Dissertation Confessions

My place to talk about my work, my fuck-ups, and all my hopes and fears as I stumble the light fantastic toward my PhD

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Sending off that last fellowship application like

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Don’t talk about it, don’t ask about it

PhD student #1: “How are you? How are things going?”

PhD student #2: “Awesome! Things are great. I presented at this super prestigious conference last week. I’m also finishing up this very important article that will totally be accepted by a well-known journal. I have four grant applications on the go, writing them is so much fun, I am totally going to win at least half of them, because why wouldn’t I? I’m special. I met so and so at some swanky and totally exclusive event (you obviously weren’t there) and now I basically have a job lined up post-completion, never mind that like, no university is really hiring full-time tenured positions in abundance anymore. Teaching is going so well, my students love me and I definitely know each and every one of their names. Oh, and I definitely got hired on that fancy project everyone wants a piece of even though it pays practically nothing and it will totally delay my own research and my own completion. I’m super busy and important! Everything’s good!”

How come in academia how you are doing is measured by how much you have accomplished/how busy you are?

How come in academia talking about feelings, emotions, how you are actually doing (I’m scared. I’m afraid. This is really hard. I’m struggling. I feel depressed. I can’t do this. I feel so alone. I’m isolated. This isn’t fun.) is like some taboo subject no one wants to touch?

Not talking about real experiences and struggles creates a toxic culture of fear and shame in academic environments. 

Everyone walking around pretending everything is sunshine and rainbows, that no struggle exists, that things are not just easy, but AWESOME, creates an environment in which when you are actually really and truly struggling, you feel completely alone and isolated and like you are the only one who is feeling that way and therefore there is something wrong with you.

And it stigmatizes those who are brave enough to say “hey, this is hard and I need some help” as weak. 

There is nothing wrong with you. You are not weak. Grad school is no fucking picnic. Those who claim otherwise are simply lying to you and themselves. 

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Woof. This. So hard.

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Happy 35th birthday! What are you doing to celebrate?

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Hashtag editing.

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Finishing a draft and realizing it’s nothing but word salad

At first you’re more than a little annoyed.

And you consider starting editing.

But you realize your brain is complete mush and maybe if you weren’t a slacker academic you’d buckle down and keep working but it’s Friday evening so it’s time to gtfo.

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How to get over Impostor Syndrome

Some sources for those of you who tell yourselves, “Well yeah, Impostor Syndrome is a thing, but I don’t have it. My super talented colleagues do. I really am a fraud.” (see also: it me.)

Lifehacker

CNN

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Hey, procrastinators

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Fellowship applications

Writing a rationale for my dissertation has been eye-opening. And darkly existential.

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I try to let pretty much anything happen in a first draft. A careful first draft is a failed first draft.

Patricia Hampl, “Memory and Imagination”

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Writing sprints eleison. 🙏

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How I feel trying out a new productivity/internet canceling app

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You don’t have to do it well, but it’s best to do it schnell.

Richard Taruskin, conveying received dissertation wisdom from Claude Palisca(?)

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Taking the dissertation show on the road, with bonus t-shirt message.

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idk about you

But it is really hard to prioritize my dissertation when all I want to do is spend my day being an activist. I’m still struggling with finding that balance, and I’m really struggling to find the merit and worth in my work, which currently feels exceptionally frivolous.

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Because, in the absence of the actual apocalypse, this shit’s not going away.

I wasn’t functional for most of the week Wednesday onward. But it’s time to get to work--and not just when it comes to my dissertation. Hashtag perspective.

I hope you’re all okay, or as okay as you can be. Take care of yourselves and one another.