representative] told me to quit making excuses because if I could have sex and get pregnant, I could breastfeed. They refused to provide me formula until my son’s doctor prescribed it. I was told to forgo my depression medication and breastfeed. I was told by WIC that I didn’t love my child if I didn’t want to breastfeed.”

While most of us are not in positions of power over others, like the representative Betsy dealt with at WIC, we may not realize the hurt we cause when we judge or criticize. Asking questions like “Why aren’t you breastfeeding?” or “Don’t you know how important it is to practice attachment parenting?” puts parents in a position where they have to defend a private choice that may have been made for reasons that are sensitive.

Dr. Lisa Kaplin, a psychologist and life coach who is also a mother of three says issues like this break her heart: “It is always most important for the parent to take care of themselves in the best way they can.”

She goes on to say that breastfeeding and attachment parenting can be healthy choices, but they can also be dangerous if the parent isn’t comfortable doing so.

“As long as you can meet your babies’ basic needs like feeding them and holding them to comfort them, they will be fine,” Dr. Kaplin explains. She also recommends that if parenting is highly triggering, seeking help from a mental health professional might be a good idea. Ultimately, she says, “Guilt will only make the situation worse for all involved.”

Tonia*, a mother of two small children, tried to breastfeed her first child but found it very uncomfortable. She was abused by an older relative as an adolescent and while that isn’t the only reason she didn’t enjoy breastfeeding, it played a big part.

“I breastfed my daughter, but the sensation of nursing and having to give my body over so completely and constantly was extremely unpleasant for me,” she said.

Tonia planned to breastfeed her second child as well, but right before he was born she had second thoughts.

“Just the thought of doing it all over again, and this time with a 19-month-old [to take care of as well], made me so anxious that I broke down crying one night and decided I would be going straight to formula.”

She’s happy she made that decision, and is now very passionate about parents being able to choose how to feed their babies without any judgment.

Attachment parenting isn’t for every parent, and that’s okay. Kids need lots of love and attention, but if constant physical contact is triggering, it’s okay to set boundaries. Asking for some personal space from older children can even be a lesson in consent.

Marnie Goldenberg, a health consultant and sexual health educator, explains that “offering a clear lesson to a toddler about choice and how sometimes moms or dads don’t want to hug or kiss even though they feel lots of love is a perfectly good message.”

Most of us don’t intend to hurt anybody when we question others’ choices, but it’s important to keep in mind that some parents are waging invisible battles every single day. Considering that more than 17 million women in the United States have been victims of rape or attempted rape, mothers who are survivors of abuse or sexual violence are far from rare. The choices they make in order to keep themselves and their families healthy and happy should be nobody else’s business. —Joanna Schroeder

*All names have been changed at the request of the mothers I interviewed.

(Photo: Thinkstock)

MORE ON BABBLE:

Ode to the mom without a sense of childlike wonder

The hug that ruined my son’s birthday party

When an attachment parent has to detach

I’m ready to “detach” from attachment parenting, but my kid isn’t

I’m terrified to raise my son in today’s world

“When Trauma Makes It Impossible to Be an Attachment Parent” originally appeared on Babble.com.

[disney-babble]

I Don't Want to Be That ‘Creepy’ Dad

There was a time in the, okay I’ll admit, pretty distant past when I could talk, converse, and, dare I say, flirt with a waitress. But like my insistence on wearing Obsession for Men cologne 24/7 all through my twenties, those days are far behind me.

As a parent now in his forties, I can no longer be friendly to waitresses; I cannot ask them any questions about anything … ever.

Any sort of conversation with a young waitress, no matter how banal, makes me out to be a “creepy, old dad.” And nobody likes creepy, old dads.

It’s not even a flirting thing these days, I just want to be friendly. At the very least, I want to have a conversation on what dishes are best, what she recommends, what’s the freshest. But every time I start engaging in a conversation with a young waitress there’s a voice in the back of my head saying, “Dude, she thinks you’re a lecherous old perv. Wrap it up.”

Now, I’m sure (at least I hope, Lord how hard I hope) that this is not the case. I don’t think I’m acting like a lech. I DON’T THINK. But the point is, I can’t be sure, and that lack of being sure is causing me an anxiety that is preventing me from enjoying my rare tuna sandwich on crusty ciabatta with a side of fennel salad.

It wasn’t always this way. I used to be able to talk to waitresses. I could converse, banter, and yes, sometimes even flirt. I could be socially engaging. I was good at it. I enjoyed it. Well, no more. That time has drifted away like the popularity of Al B. Sure! (Goddammit, it is a crime that that man didn’t have a bigger career).

I can’t even ask what the specials are now without getting nervous. And I friggin’ love ordering the specials. Well, that joy is gone. From now on, it’s me keeping my head buried in the menu, avoiding eye contact, and ordering in a completely emotionless, monotone voice whatever is the first menu item I see. If I enjoy my selection, then that’s just a bonus to the fact that I didn’t offend the young lady waiting on me.

I have become so self-aware of this it’s insane. It’s like any question I may have is tinged with old man creepiness. Asking for another napkin feels like I’m trying to get her digits. A simple request of hot sauce, in my mind, comes across like I’m trying to get into her pants. And when a young waitress comes by and says, “Can I get you anything else?” all I can do is look away and shake my head no.

Even when I’m out to dinner with my family, I still feel this way. The buffer of two kids and a wife does nothing to lessen my fear of being perceived as “that old guy who thinks he has game.” In fact, it makes it worse. Talking to a young waitress in front of my family feels like a public expression of an early mid-life crisis, only lamer because I can’t afford a sports car. I’m actually considering having my wife order for me. Better to be perceived as helpless than lecherous.

It’s really a lose-lose situation. Be friendly and come across as depraved or be silent and come across as an anti-social kook. Either way, I’m screwed. At this point I have only one course of action to avoid dealing with young waitresses …

Go and eat at IHOP. —Kirk Pynchon

MORE ON BABBLE:

Dad confession: I secretly want kids to call me “sir”

8 reasons parents should demand better sex-ed in schools

Why you should talk about sex with your kids every. Single. Day.

What your kids need to know about sexting

We should never tell our daughters: “he’s only mean because he likes you”

“I Don't Want to Be That ‘Creepy’ Dad” originally appeared on Babble and was reprinted with permission.

[disney-babble]

How One Mom Is Trying to Revolutionize Maternity Leave in the United States

She had one baby in Europe and one baby in the U.S., and now she’s on a mission to improve maternity leave for all moms.

When Anna Steffeny, a CEO and entrepreneur, had her first baby in Germany, she was first congratulated by her boss. She received a one-year financial stipend from the government to stay home in addition to her paid maternity leave and was given a three-year job protection guarantee. She was able to take time off before her delivery without it impacting her maternity leave. She had two weeks of (insurance covered) daily visits from a midwife who helped with her breastfeeding and showed her how to give her son a bath. She had six weeks of pelvic exercise classes, where she gained valuable emotional support and interaction with other new moms.

And then she had her second baby in the U.S. and realized that having a baby in the States wasn’t quite the same experience.

Cough, cough.

“I felt like the U.S. workplace was only offering me a binary choice,” Steffeny told me. “Work or family, ultimately not really helping me find [that] work-life fit. Simply put, I didn’t feel supported.”

Seeing the disparity between two mindsets that impacted the logistics of how parental leave plays out, Steffeny decided to do something here in the U.S. to help “normalize” the process of parental leave for parents and businesses. She created LeaveLogic, a platform designed to save employers money and employees the headache of trying to figure out the logistics of taking time off to have a baby.

“We estimate that by using LeaveLogic, we can save companies 63 percent per leave by allowing employees to self-serve their leave plan information,” Steffeny says.

She explains that LeaveLogic utilizes a company’s pre-existing policies, country federal (“Yes, we can go internationally!” she notes), state local laws, and even a partner’s parental leave benefits to create a personalized plan. Employees are then notified when they need to complete paperwork or take a next step. The dashboard provides financial and benefit information, leave milestones, and a full timeline of events. “But best of all, the platform allows expectant mothers and fathers access to their full benefits so they can plan a successful leave even before notifying HR,” Steffeny says.

A tool like LeaveLogic can be so valuable to parents who often feel like they are left to their own devices when it comes to navigating leave. But the idea behind that platform, to give parents more support in making a choice that works best for them, is what is really key.

Take Anna Scorah for instance. She felt forced to go back to work after having her baby and (unsuccessfully) asking her employer for additional unpaid leave to stay home with him. Just hours into her baby’s first day at daycare, he died. What her story so tragically illustrates is that the issue of parental leave in the United States isn’t just about numbers or a magical six or 12-week mark when caregivers and babies will be comfortably separated. It’s about giving parents more of a choice, about valuing caring for the littlest members of our nation, in raising the next generation.

“In comparison with the other new mothers I knew, I felt lucky to have three months’ paid maternity leave after Karl was born,” Scorah wrote for The New York Times. “Most of the parents in my community had only weeks before they had to leave their babies to go back to work. But nonetheless, even with three months under our belts and Karl’s neck strong enough to hold himself up, I was uncomfortable with the idea of leaving him. I wanted to be his caregiver longer, until he was a bit bigger. I could see how our time together in this early infancy was of so much value, how being with me every day made him more and more comfortable navigating his new environment.”

Not everyone agrees that employers or employees should pay into a system that allows for parental leave. Forbes writer Abigail Hall made her opinion very clear when she commented that a system that guarantees paid leave places an unfair “burden” on those who feel “entitled” to caring for their own offspring. “Such laws send the message that other people are responsible for your choices,” she wrote.

Steffeny points out the flawed logic in that kind of thinking, especially in relation to how our economy works.

“In this country we see having children as personal choice, almost borderline selfish,” she explained to me. “Something that should solely be the burden of the parents and not society as a whole. Yet, at the same time we have built an economic system that requires the population to maintain or grow as one of the basic tenants of capitalism. This means as a country we will struggle to grow our economy, maintain our real-estate prices, and compete globally if we have a negative fertility rate. In fact, we have experienced a negative fertility rate in the US since 2007. This is the same reason China has recently lifted is one child ban, it is a matter of national security and interest.”

As someone who has never actually had a paid maternity leave (ahhh, the life of a part-time and freelance employee), I have to admit that I honestly have a hard time thinking that I “deserve” any sort of financial help while home with my baby, but as CNN recently noted, guaranteed paid leave actually results in healthier babies, healthier mothers, higher breastfeeding rates, lower rates of postpartum depression, more paternal involvement, and even better financial stability and security for working mothers over the course of a lifetime.

In layman’s terms, if you’re one of the few who believe that paid parental leave costs too much, you’re completely wrong.

Helping parents to be able to afford to stay home in some capacity to care for very young babies actually costs less in the long run. It’s shocking, I know, but Steffeny notes that it’s an economic idea that many other countries have recognized for a while. When she questioned why Germany was so willing to pay for postpartum pelvic floor therapy and mother-baby support groups, she was surprised when the insurance worker replied, “Because it prevents so many complications post baby.”

Steffeny wants to encourage other mothers and parents to think beyond the confines of their company’s current leave policies and push for better choices. “There are so many options beyond your company policy,” she says. “I really want to encourage choice for other mothers and families. We should not judge the choices of others, but understand there is a spectrum of choices.” —Chaunie Brusie

MORE ON BABBLE:

I’m sick of being told what I “should” be doing as a mom

13 ridiculous things people say to pregnant women

9 things that need to change for women giving birth in the U.S.

Is running out of time any reason to have a baby?

5 weird responses I got when I announced my pregnancy

“How One Mom Is Trying to Revolutionize Maternity Leave in the United States” originally appeared on Babble.com. 

(Photo: Anna Steffeny)

[disney-babble]

What They Don't Tell You About Rainbow Babies

By Bailey Gaddis

She walked into my office and started crying. We had never met or spoken in person, but my first act was to grab a tissue and give her a hug. I didn’t know why she was crying — she was 25 weeks pregnant so I thought, “Pregnancy hormones?”

As I backed out of the hug, I saw her gaze fixed on something behind me: a rainbow scarf I had draped on the couch in my office.

“I’m pregnant with my rainbow baby,” she whispered. “And I feel so guilty.”

I’ll call her Allison; she was my new HypnoBirthing client.

She had lost her last baby at 39 weeks gestation. The heartbeat had just stopped, and she wasn’t given a concrete reason as for why.

“It broke me,” she cried. I gave her another long hug, and we talked for two hours, skipping what I had previously had planned for our first meeting.

Over the next three months I worked with Allison as a HypnoBirthing Practitioner (childbirth preparation method), Hypnotherapist, and friend. I traveled with her back to the moment of pure terror and devastation she experienced when she was told her baby’s heartbeat was gone. She slowly breathed out the retelling of the six months she spent in bed, wishing her own heartbeat would stop … she spoke so softly, as if to avoid reawakening the debilitating grief.

She let me peer into her heart as she shared her journey of trying to get pregnant again, certain it was the only way she would survive living with a shattered heart. She went to her doctor weekly, bought a surplus of ovulation tests, took her temperature every morning, delayed her family’s Thanksgiving dinner because of an “appointment” with her husband to have sex at an exact time, and, of course, filled a whole drawer in her bathroom with pregnancy tests.

Allison said the word “desperate” didn’t do justice to her state of being during this time — she described her desire for a new pregnancy as “a need so primal and all-consuming [that she] had difficulty forming sentences when talking with others, because [her] mind was soaked with pregnancy.”

Thirteen months after she lost her daughter, eight at-home pregnancy tests showed double lines: she was finally pregnant … and then she was terrified.

Her journey to a new pregnancy slammed her into a wall of fear and guilt. She felt that she had betrayed her daughter by so adamantly seeking a new life, by taking energy away from grieving to focus on creating another baby; and then she felt guilt towards her growing baby because she didn’t feel she was nurturing him in the way that he deserved. She was so afraid he would die. This is when I stepped into her journey, and I’ll never be the same for it.

It was as though her darkness was enclosed in a bubble only she could enter. I could see it, but it was blurry and impossible for me to truly understand. How could anyone understand the crippling sorrow of losing a child unless they’d been there themselves? And even then, we all travel different paths through darkness.

She described her rainbow baby (a child born after a stillbirth or miscarriage), as a perfect ray of beauty surviving in a torrential storm still raging. It was incomprehensible to her how so much joy could co-exist with so much dread.

Allison showed up to her seven months of intense healing, diving deep into her authentic emotions, messy fears, secret jealousies, and heart-stopping guilt. We utilized journaling, talking, dancing, hypnosis, crying, yelling, stomping, and laughing to free her to open her heart to new light — rainbow light.

A fully-mended heart is not what she found. She expressed that there will always be a hole inside of her aching for the life of her first child. But she found that the hole can work two ways: it can let out light, but it can also pull it in. The emptiness left by the departure of her daughter created space for her whole being to love her son with a sacred appreciation she didn’t think she would fully know if she had not experienced ultimate loss.

She delivered a healthy son 22 months after her daughter left this world. He is cherished by a family who loves him with open hearts and minds that are humming with the miracle of life.

Allison asked me to share her story. Her wish is that the pain, beauty, and love living in her journey connects with others, creating enough hope for the mothers and fathers of babies that have passed on to take a breath, and then another.

MORE ON BABBLE:

I’m finally pregnant again, so why am I not happy?

I was the doula to a 40-hour natural labor

To the baby that didn’t come this month

All I know of pregnancy is loss

Weeks turned into months and months into years, but finally our “wish” came true

“What They Don't Tell You About Rainbow Babies” originally appeared on Babble and was reprinted with permission.

(Photo: Corbis Images)